Sick of my nightmare mother

[nightmareland]

About a year ago, I moved four hours away to live with my boyfriend and work. While this is considered normal in many family circles once a child reaches their 20s, you might as well have told my very much not-so DM that the world was ending.

Every day is a constant battle. We must be in contact all day, EVERY HOUR. Yes, I receive text messages from her every hour at work. Should I not reply, there's a massive fuss where she thinks I've been raped/murdered/kidnapped before she sulks when I tell her I've been working. If I don't reply for a few hours, I get bombarded with 'Are you okay?!! Call me!!!1!' No I am not 12, I am 24 years old.

Then there's the endless comments about where I live. Living in a major UK city, she is constantly glued to the local newspaper and follows relevant location-specific social media accounts for the police, etc. I regularly get sent links to news articles on burglaries, sexual assaults, thefts, etc in the area. 'Don't walk to the train station alone!!!' she says... I live 5 minutes away from it on a constantly populated road. She went ballistic on me when she found out I walk there at least twice a day to get to work and wouldn't speak to me for 3 days.

I also never visit home enough apparently, yet I am literally there every month at huge travel expense to myself. No other friends my age visit their parents half as much as I do. Everytime I leave I am met with bawling and a massive toddler-style tantrum as she cries dramatically through her slammed-shut bedroom door. I feel like I have done enough parenting to last me a life time and I have never given birth.

DM has no job, and god forbid she should find a hobby or actually spend time with my DF (who recognises she is insane, and, at this point, they kind of just ignore each other anyway). Yes, in case you hadn't guessed, I am indeed an only child. 'What am I meant to do all summer long' is her latest moaning refrain. Everything I suggest is met with sneers or criticism or a long drawn-out list of reasons as to why it's a terrible suggestion and I am WRONG. Because the moral of this sorry story is that I am always WRONG.

Sorry about the v long rant, I am just v tired and worn down and depressed about it all. Does anyone have any advice or has found themselves in a similar scenario? Can any mothers themselves possibly shed insight into this insanity?

What does your boyfriend make of all this? I once had to end a relationship with a beloved partner because his DM simply would NOT leave him alone. He was made to feel guilty by her and I was made to very much feel secondary in his life. Everyone expects there to be times when parents have to come first, but not ALL the time, every day.

Hi OP. My mum is like this but divides some of the behaviours between me and my sister (there's a big age gap so we get different treatment).

Read this and see if you recognise it: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/eftforpeace.wordpress.com/2016/09/09/enmeshed-parenting-the-codependent-parent/amp/

For me, I immediately recognised both my mum, and myself. You have to realise that is not normal behaviour, but you've been conditioned to play along all your life, for fear of consequences. In my case, it was a fear that she'd take it out on my dad and stop me seeing him. But as your mum will never change, it's up to you to put firm boundaries in place. It's not easy but it can be done.

You live 4 hours away - excellent start

You now need to sort out the phone contact. Contacting someone every hour is untenable. UNTENABLE. Get a new SIM card or block her. Setting up a Sunday chat is a good idea.

You can do this. Be thankful you don’t live near enough that she can drop round.

Been there - slightly different in that my DM was lovely but ridiculously overprotective. I had to be very cagey about what information I told her, as I made the mistake of saying I was going on a date one night (with now DH). She rang me every hour whilst I was out to interrogate me about where I was and what time I'd be home - and insisting that I ring when I got in. It's exhausting and demoralising.

The only way that you can effectively manage this is to put very firm boundaries in place. It's hard because you have had years of being conditioned that something terrible will happen if you don't call/visit/appease her. But actually the 'terrible' thing is that she'll be upset - but she is already. You might get some nasty calls or texts - but you get these already. The catastrophe doesn't exist - and nothing horrendous is going to happen if you step back.

Give her one conversation, where you tell her that you won't be texting all day every day anymore. You won't be ringing her every night. You won't be visiting on a schedule anymore and that you are a grown woman with your own life. And that if she doesn't back off and stop smothering you, then you will cut contact with her altogether and it will be nobody's fault but her own because she will have driven you away.

Honestly - I know it sounds impossible, but it really isn't. You feel like you are in a prison, but it's one of your own making because you are being held hostage by fear and obligation and guilt. As soon as you stop allowing yourself to be controlled and manipulated you'll be free.

Lemond1fficult - that article is amazing.
It describes my mum perfectly.
She started with this type of behaviour when my dad left her and she expected me to fill the hole in her life.

Wow... and I thought my mum was bad! Please please please do take control of your life and limit her expectations now... my mum is getting worse as she is getting older and I wish I had managed her expectations better when I was in my twenties so things were easier now... she indulges more in vitriol and victim-playing nowadays which has really hardened my heart against her and as I said she was not nearly as bad as your mum OP, plus I have a sibling to help dilute things! Do not be guilt-tripped... live your life for you not for her!

You've moved 4 hours away which is half the battle.

Ignore all the news article emails and alarmist texts she sends (unless there has been a major incident). No need to reply.

I second the suggestions about getting a new phone and only calling at set times.

Can you take your parents out to a cafe or restaurant when you visit home? This might help to limit the tantrums.

Remember by that moving away you have asserted some control over the situation but now different boundaries are needed.

I get why you are fearful. The more boundaries you set, the more you will feel that you are your own person, not just a limb on a family tree. Good luck.

Lemond1fficult that article is great.

My DM was not a narc, although the Mumsnet default would have said so. She was someone from an abusive family who didn't really know how to parent, who ended up with an only child who is probably ASD when she had expected infertility and it all went horribly wrong.

After therapy I have huge compassion for her, and I'm glad we managed to change our relationship. She's still a bit nuts but then, so am I and we have rescued the love and got rid of the crap - multiple phone calls a day, guilt tripping, panic attacks etc.

My DM was like this with my DF and they lived in the same house, but when he was at work or out shopping, she would phone him constantly and he enabled her behaviour my answering the phone every time. Could be up to 40 times a day.

To encourage him to have a break, I got him to my house for a few hours and switched his mobile off. She phoned my house and I calmly told her that my DF was busy and when he had finished (2 hours) he would phone her. I also told her (very clearly) that I would not be answering my house phone again.

She phoned my house 15 times and then gave up. She was ok when he got home and he realised that he had to set some boundaries. Once he did and took control, things did improve.

I am NC with my Mum now (but for lots of other reasons).

Your mum sounds exactly like mine, LazyDailyMailJournos. She's definitely codependent and I can see that in me too, she's trained me too well. She's definitely overprotective in some ways, though she wasn't in the way that mattered; she didn't notice abuse that was going on in her own home.

I know @HopingForSomeSnow. Total game changer for me. Since I was a teen I knew our relationship wasn't quite normal, but couldn't quite describe why without it taking half an hour. They way all my other friends would enjoy talking to their mothers, and would rush home when they were ill to be looked after, when I couldn't think of anything I'd rather do less. Which then leads to feeling guilty because you don't have the 'right' feelings. Gahhh.

If you don't sort it out now it will never get better. I am twice your age and have ended all contact with my mother. The last two years have been lonely at times but the peace of mind is amazing. I needed the help of a therapist who specialises in narc mothers. The stress of trying to please someone whose demands only became more outrageous made me ill.

Your father has settled for a quiet life but you don't have to. Don't spend another 24 years trying to placate her.

Lizzie I put my foot down and as a result had to deal with about a year of stress and tears and emotional blackmail - and flying monkeys. That year was hard but I didn't back down and it worked and she gave up with the hysterical calls and texts because she learned that I wouldn't take any notice of them. Ditto leaving threats on my voicemail about calling the police. Moving far away helped as did having DH's backing. We ended up with a much better balance of me calling her twice a week and visiting every 8 weeks for a long weekend.