To think that no I am not a lucky girl

[Animalfarmfan]

So we are at the in-laws today doing Christmas. We have just opened our presents.
For some background 5 years ago dh brought himself a super duper piece of Tech for himself. I indicated that I would like one too. So he got together with the in-laws to get a cheaper version for me as my only Christmas present. Meanwhile he got loads of items off his list.
I personally don't like doing lists so I have had 4 years of vouchers or IOU for experiences that I have to arrange. Despite hinting very strongly for some nice jewellery. Ever mentioning the name if the store etc.
So this year my piece of tech is no longer functional. So dh has treated me to a high end replacement. I know I should be grateful and indeed SIL has been going on and on about how lucky I am. Yet it is the same piece of tech her dbro upgraded to just because earlier this year.
So yet again dh has a pile if gifts to open and me just one.
I know I should have said we'll actually I would like x for a present but this doesn't sit right with me.
It isn't about the money. My family exchange presents and they are only token gifts but at least there is some thought there. It just seems like dh wants the easy option each year.
So Aibu to think that whilst it is a great gift that I am not lucky as I only have exactly what dh has anyway and it hasn't required any real effort.

Sick to the back teeth of PIL moaning threads.

Next time he upgrades on a whim get his credit card and buy your jewellery.

I think the bigger problem here is that you don't have equal access to the family money. Dh will likely always earn more than me (a decade out of work raising kids tends to have that effect) but that doesn't mean he lives like a king and I only get nice things on special occasions.

YANBU your DH sounds selfish and your SIL is mean. It’s sexism plain and simple. Does she have a partner?

Your dh is a selfish arse. I would want to know why he can spend 300 quidd on something just because he can, and yet you have to have the same as a Xmas gift. That is totally unbalanced.

You’re meant to be a team, a partnership. Money is household dosh, not his. He can only earn what he does because you support him. Just because your contribution is not financial doesn’t mean it isn’t there. He needs to grow up.

Unless you tackle this head on, it won’t change.

Unfortunately I have to discuss present buying with SIL as dh does a joint list so I have to liase with her.
She has a partner.
We are doing gifts today as in-laws are going to other relatives tomorrow. We had to open gifts today as her gift to me gave my gift as it is an accessory for my gift
I work part time around the kids but I am gradually upping my hours.

Upping your hours isn't the point. Your husband has more spending money than you and that isn't fair.

OP you sound like you do it all. Your DH needs to step up.

Why are you all opening your presents on Christmas Eve? Shocking behaviour, the DM will probably pick up on this lax attitude towards proper Christmas present giving and opening techniques and use it as another stick to beat us with.

He shouldn't be flush and splashing out on himself routinely while you're unable to. After all, you're working less hours to care for your dc together.

You have an unfair setup financially.

Your husband has more spending money than you and that isn't fair

Exactly this. You should both be taking equal spends and equal leisure time irrespective of who gets paid most per hour and who does all the unpaid wifework.

Do you and your dh have equal spending money? It doesn’t matter that you work part time. You’re both contributing to the family, you’re a team. You should have equal spending money.

I get the feeling that’s where some of these feelings are coming from. There’s some inequality here.

Meanwhile he got loads of items off his list

I don't know any adults who have Christmas lists and who would compare in this way! Are you both very young? You come across like a teenager - he's got more than me, it's not fair, etc.

Why don't you have the same access to your household income?
It's not about upping your hours.

You are accepting that he has money to spend however he wants whilst you just get what you're given and be grateful for it.

Bit of a cheek to be cross with SIL for having exactly the same attitude as you, no?

Armchair Therapist Hint: you're angry with SIL because you're angry with yourself for accepting this shit.

Sort it out.

naze I have tried. Certainly I put a stop to him wanting to buy me a new camera one year to replace the camera I got for my birthday which Dd dropped and broke.
Guess deep down he does consider his salary to be more his than ours.
I just feel that his SIL indulges this notion. Ie she was really enthusiastic when GE treated himself to a trip of a lifetime pertaining to his hobby which cost four figures. This trip was literally a few weeks before she got funny about me not spending. Enough on his birthday.
I could go on.

Sil is a red herring.

SIL is indeed a red herring.

He spends 4 figures on a holiday, and you can't just replace a broken item?

Fuck that relationship.

Equal spending money, equal responsibility. If you have to discuss purchases over £x then so does he.

His family are big spenders presumably, and your family aren’t so you get less because that’s what your family do. But it does seem unfair that he gets lots of stuff from his family and you get very little from them. You can’t make them give you presents though, so I’m not sure what you can do about that. Do you give individual presents to the ILs, or are they given jointly by you and dh - if that’s the case, then it would be fair to assume joint ownership of what they give.

Just buy yourself what you want.
I'm a widow, my parents are no longer alive and my children are too young to go out shopping. So I get very little at Christmas unless I buy it myself.
I've bought myself a bag, a jumper and some earrings online and haven't opened up the packaging.... so obviously they wont be surprises(!) but I'll have something to open on Christmas morning, and I'll see the things properly for the first time.

Isn't this more about unequal access to spending money? Or at least decisions about what/whom to surrender it on.....
Its upto you of course but all our money is joint, irrespective of what we've been earning over the years. Pre kids I learnt more than dh, now I earn less. After all bills and commitments are paid for we both set aside the same amount of spending money. Presents come out of that, as would big ticket items (holidays, electronics for house) but we'd discuss/agree jointly...

There's obviously more going on here as regards his thoughtlessness/attitude.

For me if it was near Christmas/bday & I couldn't think what I would like, then a replacement something wouldn't bother me.

Likewise if husband buys something/spends £X, I don't feel that I have to.

That said, I buy what I want throughout the year, as does he-he probably spends more, but I don't think that that matters as we are both buying what we want.

OP has been given a fairly hard time imo, she’s not ungrateful or moaning I don’t think. I kind of see where she is coming from. My DH would buy himself a new phone because he needed one. But he will eagerly suggest a new one for me as a Christmas present. When someone else’s essential/living expense is regarded as a ‘treat’ for you, it does make you question the dynamic. Like OP’s, my dh works full time while I’ve changed to PT/self-employed in order to care for kids. His earning power has always been more than mine now it completely outstrips it. I think that makes me more sensitive to these perceived inequalities (my dh is actually very, very generous and does ‘get’ the situation, he always sees his earnings as family money etc). I honestly think he just finds it hard to “choose something nice” (my preferred gifting style) and feels like a big ticket item will show he loves me. Op your dh is not going to get the hints. It’s such a shame if you are more of a “surprise me” gifter/giftee! What I do do is suggest a particular shop that I know only really stocks things that are definitely my “style” (but not expensive). He likes knowing that its a safe bet, I feel like he has had some input!
With regards SIL, it’s none of her beeswax. Just say “you seem very interested in how much things cost. Is money very important to you then?” In a kind of “oh how fascinating!” Kind of voice. Clearly she has different values, try not to let it bother you.

I always think it's just easier for everyone if you ask for what you want! I I ask DH for one main thing but also a few cheap things so I've got a few things to open... it's easier if I'm more specific like, no penis shaped candle sticks please (he bought me what he thought were beautiful candle sticks one year and honestly couldn't see they were just penis!!!).

You like an element of surprise and won't write a list?

Yeah you're being a brat. Sorry.

I do have access to money but I would have to discuss a big purchase like that first as I earn very little. So in a way this is how this situation arose. I said x is broken and needs replacing. So response I will get you one for Christmas.
So you are not allowed to spend money that you have not earned?