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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that no I am not a lucky girl

104 replies

Animalfarmfan · 24/12/2017 11:20

So we are at the in-laws today doing Christmas. We have just opened our presents.
For some background 5 years ago dh brought himself a super duper piece of Tech for himself. I indicated that I would like one too. So he got together with the in-laws to get a cheaper version for me as my only Christmas present. Meanwhile he got loads of items off his list.
I personally don't like doing lists so I have had 4 years of vouchers or IOU for experiences that I have to arrange. Despite hinting very strongly for some nice jewellery. Ever mentioning the name if the store etc.
So this year my piece of tech is no longer functional. So dh has treated me to a high end replacement. I know I should be grateful and indeed SIL has been going on and on about how lucky I am. Yet it is the same piece of tech her dbro upgraded to just because earlier this year.
So yet again dh has a pile if gifts to open and me just one.
I know I should have said we'll actually I would like x for a present but this doesn't sit right with me.
It isn't about the money. My family exchange presents and they are only token gifts but at least there is some thought there. It just seems like dh wants the easy option each year.
So Aibu to think that whilst it is a great gift that I am not lucky as I only have exactly what dh has anyway and it hasn't required any real effort.

OP posts:
category12 · 24/12/2017 11:55

Anyway why tell your sil how much you spent on presents, none of her business at all.

Sevendown · 24/12/2017 11:55

Buying jewellery is impossible!

How can anyone know what someone else would like?

CurryWorst · 24/12/2017 11:55

And this is why Christmas should be banned

billions of people celebrate Xmas. It should be banned because some women on MN didn't get the something sparkly she wanted?

Xmas Hmm
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 24/12/2017 11:56

I think it's fair enough to have some 'just because' things in mind for when your DH treats himself during the year. So he buys the latest iPad (or whatever), you buy the latest iPad/jewellery at the same time.

A list is very useful though, not just to ensure that you get presents that you like, it also takes a bit of the mental burden off the buyers. I find it difficult to work out what people would really like, and it's so incredibly much easier to just pick something off their list, order it and it's done. I know that some people enjoy the choosing aspect and value surprise over any other aspect of the gift, but on the whole I get most satisfaction out of giving a gift that I know is wanted and will be used.

category12 · 24/12/2017 11:57

OK, so you don't have equal access to money. He's the main earner and although you're married, he treats it as his money rather than family money. Gotcha.

Bodear · 24/12/2017 11:58

It seems like this comes down to spending power to treat yourself compared to your dh’s. Do you have access to the same cash and are choosing not to treat yourself in the same way he does? Or do you not have that option and are reliant on presents for the same tech as he is buying himself? The 2 are very different scenarios I think

Greyponcho · 24/12/2017 11:58

Does SIL not realise that her DB forking our £300 of your joint money in a gift for himself is also a gift from you? Just because he made the payment - would you rather she saw you give him a cheque for half the cost? Confused

WhatsGoingOnEh · 24/12/2017 11:58

Missing the point, but - why are you opening presents today?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 24/12/2017 12:00

Stop discussing your spending with SIL for a start, why are you even doing this?

Also, why is DH able to upgrade on a whim while you apparently have to wait until Christmas? If you don't have access to spending money then you have bigger fish to fry than discussing your gift preferences. If you do have access and can afford to buy a high value item like iPad or laptop then don't wait for someone else to gift it to you.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 24/12/2017 12:01

It's pretty common to open on Christmas Eve Whats, different families have different traditions, especially if they have links to other countries.

Jaxhog · 24/12/2017 12:04

Men don't take hints. Or at least none that I know of. Actually this is true of most people. So the only way to get what you want for Christmas, is to be specific. List aren't romantic and means they don't have to think about your likes and dislikes, but at least you'll get something you want.

C0untDucku1a · 24/12/2017 12:07

I know what you are disappointed about op. Why doesnt your lartner value you in the way he values himself. People come on here sometimes and spout ‘love languages’, but you want a gift you want rather than need at christmas, and he is happy to buy gifts for himself so surely theres not a difference in language at all there!

Also, youve ignored a number of questions on circumstances, i think that probably indicates a bigger problem. I could be way off here but are you a sahm and he works, and the mindset is because he works he can spend when he likes and because you dont you have to wait for birthdays and christmas? You could go on boxing day and buy the jewelley you want. Or iy the tech when you need it in the year, as lack of family money is clearly not an issue. But if you dont have equal access to money, all you have is what you get as gifts And therefore the disappointment is magnified. If that's the case, the problem is much bigger.

KC225 · 24/12/2017 12:07

After Christmas go and buy yourself a/couple piece(w) of jewellery from the shop and with bit of mind over matter you can convince yourself that it was your Christmas present. Should your DH comment, hand over the tech and say 'I didn't want to make a scene at the time but you bought the upgrade for you so I bought the present I really wanted'

Glad you are rethinking the list. It may not be to.your taste but it will save you being disappointed again

ThunderboltsLightning · 24/12/2017 12:08

I get where you're coming from OP and it would wind me up too. I think you're just going to have to be explicit.

I do a little list of things of different prices and send it to DH; the idea being that when people ask him what I would like he can make a suggestion from the list (i don't expect everything on the list!) and people don't duplicate. He thinks it comes across a bit greedy but I explained that it saves people from buying things that are just going to get stuck in a cupboard.

nestletollhouse · 24/12/2017 12:08

The bigger problem here op is you don't have equal access to money. He spend as he pleases and you wait for him to decide if you can have something. There is inequality in your relationship. Do you have kids? If not, please don't have any while this is the situation.

C0untDucku1a · 24/12/2017 12:09

Took me so long to reply there was a cross post. You may think you have equal access to money, but if he can buy say an iPad at any point but you need to Wait for a generic tablet for Christmas and that be your only gift, that is not equal.

Maelstrop · 24/12/2017 12:11

So it sounds like sil is being passive aggressive. Are you brave enough to tackle her on why she’s going on and on when her db got it for himself? Is she resentful that you earn little, he earns more, he’s spending money on you (as he should!)?

If you need new tech, I don’t see that as a Christmas present if your dh can afford to get himself the same thing because he wanted an upgrade. My iPad was slowing down and being a pita earlier in the year, so the dh bought me an upgrade. I —needed— wanted it, so it was bought for me.

I think you need a word with your dh about what you want for next birthday/Christmas, then you won’t be disappointed. And tell sil to shut the fuck up.

Notevilstepmother · 24/12/2017 12:11

if Dh/dbro wants or needs a high value tech item updating than go ahead do it. If I am in the same boat than I am so lucky to get one even though I have to forego presents to get the same item.

This is not childish, it’s showing you are not equal partners.

Write the list.

mirialis · 24/12/2017 12:12

You need equal access to money to purchase on the same basis as your DH throughout the year.

RedastheRose · 24/12/2017 12:19

You are being treated as unequal by you dh! Regardless of earnings you should have roughly equal money to spend on hobbies throughout the year and roughly equal money for presents. Your relatives comments are actually superfluous in this situation it is your dh who is putting himself first!

calzone · 24/12/2017 12:19

I love the post Xmas threads of disappointment.

Year on year.......🙄

Just know who you are with. They rarely change. Make a wish list and send it to them.

Roll on tomorrow afternoon with pages on pages of crushing disappointment.

BarbaraofSevillle · 24/12/2017 12:20

Ditch expensive Christmas presents and agree to spend £20/30 on nice chocs, booze or other tokens that you both like.

Spend your own money on your own tech and jewellry of your own choosing.

Far more practical and less stressful than the alternative where you either have to specify exactly which one you want or expecting him to guess amongst the hundreds of items for sale in the jewellers exactly which one you would like.

diddl · 24/12/2017 12:29

So you've got a present from your husband that you wanted?

Nothing from his family as they didn't know what to get?

If SIL doesn't know the facts then from her POV, I guess you are lucky?

Mean of him to get a cheaper version for you originally-especially when Ils were also chipping n!

LannieDuck · 24/12/2017 12:39

Treat yourself the same way DH treats himself. Spend as much on your birthday as he spends on his, and agree an approx amount to spend on each other at xmas.

Would there be a problem with doing that?

TheNaze73 · 24/12/2017 12:42

Why don’t you tell him???!

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