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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We are getting separate bedrooms, and I’m delighted.

108 replies

Funclesmuck · 23/12/2017 22:41

So me and DH are giving ourselves the best Christmas present we can for each other. A bedroom each. We have been married for many years (decades) have a healthy sex life and love each other dearly. But, we are totally incompatable sleep wise. I go to bed early but wake up in the night and need to turn on the tv or read for about an hour before I drop off again. He comes to bed late then likes absolute silence whilst he snores himself himself into a coma for six hours. so we redecorated the spare room, bought a lovely new bed and have had a lovely few weeks sleep. My AIBU is we have MIL & FIL staying for xmas, MIL commented on how nice the spare room is now. So I told her it’s now my room, she is horrified!! Apparently my marriage is now dead in the water and her son will be looking for a new wife ASAP! She’s being silly isn’t she? Or am I being unreasonable wanting a good nights sleep?

OP posts:
Lana1234 · 23/12/2017 23:54

Yanbu! I love my DP but I'd love my own room away from his snoring and his random shouting in the middle of the night such as "ZOMBIES!" the other night Xmas Smile if it works for you forget what MIL says!

DingDongDenny · 23/12/2017 23:58

We mostly sleep in seperate rooms, we are both really light sleepers. I always say I love going to sleep with DH and I love waking up with him, but hate sleeping with him. So now he brings me a cup of tea in the morning and we have a cuddle - perfect

Marriedwithchildren5 · 24/12/2017 00:07

Is this really a thing!!?? No way. Far prefer sleeping with dh than having my own room. Perhaps my own bathroom. DH might appreciate it though.

pangolina · 24/12/2017 00:08

I have my own room, have done for about 12 years. I love it!!

NotTheQueen · 24/12/2017 00:11

We sleep in separate rooms.... he went to the spare room as our mattress is crap. We can’t share a double bed comfortably as DH is a starfish and I gave myself a black eye on the corner of the bedside cabinet. I snore. We’re together 13 years, and still get lucky regularly. I think our cat sitter guesses but no one else knows

NoSwsForYou · 24/12/2017 00:13

I’ve just sent DP this link. Excellent idea!

CatsMother66 · 24/12/2017 00:15

We have always had separate rooms as I can’t stand dh’s snoring and we both love to stretch out. I make no secret of it and if it comes up in conversation then more often than not the others talking will admit to it too. I think it’s more common than people realise.

DramaAlpaca · 24/12/2017 00:18

Separate bedrooms here too, married 27 years. We have completely different sleep schedules, he's a lark & I'm a night owl. So separate bedrooms with visiting rights Wink works for us.

Overthehillsandfaraway8 · 24/12/2017 00:34

My parents always had separate rooms. We have tried it when snoring drove me mad, but I felt very lonely. I would like a super king size bed now!!

rcit · 24/12/2017 00:37

Agree the only problem was telling mil

Sunnysidegold · 24/12/2017 00:41

It's a bit of a taboo amongst our friends. People seem to think it equates to no sex but actually that hasn't been adversely affected at all. I can go to bed when I want, oh gets the bedroom tv we always disagreed on, I can read to my heart's content. My snoring (apparently( will not keep him awake and his frequent wanderings in the night don't wake
I love getting into my bed knowing I have all the space I want and all the blankets to myself. I think some marriages could be greatly improved by separate bedrooms.

Pasithea · 24/12/2017 00:45

Would love to as dh snores. Kicks and hits my flailing around all night. We have separate duvets but he will not go for separate rooms.

Maryz · 24/12/2017 00:52

We have a superking bed (have had it since youngest was about 3 and we often had 5 in a bed Hmm) but i'm now wondering if separate rooms is the way to go.

The only problem is that I don't think dh would move. And I don't want to move into the scutty vacated-by-teenager room. I want my bed, in my room

Originalfoogirl · 24/12/2017 00:53

We have our own rooms too. Can’t sleep with his snoring, started off that I would try sleeping in the same room, but half the time ended up in the spare room, then decided just to go to different rooms from the start. We both sleep much better and our marriage is smoother because we are less grumpy.

Plus, our girl can climb in my bed in the middle of the night if she wants to!

NextIndia · 24/12/2017 00:55

God, I'd love my own bedroom. I quite like a cuddle and my DH snores too but I would just like it to have my own S P A C E.

SnowKidsarehere · 24/12/2017 01:01

We have had separate rooms for 15 of our 35 years together.

Dh is a lights out, duvet wrapped, pitch black, windows closed, needs 8 hours minimum sleeper

I am a restless, up & down, windows open, light sheet, sleep for 4-5 hours sleeper.

Sleeping together was always fraught. This way we both sleep better, are happier when awake and have great sex in either room. What’s not to love?

blueskypink · 24/12/2017 01:06

Am really heartened by this thread. Since dcs started going to uni and there have been empty beds we've slept apart more and more frequently. I love it. DH is a terrible snorer and I'm prone to insomnia - recipe for a sleepless night.

I've been worried that our arrangement was unusual and a sign of us growing apart. So I'm really pleased to see so many of you like your own beds!

As it's Xmas we're back to a full house though and I'm wondering whether a comfy bed with DH snoring or a not so comfy sofa in a quiet living room is the better option Confused

Rainbowmother · 24/12/2017 01:12

My best friend has always said since she was a teen that she didn't want to share a room with her future husband.

I have no idea why she was thinking about this back then but her thoughts were she would like a room all to herself for her things and they could visits each other's rooms for sleepovers but not every night.

Sleep is really important to her as a lack of it makes her tinnitus bad.

She did put forward a very good case

Situp · 24/12/2017 01:23

OP I am 8 months pregnant and currently lying in a bunk bed with both my children because of DH's snoring. Sadly I can still hear him through the wall. I go to bed around 9:30 and get a few decent hours sleep before he comes to bed around 2 and ruins my night. In addition, he gets really cold in the night so puts on the radiator and sleeps in a hoodie whilst I am dying from heat exhaustion.

YANBU. I envy you. I love my husband but have spent many many nights plotting his demise.

Nanny0gg · 24/12/2017 01:29

My grandparents (born in the late 1800s) had seperate rooms for as long as I can remember.
My sister and BiL do.

And now DH and I do too (older generation).

And it's fab! I can still hear the snoring but can ignore. And now I sleep through most nights it is rare for me to need the nocturnal loo visit that people think is a part of growing older. It only happens because you get woken up!

Nanny0gg · 24/12/2017 01:30

We have separate duvets but he will not go for separate rooms.

Why does he get to decide?

EllieThornton · 24/12/2017 01:41

We have had separate bedrooms for years, and my DH and I couldn't be happier.
Unfortunately, I talk in my sleep, (as if I don't do enough during waking hours), get up for the loo on the hour, every hour, and thrash about a bit when I dream. The deciding moment was when I punched DH in the face at 3am when I was having a particularly vivid dream. We then decided it was probably better for our marriage, and his health, that we had separate rooms.

Roussette · 24/12/2017 07:35

And here I am awake since and 6.30am and DH in 'his' room snoring for Britain and will be for at least another 2 hours. I always wake early.

I've only had about 6 hours but that's fine... however 6 hours disturbed by DH's visits to the loo and snoring would be horrendous and I would be so so irritable today if we'd been in the same room.

My friend thinks she has a much stronger marriage because they are in same bedroom. However, both have awful disturbed sleep and the only reason they do stay in the same bed is because your DH insists. My other friend has been rocking the seperate bedroom for about as long as us!

Roussette · 24/12/2017 07:36

*because her DH insists

Kookietoo · 24/12/2017 08:04

Another separate bedrooms couple here too! I find this thread reassuring although, even if other people don’t like it, it really doesn’t matter, does it? You just do what is good for you & we are all different.

We never officially agreed to it, it just happened naturally because I was co-sleeping with my LO & DH couldn’t get any sleep. Now we are 5 years down the line & LO is in own bed but we are still in separate bedrooms & perfectly happy with it. DH is a very bad snorer & now I snore too (apparently!) so we are better off like this. We’ve been together 17 years & never been happier. We don’t go shouting about the arrangement but in fact my MIL know as she is a regular guest (when she stay my LO comes in with me & she has his bed) & she’s never commented on it. We recently had a night away in a hotel & although we did share a bed (with earplugs!) I didn’t get a good sleep at all & couldn’t wait to have my own bed again the next night. I love it!