I know I am bu, engaged and now upset

[sailorcherries]

So yesterday OH proposed and I said yes, it was a lovely start to a lovely day.

We started talking about a wedding and agreed on summer 2019, winter 2019 or summer 2020. I teach which really narrows down available dates, if I want a few days off before and after the wedding, and unfortunately puts any potential wedding right in peak times.

We quickly realised that we probably can't afford to get married in the way we want. Having tallied up guests there is close to 100 adults and 10 children, all of who are close and not the equivalent of a great aunt twice removed. In our dates we're looking at over £7000 for a reception alone. Evening guests put that up to almost £7500 and then there are still all the other costs. We're looking at almost £12,000 for ceremony fees, dress, flowers; kilt hire; photographer etc as a base line. In our area the average wedding is almost double and there are no nice country pubs etc. We'd have to travel quite a bit and are concious of our guests traveling. I looked at almost all venues in a 25 mile radius.
We earn a good wage but cannot justify spending that when we have two kids and bills.

We then came to an impasse.
I suggested a small wedding abroad but OH doesn't want to ask his parents to pay.
OH suggested a small wedding here then bigger reception, I thought that was cheeky as almost half our guests would need an overnight and we couldn't ask that of them for an evening only invite.
We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.
I suggested eloping but he, understandably, wants his family there.
We looked at mid week weddings but don't want to inconvenience our guests.
He then suggested waiting 3-4 years before planning but, imo, you get engaged to get married you don't get engaged to sit around.

We're not looking for an extravagant wedding, we are just in the unfortunate position whereby we are mid earners, limited dates and high outgoings. We also want to do right by our guests and that makes things trickier.

It seems as if we'll never agree, one of us will not get what we want and it very quickly put a dampner on a happy moment.

I know iabu, please tell me to put my big girl pants on and/or make money saving suggestions?

Get a grip.

Invite immediate family only and have a small ceremony. Book a large table or two somewhere for a nice meal out after the ceremony and pay for it. Sorted.

Honestly, you don't need anyone beyond that, you don't need a giant party to prove you're married. Your true friends and extended family will wish you well if they love you. Anyone that doesn't isn't someone worth worrying about.

Insane to go into debt for a party. ANd saving up for years is the equivalent of going into debt; think of all the things you're not getting/doing/saving for when you're putting it all into a party. And that's all a reception is.

February half term is a good option. I work in the wedding industry and you'll be able to negotiate winter discounts.

I think this one is pretty simple actually. Plan the wedding you want, within your budget and figure out your guest list. Then if your or you DPs parents want to invite more, they can cover the cost.

Do you want to be married or do you want a wedding? The prices you are quoting, particularly as you say you only have £5 in savings! As yourself if you would pay what you are quoting for any other type of party?

Madness!!

Teacher here, got married On a Sunday in Easter hols. Much cheaper. Cut out cousins? Lots of ways to cut down costs.

First of all congratulations! What a lovely Christmas for you both.

This is how we kept costs down (with twice as many guests but 13 years ago for context).

My dress was £150 pounds. The added accessories weren't more than £50. The bridesmaid dresses were less than mine. There were three bridesmaids but you could have fewer.

We hand made all our own invitations, placecards, favours and orders of service. Saved lots that way.

Didn't go for a fancy car.

Meal was buffet with served dessert and starter. It was delicious but not fancy. Everyone had lots to eat and a range of tastes were catered for but it was one of the cheaper options the hotel did. Everyone enjoyed themselves.

For the ceilidh, we used a CD and a friend called. Didn't need a DJ and had a great time.

If you talk to hotels you might find there is a range of costs for the meals they offer and there might be lots of ways to cut costs especially if you start now. We were engaged for ten months and did lots of work for the wedding ourselves in school holidays as I was also teaching.

One of our ushers booked two local youth hostels and loads of friends stayed there so it wasn't too expensive for them. Lots said afterwards that it was really fun to have a chance to catch up more the night before.

I just want to encourage you not to despair. You may find when you've had a chance to look into your options more closer that you can have a really lovely day with the people you want there without bankrupting yourselves.

And as a pp has said however thecday is its about you guys starting out your new life together so try to keep your focus on that.

Inset day?

Haven't read all the replies, skimmed through, but have a look at assembly roxy in Edinburgh, we had a diy wedding there, buffet etc it was very reasonable, I agree the others (kinkell, inchyra etc are very expensive)

Teachers have to work on inset days, they cant swan off and get married!

Yes to the INSET day. Very difficult to suit other people's requirements...

Lizs I'm not expecting his family to fund it.

I would. I would totally expect them to pay for it if they’re laying down conditions that this or that kind of cost-saving wedding doesn’t suit them.

Get married on a Friday, much fewer people will come. Also, if it's important to them they will take the time off work. We got married on a Friday and invited the top 40 people we would call if we got arrested, really nice to have a quiet wedding with those who are really close to you and then a big party in the evening.

I'll just swan off work on the inset day shall I?

One of the best weddings I went to was in a village hall. Simple registry office ceremony, then a bus was put on to take us to the hall. Bride and groom had for a massive booze run to France, so there was free wine all night, and there was a huge buffet from a local caterer with hot dishes. So much better than a stuffy venue!

Hi, my friend hired one of the youth hostels at the side of Loch Lomond. In winter you can hire the whole thing... free accomodation for your guests and a function room. Bring in caterers, a ceilidh band and your own booze. Keep partying until the wee hours and folk can fall into bed when they choose. The photos are stunning but you may want to find somewhere else for the ceremony.x

Do people seriously still believe that teachers have a jolly on INSET day?

They don't btw. We have to go in and work or attend training.

I did some wedding forums, everyone I found on there was bonkers. Mumsnet wedding forum had sensible people on it planning normal weddings with a budget.

Ditto wedding magazines and fairs. Did them once, realised they were there to make a living, not to make my day although I really really did want the ice sculpture. A friend of my mum's made our invitations who was into card craft and they were lovely.

Mumsnet persuaded me out of stuff like favours - magazines would have you believe these are vital and either cost £££ or should be handmade and slaved over for ages. Got some glass beads instead off Etsy with our initials on and scattered them about the tables - whole lot cost about £20 for loads.

Photographers at wedding fairs were also selling basic packages starting at £2K Ours were web-based and £600 for the day (2 photographers), rights to our photos, various prints and an album. Funnily enough, they had work to turn down so didn't need to go to fairs.

Music at ceremony - I would have loved a singer but they were silly money. Had BIL with his finger on the CD player instead but this way we had Pavarotti

We did a registry office wedding on a Friday morning with 30 guests (their biggest room) I this meant that only people who really mattered were invited. Was brilliant.

It is your wedding and marriage therefore no one else should have a say in the guest list, unless of course they are stumping up for the whole thing.

I'd do what friends of mine did. They told their respective parents that they were booking a family photo shoot and to meet them at X place and time and wear best clothes. From there it was a short walk to the registry office where they announced the plan to get married. Brilliant!

Look at your workplace policy on absence. Chances are you would be allowed a day off to get married, probably even paid at head’s discretion. A teacher friend did this on a Friday then had honeymoon next half term. If it was an inset day you would be even more likely to get the time off, as no classes to cover.

Some of the wedding forums on Facebook are quite useful. Rock n Roll Bride is good, also the wedding scammers page (there are a lot of scammers about on Facebook).

We had 100 guests, delicious food and loads of wine all for £6k.
We hired a barn, food was a hot buffet then bbq / firepit later. Drink was from majestic and just put out to help yourself (wine on tables, beer in a massive ice trough). Ceilidh band.
We saved on not having professional flowers, no cake, no professional photographer (friends with slr cameras did a few bits each), dress was not a “wedding” dress but a beautiful £200 dress from John Lewis.
And as I say venue was basically a barn. Decorated with fairy lights.

Congratulations!~
~
The wedding is for YOU not the guests.

We had a register office wedding, my parents, brother and his wife, my mother in law (FIL had died before then) and 6 friends. Meal in a restaurant afterwards.

That was in 1974 and we're still going strong. A wedding doesn't have to be a huge affair.

How about a DIY affair. Let the children help make things for it. (assuming they're old enough)

cunningartificer It’s very unlikely she’ll get time off for her own wedding. The policy varies from local authority to local authority, but tends to be one day’s paid leave for the wedding of a close relative with further days up to 3 at the HT’s discretion. Teachers are expected to be able to plan their own weddings somewhere within the 13 weeks’ holiday we have a year.

I'm a teacher and got married this year. I got married the day before good frida y and had an evening wedding for 80. I had decorators in for the venue and all good provided. It was 3500 total for venue good and decorators.

It is possible to do it as you want on a budget.