I know I am bu, engaged and now upset

[sailorcherries]

So yesterday OH proposed and I said yes, it was a lovely start to a lovely day.

We started talking about a wedding and agreed on summer 2019, winter 2019 or summer 2020. I teach which really narrows down available dates, if I want a few days off before and after the wedding, and unfortunately puts any potential wedding right in peak times.

We quickly realised that we probably can't afford to get married in the way we want. Having tallied up guests there is close to 100 adults and 10 children, all of who are close and not the equivalent of a great aunt twice removed. In our dates we're looking at over £7000 for a reception alone. Evening guests put that up to almost £7500 and then there are still all the other costs. We're looking at almost £12,000 for ceremony fees, dress, flowers; kilt hire; photographer etc as a base line. In our area the average wedding is almost double and there are no nice country pubs etc. We'd have to travel quite a bit and are concious of our guests traveling. I looked at almost all venues in a 25 mile radius.
We earn a good wage but cannot justify spending that when we have two kids and bills.

We then came to an impasse.
I suggested a small wedding abroad but OH doesn't want to ask his parents to pay.
OH suggested a small wedding here then bigger reception, I thought that was cheeky as almost half our guests would need an overnight and we couldn't ask that of them for an evening only invite.
We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.
I suggested eloping but he, understandably, wants his family there.
We looked at mid week weddings but don't want to inconvenience our guests.
He then suggested waiting 3-4 years before planning but, imo, you get engaged to get married you don't get engaged to sit around.

We're not looking for an extravagant wedding, we are just in the unfortunate position whereby we are mid earners, limited dates and high outgoings. We also want to do right by our guests and that makes things trickier.

It seems as if we'll never agree, one of us will not get what we want and it very quickly put a dampner on a happy moment.

I know iabu, please tell me to put my big girl pants on and/or make money saving suggestions?

I don't think your guests will mind staying overnight for a wedding. Most of the weddings we've been to have involved staying overnight close to the venue and we've seen it as an opportunity to visit a new area.

Don't worry about what other people think/ you think they think - just do what's right for you. It's your wedding. Congratulations :-) It will be the best day of your life so enjoy!

I’m also a teacher and I got married the day after Good Friday as I had a couple of days before to prepare and then the Easter holiday to recover! (Or you could go on honeymoon then) We had guests travelling from all over the country and figured that most would still get a couple of days off as it was a long weekend.

We also chose to have our wedding at a Masonic lodge (not everyone’s cup of tea I know!) as the prices were very reasonable and they didn’t charge per person for the evening buffet like a lot of places do. Our guest numbers were similar to yours.

You’ll work something out, there are ways to accommodate most of the things you want. Wedding planning is a huge stress! Good luck with it all!

12 grand is actually quite a frugal wedding. The average wedding now costs 20 grand. However it's masses if you haven't got it.

I went to a fantastic wedding that was a church wedding and then a tea. It was a fantastic tea. Wonderful sandwiches, plentifully cake, scones etc. We had champagne when we arrived, and then had tea to drink. Which worked out much cheaper than a three course meal.

I got married six years ago in the Glasgow Art Club, also in the city centre so loads of transport and accommodation options for out of town guests. The venue was amazing, neither scruffy nor intimidatingly plush and without the "wedding factory" feel you mentioned earlier! We also had a humanist ceremony.
I was like you in that DH has a large family scattered up and down the country who all would have considered it a blight on their existence not to receive an invite. We kept costs down by hiring DH and groomsmen's outfits, getting my dress online for easily a tenth of what I'd have paid at a bridal shop, having only two bridesmaids who wore regular dresses of their own choice, just in the same colour. Our rings are both heirlooms from our respective grandparents. My aunt made the centrepieces, I did my own makeup and the cake was a tower of cupcakes we ordered from M&S.
We were happy to just go home afterwards as we don't live far from the venue but DH's (awesome) cousin booked us a night in a nearby hotel as a wedding present. This, while very lovely, was absolutely not essential.
There are ways, OP. Please don't be put off by websites, which will quote you the top rate. Speak to whoever's in charge of events, they're mostly really helpful and, if the venue is not a typical "weddingy" one, will probably really want your business!
Have you considered the Mitchell Library, by the way?

Haven't RTWFT but surely going abroad and paying for his parents is cheaper than £20,000?

I can't believe that people thin, about spending this much on food for wedding guests rather than spending it on their kids or paying off a chunk of the mortgage

I'm a teacher and managed to negotiate a tiny amount of unpaid leave just before the Easter holidays. It was well worth it being unpaid as it reduced our costs way more than the income I lost.

If you've been at your school a little while and have a good relationship with your head it might get worth approaching them. I thought "if you don't ask, you don't get!"

OP I live in Scotland and my DH is a wedding photographer.

venues do not cost what you are quoting.

Go for a winter wedding and also Sunday - Thursday for a cheaper price, many venues have 'all inclusive' packages with decor, cake, dj included.

Why not look at the three kings as a venue, which I believe is near Stirlingshire. I've heard it includes cars, photographer etc etc (not my DH but still a good deal)

Your prices are crazy. You must be looking at the best, or what you think is the best, you can get things much cheaper. Eg my DH's prices range from £450 to £1200 depending on the package the bride wanted. £450 is if you wanted the ceremony only photographed, images on a disk to print and create your own albums. £1200 is 2 photographers, full day coverage, albums for you and both parents, images on a USB/disk.

So prices are dependent on what you are looking for and basically what I'm saying is re-evaluate what you want vs what you really need.

At the end of the day, you're marrying the man you love. What are people going to remember? I'd say your dress, venue location (rather than actual venue), the food, the music.

They don't remember your invites, don't care who filmed your wedding video, don't care where you got your favours from, don't care about candy buffets/chocolate fountains/fireworks/ice sculptures/bouncy castles and all the other stupid 'trends' that are going about.

Calm down. Go to a few wedding shows, think there's some in February, look at the Scottish Wedding Directory website for ideas,

HTH

Op as you are old enough to have two kids and are obviously paying for it yourselves you need to make the day about you. Honestly big weddings aren't worth it. I had over 300 people in a 5 star hotel. I enjoyed it but it was really done for my IL's sake. (They paid but I'd rather have done it my way on my tab!) The best part for me was when my dad gave me away and I saw my dh waiting for me. We could easily have done that on a beach or in a small venue. My db abs sil, on the other hand, paid for the wedding themselves and told both sets of parents they were going to invite who they wanted. They had 40 people in a small country hotel and only invited people who really cared about them. They had a lovely time. My db's MIL huffed about it but too bad.

I’m a teacher and although it was a few years ago, I wanted to keep the costs down but have what I wanted. I work at a pretty school and luckily they had a licence so had it there and paid minimal in catering (got school catering Dept to do it, although for ages I had actually wanted a bBq) also we made our own bar (wine, beer and soft drinks, but I didn’t want people to pay). We had sixty guests who had a great time (probably as they didn’t have to pay for drink) and a live band and the whole thing cost 3k I think. That included dress, hire of kilt etc. So maybe I was lucky but it can be done cheaply.

Look at a November wedding - it will be a lot cheaper and while it's nice to have the day off before to get prep done, if you know you can't have that, then you just have to focus the few weekends before to sort things.

Something has to give, the few days before off might just have to be the thing that gives.

OH knows his family won't go for that or a wedding abroad.

Then they need to contribute to that wedding or DH needs to manage their expectations

Ultimately, the planning is down to you both though - so they could offer to oay for the whole thing and invite 500 guests but id you would prefer a smaller wedding that you pay for yourselves, that's up to you

You seem panicky as you know you cant meet the expectations of wider family but once you work on the basis that their wishes are irrelevant, it's a lot simpler

We got married in a city abroad. Only had parents and siblings. We had a lovely meal in a 5 star hotel after the ceremony in the park. It was brilliant!!

We were married end of July in the summer holidays.on a Saturday. With a hotel room provided for all 30 ish guests we spent around £4000 for everything.

You say you are engaged to be married not to wait...so sounds like you want to get married so try and work out what is important....the BIG day or being husband and wife.

No one needs a £10k + wedding.

You don’t need an expensive dress , expensive wedding rings, bridesmaids, fancy cars, favours ect ect

As suggested, get married in the registry office for close family then have a party somewhere with a buffet and a DJ if you want to accommodate 100 people.

There are plenty of venues out there, I’m in Glasgow and had my reception in a bowling club, it was great! It looked a bit bare at first but once we decorated it, it looked fantastic. Everyone who was there said it was the best wedding reception they had ever been to, prob because it was so relaxed!

If you don’t want a no frills wedding fair enough, but to say you “can’t get married” is just nonsense.

PS we spent about £3500 total inc a high street wedding dress and kilt hire.

12 grand is actually quite a frugal wedding

No, it isnt.

Put simply, your partner needs to choose whether to make you happy and not spend a fortune, or make his extended family happy and your family poor.

THIS ^^

We are getting married August 2018 in Oxfordshire and we were shocked by how pricey everything was at the start! It took a long time but we are sticking to our £3000 overall budget for 80 people.

Take your time, think hard about what you both want rather than what anyone else expects!

OH! And enjoy being engaged rather than stressing straight away!

You have two DC and have lived together a good while.

I would prioritise speed (for the vital legal/financial protection) and the family finances over paying for 100 friends and family members and a traditional wedding with “all the trimmings”. You can’t afford that without detriment to yourselves / the DC.

Don't mention the word "wedding" when booking anything and you will save money.

What is happening with wedding these days? You need you, your partner, the necessary legal documents and a couple of witnesses. That's it.

But if you want more - buy yourself a lovely dress in the sales. It doesn't have to be a wedding dress. Your partner can wear smart trousers and jacket. Kilts???? Why??? If you have a lot of guests, book a church hall, have a simple buffet (you can buy in party platters from Waitrose or M&S really cheaply, and they're very good), buy cases of supermarket or online wine for a couple of toasts. You don't have to provide enough for everyone to get rat-arsed. You don't really need bridesmaids, but if you do have them, you can buy great-looking dresses very cheaply - they only need to look good once. Decide what you can afford and plan your wedding around that. You can have a lovely wedding on a small budget.

I am a teacher and you don't need the day off afterwards. It would be helpful but it's not necessary. I had the day before off to prepare, got married on the Saturday, cleaned up the Sunday and back to work Monday.
How about feb half term if you really want it in a holiday?
Look at council buildings but not necessarily registry offices. We got married in a beautiful building that would have been £££££ if privately owned. Then went to a small hotel for meal and party, basically had the run of the place.
It was £6K all in including dress, transport etc for 60 day guests going up to 80-90 in the evening.

We are both teachers but like you say, didn’t get engaged to be engaged and wanted it done and dusted within a year/six months. We got married February half term, on a Monday and all 90 people invited came. We had our reception in a nice gastro pub, dinner and booze for everyone, dress, suit, ceremony fees and rings for less than £2k.

My advice is don’t go for a traditional “venue”- find somewhere where you like the food and ask them if you can have a reception then. Dress can be brought online for a fifth of the price of a boutique.

I’m so glad we did it like we did. It was great, didn’t cost us a stupid amount of money so we brought a house quicker and our marriage is just as much a marriage as if it had cost £20k.

Start talking to friends and sign up to ‘weddings’ forums. There will be lots of couples in the same circumstances and they can offer good advice. Best wishes for a great day!