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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a CF Xmas present?

81 replies

Quiettiger · 27/12/2017 19:03

I'm not quite sure how to deal with this, but I'm sure the vipers of MN can advise (and help). In the grand scheme of things, it's a first world problem, but anyway...

About 6 years ago, I was heavily railroaded into loaning a old book to DH's cousin (A) by DMIL. It had sentimental value as it belonged to my own DM as a child, it is at least 60 years old and I was very clear that I wanted it looked after and I wanted it back. I never as a rule lend books, but I was backed into a corner at the time. Anyway...

After about 6 months I asked for the book back and was told it had "been lost". I wasn't very happy about it, but had to let it go as I'd loaned the book and that's the risk you take. "A" showed no remorse, nor gave an apology for losing it and when I commented on it to DMIL and told her how upset I was that the book had been lost, she told me basically it was "tough shit" and that I'd been stupid to loan it in the first place. Hmm DH was very angry about it on my behalf. We duly moved on and I harboured a major grudge I dealt with it in an adult way.

So fast forward a few years and I have my own DD. I'm still upset about the book because I valued it myself as a child and I would have liked to pass it on to my own DD. I ask DH's cousin if there is any chance she may still have the book despite it being lost and she says no, as she charity shopped a pile of old books and that it was probably in the job lot. Still no apology.

On Christmas eve, "A" turns up out of the blue to say "Happy Christmas" with a gift for DD. I'm a bit Hmm about this as DH hasn't heard from her for about 18 months, let alone ever had Xmas cards or gifts from her before, but in the spirit of Xmas I'm polite.

DD opens her gift, and it's only the bloody book that had been lost! I wasn't impressed, but thanked her for her "gift" and remained polite. I wanted to punch her in the face but I am irrationally angry at her giving my book to 3 year old DD with out giving it back to me or acknowledging she's had it for 6 years.

I know IBU about being angry, because I have the book back at least. Some of the anger is probably because there is bad blood between "A" and I because of other very extensive back story relating to DH and his family, so I may not be looking at this particularly rationally...

But I think "A" was being a complete CF giving a gift like that to DD instead of just giving me the book back and apologising. DH thinks she was trying to "be nice" and give DD a gift for Xmas.

AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 27/12/2017 19:36

What a cow Shock

I would be completely NC and rebuff any future attempts at contact.

I’m glad you’ve got your book back Thanks

Cantuccit · 27/12/2017 19:36

The good news is your dd won't remember that 'A' gave 'gave' her the book.

I would put the book away, dd may not even realise.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/12/2017 19:50

I never lend books anymore, to anyone - I have 1000s. I learned through bitter experience that very few people look after them, or give them back at all. So now I don't lend them at all.

SapphireSeptember · 27/12/2017 19:50

Cleanermaidcook Someone lost your first edition Harry Potter book? Shock That actually made my heart hurt a little. What an asshole!

OP, I'm glad you finally got your book back. I'd write a very sarcastic and pointed thank you note.

MyOtherProfile · 27/12/2017 19:53

Yes definitely Blue's PA thank you letter! Grin

NewPapaGuinea · 27/12/2017 19:53

For a start it wasn't hers to "gift"

pilates · 27/12/2017 19:55

She sounds a bit bonkers but at least you have the book back. Don’t lend her anything ever again.

Silverthorn · 27/12/2017 19:56

I doubt cleanercookmaid's first ed Hp book was lost. More likely sold. But I'm suspicious.
How did Mil railroad you into lending it? Just being nosy.

kitkatsky · 27/12/2017 19:57

FWIW your 3yo won’t remember who gave it to her so I suggest you just take all credit and try to bury old feelings

ShiftyMcGifty · 27/12/2017 20:02

I would take something from MILs house and “lose” it then rewrap it as one of her presents next Christmas. Since she railroaded you into loaning the book in the first place and didn’t help you to retrieve it.

I hope you don’t actually exchange gifts with the cousin. If you did, I’d put in a leaflet for her local library in a money card for her next xmas.

MikeUniformMike · 27/12/2017 20:03

You've seen exactly what a CF A is, and your DD got the book. I'd say that was a result.
Neither a lender nor a borrower be.

Original poster
Quiettiger · 27/12/2017 20:07

Thank you all for reinforcing me not being irrational! Grin She is very lucky she escaped with her life, let alone minus cuts, bruises and a knife in the chest. I can be a tad possessive and territorial over books-

To be fair to DH, he was a bit Shock at the cheeky fuckery, but likes to see the best in people and was trying to be charitable because she's his cousin.

As a rule we're fairly NC because this is not the first time she's been an arse. Her most spectacular moments were when she informed me in front of the rest of the family that I was clearly a gold digger because DH & I got engaged after only 6 months of dating and married 3 months after that, and throwing herself in front of DH onto DMIL's coffin as it came out of the hearse at MIL's funeral last year. I could go on - she's a raving nutter. Suffice to say, she probably thinks equally well of me. Grin

DD was relieved of the book fairly promptly and it is now safe. Paw Patrol figures are and excellent distraction away from ancient books. I'm glad there are other people equally precious about books.

Cleanermaidcook - You have amazing restraint. I think I would have slaughtered the culprit in a frenzy of blood for doing that! I thought mine was bad!

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiettiger · 27/12/2017 20:12

Silverthorn - MIL was always very generous and charitable - to a fault. She was a lovely lady, but had no sense of "territorial possession" unlike me who is a tad OTT about possession of books and would give anyone the shirt off her back to be nice and helpful. People would and did take advantage.

She offered the book to "A" because "A" saw it and wanted it for her then 7 year old DD and it didn't occur to DMIL that I might not want to lend it. It was done in front of about 8 family members who I didn't know very well and I didn't have the guts or balls to say no.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 27/12/2017 20:14

You were very lucky to get it back.
I would have words with MIL.

SkyIsTooHigh · 27/12/2017 20:19

I'm impressed at your restraint, and it's one of those situations where saying anything will only make it worse.

You know to trust your judgement next time and you've got your book back, so it's all good. She, OTOH, is a CF of the highest order.

BerylStreep · 27/12/2017 20:24

I must say I think YABVVVU.

A has clearly been distraught about losing the book, and has obviously been scouring all second hand bookshops and e-bay trying to locate your lost book in the intervening 6 years. Imagine her elation at finally tracking down your long lost book, only to be greeted by stony faced OP with not a word of thanks.

NewPapaGuinea · 27/12/2017 20:28

Beryl, are you "A"?

ATeardropExplodes · 27/12/2017 20:29

I would have words with MIL.

Don't think that is going to help matters now is it?

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/12/2017 20:29

I must say I think YABVVVU

Why? On the basis of the complete fairy story you've invented with zero evidence at all?!

LadyB49 · 27/12/2017 20:33

What does C.F. mean. ?

lborgia · 27/12/2017 20:39

I have to assume that Beryl is being facetious..

Re Harry Potter - they sold it, surely?

OP, what a relief to have it back, safely out of sight, and how lovely you can give it to your child at some point. Unnerved by the talk of stabbing CF, do NOT want to get blood on the book.

pictish · 27/12/2017 20:49

I'd just have been delighted to see the book. I would have expressed my happiness and said, "Oh I'm so glad you found my book again!"

The important thing is that the book is back where it belongs.

BerylStreep · 27/12/2017 20:50

I clearly needed to put a Wink at the end of my post.

Of course I don't think A has been scouring bookshops and eBay.

Wink Biscuit

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/12/2017 20:54

Now if you'd said proper antiquarian bookshops...

Grin
Wdigin2this · 27/12/2017 21:06

Well, glad you got the book back, and I understand your anger, but she sounds like a nut job, so prob best you put it behind you.....then avoid further contact with her!

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