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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws disorganisation

87 replies

ToffeePennie · 26/12/2017 07:27

The in laws were due on Christmas Eve to visit here. We decided not to go to them as the children have been unwell and therefore we didn’t want them outside in the cold to go to their grandparents. This is the only opportunity they will get to see these grandchildren for about 3 weeks as they leave for sils place tomorrow.
We should have been to see them at 10am until around 4pm. Instead I told them to come at midday and leave around 6pm, that way I could cook a meal and they could do their family’s Christmas Eve traditions with the children.
As it turns out they didn’t arrive until 4:45pm because they had to do their Christmas shopping and wrapping all their gifts.
Our oldest child actuallly cried to sil and dn because grandparents weren’t here after his nap as promised.
When they did show up: mil acted all “pathetic” and hard done by. She kept saying that this was her first proper meal all day, that she’s not had a drink all day, that she’s been so busy with work, she’s not stopped doing things all week. She’s exhausted and she’s not sure how she’s going to manage. This is her usual tactic to stop dh getting angry with her, because he will excuse her behaviour if she acts like this. (Dh is actually really angry with them both and her moping has done nothing but spoil the atmosphere)
I can’t help but he disgusted by their behaviour. We haven’t said anything yet because it’s christmas but their lack of organisation is really starting to have bigger impacts on our children and I’m seriously doubting if we want them in our lives if they are going to repeatedly upset the children in this manner.
This is not a one off but myself and dh thought they would be much more sensible around Christmas - especially as they have grandchildren whom they adore.
So Aibu to be absolutely fuming with them and what would you do in that situation?

OP posts:
LazyDailyMailJournos · 26/12/2017 09:08

I really do dislike the whole 'drip feed' brigade. Are we seriously reaching the stage where unless a poster has covered off every aspect of their lives, that we can't respond to their question? OP said in her opening post that her kids were ill - why is it a drip feed to later explain (in response to a question) what the illnesses were? Why should she have to give full details of the medical conditions?! Likewise she said MIL was dramatic - is it necessary to go into the full financial backstory?

I genuinely think there are some people on here who forget the fact that you are responding to someone IRL. The anonymity of a keyboard does not give you carte blanche to poke your nose into every aspect of people's lives.

And as for silly comments like "Dripfeeder of 2017" - really? What a helpful thing to say to someone who is upset and has posted asked for advice.

OP, YANBU.

restbiterepeat · 26/12/2017 09:08

I suspect they think they are above you and everyone else and that is why they are late to anything as their time and doing what they want is the more important.

This is such a toxic interpretation of the situation. There are lots of reasons why someone may come to be permanently disorganised that don't pivot on a superiority complex.

(I'm always early for everything, I cannot abide being late, which I'm adding only so you don't think I'm excusing my own behaviour.)

SeraphinaDombegh · 26/12/2017 09:12

Regardless of the other issues around the PiL, anyone who can't understand why the OP was angry about them being that late (for such a selfish reason) clearly hasn't had to deal with parents or in-laws who are habitually unreliable to this level. I have. It's maddening. And no, she's probably not outwardly 'fuming' enough for her DC to see it - you tend to try to protect your children from seeing that stuff. OP, I have a lot of sympathy. Speaking from experience, I'd suggest that you need to stop enabling their financial disorganisation (you've already started this, well done!) and accept that this is the way they are and not make plans that revolve around them turning up on time. Flowers

Loonoonow · 26/12/2017 09:14

We teach people how to treat us. They can be late because experience has taught them you will delay things for them. Just crack on. If they are late for dinner, start without them or keep some on a plate in the oven for them. My husband is a very poor timekeeper but he is now never late for flights or golf tee-off times because bitter experience has taught him that those are two things that won't wait for him.

If you know they are unreliable don't tell your DC to expect them at a certain time. That's settting them up for disappointment. Just let the GPs arriving be a nice surprise when it happens.

It is very dramatic to suggest that having no contact with grandparents who love them would be better for your DC than the current situation. You can't change the GPs but you can manage your own and your DCs expectations better.

quirkychick · 26/12/2017 09:21

What bastardkitty said, with people who are chaotic, you need to manage your expectations, don't make a firm arrangement or given them 30mins leeway and then plated up. I agree it's incredibly annoying, but discussing this with your dh and agreeing a way to deal with them in future, no bailing out financially, do your own thing, if they see you they do, if not it's their loss, try not to get sucked into it. How annoying that your mil pulled the martyr behaviour too.

2sly4you · 26/12/2017 09:27

It's annoying but this sort of shit is what Christmas is really about. You don't need to cut them off or anything. At least, not for this.

Longtime · 26/12/2017 09:40

You were supposed to be at their house from 10 - 4 on the 24th and asked instead that they come to your for noon - 6, but they went Christmas shopping instead. I know you changed the plans but I can't see how that makes it OK that they went Christmas shopping in that time frame. What would they have done about the things they needed to buy if you'd come to them instead? Left you in their house while they went out?

I’m with Boom on this.

YouTheCat · 26/12/2017 09:43

Did some people miss the bit about the OP's kids being ill and one of them only just out of hospital? In those circumstances the ils absolutely should work around them. OP has been advised to keep the children in.

If the original plans had been kept to what's the betting that the ils wouldn't have managed to rustle up any kind of meal or presents anyway.

StrangeLookingParasite · 26/12/2017 09:46

You're considering cutting them out of your lives because they were late?

FIVE hours late, for a meal, on Christmas day. This is not trivial.

God you sound awful.

Oh she bloody well does not.

God, some of these saintly types, who would apparently make themselves doormats for anyone to wipe their feet on, just astonish me.

DivisionBelle · 26/12/2017 09:46

LazyDM: the drip feed was that they also expect the OP and her DH to pay their household bills every month by when too disorganised to save / pay.

RTFT, eh? Wink

Personally my MN irritation is dismissing people as a ‘brigade’.

DivisionBelle · 26/12/2017 09:48

They were late on Christmas Eve, not Christmas Day.

YouTheCat · 26/12/2017 09:54

Makes no difference what day it was. It could have been the middle of June and it would still have been a shitty way to behave.

Notevilstepmother · 26/12/2017 09:54

I think the best thing to do in future is invite them for much earlier than you want them and make a family joke of it. Don’t cook a special meal that requires timings, just have buffet type food plated up for them and carry on with your life and mealtimes as normal. Don’t let yourself get upset and don’t give the children a time that they are coming, then there is no upset.

In the end they are your children’s grandparents and they are disorganised all round, it’s not that they make an effort for everyone except you. Cutting them out would be an over reaction.

They should have gone shopping earlier but didn’t, so they had a choice of being late or having no presents to give, so they went to get presents. It probably took a lot longer than they thought, as disorganised people tend to have a very poor idea of how long things actually take. Not answering the phone and her behaviour on arrival is probably shame based.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 26/12/2017 09:55

LazyDM: the drip feed was that they also expect the OP and her DH to pay their household bills every month by when too disorganised to save / pay.
RTFT, eh

I did read the thread, thanks. What difference does the financial information make to OP's original question, which was whether SWBU to be angry about the impact the ILs lack of organisation was having on her DC at Christmas?

The OP only gave the information about the financial back story in response to comments and questions from posters about how MIL must have some extenuating circumstances to excuse her behaviour. To me that is not 'drip feeding' - it's responding to questions and a natural evolution of a thread. Again is it realistic for someone to have to include every detail of the history of their relationship with their MIL before they can get a reasoned response?

You can't win on here: Try and keep things concise and you're accused of drip feeding. Include every tiny detail and you get a barrage of 'TL:DR' responses....

DoculamentDoculament · 26/12/2017 09:55

They were late for a visit. Yes it is trivial.

StrangeLookingParasite · 26/12/2017 09:58

Being five hours late is not trivial.

DoculamentDoculament · 26/12/2017 10:00

I think it is. You don't. People have different opinions.

furryous · 26/12/2017 10:04

OP I feel for you - my DM is ECAXTLY like this. Terribly disorganised, can't prioritise, late for everything and seems not to care about the impact her actions have on other people. Then all her conversation revolves around how hard she is not working, how tired she is, how hard done by she is.

It's exhausting to watch and when I lived with her and knew this was all lies and excuses I got very fed up of it. If I invited her to Christmas at mine (I haven't yet) I would either tell her a time earlier than it was or just carry on the day, eating etc, without her. People like this use lateness and drama as a former if control. Don't rise to it.

dailyshite · 26/12/2017 10:21

You sound like hard work.

Yes it's frustrating but if it's as consistent as you suggest it is, why are you expecting them to do anything differently?

People are different, not everyone has to do things the way that you want them to. Sometimes people are busy and changing plans at the last minute has an impact on them.

Let it go.

theEagleIsLost · 26/12/2017 10:24

When people are chronically disorganised then you need to change your expectations. From here on in, I wouldn't give your children a firm time on their grandparents turning up and I wouldn't change any meal times around them but just keep something quick to turn up in the fridge when they do arrive.

^^ This.

I found not telling my children when my parents were coming made for a more peaceful visit - they'd often be late as what ever I said they went shopping first- didn't spend whole morning with them glued to the window. When they got older this was less necessary.

Faking · 26/12/2017 10:31

You are both out of order. As you were originally going to them; maybe the in-laws plan was to do a last minute shop & get it sorted while you were en-route.

And, just a thought, but as a previous poster said, maybe she is exhausted. Maybe she hadn't eaten all day due to the change of plan.

However, she does sound like a bad time-keeper and I'm sure it wasn't nice for your children to have to wait longer than expected. But, still...🙄

Lower your expectations or cut them out.

YouTheCat · 26/12/2017 10:33

Faking, unless there is something we're missing, I don't see how the mother can be more exhausted than the OP, given that one of the OP's children has just got out of hospital and both of them are ill enough not to be able to go out.

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 26/12/2017 10:58

Here's an original idea: maybe the OP AND her mother are BOTH exhausted, for different reasons. It's not a competition. Maybe listening to each other and empathising would help, OP? Won't change anything, ie your children will still have been ill, and your mother will still have arrived late.

Just a thought ... what help/support do your respective DHs provide, in this scenario?

Original poster
ToffeePennie · 26/12/2017 11:06

My husband used to be a total doormat (he paid their sky bill of £65 every month whilst we were struggling to pay our rent - on top of the surprise “the baliffs coming round can you pay for the x bill” phone calls. I didn’t know about this and stopped him from paying it in August last year)
He has got to the point where he is so incredibly annoyed with them because of their attitude towards us (treating us as an atm) that every conversation is very strained.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 26/12/2017 11:06

Sounds purposeful to me tbh

If you were supposed to be there Xmas eve surely they would have had everything ready for you?

So how when plans changed was there suddenly so much to do she couldn't get there on time despite the fact she had nothing to do as it was you doing the catering etc?

Your kids were ill I'd not have dragged them about either.

Does she play the stressed out downtrodden martyr when you go to hers?