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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I've just had the worst day of my life

113 replies

Razorboy · 30/12/2017 01:36

I was on my way to work today. I had a phone call from my aunt. My dad has disappeared over Christmas. I have tried to contact daily. I knew in my heart something was wrong.

My family found him today. He is dead. The situation was fucking awful.

I have to put on my big girl pants and deal with the most awful thing ever. This was unexpected and horrific.
.
Can someone walk with me through this please?

OP posts:
Pearlsaringer · 30/12/2017 19:22

The gov.uk link provided by 50Shades upthread is excellent, I used this when dealing with my father’s death. You will find yourself just numbly following the process. Don’t try and do it all on your own. Is it possible to delegate the funeral arrangements to another family member? Or at least get them to do the leg work so you can agree arrangements together. You should have time off work to deal with this. See what your employer’s policy is on compassionate leave.

So so sorry for your loss Flowers

Octopus37 · 30/12/2017 19:29

I'm so sorry you are going through this, please draw on whatever support you have and can and take all the paperwork etc one day at a time. Again I cannot tell you how sorry I am Flowers: Flowers

Razorboy · 31/12/2017 00:35

Every time I think I can cope with this I go round in a circle and back to the beginning again.

I have other stuff going on too and other family issues. I have so many things to deal with and so many people to look after.

I really appreciate the hand hold guys

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 31/12/2017 00:39

So Sorry for your loss xx

Maybe keep a note book work you and keep writing everything you think of down so it doesn't keep going round your mind

LuluBellaBlue · 31/12/2017 00:39

*with

Ladybirdbookworm · 31/12/2017 00:48

I'm so sorry for you xxxx

Longtime · 31/12/2017 00:55

I lost my dad in January - my heart goes out to you. On a practical note (apologies of this has already been mentioned), this may come in helpful Tell Us Once

MamaTT · 31/12/2017 01:03

Oh gosh I'm so sorry. 2 years ago (literally to the day) my DH went missing and his body was found some time later.

Practicalities: at this stage I focussed on informing family and sorting funeral arrangements. Due to the nature of DHs death, the post Mortem took some time and it took a while for his body to be released which was very difficult. By the time he was released I was desperate to put him to rest.
DH died without a will so a fortnight after the funeral, I went to a solictor to apply to probate to deal with his financial affairs.
There is a government service called Tell Us Once which notifies all the official offices (HMRC, DWP etc) of the bereavement.

You've had a tremendous shock so please take care of yourself. I had a 4yo DS and 5yo DD to care for so I refused any medication to help with sleep for a while. When I finally gave in and had something prescribed, I felt so much more able to cope.

Please let me know if I can be of any help.

Thinking of you

AnnieAnoniMouse · 31/12/2017 01:30

I’m so very sorry 💐

My Dad died suddenly too, so I know how much of a shock it is x

Take care of yourself & of each other.

OhBeggerItsChristmas · 31/12/2017 01:38

Oh OP, I am so sorry.

My husband's mum (my MIL) died on Boxing Day. It wasn't in the same circumstances as your dad, she was ill, but it is still hard to deal with.

We have been going through our own grieving processes for a few days, and it is already feeling different compared with the first day or two, things will change over time. At the moment, what I can say is, the grieving process is different for everyone, so what you go through may be different to what siblings, aunts etc. go through.

Don't compare your thoughts and feelings with others and start thinking you are not 'doing it right' and feeling worse about it. There is no one way to grieve, with us, DH felt numb for a couple of days, I cried a lot.

Don't be ashamed to cry or get angry etc. they are often part of the process.

Don't be afraid to ask for help or ask people to help organise things e.g. parts of the funeral service when the time comes.

DH is organising the cremation, he was a minister for a few years recently, and his mum wanted him to do it. The funeral director is available to help and guide him, (not just organise the service etc.) they can't be there at the snap of our fingers, they have other people to help too, but will help asap. If you have no idea which funeral director to use it might be worth your while to ask a few people who have been through burying a loved one who they would recommend. In my experience established funeral directors are usually really good at their job, they tend to have a lot of experience, empathy and compassion etc. (It tends to be natural with them, it is hard to do a job like that without being naturally inclined towards dealing with the bereaved). A funeral director can help with guidance as to what will happen even before post mortems are done and bodies are released. They have a lot of knowledge with how things happen in a huge array of situations. If you choose a funeral director and they 'don't work' for you, you are allowed to use a different one.

You must also look after yourself. For the first day or two DH hardly ate anything so I had to make sure he was OK. It would be no good for him or us (4 DC) if he made himself ill. If things get 'too much' for you, you need help. If you need to talk, find someone to talk to, don't keep it all inside. If you need help from a gp, make sure you get help. Hopefully your family (and friends) will be there for you, not just you being there for them. There are plenty of us here on MN for you too. PM me if you feel like you want to or need to. I won't know all the answers, but will try to help. Even if we just have a cry or a rant together.

Sorry this is so long, there is so much to go through and sort out though. I hope you eventually got this far and hope you get everything sorted.

BathshebaAndGabriel · 31/12/2017 08:19

I'm so very sorry. It's very shocking.

I have some experience, my lovely father was found dead in his house after we couldn't get hold of him. Very unexpected.

What support do you have from family/fiends?

As people have said there will need to be a post-mortem.

It's so sad. Just take each day as it comes.

Razorboy · 02/01/2018 00:40

Dsis and I are a great team. We plan, make lists and act together. We have been back in the house and done jobs we needed to do and I was dreading it.

This has also given us information and an idea to what happened. It helps. It's still really sad and terrible in every way but we can move forward from it.

The DHs have been amazing and so supportive, I cannot thank them enough. DM has also been great and she is helping with DC.

We are still waiting for PM report etc and have a long, long road ahead.

Thank you for walking with me, I am being strong when I can and not when I can't but we will get through this hardest bit and deal with it and then get to the grieving because I know we're not there yet.

To the other posters who are also going through similar Flowers. The flowers we have had mean so much. I always thought when you lost someone the words you said were pointless and meaningless to the person bereaved but they really do mean something and they really do matter and they really do help.

Thank you all

OP posts:
beyondworriedmum · 03/01/2018 10:10

So very sorry for your loss razorboy i too lost my dad in tragic circumstances many years ago (he took his own life) my thoughts are with you and your family at this time 💐

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