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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want ex to take just one DC away to visit his family?

109 replies

Gottagetthroughthis17 · 25/12/2017 22:35

Just that really. He wants to take our 5 year old to visit family which is a 3 hour drive away each way. He took her last time, which was fine, but he wants to take her again which means leaving out youngest (3 yo) again. 3yo won't go as she is really attached to me at the moment and she would be upset.

I don't want him to take 5yo. His argument is his family don't get to see the kids. He could have arranged it ages ago and perhaps I could have gone along and stayed in a hotel nearby whilst his family see both kids together. but he is now angry that he can't take eldest. He only asked me tonight. Wants to go in 2 days.

We have only just split up (still living in same house). Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 25/12/2017 22:53

And no I don't want to go but would if it meant they could both enjoy seeing his family. We're not talking about a day trip it would be min of 2 nights so yeah I do get some say.

OP posts:
Dozer · 25/12/2017 22:54

How long does he wish to go for?

He is being U not to want to take DD2.

Lifeisabeach09 · 25/12/2017 22:54

I think you should make him take them both, although I understand this isn't easy.
The ex needs to get used to dealing with your 3-year-old on his own and your youngest needs to get used to you not always being around and only being with dad.
It also means you can have a break from the kids.

CrackersForlt · 25/12/2017 22:54

But the point is meaningless if the 3yo didn't want to go. If she did, you would be in the right to say take both or none. But if one wants to go and that's the one he wants to take, then there's not a problem.

ToesInWater · 25/12/2017 22:54

YABU - he doesn't have to ask your permission to take his own child away. Your child has a right to have a relationship with her extended family, it's not all about you.

Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 25/12/2017 22:54

I'm not purposefully dripfeeeding. I am shit with words and getting things across that's all

OP posts:
Dozer · 25/12/2017 22:54

For 2/3 nights they should both go IMO.

EdithWeston · 25/12/2017 22:54

X-ed with your last, so had not seen the comment that he wanted only one. My answer was based on earlier posts that said the issue was with your 3yo not being willing to leave you.

You still need to deal with that first. Because only then will you really see if he is favouring one. Because right now, he's treating them differently, but for good reason, as 3yo is refusing. What tactics work in other scenarios when 3yo refuses to co-operate with something she really should do? Can they be built on? What works when there is something that simply must happen?

Maelstrop · 25/12/2017 22:55

He only wants to take one child as he can't manage both on his own. Too stressful for him. He wants to take eldest as he generally favours her. One of the reasons I split up with him is that he would not treat them fairly. Ah well. I am of course being unreasonable.

Drip feed! You said the 3 year old won’t leave you, not that he can’t handle both. Make your mind up. Yes, YABU to try to tell him he can’t take his own child away. Would he stop you taking her to see relatives? Don’t think so. Of course he’s going to favour the eldest if the youngest won’t leave you.

LockedOutOfMN · 25/12/2017 22:55

I think it's fine and I can't see who loses out or would be miffed by the situation?

Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 25/12/2017 22:55

Argh ok then. I'm sure you would all be more than happy for your ex to take away your child at a moments notice during Christmas. Yes of course you would Hmm. Fucks sake lol.

OP posts:
AlexaDoTheDishes · 25/12/2017 22:56

You can't force him to take the three year old and you can't stop him taking the five year old

So you may as well just suck it up

AlexaDoTheDishes · 25/12/2017 22:57

If you have other plans, say no

If you don't, say yes

MyDcAreMarvel · 25/12/2017 22:57

But it's "our child" so yes yabu, it's for your dd's benefit.

Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 25/12/2017 22:57

Ok Alexa. Sure thing.

OP posts:
MorningstarMoon · 25/12/2017 22:58

This thread

OP - AIBU?
Posters - yes
OP - No I'm not!

You should make him take the both of them. You say you have a say because it's 2 nights or more but if you were to go away would he have a say?

AlexaDoTheDishes · 25/12/2017 22:58

More notice would have been better. That I agree with

AlexaDoTheDishes · 25/12/2017 22:59

You can't make him do anything

CrackersForlt · 25/12/2017 22:59

No, I would be fine with my ex taking one of my children if one wanted to go and the other didn't.

I would be fine with this happening at short notice. Not everything can be planned in advance.

In fact that exact thing has happened.

MaisyPops · 25/12/2017 22:59

OP, people have given very fair advice and comments abd you're now getting snipey because they've not come on agreeing and being all 'ur baba ur rulz'.

The children are entitled to a relationship with their wider family. He is their parent. Stopping one child going because the other won't would be ridiculous and I suspect fairness for the children isn't your motivation. You just want them both with you and not with their wider family.

Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 25/12/2017 23:00

I'm not trying to make him do anything?!

OP posts:
AlexaDoTheDishes · 25/12/2017 23:01

Your ex is evidently a bit of a shit dad if he can't wrangle two normal kids

But you can't change that, only get on with the reality

AlexaDoTheDishes · 25/12/2017 23:01

You sounded like you wanted him to take both (even though he can't because the youngest won't go with him)

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/12/2017 23:01

It Would appear that the issue is he favours a child over the other and this perpetuates it even more and splits the family even more
It’s reallly shitty OP . I can’t judge the merIt’s of this - bit if his family are generally OK there might be some benefits for the elder child building relationships with them

But not BU to feel shitty about it

And you can explain it in child friendly terms to the 3 year old

But he also needs to have one to one time with the little one too . Would he ?

FrancisCrawford · 25/12/2017 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.