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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my in laws are a bit cruel?

101 replies

cheeseobvs · 28/12/2017 15:30

This week all my ds (4) has been saying is how he wants to go to Nanny’s wants to sleep at Nanny’s, packing his toys and special cup in his bag and waiting around the front door to go, he’s never slept their before but all of a sudden is desperate to.

Myself and DH have both said to his mum about how he’s non stop going about staying at Nanny’s etc, today he started again. MIL text DH asking if he would sleep in a bed on his own, he said yes, she said ok we’ll be round in 10 mins.

Now they got here, I mentioned about how I can’t believe he’s non stop nanny this nanny that, and MIL and FIL both completely blank what I say, sit here for half an hour have a cup of tea and nothing is mentioned about DS staying over? They have left and he’s in bits, I would of asked them what’s going on but DH is the type that won’t say anything to his mothers face. They are always going on about how they want to have him sleepover and they are going to decorate the spare bedroom for him.

I feel gutted for my little boy! I was so close to my Nan and always loved the idea of my ds having the same relationship I had with mine :(.

OP posts:
Deemail · 28/12/2017 18:09

You're been daft, you should've discussed this with them properly and found out if they were actually willing to have your ds for a sleepover.
The way you've gone about it is quiet childish, telling them what your ds has been saying, saying how excited he is about a sleep over that hasn't even been arranged.
Your ds is 4, just because he decides something is going to happen doesn't mean it must.

WillowWitch · 28/12/2017 18:13

You want them to suggest it, they want you to suggest it and now they are being labelled as cruel?

You and DH are the parents, it's up to you to manage these things, stop with the hinting and the beating about the bush. Say what's on your mind as this is the kind of stuff that eventually causes huge rifts in families.

diddl · 28/12/2017 18:19

" they say things about having him over and doing a room up but they never ask and don’t seem that interested, "

They've let you know that it is something that they would like to do-surely it's up to you to take them up on it or not?

You'd probably be pissed off if they constantly asked!

Rightsaidmabel · 28/12/2017 18:21

How about stating the situation:
DS seems keen to sleep at yours.How do you feel about that ?
Would you like to have him stay ? Good idea ? Fun for all of you ?Not right now ?
We're raising this because he's so taken with the idea.We DON'T want to impose on you.
Tell us what you'd like and we'll take it from there.
Or whatever.But SPEAK to them !

thegrinchreaper · 28/12/2017 18:41

Ah bloody hell, what a farce! I hope the sleepover materialises, and MIL doesn't conjure up another 'headache'.

SoupDragon · 28/12/2017 18:58

as she didn’t mention it when she came I assumed she didn’t want to

Equally, you didn't mention it when she came so she probably assumed you didn't want her to have him.

Jux · 28/12/2017 19:25

They don’t ask because they don’t want to be pushy.
You don’t ask because you don’t want to be pushy.

Nothing will ever happen if you carry on like that.

“How do you feel about ds atying the night at yours sometime.”
“It would be lovely. We’d love to have him.”
“Great. He’s really keen. When would be good for you?”

Easy.

rainbowstardrops · 29/12/2017 10:01

Why did they rush round ten minutes later if they didn’t want him to sleepover???
All seems quite strange to me Confused

howrudeforme · 29/12/2017 17:56

Families are odd. Df dotes on ds but when I mentioned ds would love to sleep over (df wife and other daughter away), he was adamant NO because he has dog and df deaf and he couldn’t cope with responsibility. I was ‘ouch’ but at least he set his boundaries.

RhiannonOHara · 29/12/2017 17:57

she said she couldn’t have him tonight because she’s got headache.

That being the case, she could have phoned you/DH before they came over so that a) you knew and b) you could let DS down gently.

Sounds like they're playing games.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 29/12/2017 18:04

I'm surprised your ds didn't ask Nanny when she came over, especially as he keeps banging on about it!
Does she speak to him or give him attention? Most 4 year olds would just come out and ask if they were close to their nan? Confused

My ds had a best friend when he was about 4yrs who was desperate to sleep over at ours. I did arrange a sleepover and his poor friend got really upset at bedtime, cried and wanted his mum. I couldn't console him and had to call his mum to collect him. Sad

4 is very young still for a sleepover, particularly as he's not done anything like that with his nan before.

I'm also wondering if he's heard talk of the PILS doing up a special room for him and might be expecting something amazing. Grin

ZipItZebedee · 29/12/2017 18:04

OP, it all sounds a bit daft but the most important thing is that it's now sorted. In future you will know to be a bit clearer about what everybody wants.

BTW I LOVED your 'piss off pls hun' response to the earlier snarky posters. It was a brilliant reply and made me lol 😁⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

TheMathsTrainee · 29/12/2017 18:06

Seriously. Is this how adults are expected to communicate with each other....by mind reading?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 29/12/2017 18:24

Why would he suddenly have the idea? Sounds like it was planted by someone.

Why did you just not tell him he lives in this house and this is his bedroom and nannys house is where nanny sleeps. It's not hard.

saladdays66 · 29/12/2017 18:27

But you need to communicate. It’s not cheeky to ask anything. People are free to say yes or no.

‘Mil, could Bobby come to you for a sleepover? He’d love to!’
Yes - thank you, when suits you?
No - that’s fine. Then tell Bobby that he’s too little for sleepovers or something.

Manage his expectations. ‘You can’t go to Nanny’s now! It’s bedtime.’

GwenStaceyRocks · 29/12/2017 18:30

You've handled it badly tbh. Adults shouldn't feel they have to suddenly host a sleepover because a 4-yr-old gets an idea in their head. It's not a child's decision. The adults should have discussed whether it was suitable or appropriate, without framing it that a 4-yr-old desperately wanted it to happen - that's too close to emotional blackmail.
So, no I don't think they were cruel.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 29/12/2017 18:38

I agree with Gwen. Don't encourage his ideas or tell him it'll happen until it's all been discussed and arrangements made.

It may be that his grandparents think it'll be too tiring and full on for them? 4 year olds are hard work; they get up in the night, might wet the bed (?) wake up early raring to go, have short attention spans, picky about food and are just pretty full on!

Perhaps they're worried about him with their animals? Is it dogs? Some dogs aren't ok with toddlers moving in for a night.

I suspect they're being too polite to explain their reasons. I very much doubt their reason is to be "cruel". Hmm

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 29/12/2017 18:43

Learn to open your mouth, fgs Hmm. What is wrong with your DH that he can't "say anything to his mother's face"???
You both sound like toddlers.

StaplesCorner · 29/12/2017 18:46

This is ridiculous OP - what's the point of posting here if you "can't" (or rather you won't) ask them - are you and DH like this with other people? How do you get by on a daily basis?!

FittonTower · 29/12/2017 18:49

This is very strange, if your son wants to go to his nanas for a sleep over you need to actually arrange that, not drop hints and say nothing directly.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 29/12/2017 18:58

Really odd. Did your ds not say anything to the ILs himself since he was so keen? Maybe the ILs got there and saw he wasn't that bothered and felt that your comments about him being really keen were more about you needing a sitter?
Either that or it wasn't clear that they were having him tonight.
I would tell your ds he needs to ask his gps or wait to be invited rather than hint dropping.

proudbrows · 29/12/2017 23:13

So did he go today OP?

Ohwhatfun · 29/12/2017 23:20

OP I get it, some families don’t communicate well (mine included) x

Abbylee · 29/12/2017 23:26

I'm confused. I would say the same to my mil (the cruelest woman on earth) bc things must be her idea. If i even hint that i would like something, she's suspicious of my motives. She's always known how to inflict the deepest cut with the smallest sword. My mil has little interest in the the grandchildren except as they make her look/feel. So she's babysat my dc 2xs. Both times were maybe an hour and we arrived to find dc crying and noses in window.
Knowing her, i would have cautioned ds that mil was busy/sick/out so "Maybe a short visit with her and a nice long one with my dm and a visit to zoo/animal place would be MUCH more fun!"

I successfully hid mil's horridness many years until they were old enough to handle the truth that not all adults are kind. That is our job as parents; to suggest alternatives if we know that certain paths lead to pain.

Don't be so mean to OP please.

Isetan · 30/12/2017 00:14

The only person who was clear about their intentions is a four year old, you could have and should have said something to them but you chose to hide behind your own communication anxiety. Funny how you’re aware enough to point out the failings of your PIL and DH but are oblivious to your own.

In the future, don’t let your son fall between the inadequate communication of the adults around him, you are his Mum and are as much as an advocate as his Dad should be.

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