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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws disorganisation

87 replies

ToffeePennie · 26/12/2017 07:27

The in laws were due on Christmas Eve to visit here. We decided not to go to them as the children have been unwell and therefore we didn’t want them outside in the cold to go to their grandparents. This is the only opportunity they will get to see these grandchildren for about 3 weeks as they leave for sils place tomorrow.
We should have been to see them at 10am until around 4pm. Instead I told them to come at midday and leave around 6pm, that way I could cook a meal and they could do their family’s Christmas Eve traditions with the children.
As it turns out they didn’t arrive until 4:45pm because they had to do their Christmas shopping and wrapping all their gifts.
Our oldest child actuallly cried to sil and dn because grandparents weren’t here after his nap as promised.
When they did show up: mil acted all “pathetic” and hard done by. She kept saying that this was her first proper meal all day, that she’s not had a drink all day, that she’s been so busy with work, she’s not stopped doing things all week. She’s exhausted and she’s not sure how she’s going to manage. This is her usual tactic to stop dh getting angry with her, because he will excuse her behaviour if she acts like this. (Dh is actually really angry with them both and her moping has done nothing but spoil the atmosphere)
I can’t help but he disgusted by their behaviour. We haven’t said anything yet because it’s christmas but their lack of organisation is really starting to have bigger impacts on our children and I’m seriously doubting if we want them in our lives if they are going to repeatedly upset the children in this manner.
This is not a one off but myself and dh thought they would be much more sensible around Christmas - especially as they have grandchildren whom they adore.
So Aibu to be absolutely fuming with them and what would you do in that situation?

OP posts:

pictish · 26/12/2017 08:01

It does seem as though you expect your in laws Christmas to revolve entirely around your kids.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2017 08:03

I’m reading it your way too Believeitornot.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 26/12/2017 08:03

How old is your MIL and what type of job and how many hours does she do it for?

Original poster

ToffeePennie · 26/12/2017 08:04

She is absolutely not downtrodden! She will have eaten and drunk as normal (possibly more than normal) and somehow managed to come round with a proper bounce to her step when she walked up the drive, it was once she saw the children she put on the hangdog expression and the excuses started. My dh is incredibly kind hearted and good natured, he is so rarely cross with anyone, which is why she does it - she knows full well if he’s even vaguely upset she can get around him by acting dramatic.
I think I may do exactly as has been suggested and use this as a learning curve.
They were 100% happier with us doing it this way around: in mils words “oh good you can cook then” so she obvsiouly wasn’t too upset by the change in plan.

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/12/2017 08:05

I don't think people are saying they wouldn't be pissed off gamerwidow. I would be but what's trumping that reaction for me is the OP suggesting they cut the grandparents out of their lives over it. Such melodrama.

DoculamentDoculament · 26/12/2017 08:05

I would be annoyed yes but no I wouldn't be 'disgusted' 'fuming' and considering cutting GPs out of our lives because they're disorganised.

Ridiculously self-absorbed.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2017 08:06

Well said gamer.

Toffee. I hope your children recover soon. I can understand why you’re contemplating nc actually. Even though your children are really poorly and you’ve all had a terrible time, your mil and fil have managed to make it all about them.

GnomeDePlume · 26/12/2017 08:06

YANBU to be upset by this as it can suggest that you are low on their priority list. This is not necessarily their perception. How are they generally with time management? Do they have a tendency to try and fit one more task in than the time can manage?

DPiL did this to us once (but not around Christmas). Due to arrive at around 2pm, eventually rocked up about 6pm. An acquaintance had called on them and they had got caught up in the moment.

It didnt help that we are quite punctual people and they were a bit unpunctual at the best of times so the clash of expectations probably felt worse to us.

DH had discrete words with them and they never did it again.

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 26/12/2017 08:08

I wouldn't take my DC out if they were that ill either. I too can't work out what they'd have done if you'd turned up at 10. Left you in the house while they went shopping? It was extremely rude to be 4 hours late and not keep in touch. Surely only one person drives at a time? The other can ring or text?

Winebottle · 26/12/2017 08:11

It is rude to be late but some people are like that and there are ways to deal with it.

If your kids can't cope with people being late they need to toughen up. Failing that, manage their expectations better.

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 26/12/2017 08:11

I have a very very ill adult son. If anyone had pulled this when he was little they'd have definitely been cut out of my life.

Original poster

ToffeePennie · 26/12/2017 08:13

My mother in law is in her 60s. She works in a shop usually from 10am to 6pm. This is entirely their fault as they are terrible with money and cannot manage to afford their mortgage without working. My husband and I have paid for them repeatedly throughout the years - paying tv, gas, water, electric, paying the mortgage some months. They owe thousands in debt and no matter how much we try we cannot get them to see that their financial situation is dire.
This year we simply cannot afford to spend the extra money on them every month (because we normally get a call once a month about some bill they need to pay) so we have stopped paying their way - it’s even tougher for them now but there is no way we can afford to keep paying out for their bills.
This happens a lot - their disorganisation has meant they were late to our wedding (we delayed and ended up paying a hefty fine) they are late getting to work, late getting to parties and events. I believe at this point they will be late to their own funerals.
However up to Christmas Eve; their lateness has never impacted our children.

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/12/2017 08:15

Well now they sound like a total drain on you financially and emotionally. It would have been good to have had all that info in the opening post.

Original poster

ToffeePennie · 26/12/2017 08:17

I apologise: it would have been an awfully long opening post!

OP posts:

onalongsabbatical · 26/12/2017 08:20

I think that's known in these parts as a 'massive drip feed', OP!

restbiterepeat · 26/12/2017 08:36

When people are chronically disorganised then you need to change your expectations. From here on in, I wouldn't give your children a firm time on their grandparents turning up and I wouldn't change any meal times around them but just keep something quick to turn up in the fridge when they do arrive. You need to stop taking this personally. Clearly there is not one area in their life that isn't compromised by this disorganisation.

GnomeDePlume · 26/12/2017 08:37

This sounds like it's the straw which broke the camel's back). If you do decide to take a step back from them (and I wouldn't blame you) don't be surprised if there is a lot of weeping and wailing about how hard their lives are and how none of it it's their fault.

bastardkitty · 26/12/2017 08:45

I would stop accommodating them and feeling resentful about it. Don't help them financially. This is enabling behaviour and don't make arrangements to see them for meals and things because they will dick you around and you will feel resentful. Make casual arrangements - we might see you on x day - text before you come. Don't sit around waiting. Get on with your life. Don't tell your children. You are trying to have a regular relationship with them and they are not up for that. I would have been very angry at their behaviour. It was pathetic. But I'm guessing it wasn't exactly a surprise.

Thetreesareallgone · 26/12/2017 08:47

It is disappointing when children are expecting someone, and they don't come for ages, it's difficult because on the one hand you want them to be excited about their grandparents visiting, but on the other hand, you know they are not reliable.

I think downgrade your expectations, and keep contact short and on your own terms.

Chocfingers · 26/12/2017 08:50

It might have been a long OP but it would have stopped you earning the title of MN Drip Feeder of 2017!

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 26/12/2017 08:51

YABU. Your DMIL didn’t need to be quite so pathetic but you did change the plans. Agree with others, you aren’t going to change her and going NC would be so very dramatic from you. Just concentrate on managing your DCs expectations. If the DC say what time are they coming say something like “Well, they said they’d be here for lunch so we’re hoping they’ll be here before you go to bed” and smile.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 26/12/2017 08:56

Just seen your other posts. Yes, you’re definitely up for drip-feeder of the year!

Have you told them calmly that you are no longer bailing them out and suggest they go to CAB to get themselves a little help?

If my DC had chest infections, there is no way on earth I’d be asking DGPs around over Christmas, it’s too much of a risk to the DGPS health. I’d have a quiet one at home and have a nice time with them once the DC had recovered.

sarahjconnor · 26/12/2017 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clutterbugsmum · 26/12/2017 09:01

Sounds like you and dh need to have a discussion about how you are going to manage going forward and not paying any of their bills. It's time for them to learn to be grown up and prioritise their bills over the fun things they spend their money on. As in every time they ring to say they want/demand don't have the money to pay what ever bill/mortgage repeat NO we can't afford to give you any money. Do not apologise for it just be matter of fact.

I suspect they think they are above you and everyone else and that is why they are late to anything as their time and doing what they want is the more important.

If you invite them over for a meal again and they don't arrive when expected then eat, plate theirs up if you must personally I wouldn't. If they say anything tell then dinner was at xx time so you had dinner, the fact that once again they didn't let you know they would be 3 hours late then tough that what happens.

Your In laws are so used to doing what they want, when they want and every one pandering to them they have no reason to change.

Wishingandwaiting · 26/12/2017 09:03

Seriously. This is annoying. However this is what your children to see? Their mother “fuming” because their grandparents were late. How the heck do you behave when the shot really hits the fan? Probably implode.

No denying,annoying. But you try to squash the annoyance and embrace the good, not wallow in annoyance and anger.

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