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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think regifted presents can actually be quite unkind?

111 replies

Blahblahblahzeeblah · 28/12/2017 18:53

MIL regifted me a present. I know it was regifted as I looked it up online and it was last sold in 2015. Giving precise details of the gift would likely be quite outing but it's something she knows I will never use.

I've almost surprised myself by feeling quite hurt by this. We have an ok relationship, not the best of friends but always pleasant to one another and I help her out when I can, make sure she sees the grandchildren often etc.

I feel like it's her way of saying she doesn't really care about me. It's not a money thing, I'd have been happy with a bar of my favourite chocolate as she knows I'd enjoy that and that would've shown some thought.

I buy all the family presents and I spend a lot of time over it, making sure everyone gets something they'd like. I know she would have liked her gift as she mentioned it specifically several times (doesn't do subtle hints!) so I made sure we got it sorted for her.

So is it sometimes mean to regift something when you know the receiver won't like and/or use it?

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU, in fact it might cheer me up a little!

OP posts:
genever · 28/12/2017 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2017 19:31

If a gift is something you like but looks regifted or from a charity shop (e.g unused toiletries set, pretty knick knack) accept it with grace. Maybe someone is having a lean year.

Some people are just rubbish at presents. I can't do Christmas shopping - I try to get things when I see them during the year and put them aside.

GingerbreadMa · 28/12/2017 19:33

People show their love in different ways
My best most loving friend is a shot gift giver
I get awesome gifts from an aunt who barely gives me the time of day in person
Why do people think that Christmas gifts are always a barometer of a relationship. Some people allocate one shopping trip to get ALL of their gifts bought, others enjoy spending months planning what to get for individuals. The latter isn't necessarily better friend/family/inlaw material than the former!
I've had years when all I could afford was multipacks opened up and given one each as something to wrap for people. I didn't love people any less that year than the year I was flush and had loads of free time to spend planning gifts!

CannotEvenThink · 28/12/2017 19:33

My MIL once gave me the present she had bought for her stepson's girlfriend when they broke up and she couldn't think what to get me. I didn't use it and have since given it to someone who wanted it. It is very thoughtless and I understand your feeling hurt.

Rudgie47 · 28/12/2017 19:35

Re gift her a house brick.
I'd wrap it up and put a one of those sticky bows on it.

Mummaofboys · 28/12/2017 19:35

MY MIL and FIL won a raffle prize over Christmas at work and then gave it to my husband as a Christmas gift, it’s mean and not in the spirt of Christmas and I think I the same applies to your gift.

yodabo · 28/12/2017 19:35

I dont mind a spot of regifting, however, i wish my friend would have removed the personal message that was contained in the gift addressed to her from the original giver!! Big part of me wants to ask her 'what the message meant as i didnt understand it' or just be really kind and smile and thank her, and not embarrass her ! :)

jinglebellsy · 28/12/2017 19:36

Last week my MIL showed me some chocolates she received as a gift which she said looked “minging” - xmas day I found them regifted to my parents. That was quite upsetting...

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2017 19:37

DH would definitely call her out on it if he did it to him. He wants to call her out on it now.

But he doesn't even bother to buy his own mums presents, so it'd look a bit weird if he got involved now.

Are you absolutely sure she knew you wouldn't use it?

Original poster
Blahblahblahzeeblah · 28/12/2017 19:39

MIL isn't in anyway hard up. If she hadn't wanted to spend money there are many things under £5 if have been delighted with.

It's from a large department store. I don't want to say what it is because she's an avid Daily Mail reader and I'm a wimp.

I don't believe the department store sells on to places like TK Maxx. Never seen anything from them in there.

Mil is probably a bit snobby and wouldn't shop in TK Maxx or a charity shop etc.

The regifting is a red herring. It is the fact she's given me it knowing I won't like it and will never use it that's upset me.

I think it will go to a charity shop. DH wants to gift it back to her but as I said, I'm a wimp.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 28/12/2017 19:39

I can understand why you feel hurt - it’s like she doesn’t care. I used to spend loads of time and money trying to buy thoughtful gifts for hubby’s family and I also felt hurt when in return I would get things I quite clearly I would never use or were 4 sizes too small. This year was the first year all our families had children so I suggested we just buy just for kids and I loved it - no more pretending to thank people for their presents when inside I felt quite hurt.

Original poster
Blahblahblahzeeblah · 28/12/2017 19:41

But he doesn't even bother to buy his own mums presents, so it'd look a bit weird if he got involved now.

The issue here isn't really who buys her gifts. I'm happy to do it.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/12/2017 19:42

Yes, but it would look a bit weird if your DH suddenly got involved at this point, wouldn't it?

I'd just let it go if I were you. Hopefully she meant no malice.

Capelin · 28/12/2017 19:43

Try not to take it personally. You say that it seems like a way of saying she doesn’t care about you, but you also say that she’s never very good at buying presents for anyone. So I don’t think it means anything about your relationship.

SciFiFan2015 · 28/12/2017 19:44

Do you have any friends who would enjoy your gift? Could you find any pleasure in giving it to that person?

reallyanotherone · 28/12/2017 19:45

You can’t say for sure it’s regifted. The issue is, as pp have said, that it’s something unsuitable.

I quite often “stock up” on presents if i see something nice, or good value in a sale. Quite often i’ll hang on to something for quite a while before i find someone who I think will like it.

feska5 · 28/12/2017 19:45

I think it’s thoughtless. I love choosing gifts I think people will like,enjoy and appreciate. Ask her for the receipt in order to return it. Say it’s a duplicated gift . That should make her sweat a bit. 🙂

illuminousopptomist · 28/12/2017 19:46

My MIL used to give me her old scarves which still had her perfume on them. I just started returning the favour and started to give her mine and she soon stopped! Grin I mirrored any shit presents and she now thinks before giving me presents!

Original poster
Blahblahblahzeeblah · 28/12/2017 19:48

Not really Worral. We buy gifts as a family for people we care about. I doubt anyone knows (or is bothered by) who does the physical shopping. Not really sure what point you're trying to make...

I don't think I know anyone who would appreciate the gift. A charity shop is really the best place for it so someone who likes it can get it at a bargain price.

I think I'll put it to the back of my mind and maybe not make such an effort for her in the future.

OP posts:
stilltheykeepcoming · 28/12/2017 19:50

What is it - a teapot from John Lewis and you don't drink tea?!

BackforGood · 28/12/2017 19:50

Agree with everyone else who has said this isn't about regifting.
That is a separate thing from your perception that she has knowingly given you something you don't want / won't use. I doubt very much she has done that, I'd put money on her not really having a clue what to get you, or thinking that you would like what it is she got you.

The fact that you like spending hours shopping and "putting a lot of thought into choosing gifts" doesn't mean everyone wants to do that. Buying 20+ gifts for people is a real chore for some of us people. If people don't give you a list, then you are bound to get it wrong sometimes.
However, I do think digging around on the internet to deduce that she must have bought it a while ago is a really odd thing to do. How very bizarre. I mean, if you don't like it / don't want it, then either regift it yourself, or give it to some sort of charity shop or charitable collection or a request for raffle / tombola prizes or whatever. Looking it up online is really strange behaviour.

Maelstrop · 28/12/2017 19:51

If he’s happy to give it back to her or tackle her about it, then let him, good for him! Far too many people wuss out and say ridiculous platitudes eg ‘It’s the thought that counts’. Yeah, so put up with shite for the next however many years. Super. Maybe say no adult gifts next year. Is she generous with the dgc?

abilockhart · 28/12/2017 19:51

I help her out when I can, make sure she sees the grandchildren often etc.

I know she would have liked her gift as she mentioned it specifically several times (doesn't do subtle hints!) so I made sure we got it sorted for her.

I think you have every right to feel hurt. She made sure that you got her what she wanted but she gave little or no thought to you.

She sounds quite self-centred and entitled.

Original poster
Blahblahblahzeeblah · 28/12/2017 19:54

The online digging happened because I was seeing if it was still for sale so I could return it. Took all of 2 minutes to work out.

Slight drip feed but she has access to my Amazon wishlist which she usually uses as I know she doesn't much like shopping. She used the wish lists for DH and the children. The wishlist has several things on for under £10 Or £20.

OP posts:
LemonSqueezy0 · 28/12/2017 19:54

I agree with PP, it's more the inappropriateness of it, than it's a regift, that world upset me. My Sil and BIL get my DSS a nerf gun every single Christmas - they're brand new, and increasing more intricate but he doesn't like nerf guns. It's very passive aggressive, as we all chat about what the DC want, including with the DC and he's got loads of hobbies and interests which he's very articulate about, and we've mentioned that he doesn't get the opportunity to use the nerf guns really etc but the saddest part is his little face when he opens it. He always says thank you, and gives them a hug but I guess it feels like a wasted gift for the last 3 years, which is a large percentage of a child life! So, I do get how you feel. It's not grabby, just sad.

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