Sick of my nightmare mother

[nightmareland]

About a year ago, I moved four hours away to live with my boyfriend and work. While this is considered normal in many family circles once a child reaches their 20s, you might as well have told my very much not-so DM that the world was ending.

Every day is a constant battle. We must be in contact all day, EVERY HOUR. Yes, I receive text messages from her every hour at work. Should I not reply, there's a massive fuss where she thinks I've been raped/murdered/kidnapped before she sulks when I tell her I've been working. If I don't reply for a few hours, I get bombarded with 'Are you okay?!! Call me!!!1!' No I am not 12, I am 24 years old.

Then there's the endless comments about where I live. Living in a major UK city, she is constantly glued to the local newspaper and follows relevant location-specific social media accounts for the police, etc. I regularly get sent links to news articles on burglaries, sexual assaults, thefts, etc in the area. 'Don't walk to the train station alone!!!' she says... I live 5 minutes away from it on a constantly populated road. She went ballistic on me when she found out I walk there at least twice a day to get to work and wouldn't speak to me for 3 days.

I also never visit home enough apparently, yet I am literally there every month at huge travel expense to myself. No other friends my age visit their parents half as much as I do. Everytime I leave I am met with bawling and a massive toddler-style tantrum as she cries dramatically through her slammed-shut bedroom door. I feel like I have done enough parenting to last me a life time and I have never given birth.

DM has no job, and god forbid she should find a hobby or actually spend time with my DF (who recognises she is insane, and, at this point, they kind of just ignore each other anyway). Yes, in case you hadn't guessed, I am indeed an only child. 'What am I meant to do all summer long' is her latest moaning refrain. Everything I suggest is met with sneers or criticism or a long drawn-out list of reasons as to why it's a terrible suggestion and I am WRONG. Because the moral of this sorry story is that I am always WRONG.

Sorry about the v long rant, I am just v tired and worn down and depressed about it all. Does anyone have any advice or has found themselves in a similar scenario? Can any mothers themselves possibly shed insight into this insanity?

In your first post you say dm has no job. Then in your 23.29 post you say all her colleagues?

My disappointing realisation about my lovely dad was that he’s a wimp. A lovely wimp, but still. He could have protected me more and he should have challenged my mother, but didn’t because he hates confrontation. Is yours the same?

If so, you’ll have to do this on your own, but you can do it.

If you had a different mother you wouldn't be you :D I once had a huge fall out with my mother and refused to talk to her for about a year. She tried to call, she turned up on the doorstep and I just ignored her. You could try texting and telling her how you feel. Then turn off your phone for a while. Remember, you don't have to see her at all if you don't want to.

Fucksake

Just explained to gamerchicks, sorry for confusion!

Stop enabling her. You have your own life, live it. If you find that difficult, then please consider therapy. You need to limit her contacting you for a start.

As others have said, take control of the communication and set boundaries. Remind her of how easy it would be to go no contact with her, then give her a dose of it if she pushes back.

People can only abuse you if you let them. If you give a dog a treat when it barks, you get more barking, not less.

The fact that she is an angel with everyone else seems to suggest that she is a narcissist, or at least displaying narcisssistic behaviours. There's some good info on some of the psychology and therapy websites e.g here: thoughtcatalog.com/rebecca-coleman/2014/03/5-ways-to-deal-with-a-narcissistic-parent/, but I agree that getting therapy for yourself is important (she probably doesn't think she needs it) in order to help you to see how and why you can and should implement firm boundaries with her. Whereabouts are you? You are unlikely to find someone who specialises in this area, but any integrative therapist worth their salt should be able to help. A psychodynamic/psychoanalytical approach could help you to explore how her behaviour may have affected you growing up and some CBT might help with developing strategies to deal with her now. Good luck!

You have to realise that your mum would have problems with you whether you lived at home and was on the dole or living your current life now.
Nothing you do will make her happy so doing exactly what you want is the answer.

I have a narcisstic mum who I haven't spoken to in nearly 18 years. My siblings (37years old, 32 years old and 25 years old) have every single decision they've made criticised by her. She doesn't appeove of their career paths, partners... My 25 year old sibling is getting his ducks in a row to do what I did and go NC because she's abusive and draining the joy from his life.

You have to draw your line and detach from her reaction, no matter how extreme. She's a large toddler isn't she?

Why are you afraid of her though? That's an unusual choice of words.

You are no longer a child and you really don't have to put up with her bullshit.

Block her texts/calls. Don't visit or speak to her.

You should be very proud of yourself for what you have achieved, despite her as a mother, don't allow her to ruin your hard work.

I have a similar mother, a bystander stepdad and, like you, no siblings You sound like me twenty years ago. It got infinitely better for me when I began standing up to her and reducing contact, it really really did. She is still difficult, but fear of her just doesn’t rule me the way it once did.

I bought this book at some stage and although I’ve only dipped into it over the years (my appetite for self-help reading is really limited!) it’s been useful at times when some insidious remark of hers has gotten inside my head. slightly naff-looking self-help book

I get the fear. Still occasionally feel it myself despite being 43 now and fully therapised for over 10 years.

Read toxic parents by Susan forward. You will be amazed at how someone has such insight into your life.

It is possible to get out.

Take a deep breath. Annnnd release. OK first of all her behaviour is not normal. And it's not your fault.

THis isn't something you can fix. There is either a mood disorder or a personality disorder or she's just a nasty piece of work. What you can do is take steps to protect yourself. Second the advice of the people who suggest counselling, and look at what work has in the way of employee assistance etc

You've already put physical distance between you. You need to put some emotional distance as well. It's hard. But arguing, begging, appeasing - it's just feeding the beast. Set your rules, tell her what they are and when she breaks them "love you mum, but I'm not prepared to speak to you when you're being like this" and end the call.

You and your dad should also spend some time alone together and have a frank conversation. It sounds as if he's been ground down by her. If your father was behaving this way to your mother we'd be suggesting the women's aid and the freedom programme. To be honest in your place I'd probably devote my energy to my relationship with him - you might not have the mum you want (and btw you might be surprised at how many of your friends don't either) but your dad sounds like one in a million! You might find you can give each other the strength to break what sounds like a very toxic cycle.

The issue is 100% your mum. Being the only child doesn’t guarantee power or control over her. I’m an only child and have been no contact with my mother for 8 years, her choice and I refuse to apologise for not being the child she wanted. Everything was my fault, my dad sounds like yours, the older I get the angrier I get at him for not protecting me. Get some professional support and learn how to say no, she doesn’t own you, you owe her nothing.

My ‘D’M used to be just like this but also hugely critical and undermining.
I don’t respond to guilt trips/emotional blackmail or tantrums.
I have set parameters around her involvement in our lives.
The good news is that I’m not a puppet on a string anymore.
The bad news is that I still feel guilty sometimes and have to give myself a shake and that she doesn’t respect those parameters at all so I have to constantly police the boundary.
It all became easier when I had my own DC and saw her doing the same to them as she did to me.
She is completely batshit though and I do feel sorry for her. Just not sorry enough to let her fuck up my family.

Well done on your success so far in life.

1. Speak to dad and tell him he needs to help. Mum needs help- doctor?
2. Tell mum you need some space and will speak to her on Thursday at 6pm before yoga -10mins and Sunday at 10am before your run for example.
3. Go home for important dates only.

Just do it. Our parents will accept our boundaries, once they know them and once they know we mean them.
Best of luck!

It’s normal to be frightened of a narcissistic mother, even when you’re taking steps to detach. It’s fear of the terrible, spiteful things she says.

Op I'm sorry your having a hard time.
Have you tried the tread about stately homes?

I have a difficult relationship with my dm and the relief to find there's someone else who gets it is overwhelming.

Good luck

Can you block her number and only unblock it for an hour or so? However, if you feel like even a sporadic contact with her is poisoning your life, just go no contact.
I have a similar relationship (or a mockery of it) with my aunt. She was also someone who managed to persuade everybody around her that she was the best thing since sliced bread, what a wonderful and good person but in reality she's really poisonous and manipulative. I went through periods when I tried to maintain a normal contact with her but it never worked out. Right now all I have to see is her name on an email and I am getting anxiety attacks.
Block her and go no contact. Don't feel any remorse. You will find you feel much better afterwards.

Agree with PP who suggested psychodynamic therapy - this what I had.

I wouldn't rush to say your DM is a 'narc' and I would guess she does have some tricky relationships with friends and colleagues too - you only know about the relationships as she chooses to tell you about them. The colleagues who don't get on with her, or don't understand why she still goes to their get togethers obviously aren't going to tell you that and she isn't going to let on either.

I wouldn't let your Dad off the hook either. I loved my Dad very very much but he did let my DM do all her behaviours. It v much surprised me in therapy when I knew I was going to spend time talking about my mum that I actually spent the first 6 months talking about my Dad.

Try looking for an experienced, BACP registered, psychodynamic counsellor.

You are me 22 years ago, OP (I’m 46). I remember the fear and the guilt and not feeling good enough, and I also remember not being allowed by my family to be angry with my mother. I’m sending you a virtual hug. You can find a way through this.

Your mother is mentally ill and needs professional help. It sounds like she’s a narcissist and would be that way whether she had one or ten kids it’s just unfortunate for you that it’s all focused on you.

Tell her to seek help. If she doesn’t listen, buy a second phone. Give everyone else the new number. You can then have the original phone switched off during working hours or whenever you want some peace.

I have a friend who’s one of three and her mother is a narcissist and has a strange relationship with my friends younger sister who’s in her 30s and still lives at home. The sister doesn’t have a life or her own and neither she or the mum work. The mum’s manipulative and would literally have a breakdown if the sister wasn’t with her all the time. It such a shame to see a young woman who appears to be prevented from having her own life.

A good book by Susan Forward called Emotional Blackmail is worth reading.
Lay down firm rules: we will talk on Sundays. Then text her every night saying all fine here so she can sleep.
Worrying about attacks etc is not normal so she needs medication. Your dad needs to step up and see she is in need of medical help.
My dd is same age. She texts me an odd day and we chat once a week..if even that as sometimes l'm to busy to get back to her. My ds , while travelling in Asia sent me a text daily with a 2 word message eg " all fine" . Just so you can see you are not a bad dd. I get on brilliantly with my kids.
Remember years ago we had to write a letter which took days to arrive and then await a reply. Mothers survived. You are a good dd and have nothing to feel guilty about.

Could be describing my DM OP, you have my sympathies. Currently looking to move 30 min drive away, which would massively improve DD's life, but I'm loathe to tell DM as she'll have a huge reaction.

This sounds horrendous and is not normal. For your own mental health you need to act. Find a therapist, if you can't find a narc specialist just one you like will do! I would sit down and write all the unreasonable behaviours. Send an email citing all these and explaining that unless these stopyou will be cutting all contact. Then when she behaves poorly you can say this is one of the behaviours that is unacceptable I'm leaving/putting phone down.
Do not answer your phone to her. Delete and ignore anything that is unreasonable. If needs be block her number (you can text her back saying this contact is unreasonable, I am blocking your number for three days).
I am afraid you have to be tough and you also have to consider that going no contact with her is really an option.
Sorry