To not want ex to take just one DC away to visit his family?

[Gottagetthroughthis17]

Just that really. He wants to take our 5 year old to visit family which is a 3 hour drive away each way. He took her last time, which was fine, but he wants to take her again which means leaving out youngest (3 yo) again. 3yo won't go as she is really attached to me at the moment and she would be upset.

I don't want him to take 5yo. His argument is his family don't get to see the kids. He could have arranged it ages ago and perhaps I could have gone along and stayed in a hotel nearby whilst his family see both kids together. but he is now angry that he can't take eldest. He only asked me tonight. Wants to go in 2 days.

We have only just split up (still living in same house). Aibu?

You are mixing up a whole host of different things here. He is BU to expect to be able to take a child at a moment's notice, but he is NBU to ask if it's possible. He is NBU to take just one child if the other does not want to go. He is BU to favour one child over the other, but he could do different things with each according to their needs, he doesn't have to (shouldn't) treat them exactly the same. He is NBU to want to spend time with his children one-on-one (and neither would you be). He is (again) BU to favour one child over the other and he is BU to not learn how to cope with both at once - but he may need support for this since one of them is very attached to you.

You say he's always favoured the eldest child and it's one of the reasons you split up. For your kids' sake, I think you need to look at how to bolster his relationship with the younger child. I don't think you would BU to insist he took them out on their own equally in the general course of things, but when the youngest is only 3, I think you're being unfair to your oldest to get in the way of her developing a relationship with her grandparents when the opportunity arises unless it's going to get in the way of something you already have planned.

Thank you italiangreyhound - a voice of reason at last. You have posted on some of my threads before (nc) and i appreciated your kind words then and now.

Things aren't always black and white.

I will get proper arrangements sorted as soon as I can. First thing is he needs to move out, and then he will hopefully get a job. Once that happens we can arrange formal contact arrangements. Until then we can ad hoc.

It's not grandparents it's a cousin and her boyfriend. Possibly his aunt if she's about too. Not that it makes a difference I guess.

I think BoomBooms summed it up really nicely.

I think the problem was that you posed one issue and ended up dripfeeding a whole lot of issues. From what you said in your OP - he was not BU, but other factors nuance the situation.

Either way you need to work on your relationship (not romantically, but amicably) so that you can function for the kids.

Yes tabby you're right. I have tried to work on things for the last few years. Unfortunately he seems unwilling to see anything than his point of view, so I don't think our chances for future communication is great now that we are splitting. So yes, will get arrangements sorted asap and will limit communication as he is a mind fuck.

I'm going to sleep now, it's been a long day. A lovely day with the children, but a long one all the same.

Think @BoomBoomsCousin is spot on.

These are the choices

1. He goes with both girls. He can't handle them both and dd2 can't handle being without you. Dd1 has a good time.

2. He goes alone and has a good time. Dd2 happy to be with you. Dd1 loses out.

3. He takes dd1 and has a good time. Dd1 has a good time. Dd2 happy to be with you. Everyone wins.

4. does not solve the major problems of his favouritism, not planning ahead and not being able to cope with both girls on his own bit the 27th is just over a day away so those problems wouldn't get sorted anyway. You wouldn't be unreasonable to insist on more notice in future in particular and a discussion on how to deal with dd2's clinginess.

Just read your other thread that you linked to and I can totally see that this situation on this thread it just a part of a much bigger, messier picture.

In your shoes, if you can afford it, I would agree to the trip and you go too. I would not want him taking one child, or both children, off for two days in the middle of your break up. It's messy and complicated and confusing for the kids.

I'd go too, play nice if you can for the two days and then he can move out when you get back. I really would get your parents or someone round to help him move out. You may need to support him a tiny bit simply to get him out. It doesn't seem fair but he is the father or your kids and you don;t feel happy or safe living with him anymore, so there really is no reason for him to stay in your home.

I think the 'favoritism' issue will need to be resolved outside the relationship (I mean when you are not living together). he made' you attend therapy, I think you could request family therapy to manage the family relationships but not if he is in any way violent or abusive to you.

Confusing for the kids to spend time with one parent during a break up?

I disagree - it's exactly what they need to start getting used to

DH is from another country to me and only takes 1 child to visit at a time as both were too much. DD is very clingy to me and DS (who is older) loves visiting granny so DH has only taken DS to date. Now DD is growing out of her clingyness to me, he will probably start taking her sometimes. DD prefers being at home with me and DS gets loads of attention which he loves.

I am afraid YABU.

My experience as a parent is that kids love and thrive on one on one attention from each parent. It's the equivalent of parents loving their kids but wanted time away from them sometimes too.

I had a clingy second child, who was also a terrible sleeper. DH always spent more time with DC1. At that age, he would take DC1 to stay with his family and leave DC2 with me. Nobody had a problem with this - DC2 certainly never felt left out - she'd never stayed there and didn't know that she was missing anything. Once she reached 4 she was less clingy and a better sleeper so now he takes them both.

Let him take DC1 this time but discuss with him when he will start to take both DC.

AlexaDoTheDishes how will being separated from their sister at this really precarious time help either child?

I think it made sense op! My dh will volunteer to take the oldest 2 when going anywhere but I need to tell him to take the youngest because he can't manage. Tell him it's both or neither. Your 3 year old will be fine.

Argh ok then. I'm sure you would all be more than happy for your ex to take away your child at a moments notice during Christmas. Yes of course you would hmm. Fucks sake lol.

Yes, my DCs have gone with their dad to visit relatives today. I’m on my own. Enjoying the peace.

I know it can take some getting used to, but getting stroppy because people have rightly pointed out that you are in fact being unreasonable wont help you.

If your youngest never spends time away from you of course she will be clingy. This is her dad. She should be able to spend some time with him, presuming they haven’t been estranged for most of her little life, and the excitement of Xmas and visiting relatives will make it much more fun. It could be what you need to break the clingy cycle and help her to spend time with both parents after the split. You’re going to have to let her go at some point and your ex will have to step up and parent both of them sometime.

This is another MN anomaly - normally it's seen as horrendous if a parent favours one child over another.

It is horrendous to favour one child, and not to be able to cope with all your children on your own. Any mum ego could not cope eothboth children omher own would most likely be offered interventions.

But is it actually favouritism when OP is stopping the ex from spending time with the younger one because he ‘can’t handle them both’ and it’s best if neither child goes with him. He has a perfect opportunity to parent both children (with two kids and two parents there is often a natural divide that one becomes more attached to one parent - often the older one to dad, the younger to mum).

Instead of addressing it, op is using DC2’s clinginess to restrict access to both children and failing to promote a close relationship between the DCs and their dad/his family because it’s ‘short notice’.

No, the OP says he never offers to take them both because he can't handle them.

My DC go away and stay with grandparents separately. They all like that as they get 1 on 1 attention at grandparents and more attention at home with only 2 left.
I suspect your 3yo will have a fantastic time with full attention on them.

Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip...

ItalianGreyhound the child spending quality one to one time with a father who is about to move out of the family home. How is that not a good thing?

AlexaDoTheDishes IMHO with dad about to leave it is a precarious time. Did you read the op's other thread?

Nope

Alexa it's worth a read, it paints a very different picture of the OP's partner.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3119394-Whats-fair-in-this-situation

My DC go away and stay with grandparents separately.

This isn't the norm. Children in the same family usually spend time with their grandparents together.

I think 2 days notice is unreasonable.