To not want ex to take just one DC away to visit his family?

[Gottagetthroughthis17]

Just that really. He wants to take our 5 year old to visit family which is a 3 hour drive away each way. He took her last time, which was fine, but he wants to take her again which means leaving out youngest (3 yo) again. 3yo won't go as she is really attached to me at the moment and she would be upset.

I don't want him to take 5yo. His argument is his family don't get to see the kids. He could have arranged it ages ago and perhaps I could have gone along and stayed in a hotel nearby whilst his family see both kids together. but he is now angry that he can't take eldest. He only asked me tonight. Wants to go in 2 days.

We have only just split up (still living in same house). Aibu?

Ok well we will have to agree to disagree then. I actually do think he is being unreasonable suggesting this (via text) to me tonight. No notice, no discussion. Yes we of course have plans as it is the Christmas holidays!! He is a twat and has made xmas shit for all of us. Now he wants to play family man. As I said, if it was genuinely important to him he would have planned in advance. He originally was going on his own. He's abusive and a cocklodger and he will be out on his ear in the next week. Sorry but that is the way it is. I have had to put up with a crazy amount of shit from him for years and no I am. It going to bow down to his every request as far as the children are concerned. I will do what's best in my opinion and that's it. Over and out.

• no I am not going to

Unfortunately for you I don't think you have more rights to make him stay than he has rights to take her.
Regardless I don't really understand why you wouldn't jump at the chance of him being away from the house for a few days. I also do t understand why splitting the kids up for a few days is so bad. It's a great way for each parent to spoil the kid they are with. Surely your 3 year old would enjoy being the centre of your attentions for a few days while their sister is away.
I think YABU

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3119394-Whats-fair-in-this-situation

Link to my recent thread in relationships.

I find it a bit silly that people don't bother to ask questions from an OP. Just jump in and start throwing judgments around. I see it happen constantly. Odd.

He was going away anyway, and yes I was looking forward to a few days just me and the kids doing the things we planned without him. So that is what we are going to do.

To be honest this thread keeps changing . If he only wants to take one at a time say youngest or both . Not sure if you want youngest to go . Also no idea if this is his access time or you have plans .

I get you. My ex favoured the elder child over the younger. It was like we were two separate families. I don't think at this age the younger one would notice and if she did she would rather be with you from the sounds of it. The children see through it in the end. I too found it hard when he would take the elder child somewhere and ignore the younger. Ditto the 'finds it stressful to have both'. Bit pathetic really given when you're a single parent and deal with both single handedly day in and day out.

I'd do something special with 3 yr old while he takes 5 yr old to see family. That's important too. It is shitty of him leaving behind the 3 yr old and doing the 'its all too stressful' thing but there you go. That is certain men for you (not all men, some men).

No notice

How much notice is required if two days is "none"?

More drip feeding and angst when the thread doesn't go an Op's way.

You asked. People replied.

But just so you get the answer you want & the validation you seek:
He's such a wanker and has utterly ruined Christmas because he is such an incompetent man. He is a heartless individual who doesn't care about anyone rlse and it is totally out of order for him to want to take either of the children anywhere. You're well within your rights to kick off and are absolutely in no way possibly being unreasonable at all

I'm sure all of you PP are very accommodating with your ex regardless of how the children feel. I'm sure it's wonderful for a child's self esteem when they are clearly not the favourite to daddy. If you think they don't notice you are kidding yourselves. Seriously.

DPs parents are about 3 hours away and he often visits with one child. They're not good in the car and he finds it too much to manage both alone. It's not really an issue.
If your 3 year old won't want to go anyway then a couple of nights away for the 5 year old should be OK.

well, this is quite the substantial drip feed, especially with new relationship revelations.
In addition not actually interested in advice, just putting your foot down, which is fine, but no idea why you wanted to fight with half of mumsnet as well as your ex.
I would say let him go, its good for kids to get one on one time with their parents.
It seems like you've got a lot of other battles to fight, pick your moments eh

Ok

So he hasn't t actually moved out then? (the thread you linked said he'd be going after Christmas)

And you told him some days ago that you had plans u til 27th, and he appear to be asking to have the 5yo then. So the timing is to fit with what you had told him if existing plans.

And this is going to be the first visit - so it's new territory. It is a great pity that the 3yo cannot go. Perhaps when the 5yo returns and tells her all about it, she will feel confident enough next time? Are there any other ways you could work on building her confidence?

Do you really think your 3yr old will care as she prefers to be with you anyway? How come what you want trumps what your ex wants? How much notice do you require?

So op, we should miraculously know to ask more questions, despite most people putting all relevant info on the op. And you are pissed off that we offered opinions - despite the fact you asked for them!

We clearly can't win here...

rose
It's becoming quite clear that there's only one acceptable response on this thread and the longer people point out rational takes on it/helpful advice, the more hysterical and bigger the drip feeds will get.

No it's Christmas Day... he is leaving after xmas. Was originally going to be Jan until he made it intollerable. So yes, sometime around 27th / 28th. Depends when he sorts something out. Apparently that isn't my problem.

Hysterical? Oh for fucks sake

You will be visiting with your family until the 27th. Your family were over Christmas day.

Yeah. Hysterical.
We've had loads of extra info thrown in as and when and then it going all emotionally ridiculous about 'feel for the self esteem if the children' because one child might stay with the parebt they are clingy to whilst the other sees family.

As another poster rightly put it, we can't win on this thread.

I have more than one family member. So yes, we see people over the course of a few days. We also have friends, as do the children. Is that so unbelievably crazy!!

So your family and friends it's fine, but not his because it doesn't suit what you want to be doing. Ok.

Can you and your ex work out some better arrangements between the two of you for the future. Maybe agreeing to go as well this time, so both children see wider family might pave the way for better contact in the future?

I know there is more of a massive back story here. But you must know posters in AIBU do make judgments on the opening post, because that is what AIBU is all about. You could post in relationships or ask to have this moved.

Good luck for the future. In your shoes I would feel unhappy about my ex wanting to take our child away for a couple of days at two days notice. I think that is short notice. However, the long view is you and he are going to need to work this out, with your kids best interests at heart and I am sure it will be very tough, so I would really try and start the whole thing on some kind of good footing.

Ok Maisy. That's exactly what I said