How will you be as a MIL?

[Partridgeinabeartree]

With all the hatred for MILs on here, I can't help wondering "how will you be as a MIL?" Perfect no doubt!

My ex was an only child and his parents were insufferable.

I only have one child and I imagine I’ll be just like them if I don’t have another

Someone has said that they want their mum there after they give birth. I totally understand this. although I didn't want my mum, or anyone there

Having said that, the DGC are my DGC just as much as the DIL's mum and sometimes you do feel left out.

I have a DS. I find it odd when people issue warnings.

I'm well aware that it is not an easy relationship but if you just make the tiniest bit of effort then that helps. I am very forgiving and if my MIL made a bit of effort now then I would reciprocate but she's a fucking ice queen and to be honest I gave up trying a long time ago.

I'm sorry individual people get unfairly hurt, but slagging off DILs as a homogeneous mass is just weird.

First a foremost I think that the trick is 1. To realise that your son's wife and son are closer (or should be at least) than you and your son and act accordingly and 2. Not to interfere, you really have no right to tell adults, even adult children how to live.

@charliesierra then you would be completely within your right to feel very hard done by in having a rotten daughter in law.

I'm sorry individual people get unfairly hurt, but slagging off DILs as a homogeneous mass is just weird

Insert MIL for DIL

I've no idea, it will depend on what my future SILs/DILs are like. If they're good people who are good to my kids, I shall leave well alone and try to be there when then needed, but without interfering.

If they're not...I shall meddle and interfere and try to get my kids away from them, because they deserve better, and I make no apology for that.

DIL's worst nightmare. She'll never match up to me, of course.

DS is being prepared to be the perfect husband and father, of course.

We'll be polite but never friends.

And the grandchildren will be spoilt rotten.

First a foremost I think that the trick is 1. To realise that your son's wife and son are closer (or should be at least) than you and your son it's a completely different relationship! In no way comparable or in conflict unless either or both women have completely fucked up boundaries.

I am one. I smile and nod, a lot. Never give advice, give compliments, never assume, offer practical support but smile graciously if it's not taken ( which is often hard ).

It's hard as I feel I never live up to DIL's mum. But that's the way it goes I guess.

It's hard as I feel I never live up to DIL's mum. But that's the way it goes I guess

I was just about to say something similar.

I will be nothing like my mil !

I won't sit after a few drinks with my dil within earshot and tell my son what "the issue is with dil and her extended family" I won't then try and apologise next day when I realise she heard every word by saying "well you weren't meant to hear, that was between me and my son". She's the worst kind of person, goes to church is holier than thou, people think she's a saint, reality is she's a bitch who calls people behind their backs. She does well with the church act until after about 2 bottles of wine in when she swears like a trooper and tells anyone in sight what their "issues" are.

Lovely woman .

Having said that, the DGC are my DGC just as much as the DIL's mum and sometimes you do feel left out.

Everyone has a story. Mine is that they treated me like crap. The whole family looked at anything to try and say I slighted them. In our culture, when you walk into a room you greet everyone. Apparently, after I greeted everyone I was supposed to sit with them. I only came to visit their son. I'd go and see him and we would leave. That was a problem. His sister actually admitted 4 years in, that when we said we were getting engaged (2 months into the relationship) she told him I wasn't right for him, but she was wrong. Great 4 years making me feel like crap and unwanted, treating my family like sh*t.
when we were pregnant with their first DGc, my DS, They came to the hospital once (CSection - in for 4 days). then within two weeks had jumped on a plane to retirement house.

at the time I thought, well maybe they felt my family were going to be with me. but the idea that you would come especially for the birth and be booked to leave within 3 weeks of the due date (he was two weeks late). however when their DD had her first, they were here before, during and after.

Roll forward and Sil and I are pregnant at the same time. the children were due six weeks apart. the booked to leave three week's after the birth of DN. Just a sorry they couldn't stay longer (so much to do back home I imagine). Would you believe my D's came four weeks early and Do you know where they we're? on a plane. my D's was in hospital till her due date.

And for me the final pill to swallow are my kids cards. Just last week she delivered cards to my children E.g JT and BT instead of JR-T and BR-T. she even rights it inside the card who needs their surname written on a hand delivered envelope much less INSIDE the card. Who does that?

then she asks why I don't call her mum. Short answer, my mother has never treated me like shit. Has never had to get used to me and oh, because she's my mum.

I'm sure you have a story. I'm sure your DIL has a story. For me jumping on a plane after your first DGC is born was never going to help relations.

Tbh you sound as bitter as I feel.

Buck but leaving straight after the birth isn't about being a MIL, I had my eldest by C section and within two days my own parents had left for Christmas away!
Surely this is about treating everyone fairly and equally. The hurt is when one side of the family are treat as second class citizens. Often it is the parents of sons who are left out, who have to work around arrangements, but not always. My own parents treat me pretty poorly too. I am always second best in their arrangements with my brother for instance, just because they are too scared of upsetting him.

We are adults in a family. Remember we might have difficult decisions to make, it isn't possible to keep everyone happy all of the time but surely try and treat everyone with respect and honesty.

Sometimes there’s conflict. Like where to spend Christmas.

I very nearly fell out with PIL when they wanted a say in which house we bought (have had a say with their other kids). I said no - it’s going to be my home not theirs, they can give their opinion but they don’t get to veto a house I like because they thought it was a bad idea. It really held us up as I kept saying to DH if YOU don’t like it I’ll listen, but if you are only discounting it to keep your parents happy maybe I should walk away from this whole thing now. I didn’t want them to have that level of a say in our lives. It was our first home and we were newly married and DH could see that I meant it.

We bought the house and it all went fabulously, MIL now claims they never raised any objections and always loved the house!!

We had another conflict naming our first born - FIL said we should have gone with a different, similar name. I quite liked FILs version tbh but DH hated it so that was that. FIL couldn’t let it lie. Made a shitty comment on his first birthday about how he should have been called his version instead.

Just because they are different relationships doesn’t mean there won’t be conflict. It’s family, there’s always conflict! But parents on both sides need to remember that once their kids are grown their role is wise advisor, rather than think of themselves as part of the action IYSWIM.

But parents on both sides need to remember that once their kids are grown their role is wise advisor, rather than think of themselves as part of the action IYSWIM

No I really don't know what you mean. My children are all adults so our relationships are now adult/adult rather than parent/child. I'm still 'part of the action' in those relationships, I still have a relationship with each of my adult children which is ours, they haven't morphed into two headed beings so that each relationship is now between me and a couple. I can see why there could be conflict if as a wife you believe your MIL can now only have a relationship with the two of you as a unit.

but leaving straight after the birth isn't about being a MIL,
Think you miss the point, in my story it's a continuation of the disdain I was treated with from the beginning of my relationship.

Then later they want a close relationship. not likely. no way I'm making it easy for these people to hurt my children. Will protect them as best as I can from being treated as second best.

I am always second best in their arrangements with my brother for instance, just because they are too scared of upsetting him.

I get where you are coming from here. I'm sure my siblings think I get the best of the grandparents, but that's their story. As you say we are all adults, and we also bring our own baggage.

I genuinely love and respect my MIL, we have a great relationship. I’ve no idea what sort of MIL I’ll be if the time ever comes, because I’ve no idea what sort of DIL or SIL I’ll end up with! But I consider myself fairly easy going and get along with most people so hopefully we’ll have as good a relationship as I do with my own.
I feel sorry for people who don’t get along with their in-laws and am very grateful that I do.

If they're not...I shall meddle and interfere and try to get my kids away from them, because they deserve better, and I make no apology for that.

This is exactly my own MIL's thought process, I believe. We don't see her anymore. I treat her son very well. From my POV she has no reason to meddle or attempt to sabotage our relationship... her decision to treat me with such contempt has caused both myself and DH much pain. I know for a fact that I could never do that to anyone else - least of all to someone my child loves. It really saddens me to think that you are doing your child a favour by behaving like this. You are not. You are only causing them harm (unless their partner is abusive, of course)

As for me? I intend to be the opposite of my own MIL.

I will be kind, welcoming and friendly. I will get to know them and will try my best to be forgiving of any mistakes they might make. If there is an issue, I will communicate. Otherwise I will bite my tongue.

I will not bully through exclusion. I won't play nice in front of the wider family, and throw insults as soon as their backs are turned. I won't be manipulative or controlling. If anything is said that could be misinterpreted, I hope I have a good enough relationship that it is understood that was what said, was not meant with malice or ill intent.

I will not punish my child, reject them/push them out of the family by refusing to accept their partner.

I hope to build up some kind of friendship with any SIL/DIL, so that when they have children, I am included - however that may come to be.

That’s not what I meant Charlie. When I say part of the action I mean regarding their decisions about their own lives.

When your kids are children, you control lots of decisions and have a strong influence in others.

When they are grown, it’s great to give advice, but you really shouldn’t be expecting to still make / control decisions.

We aren’t always a ‘two-headed unit’ but my opinion is as valid as DHs regarding where we live because I live there too! Whereas people who aren’t going to live there can advise but aren’t part of the action of actually living there.

Plus personally I think when it comes to parenting decisions for our kids we should be a ‘two headed unit’, making and implementing decisions together and being consistent with our kids. Again, PIL can advise but the grandparent role is different to our parenting role and it’s important for grandparents to realise that.

If problems arise it will be over my wanting time with the Grandchildren, I love children.

I have daughters so I suspect no matter what I do, I won’t be appearing on MN as an evil MIL

You never know eeanne, my dd is gay , so I will end up with a dil which is not what I expected, but sure we will all work it out.

I don't think I am a problem mother in law. I certainly have never interfered in how my gd is brought up. I get asked for advice or babysitting but dont invite myself round or outstay my welcome. I hope!