How will you be as a MIL?

[Partridgeinabeartree]

With all the hatred for MILs on here, I can't help wondering "how will you be as a MIL?" Perfect no doubt!

Supportive and kind I hope.

I only have sons and I hope that I have a good relationship with any daughter in law I may have in future. I do look forward to hopefully having grandchildren one day.

I hope to strike the right balance between being helpful vs being overbearing and interfering.

I warned my sister she would be a horrible mother in law and her daughter in law would hate her...not very subtle of me, but she has been at times an absolute pain over the years, very Hyacinth Bouquet, only private schools or public ones, and not allowing her children to associate with neighbours children at state schools.
I was right..

I will be a nightmare I should imagine. No one is good enough for my little pweshuses.

I'm MIL to two DILs and I have four DGC. It's not what I expected. I spent so long bringing up my DSs and loving them so very much. Now they have their own family, which is more important to them. This is of course how it should be but it's hard sometimes to switch off. If my DIL is a bit spiteful to my DS I feel his pain but you just have to suck it up.

Their parenting is always going to be different to yours and you can never say anything, even if you think they are making a mistake.

Her mum comes first. She held the DGC first, she was the first to know they were going to be parents, she had the first Christmas with the DGC. She is the one who was there when the DGC were brought home. They spend more time with her. You can't say anything.

It's not a walk in the park being a MIL to DILs.

I hope I'll have a grown up relationship with my adult children and their spouses, the type where we can meet for a meal or share a bottle of wine I'm assuming my dc will be drinkers, they have me as an example LIGHTHEARTED and have conversations that don't revolve around the GC (including why won't you give me a GC type convos).

I fully intend to have a pretty full life of my own, health and circumstances willing, so while I'd hope to offer practical support when needed I won't be martyring myself providing unpaid childcare (or even paid childcare) like some grandparents I see running themselves into the ground.

I'd like them to feel welcome in my home so they feel they can help themselves to a drink or ask if they can grab an extra towel/blanket but not so welcome they feel they can arrive unannounced, sit about for hours while their dc run wild and expect dinner to magically appear. Thinking of some cousins and their partners here .

Whether I'm particularly fond of a son or daughter in law will be for me to know, I would hope not to show dislike of my dcs choice of partner. Well, barring abusive or controlling behaviour!

I have had two mother in laws in my life and I am now a mother in law.

I absolutely adore my son in law and would spend at least 50% of my time with my daughter, him and my grandson - BUT I know that my son in law is fond of me time and doens't like people dropping in so I always take my lead from him and my daugher.

If they invite me to anything I always go and I always thank them - I try to treat them sometimes but not take over.

I try to think about what they are doing and I always ALWAYS remember that they are the Mum and Dad so if my darling little grandson asks me for something I always say we need to ask Mumm and Daddy.

When grandson was a baby I always checked with M&D when I should feed, burp etc and when to put to bed and aways went with their rules

If asked for advice I would happily give it but never critisise their methods etc.

I put a lot of thought into my relationship with my daughter because my own relationship with my Mum is bad and I try to extend that to her husband.

Its hard though and I know sometimes I get it wrong - I hope there is enough love and respect there for everyone to muddle throgh the best they can...

... and by the way I loved both my mother in laws! (married twice)

I am myself. I have good relationships with my children, we aren't given to family dramas and all spouses are welcomed as part of the family. I have a high pressure full time job and really appreciate my holidays so I don't do much childcare, but if I do babysitting I follow parental guidelines. At my house I have my own rules, so we don't shout each other from room to room and small people eat and drink at the table and keep their shoes off the furniture. I'm still pleasant and respectful towards my ex DIL even though she left my son for her boss and has now done the same thing again which I find upsetting on behalf of my grandson. She's moved quite far away so I go out of my way to make sure he knows he's still part of our family and gets to join in everything with his cousins.

Insecure probably.

I won't be. DS has autism, doubt he'll marry. DD1 is dead. And DD2 never wants to marry or have kids, I don't blame her.

I love my mother in law, she's a great woman and great with her grandchildren. She helps with a lot between watching kids, spoiling kids and helping us out if needed.

I only have one son and two daughters, I will treat my dil the same as my daughters and help when needed, hopefully we can have a nice bond.

One thing I'll do different is, if there's any conflict or someone is causing trouble I'll not sit back and allow bad behaviour, which unfortunately my mother in law is doing with my brother in laws wife in fear of losing him and their child. Which has tore apart a close family!

I will be lovely

I will be firm but fair. When my future DiL moves in, I will only beat her if she fucks up, and even then, probably not badly.

I started this thread because I'm heartily sick of the continual threads knocking MILs.

Are DILs really so far up their own arses? It would appear so.

Couldn't agree more. The 'lighthearted' how to kill your MIL thread is sickening.

I'm expecting twin boys and this totally freaks me out:

Her mum comes first. She held the DGC first, she was the first to know they were going to be parents, she had the first Christmas with the DGC. She is the one who was there when the DGC were brought home. They spend more time with her. You can't say anything.

Because I know I definitely do this. My Mum wants to be at the hospital when I give birth, she'll take a week off to be with me when OH goes back to work but there's no way I'd want to spend a whole week with my MIL when freshly out of hospital.

I don't think I'm being awful. My mum and I are really close (single parent, holidayed together every year as adults, go to gigs every month). Whereas OH went off to boarding school and as an adult used to see his parents a couple of times a year. I've reduced how much I see my mum to make room for OH and we now see his family more than before I was around. But they still definitely get lower priority.

Mothers Day last year I told OH he could go to his parents but as the only child of a single mother I would be with my mum. He wasn't fussed about seeing his mum, said he didn't normally go up every year and we'd just see them in a few weeks. Similarly this year they told us not to bother coming up for Christmas, we could come another time.

So I don't think it's me. But I really don't want to be a terror of a DIL.

I also don't want to teach my sons that they can just wander off into their wive's families and forget us.

I hope I'll be like my MIL. She's fabulous. Has the perfect balance between being involved a lot and respecting our boundaries.

We're quite an involved family - we see MIL and OMIL (DH's first MIL) every week, sometimes more, so I worry how I'll manage if my kids are with someone who doesn't see extended family except for weddings, funerals and Christmases, but hopefully will find a balance.

DS's girlfriend (she's only 19) says I'm "alright". I'm "interested but not too nosy" which is good apparently.

My DD both have long term live-in partners. I try to keep my nose out of their business so probably seem a bit detached to them. At the moment one of them is making what we consider to be an unwise financial decision. If they allowed us to 'lend' them some money it would be financially advantageous to them. (They are buying a very small flat. if we lent/gave them a larger deposit they could move into a house saving them having to buy again in a few years time). I told DD that something like that might be possible and it was brushed aside so that's the end of that then. It seems crazy to me but they have to do it their way.

I'll be there for them but I won't intrude or tell them how things should be done.

I think I'll make a pretty good MiL.

I have an excellent roll model for how NOT to be a mother in law. Mine invites herself to stay for a week or so at a time, she interferes and is rather difficult.

We have two sons. The oldest was with his last girlfriend for two years and initially we got on well but as time went on it was obvious that she was causing our son a lot of problems with school and subsequently university and was causing a rift between us so she became less welcome here. I wasn't just a bad 'mother in law', my husband was a terrible 'father in law' too and I actually wondered - and worried - if that was how we'd be with every girl that our sons brought home. (Should also say that our youngest son wouldn't even sit in the same room as her).

However, our eldest now has another girlfriend, they've been together for nearly a year but have been friends since starting university, and we adore her. She's welcome here anytime and seems happy to spend time with us, obviously we take our lead from them though.

Long story short, I think that I can be a good mother in law. I'm not the sort of person to impose myself on others, be it in giving advice or spending time, so like now I'll be there when needed.

**
I started this thread because I'm heartily sick of the continual threads knocking MILs.

Are DILs really so far up their own arses? It would appear so.**

Out of 14 couples I know only 2 have a good relationship with their MILs.

You sound pretty far up your own arse.

Reallycleanteeth how do you know your son is not spiteful to your dil at times? I definitely wanted my mum whilst pregnant and afterwards! Mine don’t want children and that’s fine with me. I would not interfere in any case! I am early 40s with early 20s adult dcs so if they had children now I couldn’t just drop everything to babysit obvs would in an emergency!

You mention that you're sick of threads bashing MILs. But in some cases the MIL really is a PITA.

A majority of my friends find their in laws frustrating, only a couple have really good relationships. The main issue is usually due to overstepping boundaries. It can be just a different relationship to manage compared to your own parents.

I used to love my MIL and get on great but since having dc she's constantly interfering , guilt tripping if we want to do anything by ourselves as a family and now referring to herself as "Mummy" to my dc, it's really hurtful. I find it hard to look at her the same, when I feel like she's pissing all over my territory.

^I also don't want to teach my sons they can just wander off into their wive's family and forget about us.'

Er, not really doing that, are you?

My ds got engaged 4 days ago 😊😊 and they’re planning to get married this summer. We have a genuinely good relationship, I am very generous financially and will continue with that which probably helps 😀
I’m very careful to think before making any suggestions and she always takes them on board in the spirit in which they’re intended even th she naturally doesn’t always follow them!
I’m very honoured that she’s including me in lovely things like helping her choose her wedding dress but conscious that I absolutely must not start putting my oar in unless specifically asked for my opinion (which is REALLY hard 😂