Am I actually unreasonable here? (Eating disorder related)

[PixieXox]

I'd like to start off by stating that I know my attitudes aren't entirely normal and I try to stop it affecting others as much as possible so I'll include the backstory but I'm apparently unreasonable so here we go

I've only really recently started treatment for my eating disorder that has been building up for the last year. My work have been very supportive about it but I have bad anxiety which is worsened when I'm around food. The main instance is that if I'm working and someone starts eating near me (think loud things like crisps or things that smell at all...) I can start to lose focus and panic. I'm looking at better coping mechanisms but very much in the early stages just now.

My go to reaction when someone does this is just to take 5 minutes away, then come back when the environment is better. Normally I'd avoid it anyway by sitting in a quieter area but whatever works. The reason for this is that the sound/smell of food when I'm not prepped can send me into a bit of a panic and if I've eaten already I can't keep it down.

Over the last few weeks, a colleague has started sitting beside me after my shift has started which is fine - she can sit where she wants and I can't / won't try to dictate that. She has lunch at her desk rather than the canteen and it's often something like curry and crisps while reading the news (not working through lunch or anything, just munching and chilling).

I think I do visably panic, to be honest I'm crying inside so I imagine it showed slightly but I excused myself as calmly as I could and ended up being sick a few times (wasn't the best day.) when I came back though she demanded to know where I had been. I was a bit and said I'd needed a bit of fresh air to which she said I was personally offending her and that she could eat what she wanted where she wanted. She said she was reporting me to management but not sure if this has happened yet.

Genuinely curious if I'm unreasonable for not being able to sit breathing in curry. It seems like such a silly thing to me but she seemed genuinely offended that I left. I know it's not anyone else's fault that it stresses me btw, I wasn't feeling any negativity towards her I just needed away.

Do you think that person might be reading more into it and assume you have an issue with them personally? Perhaps they think you are making a judgement about them or their choice of food (I know some people get annoyed about strong smelling food being eaten outside of a canteen/kitchen). Do they know you have an eating disorder?

The OP will have to go through formal disablity procedures to request reasonable adjustments. It's then up to the employer to decide if they think it's a reasonable adjustment or not based on a number of factors.

@riding yeah poor them feeling uncomfortable

She has no/ little control over an eating disorder.
They are perfectly in control of how they respond to it.

If I worked with someone who dashed off every time food was around her I'd be concerned and assume something was up. I wouldn't get arsey and make it all about me

YANBU.

I have/had anorexia. I wasn't exactly the same but I hated being around food as it was all I could concentrate on if being eaten nearby. I used to my freak my friends out as if they were eating I'd be constantly staring at them. They'd then offer me some food and I'd say no. I remember smelling cakes sometimes to try and imagine what it tasted like, after being offered a cake, then never actually eating the cake. It was physically painful for me to wait people eat so I spent most of my lunch breaks going for walks. This was before I received treatment.

I understand how hard it is.

It doesn't help that this person is being petty.

Anyway, your recovery from your eating disorder comes before someone's feelings from work who is quite frankly being very silly.

Also I'm glad you know you have a problem now and are setting out to recover. That's a massive step, so well done. Keep going and be proud of yourself. It's fucking hard but worth it in the end.

It's not clear from the OP if the colleague knows she has an ED. But even if she does people don't necessarily understand how they work.
You can't expect everyone in the workplace to understand mental health issues and and make appropriate allowance for it.

OP's management will have to make a decision on what allowances they will make for the OP and how much her issues are impacting her colleagues. Perhaps her colleagues will be understanding and all will be fine. But if they all feel like they can't eat at work as it sets OP off, that may cause problems.

I understand that this must be very difficult for you as it is causing you a great deal of anxiety and discomfort, but I think you will need to be much more proactive in the way you manage it. No one in their right mind, knowing what you've said here, would think you are BU, but on the face of it, based on your behaviour on that occasion, a lot of people may have taken offence.

It must have appeared to the woman that you were either being very uptight about her eating food or that you had an issue with her as a person.

I think you have to make this issue known to people, probably via your managers and HR department, and also tell people you work closely with. It's something which you are going to need support with and I'm sure people will go along with that but it is a fairly unusual and extreme reaction to people eating and you can't expect people to understand this without some preparation on your part.

As aside, all these people saying its "offensive" to eat smelly food in an office, WTAF? Really? In the OP's case its entirely understandable but do the rest of you without eating disorders really think this? How do you get through life with attitudes like this?

It is offensive to eat smelly food in the office, why should everyone be subjected to the stink. I have a colleague who microwaves fish every day, they now aren't allowed to eat in the office and have to go to the canteen. I love fish but I don't want to be smelling it all day

The thing is, this woman doesn't know the issues. So as far as she's concerned the OP has been extremely rude to her by reacting to her food by heaving and throwing up as though she was munching on a bush tucker trial and not a perfectly normal curry. In general someone reacting to food by making it clear it makes them want to throw up is rude unless you're aware there is an issue.

So one thing to do might be if a 'no eating at desks' rule is enforced by management provided there is somewhere else to go which might solve it?

The thing is OP, would this genuinely solve the issue? I've come across a similar situation before where there were underlying control issues and literally no matter what you did to help that person the next week there would be another problem be it with imaginary dirt or unclear desks or windows being shut or too much noise.

Riding and yet her colleague deliberately sits next to her while eating, then says she's offended when the OP goes off to be sick. Is she supposed to be sick on the spot?

DD would have to move if someone came and sat next to her and ate anything greasy. The alternative would be to throw up on the spot.

Really though??

It's offensive that the OP went out? One time?
There are literally hundreds of reasons why she might have needed to get up and go out right then.
She might have had to go talk to someone
She might have needed a massive shit
She may have remembered she needed to make a phone call
She might have been hot
She might have felt unwell and needed to go outside for fresh air

I could go on...

I can't fathom why someone would make a complaint just because a person they sat next to got up and left the room for 10 minutes

Sorry should have said rude not offensive

And to the people saying that reasonable adjustments may not help... you're right. They may not

And the OP hasn't asked anyone to do anything different than they normally would.
She's dealing with it by taking a few minutes out when she needs to.

It affects nobody but her. And if her boss is ok with her doing this then I really fail to see what the problem is

I think the woman was rude to comment, and I think that if you want to eat at your desk, then avoiding smelly foods is the general rule.

But I think people should be able to eat (non smelly) food at their desk if they want. I don't think it's reasonable to expect that no one eats in the office because one person doesn't like it. It would be like saying that everyone in an office must fast at Ramadan so they don't upset the person fasting. People need to eat.

If she does report you I would not say anything about smelly food unless you know it against the rules, in which case report her for breaking the rules.

If the rules are that you can eat any food including smelly food then you don't have a leg to stand on. You will just have to work round it as best you can. Change seats and avoid this woman who is a clearly horrible

Maybe she thought you were being racist because of the curry ( racist attitudes received by some south Asians) thing? Like you were making a show of how gross and smelly the curry was?

If she doesn’t know your history then she won’t read into it as inoffensive.

I don't have an eating disorder and I would hate someone eating curry and chips at the next desk to me. I would think it was completely antisocial - I've never seen anyone do it at my work and don't think it would be allowed.

Over the last few weeks, a colleague has started sitting beside me after my shift has started which is fine - she can sit where she wants and I can't / won't try to dictate that

Did she come on shift after you or was she already on shift and moved desk when you arrived?

Unless there’s a backstory or she’s your boss, she sounds v high handed to be demanding to know where you’ve been and threatening to report you.

I’d let her report away. Maybe it will lead to a change in office policy and people will be told to eat highly smelly food in the canteen.

I put vanilla perfume oil on my wrist and rest my chin in my hand so I mostly only smell the vanilla. Smelling salts could be helpful too. I keep them both with me at my desk.

You're entitled to confidentiality, no one should be told anything without your consent. I'd expect my manager to sort this out though, you likely meet the definition of disability in the EA so they should put something in place for you and sort out the ridiculous complaint.

Obviously you'd need a scent that works for you!

This not eating at desks thing many of you have sounds totally unworkable, I don't take lunch breaks (too busy) so would I just not have to eat

She didn't just get up and leave though did she? That would be fine. She became distressed and disgusted at the sight of her food then went (probably quite speedily and obviously) to vomit.

I think, from her POV, the other woman may well feel she is the one being bullied. If she's not aware of the underlying issues it might feel to her that a colleague is trying to humiliate her by implying what she is eating is disgusting or having an overreaction to pressure her to change her behaviour.

It's probably an issue of poor communication here and two people who probably quite reasonably feel they have a grievance but neither genuinely does because one person isn't in possession of the full facts and therefore hasn't been able to adjust their behaviour accordingly.

If I need to be sick, I'm not discreet about it, because that's not my immediate concern.

I don't have an eating disorder but I do have migraines, and I similarly ask for adjustments to my working area (different lighting, avoiding chemical smells etc).

My colleagues are all lovely and cooperative about it. I'd honestly be appalled if they took that sort of attitude to REQUESTS.

I don't like lower lighting etc for fun - I have it so that I can recover more quickly and be less likely to relapse.

The fact that you left the room was not her fault, and she had no right to interrogate you about it.

"think I do visably panic, to be honest I'm crying inside so I imagine it showed slightly but I excused myself as calmly as I could "

Is what OP said.
Not sure how you got disgusted and distressed and "obviously" rushing away to vomit from that

tappitytaptap a lot of employers have the rule to enforce a lunch break as it's actually illegal to not have one and employers are often worried about being caught out