Sick of my nightmare mother

[nightmareland]

About a year ago, I moved four hours away to live with my boyfriend and work. While this is considered normal in many family circles once a child reaches their 20s, you might as well have told my very much not-so DM that the world was ending.

Every day is a constant battle. We must be in contact all day, EVERY HOUR. Yes, I receive text messages from her every hour at work. Should I not reply, there's a massive fuss where she thinks I've been raped/murdered/kidnapped before she sulks when I tell her I've been working. If I don't reply for a few hours, I get bombarded with 'Are you okay?!! Call me!!!1!' No I am not 12, I am 24 years old.

Then there's the endless comments about where I live. Living in a major UK city, she is constantly glued to the local newspaper and follows relevant location-specific social media accounts for the police, etc. I regularly get sent links to news articles on burglaries, sexual assaults, thefts, etc in the area. 'Don't walk to the train station alone!!!' she says... I live 5 minutes away from it on a constantly populated road. She went ballistic on me when she found out I walk there at least twice a day to get to work and wouldn't speak to me for 3 days.

I also never visit home enough apparently, yet I am literally there every month at huge travel expense to myself. No other friends my age visit their parents half as much as I do. Everytime I leave I am met with bawling and a massive toddler-style tantrum as she cries dramatically through her slammed-shut bedroom door. I feel like I have done enough parenting to last me a life time and I have never given birth.

DM has no job, and god forbid she should find a hobby or actually spend time with my DF (who recognises she is insane, and, at this point, they kind of just ignore each other anyway). Yes, in case you hadn't guessed, I am indeed an only child. 'What am I meant to do all summer long' is her latest moaning refrain. Everything I suggest is met with sneers or criticism or a long drawn-out list of reasons as to why it's a terrible suggestion and I am WRONG. Because the moral of this sorry story is that I am always WRONG.

Sorry about the v long rant, I am just v tired and worn down and depressed about it all. Does anyone have any advice or has found themselves in a similar scenario? Can any mothers themselves possibly shed insight into this insanity?

I've been trying to find therapists that deal specifically with narcissist parents but they're hard to come by and often booked up for months, however I might renew the search come new year... I can feel my mental health deteriorating.

Can you get counselling through work? Lots of top flight jobs have employee assistance programs - if not, try the NHS but it'll take ages unless you're in serious MH problems (and it's not quick then in most circumstances.) or pay for it yourself.

I'm suggesting it for you rather than her because a) you really need support to deal with this - the guilt and trauma she's inflicting on you are preventable but require effort and a kindly and helpful ear for you to work this out - it's incredibly difficult to manage on your own. And b) while she clearly needs help getting her to accept that is... Difficult.

She is utterly unreasonable. Completely. You already know that mothers putting their adult children first, mothers who respect their adult children, don't behave like this - what you need is help to sort through how you're going to deal with her lack of perspective.

I'm positive you'll get good advice on this thread too but good counselling is amazing and will really help you get to a better place with this even if your mum can't change herself.

By some miracle she produced a child who went off into the world and got a home and a job away from her! How the hell did that happen?

I have a DD who lives with her husband and her own DD and another on the way. We do talk daily, today four times, but each time, she initiated it and it was brief, apart from the first one of the day, when her face time call woke me! Her words were 'We should talk for a while to make us waking you worth it, unless you want to go back to sleep'. I am pleased DD has her own life and is doing pretty well at living it. I am also pleased when she chooses to allow me to join it.

You do need to be firm, I think, do not allow work phone calls or texts. Turn your phone off.

Leave the visits another week, then another two weeks.... stretching to maybe every two months. Be direct, tell her you cannot come as often as her reaction to you leaving is ridiculous!

as ButteredScone says.. you cannot control your Mums actions but you can control your reactions...

Turn your notifications for your Mothers messages OFF and MUTE them

out your Mums number on your Mobile onto Do Not Disturb ...

respond when you are good and ready.... and not before...

Cross posted again - if you can't find a specialist try a generalist just to get started, you can always swap later. Even a non narc specialist will probably have come up against similar before, sadly.

I bought my DCs a smart phone each, for only £15 each for Christmas, they required a £10 initial top up though, £5 after that a month. This one is not a smart phone, so even cheaper. Might be worth a thought to get one just for your DM to phone you on. Block her number on your 'real' one, tell her you have changed it and use this... [http://www.argos.co.uk/product/6316901]

Yes sounds like changing your number and leaving your current sim card in a cheap phone for once a week might be a good first step along with the other excellent advice here. I'm a mother and NO, this is definitely not OK and very much not normal - my DD1 is only 9 and I don't need hourly updates when she's at a friends, with my parents, with DH, at after school club, etc...

She sounds unwell.

Is anyone else aware of her behaviour? (Apart from your dad.)

Could someone intervene/talk to her?

I think that you should probably tell her that she is being a burden and emotionally blackmailing you. Warn her that if she continues to behave abusively you will see her less because why should you when this is how you are rewarded for it? And then follow through. She will either improve or you will not have to put up with her as much. Either way it's a win for you.

Tippz

She is like an angel with everyone else. All of her colleagues and friends love her and she's brainwashed them into believing I am difficult and challenging.

My dad rarely intervenes, although he did once when she wished me dead.

She might not be narcisstic, she might just be massively lacking in self esteem and an understanding of your adult life. She's very invested in you and scared to develop herself.

Can you speak to your father? Explain he will see less of you if your mother doesn't take steps to control herself.

I agree you should find a professional to help you deal with this in the mean time I would suggest blocking her number/email ect you shouldn't have to deal with this and it shouldn't impact your life as much as it is! If you can't block then yes get a new everyday number and use the old one for contact when you want it! Tell her clearly in an email what you will be doing I would say you will text your df each day (or whatever you think is reasonable) so they know you are safe. I would stop all visits till you have had a chance to sit down and talk through your options with a therapist!

Your mother isn't adding anything positive to your life while she's doing this and it's having a negative impact on your mum too! It needs to stop! Remember that and take back the control! As pp have said you can't control what your mother dose but you can control the impact on you and you are absolutely right to do so! I hope seeing people agree with you will give the strength you need to get started! Good luck op!!

I feel your pain, OP.

My DM is similar to that, though she's far too busy to be as obsessive as your mum. My MIL sounds very similar too. It's exhausting. But I have found with my DM that changing the amount I tell her has made a big difference in how we relate to each other. She has less opportunity to come up with her 'suggestions', which I apparently done have to do, hmmm.

I recommend the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board, where there is non-judgmental support for people coping with toxic parents. I've found it really helpful.

Wished you dead?!

Ok, that puts a different spin on things. Tell her to seek the help she badly needs or you will cut her off until she does.

I would also suggest this sounds like she is very unwell.

I doubt you can get her to see that though.

Where is your Dad in all this - can you talk to him about It?

I would also suggest you seeing any therapist just to get a handle on how best to deal with her.

If it really is at the level you describe - and you admit to ranting so you need to be honest with yourself - but if it is then this is not a controlling parent - she ie probably not in control of what she is doing.

Just feeling like you are doing something to ultimately deal with this will make you feel better.

Look up enmeshment.

Your situation sounds similar to mine at your age. Things aren't 100% now, 12 years on, but many years of therapy have improved matters.

Can't Dad step up to the plate a bit if you really tell him how this is making you feel?

She isn't a lonely person all on her own, she has a partner and she can't put everything on you. Good luck

Regarding counselling, someone on the Stately Homes thread recently mentioned The Echo Society who apparently specialise in support for victims of narcissistic abuse. They have links to therapists, you might find someone there? You're also very welcome on Stately Homes itself.

I have a friend who behaves like this. When I was staying with her once, she texted her daughter who lived in another country at the time, to ask her how her date - a first date - was going. From the outside, it seemed the daughter gave her far too much input into her life, and the mother had a genuine difficulty giving her adult child the space in which to live her own life.

You have nothing to feel guilty about - your mum has some problems that she's trying to solve by being over-possessive and trying to participate in your life as if you were still a dependent child.

The poster who said that you hold all the power by virtue of being the only child is right. As is the poster who said that you have to train her to be reasonable and nice or she doesn’t get to see you.

My mother still remembers the day, almost exactly fourteen years ago, when I said, “If you don’t stop sulking, I’m getting in my car and going home now” (before I was married, staying with them for Christmas, and she was behaving nightmarishly, including telling me that because I wasn’t smiling enough, like a performing seal, I would cause her to have a stroke).

She remembers it with resentment, because that was the day she lost control. I remember it with fondness, because that was the day I took control back!

Some good, practical advice on this thread about limiting contact.

Let me guess: your dad is a lovely man but has never stopped your mother from behaving as she does and consequently could have done more to help you? I believe that therapists would call him a ‘bystander’, although others on this thread will know better.

My parents don't really like each other. DM is very critical and demeaning of DF but he's just good at ignoring her. It's sad all round really, but they've been married so long that I guess they can't be bothered to separate now.

Her colleagues? She does work then?

Tell her you’re not responsible for her happiness and to get in touch when she’s going to behave. Rinse and repeat. Train her type of thing.

I agree though, you need a therapist so you can break free completely.

Yes my dad is lovely and has not once raised his voice to me in 24 years... he prefers rational conversation.

Christ! Just saw the bit about her wishing you dead. That spurred your dad into finally saying something, eh?

gamerchick

Sorry - she doesn't work now, I say colleagues because she still goes on their work socials.