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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We are getting separate bedrooms, and I’m delighted.

108 replies

Funclesmuck · 23/12/2017 22:41

So me and DH are giving ourselves the best Christmas present we can for each other. A bedroom each. We have been married for many years (decades) have a healthy sex life and love each other dearly. But, we are totally incompatable sleep wise. I go to bed early but wake up in the night and need to turn on the tv or read for about an hour before I drop off again. He comes to bed late then likes absolute silence whilst he snores himself himself into a coma for six hours. so we redecorated the spare room, bought a lovely new bed and have had a lovely few weeks sleep. My AIBU is we have MIL & FIL staying for xmas, MIL commented on how nice the spare room is now. So I told her it’s now my room, she is horrified!! Apparently my marriage is now dead in the water and her son will be looking for a new wife ASAP! She’s being silly isn’t she? Or am I being unreasonable wanting a good nights sleep?

OP posts:
Notagainmun · 24/12/2017 08:14

DH and I sleep fine together, mostly. On the odd night one of us can't sleep, alcohol induced snoring is usually the case, we move to the spare room.

Pansythepotter · 24/12/2017 08:18

I would say that separate bedrooms saved our marriage, we would wake up so fraught each morning because of lack of sleep.

I loved decorating my own room. I have a space where everything is put away and my bed is so snug. My DH likes to have everything on the surface. Shavers, deodorants, tech equipment. The night time restlessness accompanied by the bedroom being lit by his iPad drove me nuts.

I like to be warm in bed, but have a window open. I snore and fidget and get up several times. We are both winners.

KrisCringleWinterWonderland · 24/12/2017 08:18

We essentially have separate bedrooms though dh camps out in the front room with a spare mattress. I'm not keen tbh, because he's only doing it to about me moaning at him about the snoring and I think he has a genuine medical condition that needs sorting. But he wont. Gah

donajimena · 24/12/2017 08:25

I don't live with my OH yet but we plan to in a few years (when kids grow up) I have said from the get go I'll be wanting my own room and to my surprise he was very enthusiastic. I'll get to decorate it as I want
We both have very different sleep habits I like to read in bed whereas he wants lights out. I don't like the tv on in bed except for the news. The thought of compromising on this was quite stressful.

packofbaloobas · 24/12/2017 08:26

Yanbu.separate bedrooms here for 16 years.and DH brings me in a cup of tea every morning.whats not to like!

ivykaty44 · 24/12/2017 08:32

Your MIL has a distinct view of night time sex & sleep. Probably layback and thought of England with the lights off

Tell MIL that you have a gratifying sex life with the lights on and plenty of passion so with dh having empty balls you doubt he’s got any issues

thethoughtfox · 24/12/2017 08:38

Tell her not to worry as you do it on the kitchen table or whatever chair/ sofa she is sitting on!

AstridWhite · 24/12/2017 08:45

Dh and I have exactly the same issues as you OP.

He'd be devastated if I suggested separate bedrooms though. He'd take it very, very personally even though he's constantly complaining about my nocturnal fidgeting and online activity.

We also have the added problem that he loves our new mattress whereas I find it incredibly uncomfortable and it is giving me a really bad back, which just makes my sleep disturbance even worse. I wake every morning feeling more exhausted than when I went to bed. I have the most enormous bags under my eyes and I ache from head to foot, have done for months. It's really getting me down.

Thedietstartsnow · 24/12/2017 08:46

I've always wondered who's stupid idea it was ,the expectation that a married couple share a bed / bedroom...must of been a mans idea..I love my dh ,married 25 yrs ,but I long for my own bedroom / bed.kids are all leaving home ,and we have a spare bedroom now,but he was so hurt when I suggested it🙁We are mid 40s so maybe in another 10 yrs I will suggest it again....I'm sure we'd have such fun sneaking in to each other's rooms...I just miss having my own space 😟

BMW6 · 24/12/2017 08:48

DH & I have had our own bedrooms for the last 8 years, for the same reasons as pp's. I was apprehensive in disclosing this to my sisters as I thought they would assume we had problems, but it came out in conversation and it transpires we ALL have separate rooms!
I think it is far more common than perceived.

Sofabitch · 24/12/2017 08:49

Tell her if its good enough for the queen and prince phillip then its fine for you.

Thedietstartsnow · 24/12/2017 08:49

Astriswhite,have you thought of getting a mattress topper out of memory foam...get one for a single bed and just have it on yr side

Eminybob · 24/12/2017 08:49

Although we don’t have separated Roos, one for the other of us often moves into the spare room at some point in the night. I sleep badly, or snore, which disturbs dh, so he moves, and sometimes if I’m not able to sleep, moving onto the nice cool sheets of the spare bed makes me comfortable enough to drop off again.

Unfortunately we are planning to move DS in there from the box room in the new year, so will have to say bye bye to the 2nd king size bed Sad

Eminybob · 24/12/2017 08:50

*beds not Roos Confused

BMW6 · 24/12/2017 08:53

Blimey Astrid for the sake of your physical and mental health I really think you need to talk to your DH again about a solution. Not on that you are not getting decent painless sleep. His feelings shouldn't trump your health surely?

AstridWhite · 24/12/2017 08:53

I've got one. Sad

It's still not working. SadAngry

This mattress cost an absolute fortune and is a hybrid memory foam/pocket spring thing anyway, but it is just SO firm. I spent ages on choosing it so I am so pissed off. We were warned it might feel a bit firm to begin with but would soften up with use, which is typical with memory foam apparently but it's been 8 months and it still feels like it's made of bricks to me. I'm sure the one in the shop felt much softer.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/12/2017 09:12

Dh and I sleep separately too. Bliss. I know someone, who married a couple of years ago. They slept in separate beds before marriage. She managed not to be an old maid Grin

LadyB49 · 24/12/2017 09:22

We share a bedroom.
However, dh snores, I have restless legs syndrome and severe insomnia. We go to bed together and if snoring/insomnia/RLS are an issue, which they are every night I eventually migrate to the spare room. When I've woken for the day I'll generally to back to 'our bed' and we wake up together.
The two spare rooms are used by dgc on sleepovers. I made sure that one of them is decorated suitable for my dgd (10) and myself.

My part time sleeping in this room happened gradually but it's not really considered that we have separate rooms.

Lucisky · 24/12/2017 09:37

We have had separate rooms for nearly 20 years, due to totally different sleeping habits. It's lovely. I think it's a generational thing, because when his parents found out (who were very old fashioned) apparently his father asked him, in a hushed worried voice, why were we sleeping apart?! Obviously they thought the next step was separation. Couldn't be further from the truth. I think it enhances our relationship because we are not constantly griping at each other about snoring, farting etc.
We now also have separate bathrooms - I can really recommend that as well.

ceecee32 · 24/12/2017 09:41

I have just started a new relationship after b

GrooovyLass · 24/12/2017 09:41

My DP and I have separate houses - 7 years in and it's working for us!

80sMum · 24/12/2017 09:43

DH and I have had separate bedrooms for at least 10 years. I'm not sure we would still be together if we didn't!

However, one of the side-effects of having got so used to having undisturbed sleep is that we find that we no longer like to stay in hotels or B&Bs on holiday, so we always go self-catering now, to a place with at least two bedrooms.

ceecee32 · 24/12/2017 09:45

Well that failed..... new relationship of about 3 months. I have lived alone for about 20 years and he for about 10. It didn't take long for us to realise that both of us didn't get any sleep when we tried to share a bed. It was just too disturbing to have someone else in the same bed. I like all the space in my big king size and we both snore.
We still meet up every night and morning when he stays and hopefully we might progress to a full night together but to be honest I'd we don't, it doesn't really matter

ButchyRestingFace · 24/12/2017 09:47

Tell your mother in law you’re still shagging like rabbits on every piece of fixed furniture in the house, so she shouldn’t worry on that score.

My amazement isn’t that any couples have separate bedrooms, it’s that any couples don’t.

Assuming the couples who sleep in the same bed must be very deep sleepers.

IfNot · 24/12/2017 09:52

I have always maintained that if I ever live with a man again I need my own room.
In fact I have suggested separate rooms in the past with men I have lived with, and they have always been VERY against..I think they see it as a barrier to sex, whereas I like the idea of reserving a little mystery, a bit of distance. It's sexier to invite your man into your boudoir then to be stepping over his dirty keks, and getting undressed in front of him every night in your comfy bra. There is such a thing as too much intimacy.
Actually, insofar as men being against it; women generally sleep more lightly that men anyway, plus men tend to snore more so women's health suffers more from bed sharing than men's does, which is really mot fair.