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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think regifted presents can actually be quite unkind?

111 replies

Blahblahblahzeeblah · 28/12/2017 18:53

MIL regifted me a present. I know it was regifted as I looked it up online and it was last sold in 2015. Giving precise details of the gift would likely be quite outing but it's something she knows I will never use.

I've almost surprised myself by feeling quite hurt by this. We have an ok relationship, not the best of friends but always pleasant to one another and I help her out when I can, make sure she sees the grandchildren often etc.

I feel like it's her way of saying she doesn't really care about me. It's not a money thing, I'd have been happy with a bar of my favourite chocolate as she knows I'd enjoy that and that would've shown some thought.

I buy all the family presents and I spend a lot of time over it, making sure everyone gets something they'd like. I know she would have liked her gift as she mentioned it specifically several times (doesn't do subtle hints!) so I made sure we got it sorted for her.

So is it sometimes mean to regift something when you know the receiver won't like and/or use it?

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU, in fact it might cheer me up a little!

OP posts:
meredintofpandiculation · 28/12/2017 19:57

I love choosing gifts that I think people will like, enjoy and appreciate .... but I've learnt over the years that I'm not actually much good at it. Fortunately I buy only for immediate family, and they know me well enough to know my intentions are good.

GingerbreadMa · 28/12/2017 20:00

but I've learnt over the years that I'm not actually much good at it.

Very few people ever realise that about themselves I've realised.
Everyone gets everybody else the perfect gift, and recieves what they percieve to be thoughtless ones..

spiney · 28/12/2017 20:00

Some people are really 'good' at presents. And some just aren't. We all know them. And I find they are often older folk. The whole perfect gifting juggernaut has come later to them. And they don't 'invest' so much into it.

Don't read so much into this gift. Like another poster said it's not a barometer of her feelings for you. If she didn't like you you'd already know. She's obvs rubbish at presents and that one just ticked a box on her list. Blah /done.

You seem like you're very 'good' at presents. So this particularly smarts. But I think you really have to breeze over it. Life is too short.

She's useless at presents. Straight to the charity shop. Move on.

Straight to the charity shop.

GingerbreadMa · 28/12/2017 20:04

Some people are really 'good' at presents. And some just aren't.
& the good gifters arent necessarily the better friends/family members/inlaws

bigtissue · 28/12/2017 20:05

Don't use more than minimum of effort when presentbuying for MIL in future. That's probably going to be hard for you but you can't make her care or be grateful, just go with the flow and concentrate on some who actually matters.

MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2017 20:10

The crap present givers may be just crap at presents, clueless or they may be toxic.
Ignore it and spend a lot less effort on them next year.

As regards the children, it is tough, especially if they only get a few things. You risk a fallout if you say something - I would though.

Original poster
Blahblahblahzeeblah · 28/12/2017 20:13

Thanks for all the replies. I think the idea to just forget about it is best.

OP posts:
kittymamma · 28/12/2017 20:17

I agree that it is best not to give it another thought and drop it at the charity shop. However, perhaps stop buying for your husband's family. Either he will do it or if you have children, encourage them to. I haven't bought the inlaws a gift since one of them re-gifted something I bought for them. Who re-gifts within the family...

1DAD2KIDS · 28/12/2017 20:18

I have always wondered if some gifts have been re gifted more than once?

eloisesparkle · 28/12/2017 20:21

Some people are just plain mean.
I hate meaness.

CurryWorst · 28/12/2017 20:21

So is it sometimes mean to regift something when you know the receiver won't like and/or use it?

So its nothing to do with regifting at all then? Giving someone a gift you know they will not like is the issue, not where you get it from.

BackforGood · 28/12/2017 20:24

EXACTLY GingerBreadMa
I see this so often on MN " I put so much thought into getting them the perfect gift " is something you read on here so often. Generally, I find that the 'specially sought' gifts are often the least useful and wanted, but are all about the giver, rather than the recipient. Not often acknowledged on here though.
Also agree that the 'perfectness' (or otherwise) of a present, in no way reflects the relationship you have with the person.

limitedperiodonly · 28/12/2017 20:27

I don't resent buying presents for people as much as I hate some people's whining disappointment at me not jumping through hoops.

OP, you appear to like spending time choosing that special present for each person by picking up on their signals. Some of us don't. Next time tell your MIL exactly what you want. If you don't get it next year I'll be the first to sympathise

MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2017 20:31

What types of presents are the regifted ones?

I can recall receiving a rather dreadful baby top and dungarees set for DC1 that looked like it might have been lying in a drawer since friend's DC1 was a baby, but she's lovely and would not have meant it in anything but kindness.
Would I regift something? Yes. If it was something I don't want and I know someone who'd love it (e.g. scented candle).

Ilikecheesycrackers · 28/12/2017 20:35

Limited, the OP has an Amazon wishlist.

And the MIL used wishlists for other family members, so does know how to use them.

OP, I too would feel a bit sad about this. Did you get any lovely gifts from other people?

MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2017 20:36

A friend would bring chocolates or wine when visiting. I took chocolates when I went round to hers and as I left she said I could take them with me as she didn't like chocolates. I apologised but although she had been quite been matter of fact about it, she hadn't been rude, and I explained that giving chocolates gave me the impression she liked them herself.

Your MIL gave you a shit present might mean that she would like a shit present herself. Give it back next year.

limitedperiodonly · 28/12/2017 20:36

It's a lot of pressure on those of us who are on the receiving end of presents from people who feel they have an intuitive insight into our needs and wants to give the required amount of gratitude when they get it wrong.

And some of us are not that demonstrative. Even when given my heart's desire at xmas I've just said thanks.

Actually I've never been given my heart's desire at xmas or birthdays but I have been given things or gestures at other times that mean more. I probably still failed to be suitably appreciative OP.

NamechangetoavoidMIL · 28/12/2017 20:37

Yanbu to feel hurt. A random thoughtless regift that doesn’t match recipient is not really on. I’m a bit Xmas Hmm this year - my MIL regifts and gave me something I gave her last year! At least I’m getting to know what she doesn’t like so can avoid same sort of things in future!

Probably best to let it go tbh. Would it actually change anything to bring it up?

Not intending to derail thread but would appreciate any non-regiftable presents ideas for future occasions. Calendars, food, personalised items, anything else?

poppy1973 · 28/12/2017 20:38

Well, I was regifted by my MIL a present that I gave her last Christmas. I was so surprised and shocked !!!

I would make sure that I didn't re-gift to the person who gave me the gift, or would have put in the cupboard for another year, if I didn't like it.

bunbunny · 28/12/2017 20:41

Could you/dh ask mil very nicely if it's possible to have the receipt to exchange it because it doesn't fit/you react badly to it/(sorry, haven't worked out what it is to know appropriate nice excuse that doesn't say I hate it!)/etc and that means that you know it will just sit in a cupboard but that you're glad that you have such a great relationship and you know that she would be mortified if she knew but that she was a practical sort and you know that she would much rather you say something to enable you to exchange it for something that you will use rather than putting it on a back shelf in the cupboard forever or sending to the charity shop and again with a how great it is that you get on so well that you can ask her...

She'll either have the receipt in which case - fall over in shock and hot foot it down to exchange it. Or she will have never had it 'lost' it so you're stuck with it but hopefully she will realise she has been busted and will feel a little embarrassed and won't try this again!!

kokosnuss · 28/12/2017 20:42

I think if it's in good condition and something you know the person would like, it's just a sensible thing to do - saves money and things ending up in the bin.

However I do have one relative who regifts for England and doesn't put any thought at all into relevance... when it comes time to open her gifts, we always have a bit of a giggle in my family as we anticipate how bizarre the choice will be this year...

meredintofpandiculation · 28/12/2017 20:45

The crap present givers may be just crap at presents, clueless or they may be toxic.
Ignore it and spend a lot less effort on them next year. or, alternatively, put as much effort as you want to but based on your feelings towards them as a person, and not your feelings about their gifts.

Or to put it another way, if someone I love and who I know loves me gives me a crap gift, next year I wouldn't give them a crap gift in return, I would want to give them a gift that reminded them I loved them.

reallyanotherone · 28/12/2017 20:47

I see this so often on MN " I put so much thought into getting them the perfect gift " is something you read on here so often. Generally, I find that the 'specially sought' gifts are often the least useful and wanted

Yep, my mother is one of those that puts a lot of thought into what i might “want”.

Like make up. Which i never wear. Ever. But she seems to think if she goes out and buys me some lovely, expensive, well thought out stuff, in colours that will suit me, I will somehow be inspired to start “making more of myself” and wearing it.

Clothes, she will buy me lovely pyjamas, which i never wear, i hate them. Lovely “smart”, or “going out” clothes. I don’t go out that much. Plus she is of the opinion i am a size 14, and buys me that size as it would “fit better” than my usual size 10.

Lovely stuff, and much thought has gone into it. But all completely useless and bought with the point of what i should like/wear/use, not what i actually do like.

MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2017 20:47

hear hear.

MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2017 20:52

hear hear, meredinto.
really, your mother's presents would seem quite nasty to some people, but you knew she meant well. That's so sweet