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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I actually unreasonable here? (Eating disorder related)

83 replies

PixieXox · 24/12/2017 04:02

I'd like to start off by stating that I know my attitudes aren't entirely normal and I try to stop it affecting others as much as possible so I'll include the backstory but I'm apparently unreasonable so here we go

I've only really recently started treatment for my eating disorder that has been building up for the last year. My work have been very supportive about it but I have bad anxiety which is worsened when I'm around food. The main instance is that if I'm working and someone starts eating near me (think loud things like crisps or things that smell at all...) I can start to lose focus and panic. I'm looking at better coping mechanisms but very much in the early stages just now.

My go to reaction when someone does this is just to take 5 minutes away, then come back when the environment is better. Normally I'd avoid it anyway by sitting in a quieter area but whatever works. The reason for this is that the sound/smell of food when I'm not prepped can send me into a bit of a panic and if I've eaten already I can't keep it down.

Over the last few weeks, a colleague has started sitting beside me after my shift has started which is fine - she can sit where she wants and I can't / won't try to dictate that. She has lunch at her desk rather than the canteen and it's often something like curry and crisps while reading the news (not working through lunch or anything, just munching and chilling).

I think I do visably panic, to be honest I'm crying inside so I imagine it showed slightly but I excused myself as calmly as I could and ended up being sick a few times (wasn't the best day.) when I came back though she demanded to know where I had been. I was a bit Hmm and said I'd needed a bit of fresh air to which she said I was personally offending her and that she could eat what she wanted where she wanted. She said she was reporting me to management but not sure if this has happened yet.

Genuinely curious if I'm unreasonable for not being able to sit breathing in curry. It seems like such a silly thing to me but she seemed genuinely offended that I left. I know it's not anyone else's fault that it stresses me btw, I wasn't feeling any negativity towards her I just needed away.

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 24/12/2017 04:20

I think she sounds unreasonable to be offended, and it's none of her business why you got up and left your desk.

But unfortunately I'd also say that, unless there is an office rule about not eating at desks, she is also right to say that she should be able to eat there if she wants.

It's tricky. Does she know that you have an eating disorder?

scurryfunge · 24/12/2017 04:22

It's good that you recognise you have a problem and are seeking treatment. I'm not sure what she would be reporting you for though. Unless your management ban eating at desks then it will be difficult to avoid. I'd be upfront with her and explain what causes you anxiety and that sometimes you need to get away from the cause ( not the person).

OuchLegoHurts · 24/12/2017 04:55

Yes it is very unreasonable that you can't sit beside someone who is eating, but you know that. It's obviously not your fault but if you acted strangely before you left then I can see why she asked when you came back as she may have felt puzzled or uncomfortable. I get that you have issues around food but, without meaning to be harsh, they're your issues to deal with and its perfectly normal to eat food anywhere without being made to feel bad. Hope you improve soon, it must be difficult for you.

RadioGaGoo · 24/12/2017 05:24

I can't stand people who eat smelly food at a desk and I don't have an eating disorder. Why should an office have to put up with smelly curry? And she's offended? Sounds rather entitled.

Bitchywaitress · 24/12/2017 05:52

I think the curry eater should F off to the canteen. Very rude to eat smelly food in office.

OP, for what it's worth I would have been very understanding of your issues and would have started taking my lunch outside. YANBU

MaximaDeWit · 24/12/2017 06:40

We have a rule in the office that no hot food is to be eaten at our desks which I presumably a H&S thing but does mean we avoid smelling everyone's lunch.

Do you have a manager/HR department you could raise the issue to? Understand you might not want to disclose everything, but even a note from a doctor explaining the basic issue? They could them implement a (temporary?) rule about eating at desks and at least you'd have something to back you up next time.

Well done for the steps you've already taken to get treatment, OP and don't let this set you back!

Ollivander84 · 24/12/2017 06:48

YANBU. It's courtesy, if I knew it upset you I wouldn't eat there!
We didn't have to but when our colleague is fasting we don't have stuff on/at our desks so when we might usually have shared sweets/chocolates out, we don't for that shift

OfDragonsDeep · 24/12/2017 06:51

Your thought process is not right, but you know that. Having said that, I would be annoyed if someone started eating curry at their desk and if it was one of my team, I would tell them to take it to the canteen.

If it was a standard sandwich and crisps type lunch though, I think that you would have to try talking to her manger/HR again & explain the situation.

Be3Al2SiO36 · 24/12/2017 06:54

Your condition is entirely 'normal' in that there are many people in your situation.

Your work has a duty to create a safe working environment. It is not unreasonable for them to either ban food at desks or allow you time out when other colleagues eat at desks. I know of one case where a company built a canteen specifically to deal with the situation you describe. In fact it came about as a result of a tribunal decision specifically around an eating disorder.

Oh, and your colleague is a bully and in my firm would be reprimanded. There is nothing reasonable about her actions whatsoever.

I wish you the best for trying to sort things out. Tell HR everything, make sure there are no surprises for them, then they should help you if they are a good company.

DoculamentDoculament · 24/12/2017 06:55

You should not be at work unti you've recovered and can handle people eating around you.

Ohyesiam · 24/12/2017 06:56

She sounds very heavy handed and insensitive. How can it be offensive to her? She must see you have a problem with it, and wants to escalate drama.
You are doing all the right things, and it will get easier as your treatment progresses. Are you being taught any techniques to deal with the anxiety response? Could you ask your therapist?
Best of luck with it op x

InfiniteSheldon · 24/12/2017 07:02

Perhaps ask her if you can start again?. Explain your disorder and the implications for you. Reassure her she has every right to eat at her desk and your reaction isn't a personal attack. So many things can be resolved through honest apologies and explanations. Then hopefully you wont have a difficult working atmosphere and best case result she will be mindful and might even stop. You have my sympathies i really struggle with this too.

RainyApril · 24/12/2017 07:06

I can only assume that your reaction was not as discreet as you intended, and it ended up making her feel uncomfortable.

If she doesn't know that you have an eating disorder then she may have felt you were being rude.

Since management do know, I don't suppose she will get very far with her complaint.

I do think eating hot food in the office is inconsiderate, no one wants to smell curry all afternoon. But if the smell/sound of crisps upsets you too then a hot food ban wouldn't help your particular situation really.

The obvious solution would be to open up about your eating disorder but if you don't want to do that, can management position you where you won't have people eating near you?

VictoriaMildrew · 24/12/2017 07:07

@DoculamentDoculament You do know that 'getting better' from this might never happen, don't you? Or, at the very least, could take many months of CBT or other therapy! The OP doesn't have a cold for heaven's sake Hmm

DoculamentDoculament · 24/12/2017 07:12

Well aware of that thanks. But she's currently so unwell shes panicking, having to leave the room and vomiting when people eat around her.

That can't go on.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 24/12/2017 07:12

I hope she does report you to management. Eating hot smelly food in the workplace is ill-mannered and she sounds like a bully.

AstridWhite · 24/12/2017 07:15

I appreciate that you have an eating disorder and you may not be entirely rational in your responses, but I think that eating anything more than a cold sandwich or cup of tea and biscuits at your desk should be banned. Hot foods that give off smells like soups, curries and fast food should be confined to a separate dining room. It's inappropriate and distracting while others are trying to work.

Fairylea · 24/12/2017 07:16

I would speak to management yourself - from the angle that I don’t think anyone should be eating curry or really smelly food in the office. I’ve never worked in an office where that would be tolerate- you’d either have to eat out or in the kitchen / canteen area.

Saving that I would try explaining to this woman as you have here- people might be more sympathetic if you’re open and honest with them about how it affects you.

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 24/12/2017 07:17

Our office has a rule of no strong smelling foods at desks. She was rude to you imo. Does she know you suffer from this disorder?

Supermagicsmile · 24/12/2017 07:18

Can you get in first and let them know about your eating disorder/ report her? She doesn't sound like a nice person. Maybe you can move to a diffeeent desk away from her.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 24/12/2017 07:21

Your colleague is the one being very unreasonable here.
You don’t need to tell her why you walk away when she is eating. I do think you need to have a quiet word with your manager though, just let her know your situation exactly as you have explained it here to us. I’m sure your manager will understand and rather you walk away from your colleagues than vomit.

All the best for your future.

AstridWhite · 24/12/2017 07:22

I think I do visably panic, to be honest..... I excused myself as calmly as I could and ended up being sick a few times (wasn't the best day.) when I came back though she demanded to know where I had been. I was a bit hmm and said I'd needed a bit of fresh air to which she said I was personally offending her and that she could eat what she wanted where she wanted.

As it's curry we are talking about here, is there a possibly awkward race angle to this? If she's of Indian heritage and mainly eats very pungent foods at her desk, do you think she sees you having a very noticable, visceral reaction to it and assumes that because you recoil at the smell of Indian food and go out for 'fresh air' you must be having a racist dig?

EleanorXx · 24/12/2017 07:24

She was being unreasonable to be so upset at you leaving your desk, but she isn't unreasonable to eat at her desk. Can you tell her about the anxiety over eating? Might help her understand

Oh and Flowers op, eating disorders are hard and I hope the treatment helps you get better.

bimbobaggins · 24/12/2017 07:27

I’d love to see what management would have to say. Employee removed herself to be sick after having a reaction to someone eating their lunch and she’s complaining about you.
Well done on getting treatment for it and if your work are already being supportive then I’m sure they’ll tell her where to go, and hopefully to start eating at the canteen too.

LynetteScavo · 24/12/2017 07:40

OP, I think you need to be open with your colleagues about your issues with food. I think people will be understanding if you know why you react as you do. I think there are many people out there struggling in a similar (if not so extreme) way and it can be hard to understand for people who don't have the same issues. However, if they know you are seeking/receiving professional help they are more likely to be understanding.

Good luck,