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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a CF Xmas present?

81 replies

Quiettiger · 27/12/2017 19:03

I'm not quite sure how to deal with this, but I'm sure the vipers of MN can advise (and help). In the grand scheme of things, it's a first world problem, but anyway...

About 6 years ago, I was heavily railroaded into loaning a old book to DH's cousin (A) by DMIL. It had sentimental value as it belonged to my own DM as a child, it is at least 60 years old and I was very clear that I wanted it looked after and I wanted it back. I never as a rule lend books, but I was backed into a corner at the time. Anyway...

After about 6 months I asked for the book back and was told it had "been lost". I wasn't very happy about it, but had to let it go as I'd loaned the book and that's the risk you take. "A" showed no remorse, nor gave an apology for losing it and when I commented on it to DMIL and told her how upset I was that the book had been lost, she told me basically it was "tough shit" and that I'd been stupid to loan it in the first place. Hmm DH was very angry about it on my behalf. We duly moved on and I harboured a major grudge I dealt with it in an adult way.

So fast forward a few years and I have my own DD. I'm still upset about the book because I valued it myself as a child and I would have liked to pass it on to my own DD. I ask DH's cousin if there is any chance she may still have the book despite it being lost and she says no, as she charity shopped a pile of old books and that it was probably in the job lot. Still no apology.

On Christmas eve, "A" turns up out of the blue to say "Happy Christmas" with a gift for DD. I'm a bit Hmm about this as DH hasn't heard from her for about 18 months, let alone ever had Xmas cards or gifts from her before, but in the spirit of Xmas I'm polite.

DD opens her gift, and it's only the bloody book that had been lost! I wasn't impressed, but thanked her for her "gift" and remained polite. I wanted to punch her in the face but I am irrationally angry at her giving my book to 3 year old DD with out giving it back to me or acknowledging she's had it for 6 years.

I know IBU about being angry, because I have the book back at least. Some of the anger is probably because there is bad blood between "A" and I because of other very extensive back story relating to DH and his family, so I may not be looking at this particularly rationally...

But I think "A" was being a complete CF giving a gift like that to DD instead of just giving me the book back and apologising. DH thinks she was trying to "be nice" and give DD a gift for Xmas.

AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 19:05

she sounds totally irrational

messofajess · 27/12/2017 19:05

I have no advice but just wanted to say congratulations on having the self reserve to not stab her

Pringlemunchers · 27/12/2017 19:06

You could spend time and energy being annoyed. Or don't waste any emotion on it , at all. Yes she is a cf, but your daughter got the book that you wanted her have and she once again showed her true colours.

Pru24 · 27/12/2017 19:07

I would of felt exactly the same!! Its a down right pisstake!! Put the book up high somewhere out of reach & just get down when your dc requests. You were very lucky to get it back but its yours so like you said, just dont lend stuff out lol

LaContessaDiPlump · 27/12/2017 19:09

I don't think I could have restrained myself from saying "You finally found It! Hurray!!!" tbh Grin

KarmaStar · 27/12/2017 19:10

You are absolutely entitled to being furious OP and you are not bu.
Cannot believe her cheek.lying all these years when she had it all the time.
Unbelievable

CurryWorst · 27/12/2017 19:10

Meh. You got the book back , forget about the rest of the shit.

ShakeShakeTheMuffin · 27/12/2017 19:10

Definitely a CF present. YANBU to be angry at her.

Firstly I can't believe she didn't ever apologise for losing the book. I'd have been mortified if I'd lost someone's treasured possession.

Also on finding it she really should have returned it to you immediately rather than passing it off as a gift.

On balance though I'd be grateful I had the book back and not bother with her again.

AdalindSchade · 27/12/2017 19:12

Wow what an absolute dickhead she is!

pawsies · 27/12/2017 19:14

I watched a cheapskate programme recently where the sister would steal things from her family and then at Xmas they'd magically get them all back as gifts 😂

Sounds familiar. At least you got it back though that's the important thing.

Knittedfairies · 27/12/2017 19:14

I'm pleased you got your much-loved book back, and it is yours and not your daughter's; it was never A's to gift.

Situp · 27/12/2017 19:15

So she borrowed an antique from you, claimed to have lost it and then gave it directly to your 3 year old daughter?Hmm

Totally CF.

I have some ancient childrens books which belonged to my mother and grandmother and am very careful about supervising my kids when they look at them as they are so delicate. By giving it directly to your very young DD you are now going to have to take it away from her if you feel it needs to be looked after which will make you the bad guy.

I would be fuming. YADNBU

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 27/12/2017 19:18

I'm with messofjess well done for not inflicting bodily harm!

Tistheseason17 · 27/12/2017 19:18

I'd take book off DD - she won't remember at 3yo. Then gift it to her as you intended when you are ready

Like PP said, she's lucky you didn't stab her! Grin

Si1ver · 27/12/2017 19:21

What the actual ACTUAL fuck is A on? This is appalling behaviour.

Not only are you justified in being angry, bit actually setting her on fire would also be rational and fine.

greathat · 27/12/2017 19:26

I hope you are going to contact and say something along the lines of "better late than never. Wondering whether you are bringing round my child a real gift... working out how many thankyou cards I need to do. Manners are everything you know!"

WineIsTheAnswer · 27/12/2017 19:26

I would guess she's trying to take the heat out of finally returning the lost book and putting a positive spin on things.

The alternative is that she found the book, felt embarrassed about the length of time and decided the book was best kept "lost".
I think she was trying to make the best out of a sticky situation (for herself). It's not a very mature way for her to deal with it but at least you got the book back.

deadringer · 27/12/2017 19:29

She sounds nuts but I would be very happy to have it back tbh.

Glumglowworm · 27/12/2017 19:29

YANBU

Never ever give or lend her anything again. Or MIL if she can’t see that A has done anything wrong.

But on the good side, you got your mums book back

Cleanermaidcook · 27/12/2017 19:29

I'd have said "oh you found my book that you lost years ago" and tell Dr in front of A "this is mummy book that A lost a long time ago"
Dd provably won't remember as she's only 3 so maybe put it in a safe place till you can give it to her properly when she's a bit older.
Glad you got it back though, I don't lend books either after shitty exfriend lost my first edition Harry Potter

Makingahome · 27/12/2017 19:31

Yanbu. Hideous she never apologised.

Mrsmadevans · 27/12/2017 19:32

I would be furious .I would be more furious with my DH for defending the Biatch cousin though . Honestly OP my blood is boiling for you my dear! Don't ppl realise the sentimental value of these precious things!

Gemini69 · 27/12/2017 19:33

I would THANK her to her Face for returning your book... whilst DHMIL is there too Xmas Hmm

Weezol · 27/12/2017 19:35

Delighted you got the book back. Impressed that she was not ejected from the house at speed sustaining minor cuts and grazes. Congratulate yourself on both of these things and then avoid her wherever possible.

BlueThesaurusRex · 27/12/2017 19:36

Passive aggressive thank you letter from DD... something along the lines of

My mummy thought you’d lost this book forever and was so pleased to have it back in our house! She’s going to look after it for me for a while so I don’t accidentally break it or lose it Grin