AIBU to think this is quite a lot to put on me

[StripySocks1]

Sorry, this might be a bit long!

I have one sibling who has ADHD, he’s extremely introverted and doesn’t like people to know his diagnosis. He is in his mid 20s and lives with my parents, he has never had a job.

After he left university he applied for jobs and got a couple of interviews but never got anywhere, I tried to convince him to tell potential employers about his diagnosis so they could make allowances for him but he would not budge. I love him to bits but to be honest if you don’t know that he’s got ADHD he comes across as a bit odd and aloof, but everyone who does know (just close friends and family) can see past it and love him, it just takes a while to get to know him.

After a couple of job rejections he decided, with the support of my parents, to give up job searching and now just stays at home doing his hobby all day.

Every time I try to speak to my parents about his future they shut me down, all I’ve managed to get from them is that they expect when they’re gone that he will come to live with me.

My AIBU is that with the right support and the right employer he absolutely could work and live independently, albeit with help - but I think it’s not fair to just let him ‘opt out’ and expect me to support him financially into old age, it’s unlikely my parents will leave us more than a couple of thousand pounds and I’m not a big earner and have a family of my own to provide for, plus what will happen if I’m not around to look after him? He would literally have nothing.

sticky how is one's own brother none of the OP's business? Especially as the parents have her lined up as carer!

"
To those saying tell my parents I won’t take him in, I can’t do that, I will take him in if I absolutely have to, but I want to avoid it because I don’t think it needs to get to that stage"

Ok I can totally see where you are coming from. then say when and if I am responsible for dh he will be on a work programme/job if st all possible. I see he has the potential to work and I don't believe this solitary at home life style is best for him. That way your parents know your thinking.

I agree with mummy of little Dragon.

Maybe part of his reluctance to look for work is the fear that he'll have to do things he can't do or finds extremely difficult - not in terms of learning how to do them but things like using the phone. I can use the phone but I hate it, it really bothers me in a work role. So I work for myself and do everything by email - I explicitly don't offer phone contact. Maybe if you can encourage him to look for jobs / self-employment in an area that plays to his strengths and minimises / avoids his "weaknesses" he might be more keen? Even if it's starting small, using a hobby to make stuff he can sell, and then growing it a bit. It's not easy making money when the world is set up for people totally different to you but at least he'd have you helping him negotiate it.

italiangreyhound just because you have a sibling relationship doesn’t make their private life or medical diagnoses or support needs any of your business. Many families operate an open book policy but that doesn’t mean every member of that family wants to be part of it. The life choices of another adult is nobody else’s business regardless of blood relations.

As I highlighted when those choices impact on the OP then that is indeed her business and she needs to state her position now but as it is, the home and work situation between her brother and her parents is only the business of the brother and the parents.

OP I know you say you will take him in if it becomes absolutely necessary, however could you just tell your parents you won’t, regardless of whether you will or not?
Maybe knowing there’s no other option might make them change.

Does he/has he had ongoing medical or professional support? If he was diagnosed a long time ago, with no recent input (it reads this way to me) then getting a second opinion or current support could help him change his own attitude towards the situation.

@sticky I think the issue here is, if no one helps him now then its inevitable that he will become the OPs responsibility, regardless of whether she makes her position known.

Once the parents are gone, if her brother has no other support network or independence, he will then need to rely on OP. By then it could be too late for the OP to find a way to help him.

Op.... You said he went to university?

He managed that OK, so seems he can live and function perfectly OK... So no way should you be expected to take on this kidult.

With some support, which is perfectly reasonable for your brother to have, he should be doing something with his life, and living independently

How did he manage at uni? Did he love away?

is that with the right support and the right employer he absolutely could work and live independently

The fact that he has managed to complete university (3/4 years?) shows he is able to commit to something and apply himself. There is no reason why having a job would be any different. YANBU.

If you don't want to approach it with the "I won't take him in", how about that it isn't faire that you should work for the both of you when he is perfectly capable of working?

Generally, at uni you have some element of control over your studies, time management etc, its not as restrictive as employment if you need to take some time out.

Having a first time job can be difficult for anyone, especially someone with sen. You’re told what to do, how to do it, you have a tighter schedule and deadlines to meet, there’s general social pressure which at uni can be easier to escape.
At uni you’re generally around people in the same generation as you which for some people makes ‘personal’ problems a bit easier to deal with. You have a chance to develop relationships. At work, people are always busy, and a lot of people can make new employees feel like shit when they’re just starting out and not yet got the hang of things.

You can’t be sacked from uni for no real reason, but you can be sacked from a job just like that (atleast in probation and in the first two years).

You’re more likely to enjoy yourself at what you do at uni, not everyone likes their (especially first) job

There’s all sorts of reasons why uni was doable but long term employment isn’t, without the right support and mind set, which he doesn’t seem to be getting from those who live with him.

What IntotheFlood said. You're going to have to tell them you will NOT do it, even if you would as last resort, to get your parents to take this seriously.

I've recently faced something similar with my bro who for years hasn't worked and has very obvious mental health issues. It's always been brushed under the carpet with my dad supporting him while he's been rotting away clearly in dire need of mental health support.
It's actually a very long complicated story but it thankfully all came to a head when he was arrested 2 years ago. The police took him straight to the local mental hospital as he is clearly unwell. He was sectioned, diagnosed with schizophrenia and after a long stay at hospital now has his own supported accommodation, benefits and a case worker. He's in the system which is all I ever said he needed but it took an arrest to get him there as my parents have never been able to face up to the reality of his condition.
Without it I have no idea how he'd have ended up. Homeless probably which is very sad.
Help is out there and it's very sad that those who should be doing the right thing by their family aren't.

he should claim benefit. No way should you support him financially, or be made to look after him.

I should also add that DB's schizophrenia has only really presented itself as the years have gone on. As a younger man I would say he was more on the Aspergers spectrum , went to uni, managed a job for a few years but he's got worse as the years have gone on, no doubt because he's never had any intervention until recently in his early 40s. He'll never work or have a normal life. I resent my parents quite a lot for turning a blind eye.

TomSellick He didn’t really manage at uni to be honest, he left the course before the end. He lived at home while he was at uni.

I’m sorry it took an arrest to help your brother Heather.

Oh dear, not getting on at uni that was a bit of a drip feed.

However, are there things he could do?

My fil for example is highly intelligent but has, I believe, undiagnosed SN (in his 80’s so diagnosis didn’t happen back then). He was very happy as a fork lift truck driver. Predictable, routine, not too much communication with others etc. He has (had until very recently) bags of energy and could quite happily live as a hermit - he was taught how to look after himself by my deceased mil, always lived with his widowed mother and never lived alone til she died.

(Never lived alone til his wife died)

OP just wanted to add to the voices here

It's not only massively unfair to place these expectations in you, it's harmful to yourDB in the long run.

They've convinced themselves that you can step in and continue to enable this when (not if) they're gone or unable due to their own care needs

You NEED to find a way to force the issue even if they won't engage (letter, saying a blanket NO even if privately you know you could support a little bit)

There's a difference between providing some emotional and literal support vs. being his entire care guardian for the rest of his life - that's what they're meant to be preparing him for! Lining you up as the next in line isn't sufficient to absolve them of their parental duty!! They seem to have forgotten this - how?!

Apart from anything, between work, your health, finances, and DH/kids...evening you were willing, for most families it wouldn't even be possible to entertain their notion.

I'm not sure whether social services will get involved if he doesn't want them to

I'm not sure they'd get involved at all. The threshold for ASC input in my county is "substantial and critical need" and for adults with learning disabilities they won't get involved unless the LD is sufficiently severe for them to have been educated in an LD school or they have a conclusive diagnosis that gives them an IQ of less than 80.

The only thing they might do is signpost him for support from some other organisation.

Why isn't he claiming benefits if he's not in work? Might he qualify for PIP? At least if he had benefits in place he wouldn't be destitute if anything happened to your parents.

Anyway, YANBU. Far from it!

Stickystickstick "The life choices of another adult is nobody else’s business regardless of blood relations." I guess we will just need to agree to differ. But it is not really clear that these are the brother's choices, more the parents choices. I am not saying the OP has a final say in another adult's life but I think a healthy concern for the well being of one's sibling is not a bad thing, and is at least to some extent something that could concern someone, even if they are not being asked to be a carer.

Heatherbell I am sorry to hear about your brothers experiences but glad that the dramatic events of being arrested resulted in him getting the help he needed.

We've no real idea if the OP's brother could cope with work but to be honest work varies so much - gardening in the outdoors, office work, building work, academic work, so very different, many of us could not cope with all those types of work but actually they all have very little in common with each other. Problems using the phone or computers or whatever could be combated. And as others say if he is not able to work he should get benefits.

I agree with others, you need to tell your parents you have thought long and hard about it, but will not take him in if anything happens to them. That you think they are doing him a disservice by letting him opt out of adult life and not help him now while they can.

Point out if he's not even claiming benefits, he won't be entitled to old aged pension and what do they expect him to live off? That he needs to be helped to be independent, not kept as an overgrown child.

It'll be hard, but you need to have the row, if anything to make them think about what they are doing to him.

You've basically been lined up (unconsulted, unconsenting) to be someone else's carer. Fulltime, for years, with no say.

It does not matter why (illness, disability, lack of being an independent adult) - the fact remains that your parents do not have a right to put you in this position. And should not have ever thought it was appropriate or reasonable.

Heck, if a stranger dumped a small child on your doorstep and you adopted, at least you'd only be looking at 18 ish years of care.andthat would be willing.

Not only is it unreal that your parents are expecting this... It's without end to the commitment!

They are enabling him and not to sound morose but what will happen to him when your parents aren't around?