AIBU to think this is quite a lot to put on me

[StripySocks1]

Sorry, this might be a bit long!

I have one sibling who has ADHD, he’s extremely introverted and doesn’t like people to know his diagnosis. He is in his mid 20s and lives with my parents, he has never had a job.

After he left university he applied for jobs and got a couple of interviews but never got anywhere, I tried to convince him to tell potential employers about his diagnosis so they could make allowances for him but he would not budge. I love him to bits but to be honest if you don’t know that he’s got ADHD he comes across as a bit odd and aloof, but everyone who does know (just close friends and family) can see past it and love him, it just takes a while to get to know him.

After a couple of job rejections he decided, with the support of my parents, to give up job searching and now just stays at home doing his hobby all day.

Every time I try to speak to my parents about his future they shut me down, all I’ve managed to get from them is that they expect when they’re gone that he will come to live with me.

My AIBU is that with the right support and the right employer he absolutely could work and live independently, albeit with help - but I think it’s not fair to just let him ‘opt out’ and expect me to support him financially into old age, it’s unlikely my parents will leave us more than a couple of thousand pounds and I’m not a big earner and have a family of my own to provide for, plus what will happen if I’m not around to look after him? He would literally have nothing.

Agreed Op it’s not fair on you. I think you need to be frank with your parents about their expectations, you love your brother but this is not your responsibility.

What about paying him to garden, clean or dog walking - anything that involves some kind of work routine and regularity? If it's a bit close to home for you to employ him, would a friend do it? I'm desperate to find a gardener for my mum, for example. She herself wouldn't be a good option but someone might be.

I think you can afford to be the water dripping on stone here. I understand your parents won't discuss it, well just ASSUME that he wants to work and needs to be independent, and speak from that mindset. 'When db retires from work..' 'can't wait til you are earning and we can paint the town red on payday' 'it took me a few years to really get the tax system, it might be the same when you're working' etc etc.

He went to university? He's got a degree?

And he's not only utterly wasted the time gaining his degree, every moment he remains out of the workplace, his knowledge does not get updated and gets more and more obsolete.

Yes. He should get out there. Yes, he may need additional help. No, you were not born to be your brother's keeper.

If he got through uni, he should be able to negotiate life in general.

Someone needs to intervene and fast.

Apologies if this seem presumptuous, but your description brother sounds as if he has more going on than ADHD

www.autism.org.uk/about/strategy/2010-strategy/employment.aspx

Your description of your brother....

sounds more like ASD than adhd

But they aren't putting this on you. Your putting it on yourself.

Its your choice to treat him like a child for the rest of his life, you dont have to.

Ginger, it’s really not that simple.

That is not at all what the OP has said julie, you’re taking rubbish. The parents hege explicitly said it’s OPs responsibly to house and fund her brother after their deaths and they won’t be able to provide any money to help.

She is, quite rightly, saying it isn’t going to happen.

You need to tell your parents that, whatever they think, you will not be taking your brother in when they are no longer around. It won't be easy; my mum didn’t speak to me for about a month after I told her that I wouldn’t have my brother move in.

Could he work from home at all?

He's doing his hobby all day - can he get any money from it? Anything he could possibly sell or a service he could offer?

To all those wondering yes there is more to his diagnosis than just ADHD, the are other SEN too, he was diagnosed when he was at primary school and they took a long time to actually come to a conclusion about what it was, I believe it’s not a typical presentation but I was only a child then too so I don’t have all the details.

Gingernaut thanks for the link, I think I’ll contact them and see if there’s any support I can get to start the conversation.

To those saying tell my parents I won’t take him in, I can’t do that, I will take him in if I absolutely have to, but I want to avoid it because I don’t think it needs to get to that stage

I just cannot seem to get the conversation started with my parents, every time I bring it up they just stop me talking and say they don’t want to discuss it.

No discussion needed. You tell them you are not your brother's keeper, a phrase that goes back to the time of Adam and Eve, then do not engage in discussion, as you have stated your position! Maybe tell them he will be left to Social services and whatever they manage to sort out for him, remind them of Winterbourne View and their failings.

All very tough love, but you are getting nowhere with kindness.

My ds is approaching 18 and has asd, severe learning difficulties and is non verbal, my Dh and myself are currently look at what there is in terms of college placement and also day services for him when he finishes sixth form, the last thing we want him to do is to sit at home doing nothing.

Our son unfortunately will never be able to live independently he’s just too vulnerable, but he can most certainly have a good quality of life which he does now living at home with us.

One thing I feel very strongly is that his sister is too lead her own life and not to feel she is obligated to look after her brother when we’re gone, and of course she will always look out for him but ultimately it’s my Dh and myself’s responsibility to make sure that everything is in place for him when were no longer here.

Please have a frank discussion with your parents and tell them you have your own children now who are your responsibility just as your brother is their responsibility and he will not be living with you when they are gone so they need to think about what they can do to help him, does he have an adult services social worker ? If so they are really helpful as ours was on our first meeting.

I have a DS (15) with learning difficulties and ADHD. He's out of school at the moment and I am going to have to jump through hoops and walk through fire starting from next week to try to find him a permanent placement leading to longterm support facilitating some sort of sheltered but independent living arrangement. I have an utter terror of what will happen to him if his Dad and I cop it before we achieve that for him. He will not pass any qualifications as he has no interest in school and I can't imagine him ever getting a job at present.

This is our responsibility not his 3 siblings. I will fully expect them to assist in a crisis and make sure he's safe and healthy, getting support for him if not, but certainly not to take over my parenting role.

You need to have a serious discussion with your parents about this and tell them they need to work really hard to get him support for some sort of independence NOW. It may be a long slog but they are doing a disservice to him as well as you.

I'm not sure whether social services will get involved if he doesn't want them to

OP you are totally right. He is not reaching his full potential at home.

What is his hobby? Could this be a career?

Might this be a place to start reading up? www.gov.uk/government/publications/employing-disabled-people-and-people-with-health-conditions/employing-disabled-people-and-people-with-health-conditions

Or a charity directed connected to his condition? This doesn't sound like ADHD possibly ADD or ASD? Just check you have got the right diagnosis and then see if a charity could help start a conversation.

I'd also put it in writing to your parents. "I think you are doing DB a disservice by keeping him at home and not working. It is not helping him long term. I do understand why you are doing this and it may seem right but I think long term it is not right for him. I also need you to know I will not be able to look after DB long term, I have other commitments and responsibilities. So I want to check you understand the situation." Or words to that affect.

www.personneltoday.com/hr/employees-with-attention-deficit-disorder-practical-and-legal-tips/

www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/

Good luck.

There are a few issues in the OP. The easiest to tackle is the assumption you’ll take on his care when your parents die. You have no obligation to do this and need to tell them now so they can support your brother into some kind of independent living or supported living scheme.

I have a problem with people assuming that being able to complete a degree with a disability and having the intellectual capabilities to do so is anywhere near the same as being able to hold down a job. While for a large number, indeed the majority of disabled graduates, with minor adjustments they can work in meaningful jobs, there will be some who cannot and will not be able to make the kinds of commitments necessary to hold down a job even with adjustments being made... and that’s assuming there are employers willing to take them on in the first place. Universities are generally very flexible with their students and offer particularly useful adjustments to suppprt students while studying. This flexibility and support just doesn’t exist in the workplace to the same degree.

OP you say your brother won’t discuss his diagnosis with others, perhaps there are parts of his disability he is keeping from you? We always get fixed ideas of relatives capabilities (both positive and negative) assuming we have a deeper knowledge of their conditions/difficulties/capabilities than others but we can never truly know. There could be a degree of sibling rivalry at play where you grudge his extended parental support, despite neither needing nor wanting it for yourself. I certainly have seen this happen numerous times.

The issue of you becoming his carer is important to be sorted out ASAP but the rest, I hate to say is none of your business.

I remember a thread quite a while back about a woman with a degree and Sen/adhd was really struggling to hold a job down and some posters ripped her to shred.

This is different, however. I assume you know your brother and have the view that he definitely has the ability to work. I really understand your reluctance to tell your parents you won’t take your brother on once they are no longer able to care for him. I know everything you say is out of love. However, if you do not state this, there will be no impetus on them or him to address the current situation. Thus potentially making you part of the problem.

Have you tried the princes trust?

It can really help with confidence etc getting youngsters into work

Have a look

You need to be absolutely blunt about this. "No, I will not be having DB move in with us when you pass, so we need to sort out other arrangements now for how we are going to get him into work and living independently." Repeat as often as necessary. Don't make non committal noises about 'waiting and see', just 'no, that won't work for my family. What are you going to do to support him?'.

Be prepared that they are likely to give him all of any inheritance that may be available, but that's nothing compared to being stuck as the carer of someone who won't help themselves. You need to be absolutely firm on this.

This is very strange - are you sure the diagnosis is ADHD? I mean have you seen an assessment report? I wonder if your parents are avoiding discussing things because they know, or suspect, that there are other diagnoses that they think will upset your brother (this is likely to be far more based on their anxieties than reality).

With a solely ADHD diagnosis there won't be many services he can access. He might fare better with an ASD diagnosis, and it sounds like it might this may also be a possible issue for him.

But definitely you do not need to take on your brothers care. You say you wouldn't want to abandon him, but that needn't mean taking him into your home. That could mean visiting him in sheltered accommodation, or taking him out for a coffee every week. However you need to find out as much as you can about any previous assessments he's had, and about any that could help now (e.g. ASD services).

Maybe try talking to your parents more about his history in a general way - when they first noticed there might be difficulties, who they've seen, what are their hopes and fears for him. Understanding all that might make it easier to challenge some of their fears (why are they so frightened of pushing him? Is there a suicide attempt or bullying etc that they've kept from you?)

Good luck x x

Email or wrote to your parents so they have the cold facts. They are not enabling him to live the fullest life they can. You won’t take the slack because you can’t. He will need to go through social services for a proper assessment to find out what community based supported living he requires to live independently. The most important thing is that you don’t put him up even temporarily when they are gone so you force assessments. Or if he is capable of living independently he should use his 2k as a deposit and lives on his own off benefits.

Also there are things he can do to make a Slower entrance into the workplace he Could do voluntary work in his choice of career.

Tbh I think you’re worrying too much. Leaving uni can be a tough time and many people struggle to find their place in the world for a few years. It doesn’t mean he’ll live dependant on your parents for life- and why are you even thinking about what will happen when they die? He’s in his mid 20s, probably only out of uni a few years- maybe he just needs some time to mature and work it all out.
If he’s still like this at 30 then yes, he may have problems, but they’re his (and your parents) not yours.

Of course op is thinking about what happens long term. He needs support now for independent living not in 30 years time. Plus your assuming that the parents are young. They could be very elderly themselves. Plus their potential health issues also have to be considered because what happens if their health fails?

Getting assistance from adult as can be impossible because they are so stretched.

Have a look see if Remploy is available locally. They work with people who have additional needs gain employment by matching their skills to work.

www.remploy.co.uk/about