To ask how you would deal with this FIL

[alwayschangingcircles]

Not officially FIL but boyfriend's dad. Will refer as FIL throughout for ease.

Been together six months. FIL has a lot of money and likes to remind everyone of this on the daily. Comments such as "Oh, that reminds me, I just bought this [item worth 100k], do you want to see?" and will then pass pics on his phone around the table for everyone to look at said item. This will happen in various forms each time me and boyfriend eat with them.

Boyfriend lives on FIL's estate (he pays rent)/ (has said he will move out due to recent events) but not with them, so PIL are unavoidable.

My boyfriend and his ex had a bad ending, and my FIL is completely hung up on her. Not exaggerating when I say FIL will bring her up "as a joke" each time I am there. Comment will usually be something like "Saw X's car the other day, going to smash it up next time!" or "Spoke to X the other day" (he didn't) "she said she's going to pop round and say hello to us all, ha ha ha ha" and so on.

Another time I told FIL I was going to look at a certain make of car. He disagreed with my choice, I then said I like the car and don't agree with his opinion, and he turned to boyfriend and said "Can you get the old one back, she never used to disagree with me?". Cue mad laughter from FIL and no comment from boyfriend.

Boyfriend is not good at defending me and it took me saying something to him (along the lines of, Would you mind saying something to him, his comments make me uncomfortable) for him to step up.

My FIL's other thing is to constantly remind of all he does for people. For example, if I stay for dinner, he will say to me "Blimey, you come to my house, eat my food, use my WiFi, anything else you need while you're here?!". And so on.

Boyfriend got me a necklace for my birthday, one that I had previously told him I loved, and while we were eating, FIL said "That necklace a birthday present was it? [Boyfriend] isn't very good at those"

I asked what he meant, saying it's a lovely present trying to stick up for boyfriend, and FIL said "But it's not a lovely present though, is it?".

I turned to boyfriend to ask what he meant and it transpired that boyfriend had asked FIL to swing by the shop and pick it up for him.

I though this was so nasty and just can't comprehend why he wanted to belittle boyfriend (and me) in this way, and so randomly too.

After that, FIL said another comment about the ex GF, something nasty and to provoke me and I just burst into tears. I'd had a shit week and couldn't stop myself. Soon as I was crying, FIL started saying over and over how I was in his house and if I didn't like what he was going to talk about then I should get out.

At no point did anyone else at the table stick up for me.

Boyfriend and I have been butting heads about it since, I feel he lets his dad treat him abusively (he does, lots of other nastiness goes on) and he also hasn't stuck up for me and stood up to his father.

I've explained to boyfriend that while I'll be cordial, I have absolutely no intention of making any type of effort with his family from here on out.

Sorry it's a long one, but, AIBU to do this, or should I close my ears to my FIL and continue as we were, going for Sunday dinners etc. at theirs for the sake of boyfriend?

RUN...AWAY.. NOW..
This is never going to get better.
Fil already told you not to come back why on earth would you even contemplate going near him again?

Dp is a chip of the old block. Manipulative and blaming you for his and fils faults. No way on earth would i be 'popping in ' to see his parents i would tell him they are his parents nothing to do with you and until they can be civil to you you arent going near them. They are being nasty not you for standing up for yourself. While you are at it tell him to grow a back bone and stand up to his dad or it will be just the 2 of them slagging off women together forever as he is acting more like his dad by the day.

You deserve better.
Tell them all to stick thier xmas you want to have a nice time not be waiting for that arsehole to spew abuse at you.

Seriously no xmas together no more crap 'dp'.

BF is frightened of being disinherited. I would ask him if he wants to put up with this until PIL dies. If he says yes, dump him.

you have two options...

Grow a Pair.. FIl sounds like he can take as good as he gives... tell him you don't give a shit about the Ex... cause she's the Ex.. you're the NOW...

or

Leave them to it.. because your Boyfriend is NEVER going to challenge Daddy Wallet ever....

Yeah sorry this is never going to work out

Aside from FOG and an emotional hold over your BF, it sounds like your FIL has a massive financial hold over him too. He will be accustomed to the idea that he will one day inherit huge sums, and will find it extremely hard to walk away from that, and you can be sure that FIL will be using a threat to disinherit him to keep him in line and tolerating this bullshit. Your BF will have massive dunk costs on this one.

FIL enjoys being emotionally abusive, he feels he is entitled to this entertainment.

Run away before your sunk costs get too high as well.

Honestly? I don't believe in stressing and harbouring comments against me from someone I give zero fucks about. I would have very calmly put him down, or laughed at him - every time. He simply wouldn't be important enough for me to bite my tongue. Holding in upset is awful for the mindset.

Your boyfriend has probably been cowed by his dad since he was a child. It'd be easy to think he should stand up for you, but bullies have years to mess up a child's mind, with that reverberating into adulthood.

Your FIL is the weak one - he'd be devastated if his son left. There'd be threats, including with holding money/inheritance. But if your boyfriend wants his own life then he must leave. However be prepared for the fact he may not actually want to leave. Even if you think he should, or can't understand why he doesn't.

I wouldn't take on board any comments from a silly old man, that's a certainty. Bot even if he were my boyfriend's dad. Get lost with that one.

How old are you OP?

The reason l ask is because when l was younger i.e in my 20's l would put up with this poor treatment as l didn't have the confidence or life experience to be able to deal with it....and l also wouldn't want to be alone.

But... I'm now in my 40's and currently going through a divorce. My stbxh was emotionally abusive and l will not let anyone treat me like that again or make me feel that my feelings were not valid.

But that resolution has come with age and experience.

It is hard to walk away and only you know what you are prepared to put up with.

Aaaah, the penny has just dropped for me! Thanks for the update about prev GF.

FIL does not like ALL of his son's GFs...

That's because FIL is jealous that is DS is young and getting attractive girlfriends and he is old, bitter and mean!

Call him out on it! And tell your BF that he will never keep a GF whilst his Dad continues this behaviour!!!