AIBU to think this is quite a lot to put on me

[StripySocks1]

Sorry, this might be a bit long!

I have one sibling who has ADHD, he’s extremely introverted and doesn’t like people to know his diagnosis. He is in his mid 20s and lives with my parents, he has never had a job.

After he left university he applied for jobs and got a couple of interviews but never got anywhere, I tried to convince him to tell potential employers about his diagnosis so they could make allowances for him but he would not budge. I love him to bits but to be honest if you don’t know that he’s got ADHD he comes across as a bit odd and aloof, but everyone who does know (just close friends and family) can see past it and love him, it just takes a while to get to know him.

After a couple of job rejections he decided, with the support of my parents, to give up job searching and now just stays at home doing his hobby all day.

Every time I try to speak to my parents about his future they shut me down, all I’ve managed to get from them is that they expect when they’re gone that he will come to live with me.

My AIBU is that with the right support and the right employer he absolutely could work and live independently, albeit with help - but I think it’s not fair to just let him ‘opt out’ and expect me to support him financially into old age, it’s unlikely my parents will leave us more than a couple of thousand pounds and I’m not a big earner and have a family of my own to provide for, plus what will happen if I’m not around to look after him? He would literally have nothing.

Rainbowmother that’s my concern, he wouldn’t know who to go to or what to say and he’d be very vulnerable.
I’ve contacted some of the organisations that previous posters linked to and asked for help and to see what help is available.

I appreciate everyone’s input, it feels like a weight has been lifted knowing that I’m not horrible for not wanting to go along with this.

Ok that is doing significant that he's never lived away from home, and that he couldn't complete his university degree. Did he manage a full year? Did he get decent A Levels?

Does he ever talk about strange ideas or seeing or hearing things others can't? Is he a bit paranoid at all? These might point to a schizophrenia / psychosis situation, which typically develops between the ages of 15-35, most common in early 20s, but some deterioration will be seen before. Even without those symptoms, a diagnosis can still be applicable if someone seems to become very withdrawn and apathetic. It may very well be worth a conversation with your / his GP about their opinion of what might be going on, explain to them that you are being lined up as a live in carer. They will likely say they can't do anything without a request from your parents or your brother, but can at least explain the process, and that they would want to see him in this situation - could be suitable pressure on your parents?

I would also go back to your parents and clearly say 'look, I know there is more going on than you've told me. It doesn't make sense that you are loving parents and are so reluctant to see DB have a decent life. Has he got additional problems you haven't told me about? Had something bad happened that I don't know? I need to understand if you are expecting me to care for him'.

Good luck x x

Pannacott He did well at A level, but it was all subjects that he was interested in, and he had additional support. There’s no doubt that he’s very intelligent. Of course when you go to uni you’re an adult so the onus is on you to ask for additional support, which he chose not to do.

As far as I know he did well at uni until the third year when he really struggled with the dissertation and was told he was unlikely to pass, and the teachers recommended that he redo the third year, but he chose not to.

To be honest I didn’t think it was that important because lots of people drop out of uni (at least they did when I was there!)

I’m not sure where the idea that he’s schizophrenic has come from? I’m certain that he’s not.

Bugger I lost a post.

I mentioned schizophrenia because your description of him is typical of many first presentations of schizophrenia. Of course that doesn't mean that is what is happening with him. It is clear that he has suffered a decline in functioning over the past year or two though.

A medical reason (ASD, serious mental illness, learning disability) would be required for him to access sheltered accommodation or additional support, to share the burden of his care. (He won't qualify for a learning disability if he did well at a levels). I would still suggest a chat with a GP as they may want to run tests to rule out medical issues (low iron, brain tumour, anything else that could affect energy, motivation or cognitive function). They may also suggest counselling if it looks like low mood, low confidence or anxiety is impacting things. Obviously, this would need buy in from your DB, but if you could get your parents on board that sounds like it would be half the battle.

The alternative is that there are no issues apart from ADHD, and a simple reluctance to work. But that really doesn't sound like it accounts for the situation. And that may also be the situation least amenable to change, as no-one apart from you is motivated for it to change. If so, you may need to be quite assertive in your response about declining to be a live in carer.

Another argument you could use is what happens if you die first.
Depressing, but a possibility.

I just got a (min wage) job despite my shit cv caused by severe anxiety disorders, by being super honest about it. I’m quiet and come across as aloof at first. I said I thought a team could benefit from a mix of extroverts and introverts.

Of course when you go to uni you’re an adult so the onus is on you to ask for additional support, which he chose not to do.
Given that he sounds more autism than ADHD (though the 2 can happily go hand in hand) bear in mind that it's not always not choosing to ask for help but actually not realising you can ask or that you need to ask. I was only diagnosed a few years ago & so didn't have that diagnosis for school - if I had then maybe I'd have been able to ask for help when I needed it (and I did need it) or someone would have known to offer or ask if I was doing ok. What seems blindingly obvious to the neurotypical may not to the autistic (and vice versa), and asking for help is not easy, particularly when you don't realise it's available because no-one else seems to need it.
Something to bear in mind, just in case he is on the spectrum.

When initially read this I thought the OPs brother was struggling to get a job and after many disappointments her parents agreed to allow him to stop looking and live rent free at theirs.

That is why I advised not to worry about what happens when they die- it didn’t sound like a situation where he was in particular need of care.

OP what sort of support does he need? If he’s simply too “different” to get a job, there is no reason why he can’t live alone on benefits after your parents pass- many people do this.

If he needs some form of care or safeguarding then the situation may be different. However, you’re still under no obligation to take on his care.

Sibling dependence is very common sadly. My best friend will have to care for his sibling after this parents go. His sibling doesn’t need physical care but has LD and can’t live independently. If for whatever reason he can’t look after her she will have to move into some kind of supported living. Maybe she wouldn’t be as happy, but it’s not the end of the world.

If he can feed himself clothe himself wash himself and move around the house, look after his money to a low standard and isn’t vulnerable to exploitation or abuse im not sure what social services would have a role really.

he went to university? He managed that OK, so seems he can live and function perfectly OK

Uh oh.

DS semi-copes at university because he is so bright that his good days (about one in three) mostly compensate for the days when he is unable to do anything but huddle in a corner and shake (also about one in three).

I can't see many employers taking him on knowing that he'll only be doing the job properly two or three days of any given week.

He refuses to seek help when 'up' because he doesn't think he merits it; and won't seek help when 'down' because at that point he can't.

I'm pretty worried about what will happen in a couple of years and currently collecting websites on helping non-NT people into decent employment. A call centre would be actual torture, I suspect, as would a customer-facing role.