Sick of my nightmare mother

[nightmareland]

About a year ago, I moved four hours away to live with my boyfriend and work. While this is considered normal in many family circles once a child reaches their 20s, you might as well have told my very much not-so DM that the world was ending.

Every day is a constant battle. We must be in contact all day, EVERY HOUR. Yes, I receive text messages from her every hour at work. Should I not reply, there's a massive fuss where she thinks I've been raped/murdered/kidnapped before she sulks when I tell her I've been working. If I don't reply for a few hours, I get bombarded with 'Are you okay?!! Call me!!!1!' No I am not 12, I am 24 years old.

Then there's the endless comments about where I live. Living in a major UK city, she is constantly glued to the local newspaper and follows relevant location-specific social media accounts for the police, etc. I regularly get sent links to news articles on burglaries, sexual assaults, thefts, etc in the area. 'Don't walk to the train station alone!!!' she says... I live 5 minutes away from it on a constantly populated road. She went ballistic on me when she found out I walk there at least twice a day to get to work and wouldn't speak to me for 3 days.

I also never visit home enough apparently, yet I am literally there every month at huge travel expense to myself. No other friends my age visit their parents half as much as I do. Everytime I leave I am met with bawling and a massive toddler-style tantrum as she cries dramatically through her slammed-shut bedroom door. I feel like I have done enough parenting to last me a life time and I have never given birth.

DM has no job, and god forbid she should find a hobby or actually spend time with my DF (who recognises she is insane, and, at this point, they kind of just ignore each other anyway). Yes, in case you hadn't guessed, I am indeed an only child. 'What am I meant to do all summer long' is her latest moaning refrain. Everything I suggest is met with sneers or criticism or a long drawn-out list of reasons as to why it's a terrible suggestion and I am WRONG. Because the moral of this sorry story is that I am always WRONG.

Sorry about the v long rant, I am just v tired and worn down and depressed about it all. Does anyone have any advice or has found themselves in a similar scenario? Can any mothers themselves possibly shed insight into this insanity?

Straight talking is probably your only option, I'd think.

I have tried talking to her, she will usually be bearable for a few days and then it'll all start up again.

Our near non-existent relationship almost fell apart completely during one screaming match where she called me a cold-hearted bitch she wished she'd never had. :(

Stop visiting as often, stop replying to texts and calls whilst at work.

Her boredom is not your problem.

This is not normal behaviour.

Don't you get in trouble for personal texts at work? I'd start with putting your foot down and saying that you cannot reply to texts between 8am-6pm or whatever. It's a sackable offence in many places.

Don't allow her to make you feel guilty about moving away. Let her know you'll return every 8 weeks or whatever and stick to it. You're the child and not the mother.

It's all just wmotional blackmail

*emotional

Ok, you can't control her.

But you can control your interactions. Tell her that she is over-bearing and will lose you (which she will). Tell her that you cannot live your life under these conditions and that you are not prepared to fill the gap in her life.

Then don't respond. Call her when you want to chat, and warn her you will need to hang up if her behaviour strays into pressure. And then follow through if it does.

Hard to do, but necessary. She is not going to see the error of her ways through you reasoning with her - this will require action.

Wooooah, she's way over bearing isn't she. To the point of neurosis hmm. I actually think she needs counselling and you need to stop accomodating her so much, hard as it is she needs to back off.

The prob with emotional blackmail is that it's so effective... I feel like I've ruined her life!!

Wow you need to stand back. Turn your phone off and don't respond. I'm guessing she's got some major issues going on to behave like that but don't feed it.

Makes me feel sick too, as I was always so afraid of her that I was honestly a golden teenager - straight A*s, no drink, no drugs, no chatting back, top university, landed an incredible job on graduating... yet I still feel like a burden and lacking in her eyes.

You are not responsible for her happiness. Only your own. It's ok to want to be free of her as a burden. Take some time for yourself, miss a few months then re-evaluate.

I agree with switching your phone off while at work. It does sound like you're feeding her behaviour, tell her to get a hobby, She obviously has too much time on her hands

I am just so afraid of her, even though we are four hours apart. She has caused me many full-blown anxiety attacks.

Sounds like the classic narcissistic mother.

None of this is normal. And it's not OK. It's not even eccentric. Do you need permission to reduce contact with her? I'm giving it to you.

Break away now. Don’t waste any time. I don’t mean cutting contact, but start asserting yourself.

Tell your mother that you are a grown woman and that you can’t carry on like this.

I know it’s hard, but you must do it. My mother is similar, but not as bad. It took me until the age of 32 to get out from under her thumb. When I did, it was a massive relief.

You can’t be responsible for her choosing to worry over things like you walking to the station, etc. She’s a control freak and you must live your own life. Don’t allow your mother to live it for you.

Good luck, and I really mean that. Don’t be blown off course by your mother screaming or crying. Stick to your guns and it will stand you in good stead.

Oh Christ, I just caught up on your recent posts OP. You sound a lot like me, and your mother sounds like a narcissist, like mine. You must deal with it now. Be brave.

My dd just said 'her mother has severe anxiety and needs to see a doctor' and I agree. It isnot your problem. I worry about my children sometimes butvif it starts to agfect my ability to interact with them calmly i see a doctor. You have NO obligations towards her. None.

OP, you're having to bring out the big guns here, I'm afraid.

If you don't want to go full no contact with her, your best option is for you to completely control contact with her. That means you tell her, very clearly, "Mum, I will be calling you on Sundays at XX h (or whenever). Please don't get in touch with me meanwhile unless there's a real emergency".

Then ignore her phone calls and messages. If a real emergency happens, she can get in touch with you.

That said, she may try to pull the emergency card (i.e. fake an emergency). If she does so, you can respond once, and then tell her that she's crying wolf and you won't be answering her calls or messages or visiting her for XXX time.

The only way to deal with overbearing people like these is to train them - if she behaves well, she gets to talk to you; if she misbehaves, she's punished. And be consistent. It really is the only way.

Believe it or not, as her only child, you hold all the power. She can't afford to lose you.

You can rewrite the family rules if you try hard enough but the rest of the family will fight against that change if you are not 110% persistent.

I would seriously recommend counselling for you to support you with your guilt as it can be overwhelming.

I had a very similar experience with my DM and often feel, reading Mumsnet threads, that without the counselling I had we would be non-contact now. I was like you, only child, no trouble, straight As and but far too intertwined a relationship. Sort of golden child, best friend and occasional scapegoat all in on. We had a painful few years were I enforced my boundaries and she found it extremely hard but we are now very close with a much healthier relationship.

This would be exactly my mother right down to the only child bit if I allowed it.

You need to stop responding. Several months no contact. She is making her emotional wellbeing your responsibility and that is unfair and abusive.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Nothing.

But still we do

I harbour so much bitterness for the parent I could have had... I look at my friends' mums who are so supportive and kind and I could just lie down and weep. :(

Unfortunately you are enabling her obsession every time you reply. You need to email her on a Sunday night saying you will have a busy week so will give her a ring and catch up next weekend. Then block her number and email address and get on with your life.

Repeat as many times as needed, she will eventually adapt and learn to communicate normally.

Find a good therapist, OP. It will help you A LOT. You are doing nothing wrong, and you don't deserve this.

Change your mobile phone number. She can’t text you then, a five minute call in the evening if she wants to talk every day, or a decent one hour type long chat on Saturday if you don’t speak much in the week.

I hope you have a landline, if not just get a new phone and tell her you’re not giving her your number and you will phone her on a Saturday morning from your bf number or a call box