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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that no I am not a lucky girl

104 replies

Animalfarmfan · 24/12/2017 11:20

So we are at the in-laws today doing Christmas. We have just opened our presents.
For some background 5 years ago dh brought himself a super duper piece of Tech for himself. I indicated that I would like one too. So he got together with the in-laws to get a cheaper version for me as my only Christmas present. Meanwhile he got loads of items off his list.
I personally don't like doing lists so I have had 4 years of vouchers or IOU for experiences that I have to arrange. Despite hinting very strongly for some nice jewellery. Ever mentioning the name if the store etc.
So this year my piece of tech is no longer functional. So dh has treated me to a high end replacement. I know I should be grateful and indeed SIL has been going on and on about how lucky I am. Yet it is the same piece of tech her dbro upgraded to just because earlier this year.
So yet again dh has a pile if gifts to open and me just one.
I know I should have said we'll actually I would like x for a present but this doesn't sit right with me.
It isn't about the money. My family exchange presents and they are only token gifts but at least there is some thought there. It just seems like dh wants the easy option each year.
So Aibu to think that whilst it is a great gift that I am not lucky as I only have exactly what dh has anyway and it hasn't required any real effort.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 24/12/2017 17:06

My husband earns about a bazillion times more than I do. We have a joint account. I bought myself an iPhone 7 last week, just because I wanted to. No issue.

peachgreen · 24/12/2017 17:07

Not sure you'll see this OP as I suspect you'll not come back to this thread, but for what it's worth, I understand. A gift for you would be something DH had put some thought into, regardless of monetary value. Similarly, giving a list doesn't really work as again, it doesn't give him the chance to demonstrate that he's made an effort to think about you.

I had a similar issue with DH when we first started dating. His ex was a big fan of expensive presents and so he tended towards buying me big gadgets / designer bags etc - things I wouldn't necessarily want or need but that he felt were impressive. Whereas if I'd said that I needed a new bag, I would have been much more touched if he'd spent ages looking for one that met all my needs and eventually settled on one from Primark, if you see what I mean.

After a few years I spoke to him about it and explained that for me, what I wanted was something that demonstrated that he'd thought about it, and that price didn't matter. I explained that knowing he knew me well meant more to me than him being generous with his money. He totally got it and has been substantially better ever since. We've even set a price limit for the past couple of years which has been a revelation!

I think it's worth talking to your DH to explain that (not now obviously - but before next Christmas!) - you might find that he's genuinely unaware or what you want.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 24/12/2017 17:14

Fuck me you are lucky to get something others get nothing let alone high end shit.. grow up and be grateful! Oh and Christmas is tommorrow.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 24/12/2017 17:16

And lucky girl cringe just cringe.

HeadDreamer · 24/12/2017 17:37

I don't understand your attitude at all. You sound so passive. If you want something, why are you hinting and humming and ahhing about it? What not just go and order it online? It sounds like that's what your DH is doing? And what is so lucky about it?

buttfacedmiscreant · 24/12/2017 18:10

It sounds like you need a marriage overhaul. Presents and SIL are the symptom not the cause of this problem. You aren't working as a cohesive team.

  1. his money is his money and your money is your money. If that is the case then he needs to pay you a living wage to look after the kids to make it more equitable. Alternatively, talk about pooling money so you are equal partners (which is much fairer usually). Separate money works for some families, but it doesn't seem to work for yours as you are getting the short shrift here. He can only do the job he does because you take care of the kids. You are providing this "infrastructure" that he can't do his job without. If he doesn't want to do these things then perhaps work out how much you need to cover family costs (food, mortgage, outings, retirement, savings, clothes etc) and then figure out how much you have to pay and he has to pay so you have the same amount left over. If he isn't willing to do one of these things he is being controlling with money and it can be seen as financial abuse.

  2. consider making an agreement between the two of you on what is bought over the year. DH and I for instance have an amount that we can spend without consultation. e.g. if I want to buy a camera accessory that is 25 pounds then I don't talk to him, but if I want a new camera that is 300 pounds then we decide together first. Other couples do it a different way with each having an allowance that they can spend however they like. You could also decide how much is going to be spent on gifts through the year, either bought for oneself or bought by the partner.

  3. change the present buying system. First if DH doesn't do well without a list then make a list, make it huge if you want him to choose. Perhaps something like a pinterest board you add to all year or an amazon wish list. Stop doing a joint one with SIL. She doesn't need to know your business. He can do seperate ones or you could buy off list.

category12 · 24/12/2017 18:12

What buttfacedmiscreant said is dead on. Plus excellent name.

buttfacedmiscreant · 24/12/2017 18:14

Oh and with our system, even though it sounds the same as yours ( "I do have access to money but I would have to discuss a big purchase like that first" ) it isn't because

  1. My DH would have to discuss a big purchase too and
  2. it has nothing to do with what each of us earns. It has to do with how much together we have to spend.

Fuck me you are lucky to get something others get nothing let alone high end shit.. grow up and be grateful! Oh and Christmas is tommorrow.

Lola, that is shit. Financial control is abusive regardless of whether you are in a gilded cage or not. I'd rather not have the expensive present and have a husband who treats me like a partner and an equal.

Ollievision · 24/12/2017 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Animalfarmfan · 24/12/2017 18:21

Not been able to get back as busy doing Christmas Day a day early.
The lucky girl thing annoyed me too.
Lots of food for thought .I am certainly not prevented from buying shattered I need.
Re presents I am not motivated by hugging tbh. I am more about it being the thought that counts. So I would value a well chosen charm pair of earrings, book or smellies more than an IOU a spa day or whatever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Animalfarmfan · 24/12/2017 18:34

Spellchecker garbled my post. Things not shattered
High end not hugging

OP posts:
tehmina23 · 24/12/2017 18:38
  1. Insist on having the same up to date tech as your partner at the same time he buys his - it's very unfair on you otherwise, I mean why should the man get the best stuff!!
  1. Make a Christmas list, better than getting unwanted presents.
tehmina23 · 24/12/2017 18:39
  1. Discover an assertive feminist side:)
MorningstarMoon · 24/12/2017 18:46

Personally think you are lucky to have food on the table and a roof over your head. There's plenty of people out there who don't have the luxury to whinge over presents.

If the current system isn't working for you then make a list.

category12 · 24/12/2017 18:49
Biscuit
Original poster
Animalfarmfan · 24/12/2017 18:53

I agree that I am lucky in that respect. morning.
But funny how she didn't she her dbro was a lucky boy whilst opening his pile of gifts.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 24/12/2017 19:05

if u dont say people dont know

im crap at presents if my family dont tll m i get vouchers aswell

if u want anew ipad/tech just get it

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 26/12/2017 04:02

Have you thought it might be because she doesn't admire or think your husbands gifts are good gifts ie she wouldn't want them!!!

She does think your lucky because you have something she likes, it's a way of saying oh nice I would be lucky to have that

penguinpurple · 26/12/2017 06:59

Her comments sound passive aggressive if they are continuous and with the tone you describe as if she's saying you're taking advantage of her brother, getting spoiled with expensive presents while she'll doesn't see that he gets much. I can see why that would grate when it seems like actually he gets the expensive items as a matter of course. You need to speak to your dh and explain the issue. Could be he just jumps at the chance of an obvious, impressive present especially if he isn't that good at present shopping. How he reacts when you say how it feels from your pov and what you would like next year is key.
Fwiw my husband got me a phone for Xmas as mine is on the way out but I think that's different from your situation as the' gift' aspect from my pov was he considered my requirements and researched phones and bought a good one. Saved me loads of mental energy as I find that stuff stressful and tedious. I bought him clothes as he hates clothes shopping but likes to have a nice clothes in his wardrobe.

KERALA1 · 26/12/2017 08:24

You sound martyr-ish and struggle to spend on yourself, then get resentful when others don't read your mind. Made worse by not earring.Not being unkind op I am the same and have had to work hard to not be.

Value yourself. Your dh and family would be stuffed without you.

Be nice and clear and assertive about what you want. I sent dh a quick email early December. I sit here smugly with my bronze ring, silver boots and posh make up Grin.

Or do as my friend does and every time her dh made a big spend ear marked identical amount for herself. The colour drained from his face when she announced this after he bought a road bike...

twinnywinny14 · 26/12/2017 08:41

Tbh I would be grateful for getting what you need rather than something else of no use or desire, or worse still, no presents at all, which is my situation as dh and I had no spare money to get each other anything this year and had to borrow money to buy the Xmas dinner. So, just be grateful x

Firesuit · 26/12/2017 10:48

He can only do the job he does because you take care of the kids.

Lots of single parents do hold down jobs, so we don't really know that that's true.

kiwigeekmum · 26/12/2017 19:38

The bigger problem here op is you don't have equal access to money. He spend as he pleases and you wait for him to decide if you can have something. There is inequality in your relationship.

100% This. Christmas is not the problem. Your SIL, however annoying, is not the problem. The problem is that your DH will throw down significant money throughout the year for things that he wants, but you don't feel that you are able to do the same.

Is this because he won't allow you to, (major red flag) or do you just not try? Next time you want/need something, just get it for yourself. If your DH questions it, just point out "Well you spent XXX on yourself for XYZ, so I figured this would be fine.". His reaction to that will tell you a LOT about whether or not you are equals in this relationship.

buttercup54321 · 26/12/2017 19:45

FFS grow up. You sound precious and grabby. At least you got a present. If you want things that badly then buy them yourself.

buttercup54321 · 26/12/2017 19:47

oh and no you aren't a lucky GIRL. You are a grown woman now.