A month to arrange a funeral...?

[juls1888]

DH's DGM died on 19 December (elderly with a terminal illness so no post mortem etc.). The funeral directors advised on 20 December that they couldn't meet DGF until today due to the Christmas holidays (understandable). They have now advised that the funeral can't be held until 19 January! The issue we have is that they are in Portsmouth and we are in Glasgow so totally don't know if that is the norm for that area or if this funeral director is unusually slow/busy/whatever. I feel it is heartbreaking for his poor DGF to be hanging about for a month with no closure or able to move on the start dealing with his grief. Is there anyone in Portsmouth or surrounding areas able to advise if this is normal or not?

Apologies. I've been out of Glasgow, although not far away, for a few years now, so looks like things have slowed down there too. That's not good. It is hard on families to have to wait so long.

As well as the issue about Christmas and New Year, there are large variations in the number of people who die each month. From May to October it’s generally about 38-40,000 from November - April it can be up to 47-48,000. If there were enough crematoria to prevent long waits in the November-April then there would be over capacity from April-October and public money would be wasted with crematoria being underused and staff being paid to sit and do nothing. Waiting longer is the price paid for not spending so much money - just like the NHS. I expect countries where you don’t wait as long spend more on crematoria or have more space for burials.

Not unusual at this time of year.

To be very (brutally) upfront about it, there will be a backlog of funeral services to be conducted, due to the Christmas holiday period.

Personally, I disagree that sooner is necessarily better. I think cultural expectations need to be taken into account, and in the UK, people channel their grief through very personalised funerals. Favourite flowers, favourite hymns, orders of service, readings from multiple family members. (Not saying that's wrong- that's the route my family went down!) But the thing is, none of that can be organised in under three days if it was an unanticipated death.

I would also say that a standard British funeral organised in a hurry will be a very expensive funeral. If you meet with the directors too quickly while you're still in shock, and you don't have any reconsideration time in between the quote and the service, you might find you've ordered everything the advisor suggested. You can spend £10,000 you don't have very quickly when you're distraught and in shock.

Thank you everyone who has let me know how Jews and Muslims arrange things quicker. It seems a much better system. The time between death and the funeral is a horrible limbo time and 3 or 4 weeks seems much too long to me.

my great uncle in law died in early Jan we had a 3 week or so, undertakers said it's s busy time of year

My dad's funeral was 6 days after he died - Central Scotland - waiting weeks must be a nightmare

Waiting times have definitely increased over the years.
My dm died in 1984 late on friday night and funeral was following friday. Friend died unexpectedly in 1990 late Sunday night. Funeral on friday same week and that was with a post mortem. Same for another friend in 1997.
Df died in 2012 just over 2 weeks for funeral due to diamond jubilee bank holiday.
These were all cremations.
Now in our area there is minimum 3 week wait with 4+ weeks being normal. Not easy for grieving families

treaclesoda it didn't used to take this long. I remember when my Grandad died in the 1980s. He died on the Wednesday and his funeral was held on the following Tuesday. It used to take around six days, where I am in the Midlands anyway. When another family member died on New Year's Eve in 2000, even taking into account the December backlog and Bank Holidays there was still only a wait of 10 days until their burial.

Sounds normal tbh. My grandad died 23rd January and we didn’t bury him till mid February

Sorry for your loss, I don't know as not from the UK but it sounds like a very long time!!
I'm Irish, here you're buried before you even know you're dead

My mother’s funeral was 7 days after her death - Mortonhall Edinburgh, February. It seemed incredibly quick to me. Everything was done in such a rush, in terms of planning the service and allowing people to get time off work.

My ILs are even faster. They like to be done and dusted within a couple of days. We had to delay MILs funeral so that we had time to travel from the UK to the US.

The timings are all controlled by the crematoria. It may be possible to have a church service earlier, with the commital taking place after hours. Again, it’s a busy time for churches and they may only bend their normal funeral policies for church family.

The people in the know are the funeral directors.

Sorry for your loss

My MIL died on 22nd Dec last year and we had a cremation on 10th Jan but there was only one slot available early in the morning otherwise it would have been much longer. We are in the SW too so pretty normal I think

Personally, I disagree that sooner is necessarily better. I think cultural expectations need to be taken into account, and in the UK, people channel their grief through very personalised funerals. Favourite flowers, favourite hymns, orders of service, readings from multiple family members. (Not saying that's wrong- that's the route my family went down!) But the thing is, none of that can be organised in under three days if it was an unanticipated death.

Yes, I agree, and maybe that's why I find the idea of which a quick funeral so culturally difficult. I think the timing of the funeral also maybe dictates cultural attitudes to it in other ways. I think that some other cultures see the funeral as the start of mourning, and that's why some people see it as so awful to delay it.

In my experience, by contrast, a funeral happens three weeks after a death, and in that culture the funeral marks not the start but a different stage of mourning - they're reflective, and so I can't imagine doing it three days after a death, when shock is still the dominant emotion. In this kind of culture they're a form of closure, so it makes sense that they come at a later stage.

A friend of mine had to wait 4/5 months for her mother's funeral in the US. When I expressed concern she said the grave couldn't be dug until the ground had thawed. We had to wait 2 weeks for my mother and that was with a PM - any longer would have been awful, we just wanted it done.

I am youngish (mid-30s) which is maybe why a wait of multiple weeks seems normal to me - I don't remember details of funerals I went to as a child well enough to know if they were quicker. From what other people are saying they may well have been; all the 10+ funerals I've been to as an adult have take a minimum of 3 weeks to arrange.

Sorry for your loss OP.

If someone lives in an area with a high elderly population, during winter months, the wait can often be very long as they can get a bit backlogged.

5 years ago we had a 3, almost 4 week wait when one relative died. Just recently it was 4 weeks for another, although that was partly because they had no money (which they had kept secret) and the family had to all chip in to avoid a social services funeral.

Scotland does seem to be quicker - XP's DGM died 10 years ago in Glasgow and it was all sorted in 10 days (she died on a Friday evening so we had 2 weekends before her cremation on the following Monday, so technically only 5.5 working days).

We've just waited 4 weeks for my g dads funeral - due to needing an inquest and he died in a different county to which he lived so had to be communicated between two different coroners.
Also the crematorium was just very busy

My nan died mid December and the burial was mid January. This was the first slot available with the funeral directors.

Favourite flowers, favourite hymns, orders of service, readings from multiple family members. (Not saying that's wrong- that's the route my family went down!) But the thing is, none of that can be organised in under three days if it was an unanticipated death.

That all happens in Ireland for funerals within 3 days: highly personal readings, prayers of the faithful, offertory procession bearing gifts specific to the deceased, specially chosen hymns, eulogy by a close family member, family members shouldering the coffin, and in more traditional areas, vigils at the wake house. It can be done within 3 days.

I'm near Portsmouth. We waited 17 days in June for my Dad's. We were surprised at how quickly it could be done. We had a crematorium only and we were flexible as to which one which probably helped. I'm sorry for your loss.

That all happens in Ireland for funerals within 3 days: highly personal readings, prayers of the faithful, offertory procession bearing gifts specific to the deceased, specially chosen hymns, eulogy by a close family member, family members shouldering the coffin, and in more traditional areas, vigils at the wake house. It can be done within 3 days.

Again, this is just about different cultural expectations - I just cannot imagine expecting someone to start doing that literally the day after they lost a loved one. But I know for some people that's the best and healthiest way. I think we should accept cultures do things differently rather than assuming one way is better than another.

Personally, I disagree that sooner is necessarily better. I think cultural expectations need to be taken into account, and in the UK, people channel their grief through very personalised funerals. Favourite flowers, favourite hymns, orders of service, readings from multiple family members. (Not saying that's wrong- that's the route my family went down!) But the thing is, none of that can be organised in under three days if it was an unanticipated death.

Whilst I accept that people's expectations differ, and there isn't a 'right' way to do things I just wanted to reply to this to say that it absolutely is possible to do all this inside a few days, even for an unexpected death. I've been to funerals of young people who have unexpectedly died for example and there were still very personalised readings, eulogies and hymns. And also people attending from the far side of the world. If it's the norm for your culture, then everyone accepts that's what happens and eg no one is taken aback to be asked to speak with only 24 hours notice.

The timings are definitely getting much longer. I lost all my grandparents and great aunts/uncles in the 90s (cremations) and all funerals (church) took place 1 week later. Now 3-4 weeks seems the norm

Perhaps if you're raised that way, it's possible. But as I am now, and have been brought up, I was not capable of choosing a reading, never mind performing it, within three days of the police officers coming to deliver the news and performing the ID. I got the ball rolling with an initial consultation at the funeral directors' and that was it.

I can't really get behind the view that I should have been capable of remembering the deceased favourite hymn faster than I was, or that I would have needed less time if I was Irish. Again, it's possible, but it doesn't feel all that possible.

No, sorry, I wasn't saying you should be able to cope with a quick funeral.

I just meant that when it is the norm, then that's what people do. And they do manage. On the other hand, I would find it incredibly distressing to have to go back to work and resume normal life between a death and a funeral, and the idea of leaving a body unaccompanied between the death and the funeral would be very upsetting to most Irish people too. To Irish people I'd guess that those things would be far more upsetting than having to arrange a funeral inside a couple of days. It's what you're used to I suppose?