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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mother is being spiteful to my daughter

100 replies

MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 17:43

Here goes:

I have 2 DCs -DS (8) DD (5)
I have 2 nieces the eldest of whom is also 5 (DN)

My brother has had some issues -poor decisions, gambling problem, low level depression. DM looks after his 2 children a lot as they live nearby.

Since DD was born DM has treated her as competition for DN-every milestone she’s reached “oh yes DN does that”, any present I bought for DD she went out and bought DN.

This has escalated since they started school in September to the point where I say “DD has won a certificate for x” and she barely acknowledges it. It should be noted that for DS who was her first grandchild she is over the top enthusiastic about everything. At the end of term I showed her DD’s school reports -she said “ oh yes DN got an excellent one”. At my other brothers at Christmas he commented on how good DD’s writing is -she then spent five minutes explaining DNs school report in great detail in direct response. She also ridiculed DD for making a mistake in counting to 100-when in fact she did it perfectly.

On the way out DS gave my brother a hug. DM said “oh he’s so affectionate isn’t he lovely”, DD went to give him a hug (granted not quite as exuberantly but she’s naturally a bit shy) and she said “she’s not”.

To start with I told myself I was being silly but DH has noticed it, as had my other brother and his wife who think it is really bad.

AIBU to say something to her or do I just keep my kids away from her as DH thinks I should?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 29/12/2017 17:45

Keep your kids away.

RainbowWish · 29/12/2017 17:48

I would have to speak with her regardless of weither whether you chose to continue her seeing the children.
It may be unintentional but I would not let anyone favour one of my children over thw other.

RainbowWish · 29/12/2017 17:49

Also when she starts I would keep saying.
" mum it's not a competition" to highlight it to herself and others.

Original poster
MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 17:50

I think her response will be that I’m being petty and jealous.

OP posts:
CriticalMass · 29/12/2017 17:51

I'm going to go with keep your kids away. Your DD does not need such a fount of negativity in her life - she needs positive input from the people in authority around her and frankly, DM is being a snake.

Original poster
MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 17:51

Yes I do do that sometimes. I actually said re the school report “yes DD got a really good report too actually” but I don’t think she registers

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 29/12/2017 17:51

What's going on here is all about your mum's own insecurities and sense of guilt for your brother's failings. She feels responsible for his problems no worries if she has parented better he wouldn't have made these mistakes, and she worries about the same errors affecting her DN, so when you tell her about your DD's achievements she feels insecure that DN might Fail due to her son's poor parenting and so she reassures herself by expressing DN's achievements. She no doubt perceives DD not to need her help because she doesn't worry about you and your parenting.

Does that Kate more sense? Best thing to do is probably not to mention DD's achievements and she will not feel so anxious.

KimmySchmidt1 · 29/12/2017 17:52

Make not Kate!

Original poster
MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 17:53

I think in a warped way she thinks that DN is at a disadvantage in some way as her home life is less stable and she perhaps thinks she is compensating but it shouldn’t be at the expense of DD

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 29/12/2017 17:53

I’d stay away from her and if your paths cross and she’s mean to your child pull her up on it every single time.

She sounds nasty.

Original poster
MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 17:54

Yes kimmy I think that’s it but it seems desperately unfair

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 29/12/2017 17:55

This is just awful, your poor DD . I don't know what you can do about it tbh but you need to make sure your DD isn't made to feel inferior in any way, this is so bad for a child's self esteem .I think your DM is being very cruel to your DD and quite why I don't understand.It is just horrible .

Namechangetempissue · 29/12/2017 17:57

She sounds a piece of work. I would keep the kids away, stuff like that can linger for a long time and really have an effect on a child. Tell her though. I would.

RainbowWish · 29/12/2017 17:58

Wow Kimmy get perspective. I would have never wiped it like that but it makes sense (not that it is acceptable)
Distant probably is you best option sadly. You do not want you daughter growing up feeling like she is not good enough Sad

Original poster
MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 17:58

Fuzzy the problem is sometimes it’s not overt, it’s just a lack of enthusiasm or ignoring something -which she could explain away

OP posts:
RainbowWish · 29/12/2017 17:59

*great perspective not get sorry Confused

Original poster
MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 18:02

At the moment DD is too young to notice it and she loves playing with DN. but I imagine she will notice it as she gets older. From a material perspective she buys them the same things for Christmas etc but even then all the presents were geared around DNs likes and interests, not DDs. DM just doesn’t talk to DD enough to know what she likes or otherwise

OP posts:
Itsallfuckery · 29/12/2017 18:03

I would only see her when absolutely necessary firstly. I commend you for so far being dignified with your responses, I’d have gone batshit by now! But I think the time has come where she needs to be made aware of her hurtful words and comparisons. I’m afraid I would have to outright ask her what her problem is with your DD, and why she’s being so nasty. It will eat you up otherwise. If she cannot come up with a suitable response, eg an apology and change of ways, I’d be seriously cutting my ties with her. Your DD is young now, but she won’t always be, and will soon pick up on this revolting favouritism

KimmySchmidt1 · 29/12/2017 18:04

Does it really affect your daughter though? It's only you that hears it, and the important thing for you is your DD is doing well, not that your mum praises you/her and acknowledges it or doesn't mention DN.

You don't need your mum's approval. She is the needy one - you are in a good place. Just try and think of it all as something to pity. If it's irritating which I'm sure it is just avoid the topic - your DD will not stop doing well just because you don't tell your mum about her achievements.

Original poster
MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 18:06

Kimmy I think you are right. DD is blissfully ignorant. It is adults who see it. It’s just upsetting and unfair!

OP posts:
Original poster
MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 18:08

The sad thing is I used to be very close to DM-we’ve always had a good relationship. From my perspective this has really driven a wedge between us.

OP posts:
PippaSqueaks · 29/12/2017 18:10

Sooner or later your DD's going to notice and be hurt by it. There's no way I would allow a grown adult to intentionally hurt my child.

You need to protect her feelings.

I think what she said about her not 'being lovely' like your DS was downright intentionally nasty. What grown adult would say that about a child in front of the child's mother??

Sludgecolours · 29/12/2017 18:11

I think Kimmy's post is spot on and has given you a kind and considerate way of approaching this with your mother (even though you must be feeling very hurt inside on behalf of your dd); your mother may not realise she is "over-compensating" so much (and if she does, you will be able to tell by her reaction when you bring this up)

Original poster
MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 18:13

Pippa yes -she was actually saying she wasn’t affectionate but same point! I don’t think DM knew I could hear, but I grabbed DDs hand and said “you’re lovely DD” and made a swift exit.

OP posts:
Silverthorn · 29/12/2017 18:13

Re-read the op KimmySchmidt1. It's not just op expecting gushing from dgm over a school report but gm is spitefully putting dd down in favour of her brother and cousin. Even if she doesn't notice yet, she will do and it will make her feel suit.
I would limit contact with both children, but also tell your mother the reasons why privately. She can and will deny all she likes but hopefully it may make her rethink.
Dd can see dn without gm there.