To think my mother is being spiteful to my daughter

[MBDBBB]

Here goes:

I have 2 DCs -DS (8) DD (5)
I have 2 nieces the eldest of whom is also 5 (DN)

My brother has had some issues -poor decisions, gambling problem, low level depression. DM looks after his 2 children a lot as they live nearby.

Since DD was born DM has treated her as competition for DN-every milestone she’s reached “oh yes DN does that”, any present I bought for DD she went out and bought DN.

This has escalated since they started school in September to the point where I say “DD has won a certificate for x” and she barely acknowledges it. It should be noted that for DS who was her first grandchild she is over the top enthusiastic about everything. At the end of term I showed her DD’s school reports -she said “ oh yes DN got an excellent one”. At my other brothers at Christmas he commented on how good DD’s writing is -she then spent five minutes explaining DNs school report in great detail in direct response. She also ridiculed DD for making a mistake in counting to 100-when in fact she did it perfectly.

On the way out DS gave my brother a hug. DM said “oh he’s so affectionate isn’t he lovely”, DD went to give him a hug (granted not quite as exuberantly but she’s naturally a bit shy) and she said “she’s not”.

To start with I told myself I was being silly but DH has noticed it, as had my other brother and his wife who think it is really bad.

AIBU to say something to her or do I just keep my kids away from her as DH thinks I should?

I think I will perhaps try giving her the benefit of the doubt and try talking to her in the hope that she doesn’t realise she’s doing it. I don’t want to cut contact as I am close to my brothers on the whole and I dont want there to be a rift.

DN’s mother is a subject in herself and possibly part of the problem. Basically we are a family where we all went to uni, education was important and we all did fairly well. DN did not go to uni and neither did any of her family. I am absolutely not saying that this is a bad thing, just explaining context. I think that DM feels it is her responsibility to make sure that DN does well academically as her mother is unlikely to set the same store by it. It probably irritates the f* out ofher mother but they rely heavily on DM for childcare so is unlikely to say anything.

I was the favoured grandchild by my dad’s widowed Mum.

She favoured me massively because I look like my dad, who looks like his dad. My sister looks like my mum. We were the only grandchildren on either side.

It has left me with such extreme guilt that I was favoured over my sister that my therapist suggested that it’s one of the main sources of the depression that I’ve had for as long as I can remember. And I came to detest that grandmother.

So she’s not just potentially fucking things up with your dd but with your niece too.

You could go two ways.
Nc or talk to her.
She will deny, but she doesn't actually have to agree with you, she just needs to stop doing it.
When this happened in my family I made an arrangement with my dh that when she was unkind/ unfair to our dd we would immediately bring it up, saying " this is what we mean, you just said blah blah to dd and that was unkind", we decided that the truth was more important than any awkwardness, so we tackled it in the moment, no matter who was there or where we were.
She usually turned on the waterworks, but she got the message. We kept it really simple, just repeated " how is that fair/ kind ".

It was great for out daughter to see us standing up for her.
Even now I sometimes catch the culprit squirming, wanting to say something bitchy, but knowing she can't get away with it now. It's quite funny
Plus we never leave dd alone with her.

.

Actually, I was the favoured sister by my grandmother. Neither me nor my sister suffer from depression.
I found it annoying and silly. Not sure what my sister thought, but it may have been why, when my grandmother got really old and went into a care home, my sister rarely visited. I didn't visit much either, TBH. She just wasn't a nice person.

At some point your child may ask about it. I'd explain that it's a grandmother issue, nothing to do with the child.

Because it’s really not that big a deal

It is.

It is to those affected by it.

I'd say now mum stop this pathetic oneupmanship, they're children let them be kids and pack up your stupid competitive behaviour -make sure you've got your brother on board, they'll end up fighting with each other when they're older as to who is best

Just take a step back with DM for a bit.
Be a less frequent visitor
Don't seek your DM's approval. Your DC only need you and DH to love them.

Wow I thought Kimmys post is right. Doesn’t stop it from seeming very unfair though.

You need to have a chat with her and tell her that you're not the only one that's noticed. Ask her why she doesn't like your daughter x

I actually think your B saying something to your m would be better than you.
The reason being is that she would just say or think you're being precious about your child and dismiss what you say.
If your brother said something she may listen as he is impartial and the conversation may be less emotive.

She is looking after my DCs next week for two days as I am at work and it’s still school hols. DH is away. After that I will keep my distance for a bit. I think I’ve spent too much time with her over Christmas and I need to take a step back and see how it goes. I will definitely say something the next time the issue arises again-I need to get a grip of it before DD is old enough to understand-the stories I have read here hammer that home. DD knows DH and I are incredibly proud of her and DS and we make a fuss of all of their achievements-I hope that this will be enough.

I agree that your brother speaking to your mother would be a good idea. It’s a tough one for you to have to articulate without sounding too ‘dramatic’ Your poor DD. Good luck

I agree with Dancing, your brother voicing his concerns would be better than coming from you.

I had an aunt who favoured my older sister over me and boy did she show it. This is petty but it sticks out - she came over to see us once and bought chocolate eclair with her. She opened the box when there was just me, my mum and her in the room, there were 5 cakes. She asked my mum if she wanted one but said nothing to me. My sister came in the room, my aunt gave me a look out of the corner of her eye, and pushed the box towards my sister. So I was the only one without a cake. Until my mum calmly got the remaining two cakes out and gave them to me. My aunt's face was a picture. That simple spiteful act stayed with me - I must have been 7 or 8. My point is that even though I was young I knew she disliked me. I am not sure why, I was a quiet child, not precocious, it was inexplicable. Her name was Nell, and she was overweight. In a few short years she had cause to dislike me - I used to sing Nelly the Elephant when she came in the tool. Not particularly nice but satisfying after the slights she had directed my way. Kids do notice stuff, and your not so DM either needs to be pulled up about it or you need to keep your DD away from her.

When this happened in my family I made an arrangement with my dh that when she was unkind/ unfair to our dd we would immediately bring it up, saying " this is what we mean, you just said blah blah to dd and that was unkind", we decided that the truth was more important than any awkwardness, so we tackled it in the moment, no matter who was there or where we were.
She usually turned on the waterworks, but she got the message. We kept it really simple, just repeated " how is that fair/ kind ".
It was great for out daughter to see us standing up for her.
Even now I sometimes catch the culprit squirming, wanting to say something bitchy, but knowing she can't get away with it now. It's quite funny
Plus we never leave dd alone with her.

It's heartening to hear how well you dealt with it.

As for awkwardness: the person being so rude creates awkwardness. We usually keep quiet because we've been taught that it's unpleasant to create awkwardness--so we usually say nothing, and those nasty comments remain unchallenged. By challenging them you gave the awkwardness back to the person who created it in the first place. Well done!

Because it’s really not that big a deal

It's not a big deal if it only happens once and was a genuine mistake. It's not a big deal if you're not the focus of the unpleasant comments. But when it happens all the time, and you are the focus of the spitefulness, then it's a huge deal and causes all sorts of distress and damage. Please don't minimise bullying like this.

Ontherise I do agree and I owe it to my daughter to overcome my fear of awkwardness.

And yes, it feels like a big deal to us because this has been going on for 5 years and is only getting worse.

You know very well she realizes she is doing it. In your shoes I'd address it with her once only - no waffle, straight to the point and decisive. & if she did it again then I'd keep the DCs away, simple as that.

Children FIRST. Not grown adults who are already more than halfway through their lives and think it's fine to pick on kids. You stick up for your children when someone is hell-bent on ruining their confidence making them feel "lesser" as they grow through childhood. That stands whether they're a relative or not.

Who cares why your DM may be doing it? It needs to stop. I'd have had this out with DM already at the times it happened, in your shoes. I hope you're addressing it very soon.

I know some have said your brother should address it - but I think it's up to a parent. You, or their dad. Don't hide behind your brother. Don't let yourself get in the position of being, or appearing to be, scared of your mum and her possible response. You won't be a help to your DD, if you allow that. & if she grows up with your DM carping at her and becomes aware you didn't defend her then you really will have an issue on your hands.

Work out what you want to say, then tell her. Broken record technique, if you have to. & if all goes wrong and you have to keep DD away then do that. Even if it means you have to re-arrange childcare arrangements. Hopefully she will then come to her senses

MBD, you might find it useful to visit CaptainAwkward.com, and to read a few of the archived posts there. There's lots of brilliant advice about how to deal with familial dysfunction there. It's a great resource for those of us who have less than ideal families.

Mistress I’m not scared of DM at all and am not really afraid of confrontation in the right circumstances, I suppose I just don’t want to cause upset to the rest of the family by making an issue. It’s only really been in the last few weeks that there have been incidents of overt criticism-previously it has more been a lack of interest or a changing the subject onto DNs achievements so kind of hard to make an issue over. The change in the last couple of weeks has really upset me though -hence my post here and I certainly don’t intend to let it slide, more weigh up what I should do.

I was a child that was ignored and overlooked by my grandmother, my brother was the favourite, as i got older i noticed more and more.
Now an adult it still hurts.
Dont let it continue

MBDBBB

I am not saying directly that you are scared - but you sound passive in the face of your daughter needing you. Not because you haven't dealt with matter as yet - but because wrapped up in your talk about this, is your wish to not upset your family. The way to not upset your DM is to not say anything. Because certainly, it will cause upset if you do

If you don't want to upset DM and this minimising and criticising of your DD continues - and it will, because people like that don't stop - then it's to be hoped your DH will step in and put a stop to it. You are the parents it's your call to deal with albeit it's your DM causing problems so onus more on you.

I wondered if you'd seen the Stately Homes thread. Lots of lovely brave people over there, supporting each other still trying to get over the trauma of being minimised and criticised in childhood. Don't underestimate the consequences of your DMs actions.

Good luck whatever happens

Popsicle💐

My family is full of narcissists. Comments were made when I was a child about the special relationship my grandmother had with my elder cousin - the first born grandchild. I was jealous because she never made me feel special. As I got older I struggled to understand why my cousin loved my grandmother so much as she wasn't a very nice woman. My aunt, mother’s sister and mother to firstborn cousin, told me my grandmother was only ever interested in her firstborn and not her second child.

My mother continued this wonderful tradition by favouring my elder brother. He grew up being allowed to abuse me verbally and physically as well as being sexually demeaning.

My sil and brother now massively favour their child over mine. He is everything good. Mine is not. She older, should know better because their pfb is only little. Fine for sil to scream and shout at her. The irony is that their pfb is now about the same age as dd was when she was acting sooo inappropriately yet he is only little you know.

We are nc with brother and his wife and do not have much contact with my mother. My grandmother died some years ago.