To think my mother is being spiteful to my daughter

[MBDBBB]

Here goes:

I have 2 DCs -DS (8) DD (5)
I have 2 nieces the eldest of whom is also 5 (DN)

My brother has had some issues -poor decisions, gambling problem, low level depression. DM looks after his 2 children a lot as they live nearby.

Since DD was born DM has treated her as competition for DN-every milestone she’s reached “oh yes DN does that”, any present I bought for DD she went out and bought DN.

This has escalated since they started school in September to the point where I say “DD has won a certificate for x” and she barely acknowledges it. It should be noted that for DS who was her first grandchild she is over the top enthusiastic about everything. At the end of term I showed her DD’s school reports -she said “ oh yes DN got an excellent one”. At my other brothers at Christmas he commented on how good DD’s writing is -she then spent five minutes explaining DNs school report in great detail in direct response. She also ridiculed DD for making a mistake in counting to 100-when in fact she did it perfectly.

On the way out DS gave my brother a hug. DM said “oh he’s so affectionate isn’t he lovely”, DD went to give him a hug (granted not quite as exuberantly but she’s naturally a bit shy) and she said “she’s not”.

To start with I told myself I was being silly but DH has noticed it, as had my other brother and his wife who think it is really bad.

AIBU to say something to her or do I just keep my kids away from her as DH thinks I should?

The thing is lweji whenever she looks after my DCs she always without fail invites DN over too!

What's wrong with that?

Nothing at all lweji but what I mean is that there is rarely a time when she spends time with DD alone

I would give her very little information, and keep her at a distance, as it has the potential to be damaging to your poor dd.

I don't think there is a need to spend time alone. Just spending time should be fine.

I would limit contact with DM until she can behave appropriately.

I might be tempted to say really outlandish things about DD's accomplishments just to see what DM comes back with (DD has had a picture accepted for viewing at the V&A) (DD's classmates voted her the most popular girl in school) (DD can swim three miles now) but that would be childish

It was behaviour like this that made me slowly go to very low contact with my mother. I have 2 very clear moments where I made decisions to change

1 dd2 was almost 5 and we had gone to the country my mother lived in for Christmas (first time we had done so with children) my mother had not seen my children for over a year at this point. Niece was also there who mother saw about once a month at this point. I was sorting some stuff for dinner when dd2 came over to me wanting me to do something and I said "I can't right now why dont you go see if grandma will help you?" DD2 looked up to me and said with utter acceptance in her voice " no she would rather be with niece"

That was the moment I decided to stop coming to the country I was born in very much as I did not want my children to feel like dd2 had at this point. (I stopped making dinner and sat down to do what she had wanted to do)

A few years later I phoned my mother up and told her during this conversation that DS (then year 6) had received a 6 in English in his primary school end and explained how fantastic this was. She replied" DN is also really wonderful at English" At this point DN had lived with me for 18 months in the UK so yes she was good at English but not the the extend of a native English speaker like my son was. That was the point I stopped phoning all together and the few times she did the moment she made any comparison to dn I ended conversations.

I love my niece she is a lovely girl however she is not better than any of my 4 she is just a lovely person. So is my children. My mother completely lost out there as she never bothered with mine.

My dad can do the balancing and MIL just think the sun shines out of all 8 of her grandchildren. Makes no beef about it but she is equal in how amazing they all are. It damaged my relationship with my mother that she was not able to do this for my children.

Enko yes this is how I feel

Rothbury I am quite tempted to do that.....🤣

I would disagree that DD is too young to notice, she may not be able to articulate it but she will know how her GM makes her feel even at the age of 5. Children are like sponges and absorb stuff around them and know when they are loved (or not). I would explain to your DM why you are distancing yourself but would not expect her to agree with your view of things.

I think it’s probably partly what Kimmi said, and also that she feels she’s bringing up DN largely. Maybe there’s some competition there?

Tbh I’m not sure if she’d notice if I distanced myself! She is very wrapped up in involving herself in my brothers life and I think he and his situation takes up 90% of her headspace

Are you able to tail to your Mum about it t all? Rather than going about it by telling her she is being unkind how about trying a more subtle approach. I'd go for a chat about how you are all going to be really careful not to ever compare the kids. I'd also completely stop sharing details about schoolwork etc. Sharing details about your 'pretty bright' DD will only lead to more problems.

Zip yeah I get that it’s just she’s always been so enthusiastic about DS’s work and she still is-he is older and therefore not direct competition to DN but he has the exact same background, family situation and schooling as DD.

She sounds like a competitive sibling and her superchild, not your mum with two grandchildren.

I have no advice. I'm just so sorry for you that you have to cope with this.

Was she prone to favouritism when you were kids?

perfectstorm no not really. I’m one of 4 so inevitably we probably thought she was favouring one over another from time to time but I don’t think so. I’m the only girl and we have always been quite close which is why this is particularly upsetting I think.

Would you really just cut your mum out of your/your kids life without talking to her about it first? I can't really imagine doing that. It could be unconscious on her part but you won't know until you discuss it. Also, from the sounds of it your DD is doing very well at school etc and maybe your DM is trying to avoid your DN feeling bad or feeling second best (which is actually a valid concern given her home environment).

I would at least speak to her about it, maybe with your other brother there who can offer an impartial perspective and back up your viewpoint.

AIBU to say something to her or do I just keep my kids away from her as DH thinks I should?

Do both.

You are over reacting

Ok tumblr -in what way?

This constant drip, drip, drip of how great her DN is will affect your DD over time. It might not seem like much but when it's been going on her whole life, and it's all the time, and no one seems to speak out against it and actually get heard? It's toxic and abusive and awful, and will result in depression or self esteem issues.

Don't let your mother do this to your child.

My sister was my mother's favourite. I was most definitely not. I've struggled with depression my whole life, and it's all down to my mother's behaviours towards me.

When my sister had several children there was one who looked a bit like me, and behaved a bit like me, and sure enough, my mother picked on her too. It didn't seem like much: just the odd remark here and there. And now my niece is in her twenties and she's so depressed she's unable to work or have friends or do anything much.

Protect your child, please. Speak out every single time your mother does this. If you can't manage that, then don't let your mother spend time with your daughter. It's horrible, and life-changing, and nasty.

Personally I’d be telling her exactly what you’re seeing. And backing off. I’m in a similar situation, everything ds1 does is gold, ds2 doesn’t get half the attention or time. At the moment I’m putting it down to age of youngest, but I’m very aware of it and know how my dm would react- with absolute incredulity and would very much twist and talk her way out of it- despite it being clear as day.
Fortunately we don’t live close, so won’t have to deal with it very often- and as ds2 gets older, if things don’t change naturally, believe me I will enforce change.

For goodness sake,...take no notice of those saying keep away from her, or keep the kids away. It's your mother!
If we all went NC for stuff like this, no one would ever see each other.
Talk to your mum! Her attitude is quite common. She feels closer to the children she looks after and boasts about your DN the way some mothers do about their kids. Your DM is probably unaware of how much she does it.
It's not the end of the world and your DD won't be scarred for life.

Talk to her about it and let her know how hurt you are by it. Am horrified by suggestions here that you should cut your mum off and keep your child away from her. Don't think you should be influenced by other people in your family stirring you up against your mum.

Try not to compete with her by mentioning your own childs
performances, and when she mentions achievements, just say that's nice" and change the subject. If it continues, def say something, she may not be aware at all, and highlighting it will mean she knows you notice and perhaps she will no longer get away with doing it.

Your mother is a nasty bitch OP. The way she is behaving to your DD is totally unforgivable and I imagine it will only get worse when she and DN get older. No decent, right thinking person would try to put a small child down to make another one feel better. I think it is a bit more than she is trying to compensate for DN's unstable homelife. Where is DN's mother in all this? Was your DB the 'golden child' by any chance?

I had the same situation with my mother and my twin sons. One with undiagnosed SN displayed as very challenging and frustrating behaviour, the other one impeccably behaved with a world view and intelligence that belied his years. She decided that we told DS2 off too much (so we should have let him jump around on the furniture and run off down the road!)on the few times a year we visited and that DS1 should be made to feel bad too (DS2 never cared about sanctions!) so she would tell DS2 how handsome he was and tell DS1 he was ugly and he should shut up and he was stupid when he tried to engage her in conversation about wanting to be a paleontologist, etc. They were 8 at the time. DS1 still thinks he's ugly despite us trying to explain my mother's disordered way of thinking. She as a loved and respected adult in family planted that seed in his head.

We are NC now - her choice - which beautifully explains the kind of person she is which it hit me like a thunderbolt when the scales fell away.

I would tell her that she is not going to be around either of your DC until she addresses her behaviour and if she can't/won't she won't be seeing them. Don't be surprised if she withdraws herself though. People like this often cannot cope with being challenged.

And people are seriously suggesting you just shouldn't mention your DD's achievements or tell your mother about what she's done. Talk about enabling shit behaviour . Think the DD might notice that as well later on.