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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mother is being spiteful to my daughter

100 replies

MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 17:43

Here goes:

I have 2 DCs -DS (8) DD (5)
I have 2 nieces the eldest of whom is also 5 (DN)

My brother has had some issues -poor decisions, gambling problem, low level depression. DM looks after his 2 children a lot as they live nearby.

Since DD was born DM has treated her as competition for DN-every milestone she’s reached “oh yes DN does that”, any present I bought for DD she went out and bought DN.

This has escalated since they started school in September to the point where I say “DD has won a certificate for x” and she barely acknowledges it. It should be noted that for DS who was her first grandchild she is over the top enthusiastic about everything. At the end of term I showed her DD’s school reports -she said “ oh yes DN got an excellent one”. At my other brothers at Christmas he commented on how good DD’s writing is -she then spent five minutes explaining DNs school report in great detail in direct response. She also ridiculed DD for making a mistake in counting to 100-when in fact she did it perfectly.

On the way out DS gave my brother a hug. DM said “oh he’s so affectionate isn’t he lovely”, DD went to give him a hug (granted not quite as exuberantly but she’s naturally a bit shy) and she said “she’s not”.

To start with I told myself I was being silly but DH has noticed it, as had my other brother and his wife who think it is really bad.

AIBU to say something to her or do I just keep my kids away from her as DH thinks I should?

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 29/12/2017 18:13

She might not notice now, but she will soon

FastandLoose · 29/12/2017 18:14

Your daughter Ian not going to remain blissfully ignorant of the unfairness. I would talk to your mum and if you don’t get a suitable response, distance yourselves for both your childrens’ good. If she dismisses your concerns as you suspect, you can’t do any more - ultimately, you know that her behaviour is unacceptable - the reasons for it are immaterial. If she can’t/won’t change, I wouldn’t be happy to subject my daughter to it.

Original poster

MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 18:15

My SIL who is my other brothers wife wants her husband to say something to DM but I don’t want to drag him into it. He has noticed it a few times though.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 29/12/2017 18:17

She sounds slightly batty and a trouble maker. I'd keep contact to the minimum

Original poster

MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 18:17

Equally i also think that if DM has to force herself to be nice and supportive of DD just because I said something then what’s the point!

OP posts:

Shockers · 29/12/2017 18:18

I have no words of wisdom because my mother did/does this with DS. It breaks my heart, but it’s her who has missed out.

I think she compensates for the fact that he has no cognitive difficulties, where DD does. Unfortunately, this means that he has understood since being tiny that his Granny doesn’t like him.

I withdrew almost completely for a long time, but am slowly spending more time with my mother now that DS is older and doing his own thing.

Tinkie25 · 29/12/2017 18:18

You have to do something. Either say something or keep your kids away as DD will soon start to notice.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 29/12/2017 18:18

I think that kimmy is spot on.
I'd be distancing myself big time. In your OP, your dd is being unfairly compared to her cousin and brother for not being her cousin or brother (?) If your dd is not aware, I bet her cousin or brother must have heard plenty and it will be a matter of time before dd hears nasty stuff that your mum has said. I wouldn't allow anyone to make my child feel like shit.
I think that it's great that your mum is singing dn's praises but it shouldn't be at your dd's cost. It's not your dd's fault that she's the same age and from a stable background.

Namechangetempissue · 29/12/2017 18:20

Believe me, she WILL notice.
My ex boss was deeply affected by her grandmothers favouritism to her brother. It was similar to your story -her brother would get nicer comments, more attention, the first choice of things all the time, days out focused on his interests or days out alone with granny. Granny was never openly horrible or mean, but it was very clear who the favourite was. It really has had an impact on ex bosses life and relationships. She remembers so much, even from an early age and it obviously still upsets her.

PandaPieForTea · 29/12/2017 18:20

The choice is either to distance yourself without explanation or confront it and see if it changes. It’s a kindness to give her a chance to change. It actually makes sense for your other brother to say something as he could be perceived to have a more objective view.

Loonoonow · 29/12/2017 18:21

MY MIL used to do this. I think it came from a misguided attempt to try and even things up as she perceived our DC to be more privileged than the cousins. She is not a subtle person and everyone knew what she was doing. Even my FIL and the cousins involved used to pull her up on it. My older DD knew what was going on and was hurt at first but we explained it away as MIL baking a bit old and silly. Eventually it became a bit of a joke and the cousins, the favoured and unflavoured would tease her and each other about it, She was a bit confused at first because she really thought she was being subtle but soon realised how silly it all was and got over herself.

Original poster

MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 18:24

Jaime yes I agree. Its exacerbated by the fact that they are almost exactly the same age and DD is pretty bright so academically is doing well. I don’t think DN is doing badly at all but it really shouldn’t matter.

On the other hand DHs mother has more grandchildren but dotes on my two in exactly the same way as their cousins and really takes time with them. She has many other characteristics which irritate me (!) but on this I can’t fault her. It does serve to highlight DMs behaviour though.

OP posts:

saoirse31 · 29/12/2017 18:24

My son noticed similar at almost three... On way home from Granny's house, commented granny loves a and b, (his cousins). I said she loves u too, he said no, just a and b.

He was right, luckily gets on v well with cousins , but 18 yrs later, his granny will still denigrate his achievemenys

BewareOfDragons · 29/12/2017 18:25

I would tell her you're going to keep them away from her and tell her why: one last chance. Any ore of that bullshit, and she won't be allowed to spend time with them anymore.

She's clearly treating her other DN as 'hers' since she cares for her a lot, and acting like an overbearing competitive 'mum'. Weird and sad.

And completely unfair to your DD.

Lweji · 29/12/2017 18:27

if DM has to force herself to be nice and supportive of DD just because I said something then what’s the point!

The point is that your DD will eventually notice otherwise. It's possible that your mother is not aware she's doing it.
You'd be telling her for the sake of your DD. Nobody else.

Trb17 · 29/12/2017 18:27

Have a word AND keep your children away from her. If you allow it... this will affect your DD for life in ways you can’t imagine. The part of my last sentence that matters is “if you allow it”.

VienesseWhirls · 29/12/2017 18:27

Yanbu, horrible behaviour.

Original poster

MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 18:28

Beware yes that is how she acts-as though DN is her child.

OP posts:

Original poster

MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 18:29

Lweji yes I see your point

OP posts:

Lweji · 29/12/2017 18:29

Actually, in contrast to advice to remove contact, I think her attitude could be improved by more contact, so that she could feel closer to your DD and feel her as hers too, or at least more.
If she then persisted, or wasn't interested, and didn't change her attitude, then yes keep your DD away from her.

Original poster

MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 18:31

The other problem is that DD has a tendency to be a bit whingey (because she’s 5 not because she’s naughty) and I always feel really hyper aware of her doing that around DM as I know she won’t give her the benefit of the doubt. I’m pretty sure she tells people that she is badly behaved which she isn’t. She’s just 5!

OP posts:

littlebird55 · 29/12/2017 18:31

This will get worse in my experience. You need to keep your kids away. I tried talking about it with my parents, and didn't get anywhere. I don't fancy your chances either. Just make a life that rarely includes them and then they can't be a negative influence on you or your dc.

Lweji · 29/12/2017 18:33

I'm coming from a point of view of having a child initially in a different country from my mother. When we called, it was all about how my nephews were doing. She didn't seem interested in my DS, only by comparison. But I think it was also to keep me in the loop about what was happening to them.

Now that we live in the same town again, she has grown closer to DS and although she still has a somewhat weird attitude towards DS (because of his dad... long story), they have grown closer and I don't get so many comparisons or stories about my nephews.

This is why I think you should give her an opportunity and that includes giving them a chance to spend more time together, if possible.

Tinselistacky · 29/12/2017 18:34

My dm favoured my pfb dd over her db until I couldn't ignore it. We are not nc and no regrets. Not only was it not fair on my ds but neither on dd who obviously noticed she got special treatment from dgm. Bow out of her life before you are tied in knots about it. Dc manage perfectly well without dgps!!

Original poster

MBDBBB · 29/12/2017 18:34

The thing is lweji whenever she looks after my DCs she always without fail invites DN over too!

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