MIl being selfish?

[blodwen8]

DP and I live with his parents which we spent Christmas with last year, my parents live a couple of hours away so we've come to spend Christmas with them this year.

MIL spent all morning yesterday giving us the silent treatment before we left, today we've video called to say merry Christmas and she barely spoke to us or thanked us for the Christmas presents, she's made DP feel so guilty we are travelling the two hours back tonight just to keep her happy.

She has a talent for manipulating & controlling DP so I know this is what she's doing, AIBU to think she's being selfish? I hardly see my parents as it is and they're very understanding about us leaving on Christmas Day after the trouble of doing Christmas dinner.

He sounds too immature to be married. You are his wife You should be his first priority now, not his mother.

The problem I have is, obviously I want to make my point/stand my ground etc but how do I do it without making living there awkward? In general I mean? Because it's not the first time she's done this.

Hmm, just realised he's only 22 - he's not really grown up yet, has he. Sure you want to stick with this set up?

Can you not guilt trip him into feeling bad about ruining your parents' Christmas?

" how do I do it without making living there awkward? "

More to the point-how is it going to be different when you move out?

What was his reason for going back rather than tell her to stop being daft?

Did he consider you or your parents or just mummy?

What if your parents had said no, don't be so fucking rude/pathetic?

He is very much under his mother's thumb isn't he?

I hope you bought the house as tenants in common and not joint tenants.
Because 22 is still very immature and 32 is not. And if he's still pandering to his manipulative mother this much at 22, I wouldn't hold much hope of anything improving.
If you go (and I really think you should stay) then I hope next year, you'll be leaving straight after dinner to head to your parents place. Ask him if he agrees to that?

Hmmm I would put my own son or daughter up in a heartbeat but I would not jump for joy at the idea of them bringing a partner to live here even if they paid rent. Your ILs putting up with you is a completely different kettle of fish to living with your own parents

Sounds like a waste of a Christmas Day to me. Will she still be sulky when you get back? You shouldn't have told her you'd go back, she needs to understand one year with her, one year with your family. Let her sulk.

Did she even ask you/him to go back?

Or has he decided that he can't stand how upset she appears to be?

Where are her other kids?

If he is such a wimpy mummys boy that he must go running when she clicks her fingers, then fine.

But you should stay with your parents and go home another day, just get a train.

How can you fancy someone this wet?

Anyone else wondering if this his first Christmas Day without his parents?

Please....let this incident, and the previous ones you alluded to, be a warning for the future. Now i know we talk a lot on MN about narcissism, and narcissistic personality disorder, and the toxicity of malignant narcissism, and far be it from me to make an armchair diagnosis, but take it from me, someone whose life was ABSOLUTELY devastated by a malignant narcissist MIL, that you are already in a very precarious situation. Until you have experienced the depths they can sink down to in their behaviour, you would not believe it. I could barely believe it myself. I have PTSD from what i lost through her lies, smear campaign and character assassination. If you wish to continue in your marriage, you need to learn what you could be dealing with. Knowledge is power, but for me it came too late. Her son was repeatedly violent. I did not tell her this, but she did find out and kept quiet. However, when i had finally had enough of her manipulation and domineering behaviour, she knew she would have to destroy me to prevent anyone believing a word I said, about anything. And she succeeded. I lost everything, new love, friends, everything. I promise you i did nothing to deserve this. She will do this to any woman she disapproves of, which will be virtually everyone. Please. Beware.

If you lost your dad this year does that mean your mum is alone? So you're leaving your mum alone at Xmas after your dad died when you are already there, to go back and pacify his mum who has a husband and other children?

What fresh hell are we in here?

No my mother & father were divorced since I was little, my mum has my stepdad.

It is his first Christmas away yes.

Firecracker2 it was actually all her idea for me to move there, and his of course but she was thrilled at the idea. I understand where you're coming from but at the end of the day we've tried to keep everything fair.

We don't have children no but I've made it very clear that when we do this won't happen. It's not fair on my mum.

Dear lord.
Would you give in to a toddler tantrum? Like hell. Never mind an adult who knows better.
What will you do when she has a hissy fit when you move out?
When she insists on a door key?
When your dp listens to every word she says when baby comes no matter how old fashioned and wrong she is?'
When she insists next year you HAVE to go to hers for xmas and you dont see your mum?
What will your dp do? 🤔

I'd send him home and stay at your mum's for a few days.

I was 22 when I spent my first Christmas away from my parents. It was my first Christmas after I got married, and we made it clear to both sets of parents that we would alternate Christmases between them, and we stuck to it.

In our case we lived in our own house 150 miles away from one family and 250 miles away from the other so it was easy to do.

Unless you both stand up to your MIL now she will ruin your marriage.

So your DF died in October and it's your DMs it's Xmas as a widow and you're going to up and leave half way through it when you see your MIL every day?????

OP I'm going to be harsh here. It's for your own good. I'm 10 years ahead of you.

Do not buy a house with this man. If you are only at the stage of getting a mortgage approved you can easily back out from your offer.

Unless he sees the situation for what it is things will not change.

You need to read the books Toxic parents (chapter on overly enraged and controlling parents) and maybe even the book Toxic Inlaws.

I married a man with a Toxic family (my own family is quite dysfunctional too to be fair - that's how history ends up repeating itself).

Long story short. His DM is a Toxic narcissist and myself and DD are now NC. DH is LC. This has caused a lot of heartache all round and we almost split up.

If we hadn't have moved overseas then we would not have made it.

Wake up and smell the man child coffee OP.

Merry Christmas

X post

*emeshed not enraged!

He's 10 years younger than me, I'm 32, so there's still an element of child behaviour there, plus he's the youngest so she's very over protective.

I moved from my home to be with him, new job/friends etc so I'm just annoyed that my first Christmas living away I'm having to please her.

How long have you been together? If he's only 22..... actually I wonder if he's actually very good at displaying his DMs manipulation techniques... (it's very common to learn these u healthy communication styles when you've been brought up by it)... that's a lot of sacrifices to have made already in what must be a 1?2? year relationship?

OP like you say, 22 years old is still very young. I'm just wondering outloud whether you have boundary issues? You don't have to answer these questions obviously, but it's probably worth having a serious reflect about your own issues. Do you give in to people a lot? Have you stron and clear ideas about what you want out of life? From people and relationships? Do you go along with things often to keep the peace? Are you an 'enabler'? And do you think that could be a factor in your relationship with your DP?

*unhealthy not u healthy

starships21
I moved from my home to be with him, new job/friends etc so I'm just annoyed that my first Christmas living away I'm having to please her.

You are not having to please her, you are choosing to please her and the more you give in to her tantrums, the worse she will get.

I've read threads on MN where MiLs, given a key to their DS's and DiL's home, moved the furniture around to her liking, redecorated rooms when they were away on holiday, rearranged all the kitchen cupboards, delved into private spaces like bedside cupboards, etc. Is this what you want? Your DP sounds incapable of saying no so it will have to be you being the bad guy.

If you don't draw a line now it can only get worse. If you can live with that I wish you the very best of luck. Personally I would not tolerate her behaviour impacting on my life.

I've made it very clear that when we do this won't happen. It's not fair on my mum.

Neither is this situation. Start as you mean to go on.