I know I am bu, engaged and now upset

[sailorcherries]

So yesterday OH proposed and I said yes, it was a lovely start to a lovely day.

We started talking about a wedding and agreed on summer 2019, winter 2019 or summer 2020. I teach which really narrows down available dates, if I want a few days off before and after the wedding, and unfortunately puts any potential wedding right in peak times.

We quickly realised that we probably can't afford to get married in the way we want. Having tallied up guests there is close to 100 adults and 10 children, all of who are close and not the equivalent of a great aunt twice removed. In our dates we're looking at over £7000 for a reception alone. Evening guests put that up to almost £7500 and then there are still all the other costs. We're looking at almost £12,000 for ceremony fees, dress, flowers; kilt hire; photographer etc as a base line. In our area the average wedding is almost double and there are no nice country pubs etc. We'd have to travel quite a bit and are concious of our guests traveling. I looked at almost all venues in a 25 mile radius.
We earn a good wage but cannot justify spending that when we have two kids and bills.

We then came to an impasse.
I suggested a small wedding abroad but OH doesn't want to ask his parents to pay.
OH suggested a small wedding here then bigger reception, I thought that was cheeky as almost half our guests would need an overnight and we couldn't ask that of them for an evening only invite.
We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.
I suggested eloping but he, understandably, wants his family there.
We looked at mid week weddings but don't want to inconvenience our guests.
He then suggested waiting 3-4 years before planning but, imo, you get engaged to get married you don't get engaged to sit around.

We're not looking for an extravagant wedding, we are just in the unfortunate position whereby we are mid earners, limited dates and high outgoings. We also want to do right by our guests and that makes things trickier.

It seems as if we'll never agree, one of us will not get what we want and it very quickly put a dampner on a happy moment.

I know iabu, please tell me to put my big girl pants on and/or make money saving suggestions?

expat We need to wait until 2019 minimum as we bought a house and had unplanned DS2 between 2016 and 2017. We had £5 in savings before Christmas, couldn't even afford the abroad wedding haha!

And I don't think it's that he wants to put his family first per say, more that he feels a lot of pressure as the first child and grandchild to get married and wants to please everyone.

Graphista I hadn't, thank you. I did discount Eglington Arms as, when I last checked, a bitter ex worked as events bar staff there on an ad hoc basis. He may be gone though!

Percy We get no entitlement for our own wedding and HT discretion for immediate family, as we can choose our own date but not that of someone else.

Gonfor mid week wedding. If your guests want to come they will take time off and plus side of naturally shortening your list

The first thing you need to know about wedding planning: you will not be able to please everyone. You also need to accept not everyone will be happy with your choices.

You can steer away from bride- and groom-zilla behaviour (wanting everything exactly the way you want it and to hell with everyone else.) But youre never going to get married if you opt for trying and failing to please everyone.

So i would work out the basics then cut your cloth to fit. So far youve identified a school holiday wedding. Dont rule out doing a short honeymoon before going away later in the year.

You're willing to save for up to 2.5 years but summer 2020 is longest you want to leave it. You need to think what you're willing to give up to save (e.g. clothes, holidays) and how much you can save. Shop around to find out what different venues cost and other costs and incidentals. And set a budget based on that. Make cut backs. There are countless bligs and websites dedicated to getting married on a budget.

Your biggest choice is small wedding in luxury venue or large number of guests somewhere less luxurious. You can compromise on this by having a small wedding with immediate family and closest friends plus a bigger 'evening do' to celebrate with everyone else.

Getting married abroad with close family and friends and having a party at home as well for everyone else is a really good way to compromise because people rarely want to use their holidays and harx earned cash to attend someone elses wedding. This way you can have the lovely wedding you want in good weather plus a party with everyone else afterwards. Guarenteed some noses out of joint but youd be damned one way or another. Look at cyprus as you can do all manner of budgets and its very anglicised for ceremony and documents and dealing with all arrangements.

Ive been to a few good uk weddings where a good large cheap venue was found (converted barn, cheap marquis on friends land, local hall: masons/church/council) and then a catering firm (hog roast, bbq, buffets) paid to do the food and combination of cheap booze plus paid bar. Look at registry offices+ conservative club/ golf club/cricket club/university halls/ conference centres. There are no end of cheaper options if large crowd is your priority. If expensive venue is your priority cut the number of guests.

Less bridesmaids/groomsmen, cheaper dresses (Debenhams, chinese knock offs), m&s cakes are good, tone down /no flowers. Groom wears smart suit but not too expensive or hire one. No favours, find a cheaper photographer. DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO PAYING WEDDING PRICES AND 'ONLY THE BEST WILL DO'

Ask yourself: do we want to be married or do we want a big posh do?

Put simply, your partner needs to choose whether to make you happy and not spend a fortune, or make his extended family happy and your family poor.

Both families can expect there to be 100+ guests. On the other hand it’s you and your OHs wedding and you can have as many guests as you can afford and wish to have. This is because it’s YOUR wedding. Work out what you both want and feel is acceptable and can afford and then ignore demands from family.

We held our reception on a Sunday, cheaper rates and no one had to take a day off work unless they wanted to stay out partying all night and have Monday off to recover!

We actually got married in a registry office beforehand in a small private ceremony

Aw sorry sailorcherries - teachers here are badly off compared to ‘the mainland’ but I hadn’t realised our conditions were better in that regard - our time off for weddings applies across NI and isn’t at the discretion of headteachers.

Oh and you will never please everybody so please yourselves and then you know that at least 2 people will be happy.

I want my children, close family and good food. Which is why I'm so down at the input from others already.

Seriously, you got engaged yesterday. Why are you even having these discussions with others? The others can go fuck themselves. HAVE WHAT YOU WANT. AND CAN REALISTICALLY PAY FOR.

They've managed the last few years with you living together, having children together and not being married at all. I'm sure they will cope.

If the ex is only there on an as hoc basis just request he not work your wedding. If you like that venue.

Your fiancé needs to get over being such a people pleaser, as several pp have said weddings = impossible to please everyone it just can't be done. So you just do the best you can within budget. Couple of relatives at mine were sniffy about buffet and that we served cava for toasts and not real champagne, they were my dads side and he pulled them to one side basically told em to build a bridge and get over it which they did.

Astrid we had those discussions because it was Christmas and we were with family who asked.

How about a pub function room? Or a bowling club? Don't mention the 'w' word and you'll get the same rates as for a 21st birthday party!
You don't need a cake, or you can make your own, with bits from Lakeland to make it pretty. Dresses are very reduced in a sample sale, and can be specialist dry cleaned if necessary. Florists do very good package deals if you search. Try students for photography and pipers - you'll still have to pay them but much less.

If you are in Scotland then you can get married wherever you want and hire a nearby pub's function room.

Get married on your fave beach/ in fave park and then have a buffet in the nearest nice pub's functionroom

We got married on a Friday and provided a wedding breakfast for 50 guests afterwards and then went to Bournemouth for 5 days in lovely hotel with sea view. It was a summer wedding. Including cake rings photographer reception our two outfits flowers and taxis it cost £1.5k. it was the best day of our lives and everyone said they thoroughly enjoyed it.

Use the church hall. Get some caterers in for afternoon tea. Be creative. Make your own invites. Make your own cake. Decorate your own car up. Get married late so you only need to feed people once.

Congratulations OP

We were similar to you - a LOT of relatives/friends who we felt we really wanted to be there.
Like others have suggested, we quickly discounted hotels/posh venues and decided that the only possibly option was a large village hall, relatively simply buffet and nothing else fancy.
Having the people there was the main priority. Not how else we celebrated.

OP as others have said, you might have to do things differently. I married a teacher, what we did was:

• get married on a week day at a registry office in half term. Parents only in attendance (but really as this is just the legal bit you don't have to invite anyone and have random witnesses). We went for lunch in a nice hotel after.
• months later we hired a room in the same hotel, asked a friend to "marry" us in front of all the guests and then had a buffet and a party (cost £3k)
• I bought my dress in the sales, no bridesmaids, flowers etc. Bought table centre pieces in sales after Christmas (ex Christmas decorations). Bought matching ties for men in both families, OH wore a suit he'd bought for a wedding the previous year. We paid for a photograher (just getting established so was cheaper than some) and hired an extra room and children's entertainers for a few hours (cost £1.5k)

We had 100 guests. I don't think it looked like we'd done it on the cheap.

We then had our honeymoon later in the year.

It can be done, but you need to go and look around venues and talk to the staff about different options.

I don't think YABU, I think you are just establishing the joys -pains-- of wedding planning.

I also found that I'd given a lot more thought to wedding planning that my future DH so he took a bit longer to give up his unrealistic ideas as I'd discounted them a while ago before I'd even met him We also had arguments of his family (bigger) vs mine (smaller). All settled by the day but not on basis of biggest gets most guests.

Generally, wedding planning for me was a mixture of fun, and a quick way to have lots of arguments with a lot of people in a short period of time.

I think you are absolutely on the right track to decide that once you are engaged, you get on with it and get married. DH and I got engaged at New Year and got married in the August. No point dragging it out.

Set a budget, it will slip a bit. Decide a very short list of must haves - eg date, VIP guests, humanist ceremony. And work from there.

Your DH-to-be will get with it as he sees what everything costs - he may well like Cousin Susan but does he £150 a head like Cousin Susan? Probably not.

I did no time off beforehand to maximize honeymoon-time, wedding on Sunday as lower venue costs, short guest list to enable sit down meal (one of our must dos), loads of DIY, minimal flowers, no cars, v cheap photography package - never looked at the photos and knew I wouldn't, dress was from wedding shop but marketed as bridesmaid's. They are way cheaper and look exactly the same as bridal. Did own hair and makeup from Youtube tutorials.

If I did it again not planning to we would do quick registry office with parents as witnesses and then a self designed humanist service to give complete freedom over the service and day, using family members as celebrants. Appreciate having humanist option in Scotland is a bonus but we found it difficult in UK having options limited in Civil Service eg choices of music - all our favourite music was religious for example.

Hotel packages can be cheap especially in autumn and winter. Half terms could possibly work with a honeymoon in the next school holidays?

Yes! Bowling clubs or Masonic lodges are a good bet

My pals got married in their local park and have a buffet in the local Masonic lodge after

We aren't considering school holidays for honeymoon purposes, that would be as and when.

But thank you for your input everyone x

I once went to a wedding reception in a school hall. Ordinary state school, that is. Any chance you could use yours?

Congratulations. What about getting married and skipping the wedding breakfast and moving straight to the reception after photographs? This way you'll save a bucket of money and everyone gets to see you get married and is fed. Unfortunately you won't be able to please everyone, it's your wedding day, have the one YOU want and have no regrets

Oh and totally what ZenNudist said.

Being Bridezilla or Groomzilla and ignoring the needs of your guests, mugging your parents for money or going into masses of debt for 1 day is awful.

But you can't please everyone on your wedding day and the sooner you realize this in your planning, the more heartache you will save yourself.

I had this fantastic advice from Mumsnet when I was planning mine, and frankly it kept me sane and my guests happy on the day.