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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you would deal with this FIL

82 replies

alwayschangingcircles · 23/12/2017 12:14

Not officially FIL but boyfriend's dad. Will refer as FIL throughout for ease.

Been together six months. FIL has a lot of money and likes to remind everyone of this on the daily. Comments such as "Oh, that reminds me, I just bought this [item worth 100k], do you want to see?" and will then pass pics on his phone around the table for everyone to look at said item. This will happen in various forms each time me and boyfriend eat with them.

Boyfriend lives on FIL's estate (he pays rent)/ (has said he will move out due to recent events) but not with them, so PIL are unavoidable.

My boyfriend and his ex had a bad ending, and my FIL is completely hung up on her. Not exaggerating when I say FIL will bring her up "as a joke" each time I am there. Comment will usually be something like "Saw X's car the other day, going to smash it up next time!" or "Spoke to X the other day" (he didn't) "she said she's going to pop round and say hello to us all, ha ha ha ha" and so on.

Another time I told FIL I was going to look at a certain make of car. He disagreed with my choice, I then said I like the car and don't agree with his opinion, and he turned to boyfriend and said "Can you get the old one back, she never used to disagree with me?". Cue mad laughter from FIL and no comment from boyfriend.

Boyfriend is not good at defending me and it took me saying something to him (along the lines of, Would you mind saying something to him, his comments make me uncomfortable) for him to step up.

My FIL's other thing is to constantly remind of all he does for people. For example, if I stay for dinner, he will say to me "Blimey, you come to my house, eat my food, use my WiFi, anything else you need while you're here?!". And so on.

Boyfriend got me a necklace for my birthday, one that I had previously told him I loved, and while we were eating, FIL said "That necklace a birthday present was it? [Boyfriend] isn't very good at those"

I asked what he meant, saying it's a lovely present trying to stick up for boyfriend, and FIL said "But it's not a lovely present though, is it?".

I turned to boyfriend to ask what he meant and it transpired that boyfriend had asked FIL to swing by the shop and pick it up for him.

I though this was so nasty and just can't comprehend why he wanted to belittle boyfriend (and me) in this way, and so randomly too.

After that, FIL said another comment about the ex GF, something nasty and to provoke me and I just burst into tears. I'd had a shit week and couldn't stop myself. Soon as I was crying, FIL started saying over and over how I was in his house and if I didn't like what he was going to talk about then I should get out.

At no point did anyone else at the table stick up for me.

Boyfriend and I have been butting heads about it since, I feel he lets his dad treat him abusively (he does, lots of other nastiness goes on) and he also hasn't stuck up for me and stood up to his father.

I've explained to boyfriend that while I'll be cordial, I have absolutely no intention of making any type of effort with his family from here on out.

Sorry it's a long one, but, AIBU to do this, or should I close my ears to my FIL and continue as we were, going for Sunday dinners etc. at theirs for the sake of boyfriend?

OP posts:
Justwaitingforaline · 23/12/2017 12:17

I think it’s your boyfriend you should be annoyed at. He should be putting FIL in his place and telling him not to speak to you like that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2017 12:18

I'd break up with the boyfriend. Having married someone whose family I didn't get on with... I would never make that choice again. Your BF won't say anything. He's in the FOG and needs to get himself out.

Smitff · 23/12/2017 12:20

Leave them to it. Your bf has got issues he needs to sort out. You don’t need to be the battleground for that. Leave while you can.

lazyarse123 · 23/12/2017 12:21

Your boyfriend is probably so used to this behaviour and doesn't know how to confront it. I would stop going with him and when asked why just say you don't feel welcome

Namechangetempissue · 23/12/2017 12:24

Honestly, I would split with the boyfriend. FIL sounds like a manipulative bully and there is no way I would put up with that shit -certainly not with BF just allowing it to happen.

Floralnomad · 23/12/2017 12:24

You are way too early on in a relationship to be having these kind of problems .

singingdetective · 23/12/2017 12:28

At that point you should have walked out and told your (hopefully soon ex) boyfriend to jog on. This will not get any better.

ChinkChink · 23/12/2017 12:31

How would I?

I'd tackle it myself. The old classic, 'Do you realise how rude you're being?' would either dampen down his ebullience and make him think twice, or it would dissuade further invites.

Either way, win win.

The guy sounds crass and entitled rather than outright nasty and for that reason I don't blame your boyfriend entirely - rock and a hard place for him. This will be his father for always, whereas you...might not be his girlfriend for always. And one doesn't like to be on bad terms with one's parents.

In any case I'd feel pathetic if someone had to stick up for me.

Doobigetta · 23/12/2017 12:31

I'd definitely be declining to go with your bf when he visits his dad, and being straight about why rather than making excuses. Try that for a bit, and see if it makes any difference to any of the relationships- e.g does it cause problems between you and bf, is he prodded into standing up for you, does the FiL's behaviour get any better?

Amatree · 23/12/2017 12:38

The FiL sounds awful but your BF is behaving horribly. I would leave someone without hesitation who could just sit there and let me be treated that way. I just couldn't respect him apart from anything else. A lot of people have unpleasant in laws but the determining factor as to whether it's a deal breaker or not in the relationship has to be how the partner deals with it. Unless you're a team 100% and he stands up for you and has your back, run a mile. And don't be left thinking that FiL broke up the relationship, he didn't BF did.

Amatree · 23/12/2017 12:38

And agree with others, when this behaviour starts just get up and leave. You get to decide how you let other people treat you.

AdaColeman · 23/12/2017 12:38

Well FIL isn't going to change, and Boyfriend isn't going to challenge his rich bully of a Dad.
Sooo....
Run for the hills while you can, and don't look back.

TheHolidayArmadillo · 23/12/2017 12:48

I'd have a think about whether you like the boyfriend enough to be potentially putting up with a lifetime of arsehole behaviour.

Tistheseason17 · 23/12/2017 12:48

You make no mention of MIL - does FIL treat her this way? ie. demeaning? If yes, then run for the hills as your BF is going to repeat history and sees this as acceptable.

It is not.

You cannot fix your BF - find one that treats their GF with respect.

VictoriaMildrew · 23/12/2017 12:49

You KNOW that you are not being unreasonable for being upset by FIL's behaviour (it's appalling!!) BUT...why do you need your BF to stick up for you? No way IN HELL I would put up with that...from anyone!! (But then, I'm probably a lot older and feistier, with years of professional experience at dealing with bullies). Easy to give advice OP, I know, but honestly, stand up for yourself...you will feel amazing afterwards. It's empowering. 💐 for you xx

Maelstrop · 23/12/2017 12:57

Up until the bit where he told you he could talk about what he likes and you could get out if you didn’t like it, I thought he was just socially awkward/on the spectrum. Now I think he’s controlling and a massive bully. If your DP isn’t sticking up for you, you have choices. You can either give the bloke a mouthful or you could ask him why he’s such a twat, both of which will probably result in a ban from his house (I wonder if he’d suddenly respect you sticking up for yourself-doubtful, I reckon.)

Other choices are walking away or tiptoeing round trying to avoid him, but how long can you do this for? Can you see this as a long term thing and would you bring kids into the mix?

juneau · 23/12/2017 12:59

Ugh - your bf's dad sounds utterly toxic - but I can't say I'm surprised that your bf keeps his head down. There are only two ways to deal with people like that - try to ignore them as best you can (which gives you a quieter life), or stand up to them (but then the shit hits the fan and there is endless rancour and acrimony).

I agree that you should think long and hard about whether you want to continue being in this relationship. This man is going to be in your life for a long, long time and whether you engage with him or not he's not going anywhere and unless your bf cuts him out of his life he's likely to throw a shadow over your relationship until he pops his clogs. My FIL was also awful, but he liked me, so we never had that issue. He was just a racist, right-wing bigot, with obnoxious views on everything and he never shut up. That, believe me, was bad enough. Plus, for most of our relationship he was a decent flight away from us. I still had to tolerate him for 15 years though. When you marry someone, you marry their family too. Remember that.

Notonthestairs · 23/12/2017 13:00

This - "You cannot fix your BF - find one that treats their GF with respect."

And this "why do you need your BF to stick up for you?"

This dynamic will never change - it will have been going on for years. Walk away.

ObscuredbyFog · 23/12/2017 13:01

Decline dinner invitations, help BF to stand up to his Father, this has probably been the norm since he was a child so it's not going to be an overnight thing.

What does BF do for a living, if it's tied into the family business or is firstborn and heir to the Estate, he's unlikely ever to be free of his Father's influence so you may have to brush up on your telling FIL where the boundaries are and telling him when he's overstepping them. It doesn't have to be confrontational, but it's not easy with dominant crass men like him.

It's very early days in your r'ship, at 6 months it should be fun and hugs, if you want a long term r'ship with BF, and if he's tied to the family financially in any way, you have to be prepared to deal with FIL too.

FizzyGreenWater · 23/12/2017 13:04

Boyfriend is not good at defending me

it transpired that boyfriend had asked FIL to swing by the shop and pick it up for him

he also hasn't stuck up for me and stood up to his father.

In this situation, the absolute best option is to dump.

Your bf not only can't or won't stand up for you, he's so far from actually recognising that his father is a malign influence that you have no hope of creating a situation here where you are actually happy. If he had any perspective on this, he would never have asked his father to pick up your gift from the shop - he should have known how it would pan out. Co-dependent, blind, enmeshed.

It's never going to work out that FIL completely changes his personality, so the best you can hope for is either your bf goes no contact for your sake, or you have a fractured life where you stay away from his parents. That's a complete pain, undermines your relationship and rockets up in complete awfulness if, for example, you get married and have kids.

Six months - cut your losses.

Motoko · 23/12/2017 13:07

I wonder why his last relationship ended? It wouldn't surprise me if his ex suffered the same treatment, with FIL going on about the girlfriend before her. Perhaps his dad is deliberately trying to break up his son's relationships, so he can belittle your boyfriend, "Can't even keep a girlfriend!".

I agree with pps that this won't change, so you should run, but if you can't do that yet, stop going anywhere that the FIL is, and if you can't avoid him for some reason, you'll have to stick up for yourself. I bet he felt really pleased when he made you cry, so you need to find your anger and give him a piece of your mind.

AstridWhite · 23/12/2017 13:07

I've explained to boyfriend that while I'll be cordial, I have absolutely no intention of making any type of effort with his family from here on out.

Well that's going to go well then, given that you are only six months in. Confused Let's hope for both your sakes you don't end up in it for the long haul. What a long and bumpy road that is going to be.

Seeingadistance · 23/12/2017 13:09

The man sounds obnoxious - a controlling bully who has the power and wealth to get away with it.

I'd walk away from the whole family.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 23/12/2017 13:10

Firstly, I'm BU, because I'm supposed to be cleaning the house right now. We've got friends over later. V V U me! Xmas Grin

But I think the same as lots of PPs. As for what you should do about it...
a) Don't rely on BF to stick up for you, he clearly isn't going to.

b) PLEASE don't do what I would do, which is to pick the 'wrong' battle. Sooooo many times in my life I have justifiable reasons to be upset/annoyed/angry with people around me and I tend to seethe and then blow but because i'm upset and emotional, I then outburst in the wrong direction and end up having to apologise. Please don't do that!

I think you should think clearly about what you do and don't find acceptable. What you will 'let go' and what you will challenge. This is up to you. Then let go the stuff you are able to (or make some of the comments suggested above. Eg "did you mean to be so rude?"). Another good one is "what? What do you mean?" forcing the other person to repeat it. It makes them think about what they are saying and often they don't repeat the comment.

If you find something unacceptable, leave. [don't threaten to leave and then hang around - that's a bit 'sulky teenager']. It's "you're right, FIL, I don't have to like the way you speak to me, and I don't have to sit here and listen to it". Coat on. Gone.

Warn your BF you're going to do this if any of your 'red lines' are crossed.

Good luck. Let us know how you get on, and I hope you manage to have a good christmas.

Right, the bathroom awaits....

sarahjconnor · 23/12/2017 13:14

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