To ask how you would deal with this FIL

[alwayschangingcircles]

Not officially FIL but boyfriend's dad. Will refer as FIL throughout for ease.

Been together six months. FIL has a lot of money and likes to remind everyone of this on the daily. Comments such as "Oh, that reminds me, I just bought this [item worth 100k], do you want to see?" and will then pass pics on his phone around the table for everyone to look at said item. This will happen in various forms each time me and boyfriend eat with them.

Boyfriend lives on FIL's estate (he pays rent)/ (has said he will move out due to recent events) but not with them, so PIL are unavoidable.

My boyfriend and his ex had a bad ending, and my FIL is completely hung up on her. Not exaggerating when I say FIL will bring her up "as a joke" each time I am there. Comment will usually be something like "Saw X's car the other day, going to smash it up next time!" or "Spoke to X the other day" (he didn't) "she said she's going to pop round and say hello to us all, ha ha ha ha" and so on.

Another time I told FIL I was going to look at a certain make of car. He disagreed with my choice, I then said I like the car and don't agree with his opinion, and he turned to boyfriend and said "Can you get the old one back, she never used to disagree with me?". Cue mad laughter from FIL and no comment from boyfriend.

Boyfriend is not good at defending me and it took me saying something to him (along the lines of, Would you mind saying something to him, his comments make me uncomfortable) for him to step up.

My FIL's other thing is to constantly remind of all he does for people. For example, if I stay for dinner, he will say to me "Blimey, you come to my house, eat my food, use my WiFi, anything else you need while you're here?!". And so on.

Boyfriend got me a necklace for my birthday, one that I had previously told him I loved, and while we were eating, FIL said "That necklace a birthday present was it? [Boyfriend] isn't very good at those"

I asked what he meant, saying it's a lovely present trying to stick up for boyfriend, and FIL said "But it's not a lovely present though, is it?".

I turned to boyfriend to ask what he meant and it transpired that boyfriend had asked FIL to swing by the shop and pick it up for him.

I though this was so nasty and just can't comprehend why he wanted to belittle boyfriend (and me) in this way, and so randomly too.

After that, FIL said another comment about the ex GF, something nasty and to provoke me and I just burst into tears. I'd had a shit week and couldn't stop myself. Soon as I was crying, FIL started saying over and over how I was in his house and if I didn't like what he was going to talk about then I should get out.

At no point did anyone else at the table stick up for me.

Boyfriend and I have been butting heads about it since, I feel he lets his dad treat him abusively (he does, lots of other nastiness goes on) and he also hasn't stuck up for me and stood up to his father.

I've explained to boyfriend that while I'll be cordial, I have absolutely no intention of making any type of effort with his family from here on out.

Sorry it's a long one, but, AIBU to do this, or should I close my ears to my FIL and continue as we were, going for Sunday dinners etc. at theirs for the sake of boyfriend?

Contrary to most I feel very sorry for your dp. He must have had a toxic upbringing and feel trapped into this continuing if his life is to stay the same. He needs help/therapy to cope/learn and then he may be able to confront his father. Can he move away, have a more separate life with you, space to stand back and see a new way of living? This of course depends on how much you want the relationship to work. I think standing up to his father can only go so far to solve the problem and your dp may feel he then has to choose one of you and maybe he doesn't have the strength to fight for you atm.

Boyfriend initially said he understands, I never have to go back if I don't want, etc. As time's gone by, he's slowly changed to "I'd like it if you would still come for Xmas/if we could all draw a line under it/I don't think you should come to the estate unless you'll pop into the house to say hello to them or they'll think you're being rude".

Now apparently he too thinks I was rude to FIL in questioning him and he thinks I should apologise. Apparently him and his parents have had another argument this AM regarding the fact that I haven't apologised to FIL and that they all think I'm being stubborn.

Apologise for what? getting upset?

always after reading your last update you need to break up with this pathetic man.
He has spent his life being bullied by his horrible father and he will never ever be able to stand up to him and defend you. There are plenty of posts like this on here. There wa sone recently when the poor OP eventually had to leave her marriage as her DH just couldn’t stand up to his parents and she was supposed to apologise for THEIR behaviour.
The poor lady was almost destroyed by it and her pathetic DH admitted it wasn’t easier to divorce her than stand up to his parents.
It’s never going to get better so get out now before it’s too late

I also have a bullying problem FiL who thinks we should jump to his tunes because he holds the purse strings. Ever since DH stood up to him after one confrontation too many, we have not seen them or spoken to them, I think it's been nearly 3 years now. This was entirely his decision and it also has to be your DP's decision.

Boyfriend rang me saying he doesn't want to be here (alive) anymore, what's the point of it all if we can't get along, he feels he's having to choose etc.

I told him a few times that I would completely understand if he wanted to spend Xmas with them instead of me, I wouldn't make him feel bad about it bla bla bla. I bought his parents some Xmas presents yesterday for him to give to them just to show good grace or whatever. I said I'm not making you choose, I don't understand why it's a problem that if I go there, I'm amicable but nothing more.

He has been bullied and put down by his dad his whole life and I don't think he fully realises how abusive he is although he says he does.

It all keeps coming back to "but at the end of the day they're my family and I love them".

I think this whole thing has shown me a side of BF that I can't look up to, more so that he doesn't seem to respect himself.

Boyfriend and his dad have a habit of saying "It's your choice/opinion, and I completely respect that" and then spending the next hour talking about why the decision in their eyes was wrong/they don't agree with it.

"Boyfriend rang me saying he doesn't want to be here (alive) anymore, what's the point of it all if we can't get along, he feels he's having to choose etc."

This is emotional blackmail and a sly way of getting you to apologise to his shitbag father.

The ex gf probably refused to put up with his sexist, bully father who likes to throw his weight around.

6 months is nothing op. Run while you can.

Sweetie this will not change. Son and father are in a dysfunctional dynamic, they like things this way. You're seeing the pattern here: FiL is vile while dp does nothing. You feel horrible, get upset, have an awful time, tell dp. Dp initially says he understands. FiL then niggles at dp who will niggle at you because you being the victim in this is how the game is played and you'll end up going back to FiL and submitting to more abuse. Which dp will rationalise, blame you for and want you to submit to more.

Men who have been abused by their parents usually want a co victim in their partners, they don't actually want the dynamic they've endured to change. It's very, very hard indeed to get someone out of that dynamic, particularly when their parent with all the bonds involved is fighting to keep things the way they like. Many- if not most - women lose. Look at the relationships board, you'll find this played out over and over and over again.

Run. This is not a healthy situation to get involved with. And if you don't feel you can run yet, for Gods sake be very careful you don't bring a child into this situation as it will escalate it hugely and you will be tied to this mess and FiL's abuse for 18 years.

The veiled suicide threat if you don't stop standing up for yourself/putting pressure on him to change - also massively unhealthy and a whopping great Red Flag.

Please take care of yourself.

I'd be really interested to know why your DP and his ex broke up, I wonder if it was because of the father? If it was me, I'd actually want to speak to her.

And def do not have kids with this guy, you'll be letting yourself in for a lifetime of pain...

I would definitely break up. He's not in the right place for a serious relationship.

You are only 6 months into the relationship and it’s clear how the family dynamic works, while your boyfriend chooses to live out his fathers pocket he is indebted to him. He is happy with this arrangement and it will likely continue. You need to decide if you can are bothered with this long term, imagine the nightmare when you have dc! I’d be saying my goodbyes.

Oh my goodness, he gets worse and worse! His 'threat' is the lowest kind of emotional blackmail.

I really think you need to run for the hills.

I see a lot of traits in BF now that his dad has which weren't there at the start. Initially BF was so caring, kind, loving, generous etc. I'm sad and disappointed because I thought I'd met someone who was genuinely lovely and caring and that what was drew me to him the most.

We all lose our rag at something or another occasionally, but his reactions to some things have been way off the mark on various occasions just in this short time (the pattern is usually sees red, apologises, then plays the victim of "Sorry for losing it but this is just so hard for me")

Sigh. I know what I need to do but why do these things always happen at bloody Christmas!

I know this is just history repeating itself. Apparently BF's dad's parents had an abusive (physical) relationship, BF's dad treats his mum like a 1920's housewife (think along the lines of "FGS, the dinner is over cooked again") and it's obviously nothing much will change as long as BF keeps his dad around and dips into his pocket to live.

Well FIL doesn't come out of this well, but the real concern here is your boyfriend - what a wet wimpy drip!!!??

How can you fancy someone who runs around after his daddy like this?

If you stay with him you condemn yourself to a lifetime of this shite - I would RUN!!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Dump him dump him dump him dump him x1000

Run for the hills OP!

Sorry OP but this is a relationship disaster. Get out now before you become trapped.

I'm so sorry There are much nicer men out there who will treat you as well as you deserve. New year, fresh start.

Unless your sticking around for the ££ signs, then get out of this relationship. FIL will treat you like this all the time, you will be made to apologise and BF will run around after him like a child, waiting for his money.

BF is just as bad with his manipulative ways

Dump them all and move on

Obviously if fil is 98 with a dodgy heart and DP has no siblings it might be worth staying
Otherwise flee now

Hopping

I imagine it would be rather interesting to have a conversation with the x and find out what went wrong between them and whether the family were a factor......

Why are you supposed to apologise? For daring to disagree with the over-inflated self-important wanker? Whilst he made you cry because he refuses to understand that we live in the 21st century?! Twat.

Would actually love to talk to his ex and see if she had these issues as well.

I know that her and BF's dad didn't get on as BF has told me they had arguments and obviously by the way BF's dad talks about her now.

From everything I was told I thought she was the crazy one, starting to see that it was most likely the other way round now... girl probably had enough and bloody left.