How will you be as a MIL?

[Partridgeinabeartree]

With all the hatred for MILs on here, I can't help wondering "how will you be as a MIL?" Perfect no doubt!

I don't think I am a problem mother in law.

Not saying you are, but my own mother doesn't see herself as a problem mother or MIL, and yet... nobody particularly looks forward to spend time with her.

Like I am as a parent, I guess

Hands-off. Non judgemental. Busy with my own life and responsible only for my own decisions. In MN MIL speak I would be described as cold and distant I suppose.

From the couples of know, I am the only one with a good relationship with my MIL and that is because she had a really bad relationship with her interfering MIL. Reasons why the DIL's and MIL's do not get on are mainly due to the MIL's favouritism between children/grandchildren, making it obvious that DIL's are not good enough for their DS's and telling DIL's that they are parenting incorrectly.

There are good MIL's and there are bad MIL's. Mumsnet is only a snapshot of the MIL's out there, not a generalisation.

I will back the fuck off. Twice over.

I won't pull rank.

I won't treat my adult sons like 5 year olds.

I won't ignore my DILs, or treat them and their family with disdain.

I won't read the Daily Mail.

I won't try to emulate my own mother 24/7.

If mumsnet is anything to go by a high percentage of us will be shit, and in the future we will be the person of angst in the post rather than the person complaining. It’s a relationship that is determined by both parties and you can be mother Theresa but if the other part of the relationship doesn’t want to know it will make no difference. I plan on being me.

If you say anything at all you're poking your nose in and if you don't then you aren't caring enough.

MILs cannot win. Ever. Not on MN anyway.

I adore my mil. She is completely wonderful. She is the most tactful woman I know. Despite being insanely knowledgeable about child rearing (mum to the, Foster carer, trained as nursery nurse) she never offers unsolicited advice. As a result I am her advice all the time! Constantly on the phone to her!

She is generous to a fault. She always made me feel welcome. We had to live with her for six months in between houses with a two year old and a newborn. Despite the fact that I'll bet that was really difficult for her she never said a word or made it awkward. Instead she would rock the newborn in the evening when she had colic and get up with the two year old in the morning to give me extra sleep.

We now have four children and she minds the baby for three days a week and the toddler for one day a week. We go up there for dinner once a week. She came to us for Christmas and I was genuinely over the moon and was coming.

When my eldest was diagnosed with asd she came on the early bird programme with me, and we often discuss strategies together..... She always has really thoughtful things to say.

If I can be one tenth as good as her I will have one lucky dil! I have three boys...... So I really hope that I can have similar relationships with my dils!

My schoolfriend has always been tricky, very few people she likes. Mostly loathed everyone she works with etc. Didn't get on with MIL and tolerated his siblings.

Her children are all grown up have long terms boyfriends/girlfriends. Only one set live together the other two don't due to work and different universities.

I am stunned that she is so relaxed about their relationships. She likes them all. Phoned her whilst she was gift shopping for the youngest's girlfriend and she said 'she has similar taste so is a pleasure to buy for' The older one's girlfriend she credits with aiding him 'growing up' and finally acting like a grown up.

Our close circle of friends are stunned. O asked if any of them.are planning to move in on get married she replied, I don't pry. They'll let me know when I need to know

Sorry, @MaidofHulaHoopz , but you only have to take a cursory glance at the Relationship board to see that an awful lot of people put up with an awful of crap relationships, and I don't want that for my kids.

Hopefully I will raise them with high enough self-esteem that that won't happen, but if it does I'll have no compunction in telling them that their partners are being shit and they deserve better. I'd do the same for a friend; why wouldn't I do it for my DC?

I love my MIL. She is a wonderful part of our family and we'd be lost without her. We have a friendship entirely separate to DH and the DCs and I'm grateful to have someone like her on our side. The DCs have an incredible bond with her and I love the influence she's having on their lives.

I hope that when the DCs grow up that I can be as kind, helpful and loving to their partners as MIL is to me.

Nemo your relationship with your MIL sounds fab, it is a relationship between two grown up people, built on love, trust and mutual respect. You too are part of that relationship and sound a fab DIL too.

For some on here, in the DIL role, the benefits you appreciate would be slated as interfering. MIL just can't win.
Well done you and your MIL.

Swan in briefly, sprinkle lots of money around, listen well, and keep my mouth shut (I hope).
MIL doesn't like me but has done admirable job of always being polite, generous & hospitable. I can admire that about her.

Reading MN has made me think I'll be loathe to offer childcare, though. Too hard to get it right. My poor stepmum is badgered by her DD into doing everything exactly & precisely as ordered. My folks find it a relief to visit laid-back us in that respect. But then folks get horrified if my kids tantrum or leave a sticky finger somewhere (nephew wouldn't get a chance to do such things, has too many adults waiting on him).

My mil is lovely. I told my dh if we split im getting her in the divorce.

I have a really good relationship with my DD’s OH and my daughter really likes his mum and sister. I could tell you all about his work and a lot about his interests and friends, his Mum could do the same about my daughter. We both think our progeny are pretty damn special but we know they aren’t perfect and don’t expect their partners to revolve around them like satellites.
Both us “MILs” are friendly, interested in our adult children’s lives and their partners, but also have our own lives. We’ve transitioned well to being parents of adult children I think and our children and their partners actively like our company, - so my daughter’s OH invited us to join them on a sports weekend away.
If they have children, I’ll be ecstatic but I won’t give unsolicited advice, presume I’ll be present at the birth or staying with them afterwards. I’ll offer help, but not as nauseous and use my ears more than my mouth. I’ll support my daughter and her partner first and foremost and see any cuddles with their baby as a bonus. Tiny babies don’t need to bond with grandma unless she is a major caregiver, they need the security of their principle carer, and it’s very helpful if they are happy with their partner too.
My mum wasn’t too bad when my children were tiny, but I suspect she would have been an annoying MIL had my brother been straight and had children.

“ad nauseum”

I will try very hard not to treat them in the same way my MIL treated me. I have made it clear that I will always help in whatever way I can, but I don't make demands on either of my dcs partners. I talk to them the way I like to be spoken to - with respect and as adult to adult. I may not always agree with some of their ideas, or the decisions they and my dcs make, but I respect that as adults, they are entitled to live their lives as they see fit. I offer opinions when asked but not otherwise. I make sure they know they are always welcome in my home and I cater for their dietry needs and likes without a fuss.
I know I won't be perfect and I will make mistakes along the way - I hope that when I do, they will let me know kindly do I have a chance to make things right and that if I need to apologise, I will do so sincerely. I won't be like my mum who is always right and whom I've never heard use the word 'sorry'in all my (over 50) years, or like my MIL to whom the word is a meaningless platitude, to be used when you need to be seen to say sorry, but never really meant.
I won't smother one set of grandchildren whilst virtually ignoring the other. I have enough local e to give some to every member of my family, whether they are members by birth or by virtue of being a partner/spouse of one.

I will not insist my grandchildren call me Mama!

Seriously though, I'm worried about a future DiL a lot more than a future SiL. I don't know how to be that'll mean I can be involved in their lives without being overbearing.

Mama? Wow! I thought insisting upon DGC calling a GP their first name was odd.

I will be fucking awful 😁

I think one of the issues is the relationship goes from 0-60. With friends or work colleagues you often have time to get to know someone in short bursts. With in laws you can go from nothing to staying for a weekend. Often it can be an adjustment. Parents expect thinks to be as they have always been but the new partner brings a different dynamic that has to be considered. A relationship takes time to build and things that might be ok between a parent and child might be interpreted differently by a virtual stranger. As an example, early on my mil came to our house and cleaned our oven. I was upset as I interpreted it as her thinking our house was dirty. She was doing it to be helpful. A few years down the line I’d be delighted and take that as a very welcome offer of help. Men don’t seem to have as many potential areas of friction. You never really here men complaining about their FILs.

I will offer the early morning play & read "shift" thus allowing DC and to sleep in when the DGc are under 10yo.

I'll buy books etc and make play dough, bake, do messy play. And not sit in my chair and ask when they are due to sleep or go to bed all the time.

I'll be me but older, and not come to life with wine once they go to bed.

I'll offer to go on holiday with them or them with us (with or without the DC) because I mean it and not use them as an excuse to be snide about the world. E.g. if my DIL or SIL has a heritage from another part of the world I will go and learn about their culture to appreciate the family, and not go there to look for poverty or find grounds for my prejudice.

I won't just see a Colour in my DGc, I'll see people, a future president, future astronaut, future componist, noble physics winner etc. I'll have hopes and dreams for my descendants, and not lament their diversity.

I'll roll around on the carpet and play trains/farms/zoos whatever if the DGC are all boys (like my mum does) and not keep giving pink tops/jogging bottoms as gifts lamenting the absence of a girl (a la MIL).

I'll learn to express an interest in their interests and not moan that my DS were gentler in their disposition.

I will always be right

I have 2 boys and I think I will be horrid 😂

I will try my best to be the opposite of my own MIL

I wouldn't want to know about any disagreement between my sons and their partners....not my business. I would love to have the children if I get any grandchildren for a day or an overnight but as I'm chronically I'll, I couldn't do any longterm as I have constant appointments and my dh is my carer so needs to cone with me. But I would help if asked. When I visit, I would not comment if they have young children about mess etc...not my house not my place, but I would advise my sons to help keep house and to sit down with the wife/partner about routine and being considerate of each other. That would be me in a nutshell though.