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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws disorganisation

87 replies

ToffeePennie · 26/12/2017 07:27

The in laws were due on Christmas Eve to visit here. We decided not to go to them as the children have been unwell and therefore we didn’t want them outside in the cold to go to their grandparents. This is the only opportunity they will get to see these grandchildren for about 3 weeks as they leave for sils place tomorrow.
We should have been to see them at 10am until around 4pm. Instead I told them to come at midday and leave around 6pm, that way I could cook a meal and they could do their family’s Christmas Eve traditions with the children.
As it turns out they didn’t arrive until 4:45pm because they had to do their Christmas shopping and wrapping all their gifts.
Our oldest child actuallly cried to sil and dn because grandparents weren’t here after his nap as promised.
When they did show up: mil acted all “pathetic” and hard done by. She kept saying that this was her first proper meal all day, that she’s not had a drink all day, that she’s been so busy with work, she’s not stopped doing things all week. She’s exhausted and she’s not sure how she’s going to manage. This is her usual tactic to stop dh getting angry with her, because he will excuse her behaviour if she acts like this. (Dh is actually really angry with them both and her moping has done nothing but spoil the atmosphere)
I can’t help but he disgusted by their behaviour. We haven’t said anything yet because it’s christmas but their lack of organisation is really starting to have bigger impacts on our children and I’m seriously doubting if we want them in our lives if they are going to repeatedly upset the children in this manner.
This is not a one off but myself and dh thought they would be much more sensible around Christmas - especially as they have grandchildren whom they adore.
So Aibu to be absolutely fuming with them and what would you do in that situation?

OP posts:
thewavesofthesea · 26/12/2017 07:31

Sorry, but YABU. Yes, she didn’t need to be dramatic about it but it was you who changed the plans in the first place. Unless they were really ill there was no need not to take them out. They could have put a coat on!!

Situp · 26/12/2017 07:32

YANBU. To turn up 5 hours late for a Christmas meal is rude.

However, if they are always like this, you are better off focusing on managing your kids' expectations rather than trying to change their behaviour. We 've a friend with a son the same age as our DS and she is often late or cancels at the last minute. Our son actually calls it a xxx arrangement when We plan something with them so he understands it may not happen as planned.

A pain I know but easier than trying to change her behaviour.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/12/2017 07:33

I dunno maybe she is exhausted; you changed original plans; annoying behaviour but very strong reaction by you to want to cut them out over it.

Did they let you know they'd be late?

Hoppinggreen · 26/12/2017 07:36

You changed things because you didn’t want to take your children out in the cold because they HAD been ill. If they are ok now there’s no reason for you not to have gone and you sound a bit melodramatic.
Having said that sounds like they have form so perhaps yanbu

Situp · 26/12/2017 07:36

Actually, I would revise my original post . It does depend on when arrangements were changed, whether it was a concrete plan and whether they let you know.

Original poster
ToffeePennie · 26/12/2017 07:39

To clarify: our oldest child has both chest and ear infections, both of which a course of antibiotics have been prescribed for. The doctors suggestion is to stay indoors and keep ears and chest covered.
Our youngest child has been in hospital recovering from bronchitis, a chest infection and sepsis. We are very lucky as we came out of hospital in time for Christmas but the doctors have again suggested we do not leave the house for a week or so to ensure the infections have properly started to clear up. When it became obvious we wouldn’t be able to attend their house, we called and agreed to a change of plan (Wednesday) so it’s not as if they’ve not had much notice.
I also feel let down as if we had been to their house on time, they wouldn’t have been in as they’d have been Christmas shopping!!

OP posts:
NeverTooOldForAnything · 26/12/2017 07:40

You were originally supposed to go to them at 10 am, yet they couldn't get to yours until nearly 5pm because they were shopping?

Yes that is bizarre!

onalongsabbatical · 26/12/2017 07:41

She kept saying that this was her first proper meal all day, that she’s not had a drink all day, that she’s been so busy with work, she’s not stopped doing things all week. She’s exhausted and she’s not sure how she’s going to manage. Perhaps if someone took her seriously and listened to her a bit she'd stop sounding so endlessly hard done by. She sounds as if she's suffering from some kind of chronic distress and that no-one bothers to consider the possibility that maybe she IS exhausted and overwhelmed. Just an idea.

thewavesofthesea · 26/12/2017 07:44

Slight drip feed there!!!!

In that context I can see why you changed plans. However even if you changed plans for legitimate reasons they may not have been prepared for it. She might be exhausted; lots of people are at this time of year. I think you are being a little melodramatic to suggest that you don’t see them because they are disorganised.

Ilovetolurk · 26/12/2017 07:45

I see why it’s annoying but doubting whether you want them in your children’s lives is seriously OTT unless there’s more to come

Original poster
ToffeePennie · 26/12/2017 07:46

They did not inform us they would be late. We tried calling them when they hadn’t arrived several times but the calls were either ignored or they had no service (we live rurally and as such there is patchy signal at best in some places) so we also text and whatsapped them to find out when they expected to arrive.
Eventually dh got through to them and asked what time - they said “3:00pm” so we agreed to wait with them.
When they hadn’t shown by 3:30pm hubby started calling them again.
There was no further communication regarding their arrival.

OP posts:
DivisionBelle · 26/12/2017 07:47

They are disorganised and exhausted (you say MIL is working, so actually I am not surprised), and you are having a bad time.

Totally over the top to even think of ‘not having them in your lives’ ! Good grief!

thewavesofthesea · 26/12/2017 07:47

And if someone had told me on Wednesday I needed to be somewhere on Christmas Eve I certainly wouldn’t have been able to sort it by then. Not because I am disorganised, but because I was at work had other things planned in the meantime!

KERALA1 · 26/12/2017 07:47

Being 4 hours late when someone cooking for you is super rude unless genuine reason (traffic chaos).

That said you can't change their behaviour just how you react to it not worth falling out over.

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/12/2017 07:48

I somewhat share the Hmm about not taking the kids out in the cold because they're ill, but still thinking they're up for 6 hours of visiting from family. But your AIBU isn't really about that so unless that possibly has some bearing on why your PIL behaved the way they did (i.e. they had reason to think your request to change was so self-centred they decided to treat you similarly?) I would say YANBU at all.

You were supposed to be at their house from 10 - 4 on the 24th and asked instead that they come to your for noon - 6, but they went Christmas shopping instead. I know you changed the plans but I can't see how that makes it OK that they went Christmas shopping in that time frame. What would they have done about the things they needed to buy if you'd come to them instead? Left you in their house while they went out? You went to the trouble of preparing a meal for them which they had agreed to attend and they just ditched you. Then they turned up and played hard done by. Sound like incredibly self-centred people. But as I mentioned above - your own behaviour is possibly kind of in the same vein (though I would say at a lower level).

DivisionBelle · 26/12/2017 07:48

Are you seriously still steaming 2 days later?

You do seem to think being grandparents to your kids is the main function of their existence.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 26/12/2017 07:49

Wow. Dramatic much!

DoculamentDoculament · 26/12/2017 07:50

You're considering cutting them out of your lives because they were late?

God you sound awful.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 26/12/2017 07:54

OP you sound shockingly rude and precious.

pictish · 26/12/2017 07:55

Hmm...I think turning up that late with with no communication or apology was quite remiss but I also think you're being overly dramatic on a few points as well. You don't cut off grandparents from their grandchildren because they were late for Christmas dinner fgs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2017 07:56

We are now nc with brother and sil for other reasons. But they’re flaky like this. After seeing my dd very upset a couple of times at not seeing her little cousin, we stopped telling her about their visits until they’d confirmed they were on their way. Now dd is older (9) she’s more resilient and has come to terms with no longer having contact with her cousin. Sad but necessary to protect both of us as brother is violent, sil is vile.

I suggest you use this as a learning experience. Don’t expect them to come let alone be on time. Don’t tell your dcs. Plate up their food if it makes you feel a better host and bung it in the microwave if they arrive.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/12/2017 07:58

Your mil sounds quite downtrodden - she acts like that so your dh doesn't get angry with her?? What a lovely son she has Confused

Believeitornot · 26/12/2017 07:59

Your dh needs to express his feelings to them, as do you. Ignore the MIL dramatics.

Also did you clarify they were happy with the revised arrangement?

Finally if they’re disorganised - then you let them explain to their grandchildren why they are late “mummy isn’t sure, ask granny”.

Believeitornot · 26/12/2017 07:59

Your mil sounds quite downtrodden - she acts like that so your dh doesn't get angry with her?? What a lovely son she has

I read it differently. She’s not letting her son express his feelings and making it all about poor her!

gamerwidow · 26/12/2017 08:00

I can’t believe the grief the OP is getting. Her children have been very ill over the last week her youngest so much so he was hospitalised yet she has still managed to shop for and cook and special lunch so that the children’s grandparents could spend time with their DGC. Of course she’s pissed off that in these circumstances the GP couldn’t get their shit together to see their GC.
If any of you genuinely wouldn’t be pissed off that someone turned up over 4 hours late with a shit excuse in these circumstances then you should probably be entered for sainthood or something.

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