A month to arrange a funeral...?

[juls1888]

DH's DGM died on 19 December (elderly with a terminal illness so no post mortem etc.). The funeral directors advised on 20 December that they couldn't meet DGF until today due to the Christmas holidays (understandable). They have now advised that the funeral can't be held until 19 January! The issue we have is that they are in Portsmouth and we are in Glasgow so totally don't know if that is the norm for that area or if this funeral director is unusually slow/busy/whatever. I feel it is heartbreaking for his poor DGF to be hanging about for a month with no closure or able to move on the start dealing with his grief. Is there anyone in Portsmouth or surrounding areas able to advise if this is normal or not?

And a 3 week wait in Glasgow earlier this year.

I think that one would have been longer had there not been a cancellation at a registry office in North Lan that they got a phone call about which let them register the death before the bank holiday weekend.

Other than that it was a 7 day wait to register the death, which would have pushed the funeral back further.

Cuts to the registration service have also had an impact on times.

I think that one would have been longer had there not been a cancellation at a registry office in North Lan that they got a phone call about which let them register the death before the bank holiday weekend

The 3 week in Glasgow wait was my one? There was no cancellation in North Lan, that I know of?

**

Standard here in London, especially over the Christmas period. My Nan died 27th December (exactly 14yrs ago) and no funeral until 15th January. Grandad died 18th April and funeral was mid May. Was pretty horrible to wait that long but crem was booked up solid.

treaclesoda, Ah, I see.

It's really what you're used to. I would say I took refuge in normal life while planning, and by the time we had it, I'd been capable of a service that I could look back on without feeling I'd bollocked it up. I do wonder if we develop a lot of emotional investment in the perfect funeral service here. Speaking with friends and family in the run-up to it, I heard a bit about how awful one or two still felt after mistakes in the service. I suppose it makes sense; it's like planning a wedding, and I've seen enough threads about that on MN.

My son’s girlfriend is Jewish and I’m aware that when there has been a death in the Jewish community, (burials normally take place 24 hours later or as soon as possible) the immediate family members ‘sit Shiva’.

‘Shiva’ is 7 in Hebrew, so Jews ‘sit Shiva’ for 7 days. This is normally at the home of the closest relative and mourners who come to pay their respects are received.

I understand that the family members sit on a low chair, mirrors may be covered up and make-up not worn, men usually don’t shave, new clothes not worn (no need to appear smart and glamorous when grieving). I also understand that some visiting mourners will bring a meal or food items as the grieving family members may not be in a state to prepare meals or to eat.

Sorry to say this but there’s probably a ‘backlog’. We experienced similar in our family a few years ago at this time of year.

My sincere condolenseces x

You could always phone round any crematoriums yourself to see if they have any availability sooner however given the time of year the wait seems reasonable. Just to add some perspective my aunt I Canada had to wait 6 months to bury her husband as they had to wait for the ground to thaw. I know waiting for the funeral is stalling the grieving process but hopefully you'll get through it.

Oh gosh - I had no ideas funerals took so long

Well until I read about how it happens in Ireland I thought the difference in funeral times was not so much to do with culture as to do with the climate where people are from. I thought people whose origins were cold climates even before refrigeration and electricity etc didn’t mind a long period between death and burial because it’s cold enough in an in heated house to keep a body from decomposing too much before the funeral? I am a Muslim and Iv always thought our quick burials were as much to do with tropical/ humid/ desert origins of most Muslims where a dead body lying around too long would fester in the heat/humidity. And that’s even with all the frankincense/myrhh placed around it to cover the smell. Yeah modern times and all that and there’s refrigeration in the morgues for a three week four week wait but deep in our genetic memory is the anxiety about a dead body going too long unburied.
Judaism was born in the desert also and it was a sensible measure in a hot climate up until the widespread use of electricity to bury bodies quickly. It is ritual now but that was probably the thinking behind the ritual. I wonder about burial culture in other European countries now though?

In the south its often longer, high density population, our local crem only has two ovens and only does 5 funerals a day in each at this time of year - that's the day light hours, I've known it to take upto 7 weeks.

With burials, it can be a little quicker, but even so, in this weather, the ground is hard too.

Not to put too fine a point on it, the hospital morgue is at capacity too

I have a relation from Ulster/the Six Counties. It's legally part of the UK but where he is from is culturally and habitually more like the Republic of Ireland and funerals in his home town are carried out within a day or two as is normal in the Republic, not the 3/4 weeks that seem normal in the rest of the UK.. He has a theory that undertakers in mainland UK deliberately delay funerals to bump up the charges for storing the remains.

I am just putting this forward as a point for debate not saying I think he is right! He does love a conspiracy theory so this idea could be part of that. I should also add that the only funerals I have been to with him have all been burials not cremations and this thread does seem to suggest that those can be quicker. Does that mean we need more crematoriums?

Unfortunately it is the norm now (unless you can plead cultural necessity to have an early funeral). A young relative of mine died a couple of years ago and it was 3 weeks til a funeral could be arranged. 2 grave diggers for a city of 250,000 people . Cuts . Shocking really. A week used to be the norm and expected. No more - it’s absolutely disgusting.

He has a theory that undertakers in mainland UK deliberately delay funerals to bump up the charges for storing the remains

I've never known an undertaker charge more for storing bodies in a long delay.

Burials are quicker. Burials in churchyards are quicker still. Sometimes it's the registrar that holds things up as much as the crematorium.

Yes, we generally need more crematoria, but at this time of year there will always be an element of delay.

I think it really is what you are used to. When my Grandfather died I was literally on the other side of the world (I was on a business trip to Japan). My work got me on standby on a flight immediately and I was home in Ireland before family members coming from the UK.

They just understood that it's what you do for a funeral.

(And I don't think it's smugness when we mention it, It's just not understanding until it's explained. A bit like my Dad's English relatives who told mum they "couldn't possibly think of travelling for his funeral as it was too quick" - when oddly, because of the circumstances it was a "long" wait for us - 5 days)

It didn’t used to be like this in the UK. Not being smug saying how it’s better elsewhere - it just is - it actually used to be around a week in the UK too. The sad fact is cuts to the bone, and underinvestment are what has made wait times increase. It’s another symptom of the way the UK has gone backwards over the last 10 years. Waiting 4 weeks for a funeral. FFS it prolongs agony and can’t be excused away.

The registration has to take place within 5 days so it’s not going to hold things up excessively

It's not just this time of year - my grandfather died on the Wednesday before Easter and it took a long time for that funeral to be organised too. Waits don't seem to be as long as in other parts of UK here though (we're in Glasgow), 7 to 10 days appears to be the norm. Sorry for your loss.

I have booked a funeral to get a preferred 'slot' before registering a death so registrar delay does not necessarily hold up funeral arrangements

I cannot even begin to imagine having to wait for a funeral. We are Jewish and funerals are within 24 hours unless it’s a religious holiday or the sabbath in which case it would be about 48 hours. I find this incredibly comforting, we have the funeral and we move into a week of mourning with the “shiva” period which brings an opportunity to spend time together with family and friends in the home and gives some very comforting structure to the proceedings

It’s not that different, spurtions.

A Christian funeral tends to end the period of mourning, not precede it.

I personally feel that 1 - 2 weeks after the death is about right. I think my ILs way of doing things (about 3 days) is far too quick. Obviously a month is a long time, but there are usually explanations for the delay.

At this time of year a 4 week wait is not unusual. It will be the crematorium that will be the problem as they will be at full capacity.

If you want a lunchtime slot on a Friday then you may have to wait longer as this is probably the most popular one. I've had a couple of services recently where we have had the funeral in church and then a private cremation later with just the close family or sometimes with just the funeral directors.

Burials are easier to arrange in my part of the world but they aren't cheap.

As I said, 70 million people and facilities for 50 million because the immigrants aren't leaving ( nor should they) and we won't vote for higher taxes. So we are getting what we deserve.

Things did work a lot better with 50 million and could work just as well now, only we won't pay.

The 3 week in Glasgow wait was my one? There was no cancellation in North Lan, that I know of?

Butchy, I missed a bit of my post, I was adding that your 3 week wait would likely have been the same for us had we not got a reg office cancellation! Sorry for spooking you.

Even without backlogs from holiday periods, 3 weeks is very common for our local crematorium which is just massively under capacity for the population it serves.

The only burial I've been to was my dad's 25+ years ago and that was 8 days despite a shock death involving a post mortem. I had two days off school, plus the funeral afternoon the following week. I went that morning as it was my induction for secondary school.

My ILs are Irish Catholics so used to a short period. A couple of years ago there was a lengthy and circular conversation about the logics of getting back to Ireland in the event of a funeral for an aging relative. When I asked if it was really essential for the funeral to be so soon and could they not simply talk to their siblings about an appropriate timing around the available logistics, there was stunned silence at such a revolutionary idea. I know the culture is for a quick turn around, but there doesn't seem to be a sound practical reason to carry out to the exclusion of immediate family.