Am I actually unreasonable here? (Eating disorder related)

[PixieXox]

I'd like to start off by stating that I know my attitudes aren't entirely normal and I try to stop it affecting others as much as possible so I'll include the backstory but I'm apparently unreasonable so here we go

I've only really recently started treatment for my eating disorder that has been building up for the last year. My work have been very supportive about it but I have bad anxiety which is worsened when I'm around food. The main instance is that if I'm working and someone starts eating near me (think loud things like crisps or things that smell at all...) I can start to lose focus and panic. I'm looking at better coping mechanisms but very much in the early stages just now.

My go to reaction when someone does this is just to take 5 minutes away, then come back when the environment is better. Normally I'd avoid it anyway by sitting in a quieter area but whatever works. The reason for this is that the sound/smell of food when I'm not prepped can send me into a bit of a panic and if I've eaten already I can't keep it down.

Over the last few weeks, a colleague has started sitting beside me after my shift has started which is fine - she can sit where she wants and I can't / won't try to dictate that. She has lunch at her desk rather than the canteen and it's often something like curry and crisps while reading the news (not working through lunch or anything, just munching and chilling).

I think I do visably panic, to be honest I'm crying inside so I imagine it showed slightly but I excused myself as calmly as I could and ended up being sick a few times (wasn't the best day.) when I came back though she demanded to know where I had been. I was a bit and said I'd needed a bit of fresh air to which she said I was personally offending her and that she could eat what she wanted where she wanted. She said she was reporting me to management but not sure if this has happened yet.

Genuinely curious if I'm unreasonable for not being able to sit breathing in curry. It seems like such a silly thing to me but she seemed genuinely offended that I left. I know it's not anyone else's fault that it stresses me btw, I wasn't feeling any negativity towards her I just needed away.

@DoculamentDoculament Seriously? Your (long term) suggestion is for someone to be off work for goodness knows how long, with a mental health issue that a) possibly doesn't actually affect their work and b) could be quick fixed AT WORK with a very small amount of compassion (ask people to not eat hot, smelly food at their desk, but instead move to the conveniently provided canteen!) Great plan...very cost effective...and wonderfully understanding. Good job.

Your colleague was BU to a certain extent. But I'm not sure how reasonable it is to expect to continue this job with mental health issues to this degree.

It might be better to get signed off sick while you do some intenstive therapy and return when it's better under control. At this rate you will end up getting told to take time off anyway.

Victoria- stop @ my name please. It's really annoying, especially as I'm not really interested in getting into an online debate on Christmas Eve and you're already quite PA. Knock yourself out if you do. Merry Christmas

It's not reasonable to expect other workers to deal with a colleague who is visibly panicking and vomiting on a regular basis.

It's rather U to eat a curry but even if she changed to sandwiches the OP would still likely have problems.

I'm genuinely sorry for the OP's mental health issues, but that's unfortunately how it is.

She's BU. Does she know about your eating disorder?

I don't think you're being U about the curry. I would be cross and disgusted if a colleague ate curry/fish/smelly cheese etc in our office and would ask them to eat it elsewhere. It's rude to eat smelly or hot food in your work space.

Crisps are a bit different though. I know they're crunchy but they're more a snack food. However if it bothers you, make it obvious. Get up and move away and open the window as soon as she starts eating. When she protests say 'I find the smell of your crisps/curry really off putting in the office. It's hard to ventilate this space so it really lingers and makes it hard for me to work.' Leave the room until she's finished. Hopefully she'll feel awkward after a bit and eat in the canteen.

Yes treacle, but in that case, the OP also has a right to go and be sick. The colleague can be as offended as she wants.

DD has sensory issues around food. If you sat next to her with a bag of chips, she'd have to move or be sick.

When my throwing up was at its worst I would smell someone eat and purge on an empty stomach. I did try out patient which did help but since having my son I've slipped back to my old ways. I can't do £8,000 each month for out patient treatment plus the travel into Kensington (I lived close to the clinic before).

So take it from me, work fucking hard at this. Recovery takes around 2 years for someone working at it, and even then you need to spend the rest of your life being aware of falling into old ways.

Be blunt with your coworkers, they wouldn't do it to be mean and if they understand that it bothers you. You may sound unreasonable but do what you need to do to recover.

Good luck!

@ridingwind nobody is asking them to deal with it though.
All they have to do is not make a big old fuss and threaten to complain about her when she deals with it in her own way.
A way that does not affect them in any way.

The comment above about whether your coworker thinks there's a racist dig in there is the only thing that makes sense about her wanting to complain. If it's not that, then I'd let her go ahead! She's going to make herself look like a fool, and not because you have an ED, but because she's being ridiculous.

I think you've done nothing wrong from your account. As a curry lover, it's totally unreasonable to eat curry at a desk for lunch when there's a canteen!

Well done on getting help with your ED. You're very brave.

Yes treacle, but in that case, the OP also has a right to go and be sick. The colleague can be as offended as she wants.

Yes, I agree. That's what I meant when I said it was none of her colleagues business why she got up and left her desk.

If the colleague knows that the OP has a serious eating disorder and is deliberately eating strong smelling food at her desk because she knows it makes the OP sick then she is incredibly cruel.

I know treacle, I'm hoping that's not the case.

No-one is asking them but they're having to deal with it anyway.

OP panics and panics and potentially vomits if anyone eats food near here. To the point that she has to take 5 mins time out.

People can't be expected not to eat at work and she will make everyone who eats there feel uncomfortable on a daily basis.

Like she's doing it on purpose. And if she goes off to be sick, that offends people.

Report you to management because you don't like her lunch?! Come on!! You could be pregnant for all she knows, curry smell would have sent me running to the toilet when I was.

Does she know about your ED? You of course don't have to tell her, I wouldn't in the same situation. But her reaction would look different if she knows/doesn't know.

I wouldn't want to sit next to someone eating curry, I detest curry. Doesn't mean I don't like my colleagues who do eat it!

We have a no smelly food in the office rule. Triggered by the lady who used to bring in partially rotting fish every day and eat it at her desk. We have a kitchen are designated for eating aswell so are expected to eat hot food there.

True Jerseysilk I once threw up in Marylebone Station when someone was smoking near me when I was pregnant. I didn't expect them to move, but I hope they weren't offended, either.

Clearly she's not doing it on purpose but that's not the point.

Hi Talk to HR if you can. My work would meet your requirements as a reasonable adjustment under the Equality Act. I am not a lawyer so I don’t know if your situation fits that legislation, but a lot of workplaces would make allowances for you to make sure they’re on the right side of the law.

Very very well done on getting help. It’s a tough one

Nobody's telling anyone not to eat at work. But if the colleague wants to be arsey and sit next to the OP whilst eating curry, knowing it makes her sick, then she's being an arse, and she'll just have to be offended when the OP goes off to be sick.

The OP has said very clearly that all food smells make her panicky and prone to vomit. Not simply curry.

No-one has said anything about being told not to eat.

The point is that her colleagues will feel uncomfortable eating anything given its impact on OP.

Pro tip:

Be sick on their food if you hands-free purge.

(That's a joke obviously, I don't want to encourage purging but that's what I used to say to my husband if he ate around me)

Why chomp at the desk if you're not working? That's weird.

No advice for you, OP. I don't think you can change the world, though.

The colleague may or may not be entitled to eat smelly food at her desk - depends on the work rules
BUT

• unless the OP omitted a lot - the colleague is the one bullying if she is complaining to management that a colleague throws up when she does so.

Maybe the OP could go to HR and say she is worried there has been a complaint against her

• this might also be a nudge to them to look into colleague's attitude

and maybe even ban eating at desks as a "reasonable adjustment" to the OP's medical problem

Our office rule is food is only eaten in the office if its a snack and can beat eaten one handed.

Eating a curry is inconsiderate regardless of your eating disorder and no one should take breaks at their desk its not healthy and is usually a cop out for having another break later.

Your office needs some house rules.

Wishing you alot of love at the start of your journey and well done for accepting help.

I only once had an office based job. One of the reasons I hated it was this culture of constant eating around me. It would start with people making those porridge things in a pot, then it was constant biscuits and nuts until lunchtime. The choice of what to get for lunch would have been discussed at length through the morning. Lunch would then be bought and brought back to the office. Then it was chomp chomp discuss discuss. The afternoon would be peppered with cake, biscuits, nuts and discussion of what would be eaten at home for the evening meal. I really really don't think I have any issues around food (although I hate hearing people eat noisily and would have to leave a room) Its difficult to explain but I enjoy food but in the right context. So enjoy eating at home or at people's homes or in a restaurant but really have a problem with seeing people walking around eating in the street or at an office desk. So YANBU, if people have a lunch break why do they feel the need to eat at their desks?