A month to arrange a funeral...?

[juls1888]

DH's DGM died on 19 December (elderly with a terminal illness so no post mortem etc.). The funeral directors advised on 20 December that they couldn't meet DGF until today due to the Christmas holidays (understandable). They have now advised that the funeral can't be held until 19 January! The issue we have is that they are in Portsmouth and we are in Glasgow so totally don't know if that is the norm for that area or if this funeral director is unusually slow/busy/whatever. I feel it is heartbreaking for his poor DGF to be hanging about for a month with no closure or able to move on the start dealing with his grief. Is there anyone in Portsmouth or surrounding areas able to advise if this is normal or not?

3 1/2 weeks in East Anglia last year. The wait was hellish. Felt like nothing could happen until after it was over.

I know the culture is for a quick turn around, but there doesn't seem to be a sound practical reason to carry out to the exclusion of immediate family.

But in Ireland the body will be in someone's home and the wake will be ongoing. People will be sitting next to the body, sometimes day and night. Close family will not be at work or school etc, everything is on hold. There's no way that it's possible to do that for a week or a fortnight or a month.

And also in Ireland it's accepted that if people want to attend the funeral they will be there no matter what. My granda died on a Friday afternoon, without prior warning, and was buried on Sunday at lunchtime and my uncle was there despite living in America.

I work in a Crematorium and it tends to be funeral directors not wanting particular slots as they don't fit in with other funerals.

We've had 4 services today and our max is 8

3 weeks for my son. Although knew a person who died on the 21st and he was buried yesterday

My FIL passed away two years ago, and the whole process was so long winded. It took 4 days to get an appointment with the hospital bereavement office to get the death certificate issued, then a weeks further wait to get the death registered and then booking a crematorium slot. I think it was around 20 - 22 days in the end before we were able to have the funeral, and it was too long. DH found it really distressing.

Sorry for your loss. I lost DM on 21st December 2 years ago. The funeral was on 14th January. Unfortunately the bank holidays add time to arrange everything.

Not unusual. My DG died on 19 Dec c. We buried her on 12 Jan.

My dad died on 15th Dec op (this year) and the funeral is arranged for 9th Jan. We registered his death on the Thursday before Christmas and were strongly advised to contact a Funeral Director and book the Crem that day because after Christmas, with the backlog, the wait would shoot straight to the end of Jan.

OP, sorry for your family's loss.

My mother died on 20 December 13 years ago and we couldn't have the funeral till the first week in January due to holiday closures. It seemed so long to wait. My father died six months later and it was around a week until the funeral; both were church services followed by cremation and burial in the churchyard.

I remember going straight from my father's bedside to the registrar in the village as it was on the way home, same with my mother. Even in Aberdeen, I didn't need to make an appointment with the registrar to register my aunt's death the previous year; the registrar even took the time to take me through the old books and show me the entry for her birth in 1918, signed by my grandfather. I was on first name terms with the undertaker though after three funerals in 18 months.

I'm now in the Central Belt but it still seems to be about 7-10 days here. It must be terribly hard to wait so much longer.

DGM died mid December but her remains weren't buried until the end of January. We managed to get a slot in the church for the funeral service just before Christmas though.

I get really freaked out by the idea of the body being around all that time, it really upsets me. I would be much more comfortable with the Islamic tradition of immediate burial.

My Dad died on 14th December, and we will be having his funeral and cremation service (one in church then on to the crematorium) on 4th January. Mum didn't want to 'rush' to get the funeral in before Christmas, plus there are children from my Dad's first marriage who will be travelling some distance to attend, and then the Bank holidays slow things up as well, along with as pps have said this is sadly a busy time of year.

for you on your loss x

In Northern Ireland it's 2 days 3 max for the funeral.

I agree with the above that the Irish approach to death is different. The body is often waked in the house, families are off work, the general culture is to have a quick burial. And from what I know funerals are also bigger here, as in numbers wise - it's not just family who attend but friends, co workers, people who know the bereaved.

The last funeral in my family took six days from death to burial, and that was a very long wait to me. I'd have been very unhappy at being asked to wait weeks as Urgent suggested.

Personally, I disagree that sooner is necessarily better. I think cultural expectations need to be taken into account, and in the UK, people channel their grief through very personalised funerals. Favourite flowers, favourite hymns, orders of service, readings from multiple family members. (Not saying that's wrong- that's the route my family went down!) But the thing is, none of that can be organised in under three days if it was an unanticipated death.

That's really not true in my experience in Ireland. I can think of a few wonderfully personal funerals I attended for people who died very unexpectedly, which would have been held a couple of days after death. It isn't that difficult to put it all together quickly.

It's all in your upbringing - the long UK wait isn't something I would like to do, myself. I don't think that much time is needed to plan a funeral, but that's just because it's not in my culture. Different strokes for different folks, but I prefer the Irish way.

Pretty sure it was 2 1/2 weeks in Portsmouth for BIL, but that was 11 1/2 years ago now, so not sure it is the same now.

Maybe google undertakers and ring round and see what they say? That might give your a better idea, then you could help DGF out with recommendations.

genever that's really interesting! I agree, very similar and I think also that the Irish don't get too hung up on things being exactly right. The Irish funerals would be similar in a way to Shiva, as in there are tons of visitors to the house in the days before and after a funeral. Suits me, but it wouldn't agree with some MNers who seen afraid of the doorbell.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

I'm in rural Ireland and although about 80 percent of wakes are held in the funeral home nowadays, it is very unusual for a burial to be more than 3 days after a death. The funeral directors don't have storage facilities and embalming, if required, is done at the local hospital mortuary.

Graves are dug by volunteers from the village of the deceased. Local radio broadcasts death notices several times per day and these are quite the cultural phenomenon in rural Ireland. Ardal O' Hanlon made an interesting documentary about this a few years ago: vimeo.com/116946000

Anyone who has had any kind of connection to the deceased turns up to the funeral home- friends, neighbours, the postman, the district nurse, vet and so on. At my mother's wake was at the weekend both local and national politicians turned up, which I suspect would be unheard of in the UK.

The coffin is carried by male relatives/friends of the deceased and one of the chief mourners rides up front in the hearse with the funeral director. I have never seen any hired limos or cars at any funeral I have attended.

Traditional wakes in the house still happen and many people will visit the family after the burial. If the wake is in the funeral home, many families prefer the house to be kept private until after the burial. My dad was waked at home and while it was comforting it was also very full on. All I wanted to do was to hide in my bedroom. My mother went to the funeral home and I was glad to be able to go back to my home and close the door after me.

genever I totally agree. What I like about Jewish funerals too is that there is very little planning for the bereaved as it’s such a well oiled process which just clicks into place. I like the familiarity that the services, apart from the eulogy, are the same and that the familiar rituals give comfort. We had to wait 4 days for MIL funeral as it was during a festival then sabbath and the wait was unbearable. We just wanted it done. I agree too that with a quick funeral people find a way to get there. We had one last year 48 hours after the death, a very unexpected one, and people still made it from Canada, the US and Israel. A friend lost her non Jewish partner some years ago and was really struggling without a shiva so we put together a rota for a week to make sure she was never alone. She found it very comforting.