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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is quite a lot to put on me

84 replies

StripySocks1 · 28/12/2017 22:13

Sorry, this might be a bit long!

I have one sibling who has ADHD, he’s extremely introverted and doesn’t like people to know his diagnosis. He is in his mid 20s and lives with my parents, he has never had a job.

After he left university he applied for jobs and got a couple of interviews but never got anywhere, I tried to convince him to tell potential employers about his diagnosis so they could make allowances for him but he would not budge. I love him to bits but to be honest if you don’t know that he’s got ADHD he comes across as a bit odd and aloof, but everyone who does know (just close friends and family) can see past it and love him, it just takes a while to get to know him.

After a couple of job rejections he decided, with the support of my parents, to give up job searching and now just stays at home doing his hobby all day.

Every time I try to speak to my parents about his future they shut me down, all I’ve managed to get from them is that they expect when they’re gone that he will come to live with me.

My AIBU is that with the right support and the right employer he absolutely could work and live independently, albeit with help - but I think it’s not fair to just let him ‘opt out’ and expect me to support him financially into old age, it’s unlikely my parents will leave us more than a couple of thousand pounds and I’m not a big earner and have a family of my own to provide for, plus what will happen if I’m not around to look after him? He would literally have nothing.

OP posts:
Angrybird345 · 28/12/2017 22:20

Tell your parents you won’t do it, that he needs to be self sufficient.

SantaClauseMightWork · 28/12/2017 22:22

Whatever you do, don't let this happen to him. He needs help and thorough, full on support for getting a job. Make a plan to do that and tell them you will only think of anything else if this plan doesn't work.
If your gut instincts are right, it will work out. If you are wrong, you will have something to work from.
At this stage, not only he hasn't put any effort to be fair (it takes far far more than a couple of interviews for everyone as only the bloody geniuses get the jobs on a plate, or someone with a strong reference).
I am sure your parents are enabling this. Stop it while you can.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/12/2017 22:22

They have a real nerve telling you to do that.

They're not caring for him properly if they're just letting him/encouraging him to stay at home and do nothing.

Does he have a social worker?

planetclom · 28/12/2017 22:27

ADHD "odd and aloof" that doesn't sound correct .
It is difficult for someone with SEN to get a job so I don't blame his lack of motivation but it's not for you to pick up the slack your not his keeper.
He needs to at the very least apply for PIP and ESA

64BooLane · 28/12/2017 22:28

Wow, no I don’t think you’re being U at all.

It sounds like they've found it easier to handle the situation in this rather passive way, which isn’t really in his long-term interests at all - and they’re just hoping you will fall in with it, shoulder the financial burden of supporting him and not ask too many questions. Sort of an old-fashioned mindset, maybe? The idea that ADHD alone stops a person from working and living independently is surely not in keeping with current thinking?

Do you think your brother has other undiagnosed issues, maybe?

pandarific · 28/12/2017 22:34

YANBU at all, though I am afraid you need to have it out with your parents, tell them what you’ve said here and that your brother either needs to be receiving disability or unemployment benefits, or working. And that he can’t live with you.

His life will be a lot better if he is independent.

64BooLane · 28/12/2017 22:34

Bit shocked by this actually, on reflection.

My own DS has dyspraxia and possible ADHD. I fully expect him to be capable, with our support, of finding work he enjoys. But if he doesn’t, I would never dream of putting this kind of expectation on DD. Ffs.

Original poster
StripySocks1 · 28/12/2017 22:43

64boolane he definitely has other issues too, but they’re all part of the SEN as far as I’m aware, but they’re certainly not anything that couldn’t be worked around. He’s very intelligent and I wouldn’t particularly say he’s lazy (he works very hard on things he’s interested in, he doesn’t sit around all day watching tv or anything) but he’s definitely not motivated.

I just cannot seem to get the conversation started with my parents, every time I bring it up they just stop me talking and say they don’t want to discuss it.

It’s easy to say tell them I won’t support him but he is my brother and they know there’s no way I’d abandon him.

OP posts:
usedtogotomars · 28/12/2017 22:44

They actually said that to you in so many words?

ADHD doesn’t normally present itself in the way you describe. Definitely not ASD?

yorkshireyummymummy · 28/12/2017 22:45

This is going back a few years but it’s a similar tale.
My mum was friends with a girl- I will call her Lynn- who had a twin brother - I will call him Tim. Tim had Down’s syndrome.
Tim was lucky as when he was born it was common to put downs children into a home but Tim’s parents kept him at home.
Tim went to a ‘ special’ school and had some friends but he didn’t have any sort of independent life at all. As his mother grew older she worried dreadfully about what would happen to Tim. She tried to make Lynn promise to take Tim in when she died. But Lynn had three small children and a husband and simply didn’t know if she could deal with Tim. Anyway, mum died and Tim announced he didn’t want to live with Lynn- he wanted to do as his friends did.
So, with help from social services, a place was found for Tim in a shared flat. He learned how to cook, clean, use a washer and iron, to catch a bus, shop fir food/ clothes etc. He volunteered at various places and was a valued member of society. He had so much to give, he just needed to be given some encouragement and help in order to facilitate this. He went to the pub and football match with his BIL and he utterly blossomed.
So although his mum had absolutely loved him and done what she thought was best she haD never asked HIM what HE wanted. And because he was lovely he just waited until the time was right and then he gained his independence. Nobody knew what he was capable of until he was given the chance. He died a few years ago but he was as happy as a sandman , living with his friends and he had such a love of life. I don’t blame his mum, she was a different generation, as I feel your parents are.
Tim’s mum left plenty of money so they had the choice. If your parents are not leaving enough money to ensure you can look after him without it costing you then IMO they don’t have any right to expect you to do anything, especially if it affects your children financially.
So I would tell Mum and Dad that you will assess the situation when the time comes but they are doing him a disservice by keeping him indoors - hiding your head in the sand is not going to help anybody. And there’s a whole world out there and your brother needs to get himself a job and start living his life.

AdoraBell · 28/12/2017 22:46

YANBU, as you said he needs support. Ignoring the issue will make it go away.

5foot5 · 28/12/2017 22:48

You really need to make your position clear ASAP

The longer they allow this to go on the more unemployable he will become and it is totally and utterly unacceptable to expect you to make up for their failures. And it would be their failure if they allow your DB to hide away and give up instead of supporting him towards independence.

Honestly two rejections is nothing. My DD is a recent graduate with a good degree. No issues, good cv, very personable. She has had temporary work but still not found a "proper" graduate job. So your DB should not be giving up. That is ridiculous.

Original poster
StripySocks1 · 28/12/2017 22:48

mybrilliantdisguise no, he doesn’t have a social worker, he’s complaining out of the system, how would I go about getting one for him?

OP posts:
Original poster
StripySocks1 · 28/12/2017 22:49

*completely not complaining

OP posts:
annandale · 28/12/2017 22:50

I would start doing fun stuff with him and talk to him about it. See if you can get him some work experience at your workplace, or with someone you know? He sounds like the sort of person would ideally would get a temp job somewhere and they would get to know his strengths. Imo that can still work.

WhendoIgetadayoff · 28/12/2017 22:50

Your parents aren’t helping him but can you? Can you help him with applications and interviews or volunteer work for experience. Is there way of getting hobby to turn into work. My son is ADHD and I very much hope his sister will be around to help and support him in the future when I’m unable to but I’d absolutely not expect more than that. I fully expect him to work and be able to support himself much as I also expect him to be at home longer than most young people.
Your parents attitude is strange. He only 20 and needs support but it’s like they’ve given up on him.

64BooLane · 28/12/2017 22:52

Have you talked to him about the whole situation?

Milkandtwosugarsplease · 28/12/2017 22:57

You really need to get your parents to listen. Or if they won’t listen wrote them a letter. What you want for him would be so much better for him and once they see that they’ll be more open. Give them evidence. Find ADHD support groups and explain how a social worker could help him find a job, with living arrangements etc. Explain that you’ll always be there for your brother but you have your own family that need you. You clearly care about him dearly but he’s not your child, you can’t be responsible for him.

Original poster
StripySocks1 · 28/12/2017 23:03

Thanks for all your support, I already feel better just writing it down!

I have spoken to him about it but it’s very difficult to get anything out of him, he’s quite happy with the status quo but he’s never been very financially literate and just thinks about the here and now. I haven’t said to him bluntly that he will have no income once our parents are gone.

Believe me if I could get him a job I would! There are loads of call centres near where he lives that take on temp staff but he refuses to apply for anything where he’d be speaking to people and to be fair that kind of job wouldn’t suit him at all.

My parents attitude is odd but they’re both very introverted too and when I’ve brought up volunteer work they just scoff and said why would he work for free when he’s happy with doing what he’s doing now, it’s like talking to a brick wall!

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 28/12/2017 23:04

You need to be very clear with your parents now: he won't be living with you.

They have failed him, are continuing to fail him, and you will not be picking up the pieces by continuing to fail him.

They need to support him in getting out into the real world now and becoming independent. ADHD doesn't mean he can't work and support himself.

Be prepared to be told you won't be inheriting anything when they're gone, but you probably weren't going to anyway. Suspect it will all go to him to 'help' him.

Jassmells · 28/12/2017 23:05

I have a cousin with similar issues. He did work for a bit from say 17-25. Since then not really. He's now 43. Some weeks he doesn't leave the house. When he did work he at least had routine and interaction and socialised. The last almost 20 years it has I believe sent him into a spiral of his mental health getting worse and worse. All he does is sit at home and get himself in a state about the news or what he thinks the neighbour's are up to.Yes it was difficult for him to work but it was worth it in terms of his social skills and attitude? however turned out he was better off on benefits and it was easier so....
I would urge you to try and keep him in work as long as he can.

Ceebs85 · 28/12/2017 23:06

Your parents are disabling him by burying their heads in the sand. What a really sad set up.

If they won't listen could you not speak directly to him? Explain you can't have him live with you when they aren't around and explain he would need to be able to pay rent etc. It may be worth contacting a charity relevant to his condition or a carers organisation..from reading what he's like I assumed an autism spectrum condition rather than ADHD. They may be able to advise on how you could broach this with him and advise generally.

What a horrible situation. No YANBU. Keep making it clear to your parents!

Jassmells · 28/12/2017 23:07

Ps just realised he went to uni so he is academically capable of far more... there are plenty of roles that may suit his skill set it's just a matter of finding what suits?

FrancisCrawford · 28/12/2017 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allthetuppences · 28/12/2017 23:08

I realise every case is different. But the two people I know that I am aware have ADHD both work. They do struggle with holding down work though this is less of a problem now for one of them, she (and I am aware there are different gendered presentations) has found an employer (a large retail compaby that actually don't suck at looking after their employees) where she can be frank about things she also has finally got onto a very good management plan for her mental health and medication. Which is awesome as it buoyed her up when she lost her home. She struggles with long term relationships but is independent of partners or family in her day to day life.
The other I know far less well. He sticks at jobs for about a year but is improved since finding a love of a particular trade. Fingers crossed.
I know these are anecdotal. But there is hope. Start with a social worker or a gp referral for support.