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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did turning 40 make you want to get pregnant?

122 replies

ReallyConvolutedCareerHistory · 27/12/2017 05:53

I'm turning 40 on July. I don't have a child. Never wanted one until, well, today.

I was alone, just washing dishes, and suddenly thought I want to get pregnant next year.

I'm married. We have a good marriage. But we just didn't really have the urge to have kids. Always thought I didn't want to have children.

I was worked up two years ago, and everything was good. The GP wanted the work up, not me.

Should I trust this feeling?

Posting here for traffic.

OP posts:
LemonShark · 27/12/2017 15:02

It's fascinating how in so many of these posts the woman said 'I want a child' and her partner seemingly agreed and then started trying immediately. Do most of you find your partners don't really have a preference toward having a child or not and are happy to go along side whatever you think is best? In my experience in general in my friendship group it's more of a joint decision, or a negotiation, and there are many times when one wants it and the other doesn't.

swingofthings · 27/12/2017 15:06

It did me. Had two children already, and was happy with that until I met OH, turned 40 and then it became all consuming. It didn't work. We're now 50 and 47 and I'm so grateful as I don't think we would have made good parents in our situation, would have had to give up too much and well, I now can't imagine anything worse and feel sorry for my friends who have young children. Sometimes nature does the right thing!

iheartcupcake · 27/12/2017 15:06

If that's how you feel then I think you should go for it. You don't wanna look back in 10 years time thinking why didn't I etc etc. Life is too short, do what you really want. Plus who's going to look after you when you're old ;)

Jaygee61 · 27/12/2017 15:07

That’s a very selfish reason to have a child, and who knows they may be living on the other side of the world by the time you are old.

Trills · 27/12/2017 15:09

That's a good point @LemonShark.
Having a baby with a man who says "OK then" at the drop of a hat doesn't sound like a sensible plan.
Either he wanted one all along and didn't mention it to you - and so you have poor communication in your relationship.
Or he hasn't really thought about it and has just agreed without thinking about what it entails - in which case he is unlikely to be a proactive and equal partner in bringing up this child.

LemonShark · 27/12/2017 15:14

It baffles me Trill. In my last relationship we split as I was ready and he wasn't and didn't think he ever would be. In my current he wants them too, and we've agreed on a date to try within the next year or two which aligns with both of our careers (it would be an incredibly bad idea to try right now for both of us). I wonder if I'm the unusual one in having partners that had a strong sense of their own desire for kids or not, and a strong sense of waiting for better timing. As lots of these posts seem 'I decided at 39 and was pregnant six months later!' As if it's an autonomous process that doesn't require someone else's involvement!

Nopeno · 27/12/2017 15:18

Good
God
No

But then I already have three.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 27/12/2017 15:36

What if your husband says he doesn't want one? What then? Will you leave him and find someone else? Will you stay with him and accept he doesn't want kids? Will you believe that old tripe people spout about "He'll love it once it arrives" and stop using contraception? You need to give this some thought as it is possible that he might say no.

GreyHare · 27/12/2017 16:11

Nope, sailed through 40 and about to turn 44 and never ever once regretted my choice to be childfree.

hellofresh · 27/12/2017 17:04

I had never wanted children, until I was 39 when suddenly I did. I had dcs at 40 and 42. I am as fit as my younger my friends so haven't struggled, but it is harder in your 40s as your body doesn't recover as easily. I don't mean from a weight perspective, I mean stomach muscles seem less able to spring back.

hevonbu · 27/12/2017 17:09

No, nothing. Should I have had children it should have been before 35, but I was busy with other things in my early thirties (mid 1990's) and so I didn't have time to think about it.

sweetkitty · 27/12/2017 17:16

No by 40 I had 4! however for me it hit age 28 suddenly all I could think about was babies I was ultra broody, went on on have 4 in under 6 years before I was 35. That cured all broodiness.

Addictedtothisbloodyforum · 27/12/2017 17:16

Are you from the states ? Iv never heard anyone in England use the term "work up " for blood tests ?

I hope you reach a clear decision soon op . I love being a mam and I had my first child as a teenager and 4 child at 33

Chapterandverse · 27/12/2017 17:17

I'm 39. I have a 13 year old and a 16 year old.. and I'm as broody as can be!

ScreamingValentaMySantaExpress · 27/12/2017 17:18

No - I don't have children and I've never wanted them. I had to have a hysterectomy last year (at 42) and I did think carefully about the fact it would make my childfree decision irrevocable, but I couldn't find a reason or urge to have them.

Ultimately, I don't think I have it in myself to put a child's needs before my own every single moment of my life, and I couldn't stand the daily reminder of things I loathe about myself which the child would become, once it started to talk and imitate me - a mini-me (even if only half my genes) is my worst nightmare.

theEagleIsLost · 27/12/2017 17:53

Do most of you find your partners don't really have a preference toward having a child or not and are happy to go along side whatever you think is best?
We talked about it very early in relationship came up with idea of three - talked about it on and off for next ten years coming to same number with close age gaps till we were ready to try.

After first people kept talking to us about four but after third we both got broody at different times that never overlapped – so no fourth. He hit 40 first and went firm no and I was a firm no shortly after.

I’ve suggesting OP has a wait and a think about what she actually wants then talks to her DH. He may well be a firm no – but he could be a god yes.

Friend of mine had been a firm no then wavered got talk into trying immediately started to turn no again but then was already pg – spent most of the pg worried about whether it was right choice. I think she was happy in end and often said she was glad she had him though she was firm on child being an only and there was sometimes an undercurrent of her being impatient for him to grow up.

gamerwidow · 27/12/2017 18:07

I think only you really know if you want a child. Fwiw it’s worth I had one child at 34 and after turning 40 have no desire to ever have another one. Having DD is great but I have friends in their 40s and 50s who haven’t had children through choice and they live happy fulfilling lives too.
Having children isn’t the be all and end all don’t have one just because you think you should.

HolgerDanske · 27/12/2017 18:15

Fuck no!

But I’ve been there and done it twice.

buttercup54321 · 27/12/2017 20:52

My mum was nearly 42 when I was born. Only child as she miscarried one the year before. I would say go for it xx

Talkingfrog · 27/12/2017 23:27

Yes. Had icsi at 36 to have dd, and planned to have another before 40. Realised when out with work for my 40th and other birthdays it had not happened.
Oct birthday do started looking at fertility clinics in the January.
Good luck.

DonkeySkin · 28/12/2017 05:22

I had a sudden burning urge for a child at 39, after being ambivalent about it for years (as was my DP). Suddenly I was staring at babies and toddlers on the train, longing for one of my own.

I ended up getting pregnant via IVF shortly after my 40th birthday with DD, now 2. We have a frozen embryo left over from the cycle, but I'm not sure if I want to try for another, as being an older mum to a toddler is exhausting! I adore DD and am glad I had her, but am not sure if I'd cope with two. My cousin had three kids in her 40s and every time I see her she looks frankly haggard - like she has aged 15 years in 5 Sad

I don't know what causes this baby panic except, as others have mentioned, a realisation that the window to become a mother is about to close for good. Because throughout our 20s and 30s, it's always a possibility, something that we can do, if we want to (even if we don't want to). Maybe there is also an element of panic about mortality and aging - many people have kids in order to give their lives meaning and direction.

What clarified things for me was reading an excellent piece on this issue from a woman who, after making the decision to try for a child with donor sperm at 39, found out she was too late. She goes into the reasons why she wanted a child in the first place and how she came to terms with the realisation that she wouldn't have one.

phonaesthetica.com/2014/07/06/i-am-my-own-wreckage-i-am-my-own-black-box/

It's a really incisive meditation on the meaning of motherhood and children in our lives.

The first lines cut me right to the bone, as a then-childless 39-year-old myself:

Last week, I became someone who never had children.

Before then, I was someone who simply didn’t have them.

I realised that I didn't want to be someone who never had kids. It's not particularly rational, and I'm sure is at least partly due to my internalising social messages that say women cannot be properly fulfilled unless we become mothers, which intellectually I know is not true. As the author says:

I’m not bothered by people who say I’ve missed out on the Most Important and Profound Thing a Woman Can Ever Do, because deep down I don’t think that’s true. The idea is unimaginative and misogynist across the board. Important and profound, for sure. The be-all and end-all of female existence? No.

I love the part at the end where she talks about how a child cannot give your life meaning - only you can do that.

I can’t transfuse the meaning of, or the answers to, my own life into someone else’s, whether I’d had kids or not. I can’t recuse myself from the task of meaning- and answer-making. No one else can be the black box in the middle of my wreckage.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 28/12/2017 05:35

I did briefly consider getting a dog at 40, but then changed my mind.

ReallyConvolutedCareerHistory · 28/12/2017 05:49

Just realised - never had a dog or any pet either.

OP posts:
FirsttimemumJan18 · 28/12/2017 05:50

I knew that I ALWAYS wanted children one day, but it just wasn’t the right time whilst having a career in the Military. On leaving in 2016 and having gone through several rounds of IVF I’m currently 37.6 Weeks Pregnant (with my frozen eggs from when I was 33 years old) with my first child at 42 & cannot wait to be a mum. I’ve been lectured about ‘You won’t have ever experienced sleep deprivation like it etc etc’ & people sticking their noses in giving the hardships of motherhood. But I don’t care..I know it won’t be easy but I’m excited to be a mum at long last!

help1978 · 28/12/2017 06:02

You have to be so sure it's what you want. I'm one of the few that "went for it" and have really regretted it so far and regularly wish I could go back to how things were before x