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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you would deal with this FIL

82 replies

alwayschangingcircles · 23/12/2017 12:14

Not officially FIL but boyfriend's dad. Will refer as FIL throughout for ease.

Been together six months. FIL has a lot of money and likes to remind everyone of this on the daily. Comments such as "Oh, that reminds me, I just bought this [item worth 100k], do you want to see?" and will then pass pics on his phone around the table for everyone to look at said item. This will happen in various forms each time me and boyfriend eat with them.

Boyfriend lives on FIL's estate (he pays rent)/ (has said he will move out due to recent events) but not with them, so PIL are unavoidable.

My boyfriend and his ex had a bad ending, and my FIL is completely hung up on her. Not exaggerating when I say FIL will bring her up "as a joke" each time I am there. Comment will usually be something like "Saw X's car the other day, going to smash it up next time!" or "Spoke to X the other day" (he didn't) "she said she's going to pop round and say hello to us all, ha ha ha ha" and so on.

Another time I told FIL I was going to look at a certain make of car. He disagreed with my choice, I then said I like the car and don't agree with his opinion, and he turned to boyfriend and said "Can you get the old one back, she never used to disagree with me?". Cue mad laughter from FIL and no comment from boyfriend.

Boyfriend is not good at defending me and it took me saying something to him (along the lines of, Would you mind saying something to him, his comments make me uncomfortable) for him to step up.

My FIL's other thing is to constantly remind of all he does for people. For example, if I stay for dinner, he will say to me "Blimey, you come to my house, eat my food, use my WiFi, anything else you need while you're here?!". And so on.

Boyfriend got me a necklace for my birthday, one that I had previously told him I loved, and while we were eating, FIL said "That necklace a birthday present was it? [Boyfriend] isn't very good at those"

I asked what he meant, saying it's a lovely present trying to stick up for boyfriend, and FIL said "But it's not a lovely present though, is it?".

I turned to boyfriend to ask what he meant and it transpired that boyfriend had asked FIL to swing by the shop and pick it up for him.

I though this was so nasty and just can't comprehend why he wanted to belittle boyfriend (and me) in this way, and so randomly too.

After that, FIL said another comment about the ex GF, something nasty and to provoke me and I just burst into tears. I'd had a shit week and couldn't stop myself. Soon as I was crying, FIL started saying over and over how I was in his house and if I didn't like what he was going to talk about then I should get out.

At no point did anyone else at the table stick up for me.

Boyfriend and I have been butting heads about it since, I feel he lets his dad treat him abusively (he does, lots of other nastiness goes on) and he also hasn't stuck up for me and stood up to his father.

I've explained to boyfriend that while I'll be cordial, I have absolutely no intention of making any type of effort with his family from here on out.

Sorry it's a long one, but, AIBU to do this, or should I close my ears to my FIL and continue as we were, going for Sunday dinners etc. at theirs for the sake of boyfriend?

OP posts:
Bindibot · 23/12/2017 13:18

Trust me it’s hard enough dealing with arsehole in-laws when your OH does stick up for up and dose challenge them.

It has taken me being NC and DP being LC for over 15 years to realise that he will stick up for me even if I’m not there and will leave.

It’s hard

ElephantsandTigers · 23/12/2017 13:19

PP who said you should have stuck up for yourself or should be embarrassed that you need bf to do so are being ridiculous & unfair. It can be very hard to stand up to yourself against your brother parents. If you're shocked then that doesn't help.

I'd give bf one chance. Tell him what you expect and the consequences if he says nothing.

Original poster
alwayschangingcircles · 23/12/2017 13:23

To the PP asking why I didn't stand up for myself at the table, I did. After he started saying If you don't like it leave etc. I started to challenge him (admittedly through tears) on why he constantly brings ex GF up and talks about her in such a callous way. (Calls her a little bitch and other names in front of his young daughter). He had no reason as to why he keeps doing it, just kept repeating "If you don't like it, get out".

He eventually got up and said "I'm going to the other room before I say something I regret, and you need to get out my house and you won't be coming back".

OP posts:
Original poster
alwayschangingcircles · 23/12/2017 13:23

It's not necessarily that I need him to stick up for me, it's that I don't feel like he has my back in these situations.

OP posts:
FlexTimeCheekyFucker · 23/12/2017 13:24

Run far. Run fast.

SpartonDregs · 23/12/2017 13:25

why on earth are you still with this man? You know he will be exactly the same if you end up married.

BroccoliOnTheFloor · 23/12/2017 13:27

I think your BF is a bigger problem than your FIL.

SparklyUnicornTractors · 23/12/2017 13:36

End the relationship. You cannot fix this. Relationships are not supposed to be miserable and hard work six months in, this is a family in a mess. Find someone with a less dysfunctional millstone around his neck who will make you happy.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 23/12/2017 13:38

So basically FiL took the decision out of your hands when he said 'get out and don't come back'. Your bf now basically has the choice of you or his father. Which do you think he'll choose?

That's rhetorical btw. You need to break off the relationship. I would never be involved with someone whose family treated me like shit. It would be a lifetime of never-ending hurts and arguments. No amount of money is worth that.

LadyLapsang · 23/12/2017 13:42

He's not your FIL so I wouldn't refer to him as one. You seem to be seeing far too much of them for an adult relationship six months in. I would leave them to it. Whether your BF is worth it only you can judge, but it seems as if everyone is putting up with such poor behaviour from the father because of money. You know what they say, if you marry for money you will earn every penny. That could be extended to your BF being financially supported by his parents. If you don't take anything from them then they will have much less power over you.

Annelind · 23/12/2017 14:09

I can't understand why you are seeing your BFs father so much, especially as he is obviously not a pleasant person to be around. Your Bf sounds a bit wet, tbh. Maybe he has been ground down by years of this shit from his father?
I'm surprised he introduced you into this mess of a family dynamic.

SassySausageSupper · 23/12/2017 14:14

Fuck that. He doesn’t stand up for you. He never will. Do you want this to be the rest of your life? Break up with him and tell him why.

Imsorrynow · 23/12/2017 15:19

I’d be wondering if it’s worth pursuing this relationship. All this agro after just 6 months. Imagine bringing DC into the mix in years to come.
I’d quit OP.

letsdolunch321 · 23/12/2017 15:31

My ex mil used to be a nasty bitch saying I was never good enough for her son as I lived in a council flat as a child - they had a mortgaged house.

Her lovely son never had my back when she was being spiteful, hence he is now my exh.

Good riddance to them

Deathraystare · 23/12/2017 15:41

My boyfriend and his ex had a bad ending, and my FIL is completely hung up on her.

Ahhh but did he treat her as he treats you and it is only now she is gone he is goading you about her?

Do you have to be there? surely you can find other places to be together. Why is your boyfriend such a wuss?

Takeoutyourhen · 23/12/2017 15:57

Can you see it improving?
From your description I can't.
I hope you find a boyfriend with a warm and welcoming family with none of the financial control of even narcissism that appears to be rife in this case.

Meeep · 23/12/2017 16:14

He sounds absolutely awful. If I were you I'd never speak to or see the FIL again.

Your boyfriend grew up with him. Does he think his dad is horrible but doesn't know how to stand up to him? Or does he not realise what goes on is not acceptable?

I imagine, really, that it will prove impossible for your boyfriend to have a successful relationship until he moves far far away and heavily limits contact.

Of his own volition, not for you/for any girl, I mean.

LakieLady · 23/12/2017 16:54

FIL is a bully. I wonder if he was a bully to BF, too, and BF hasn't got the balls to stand up to him. Or is he just scared of losing access to the family fortune?

Either way, I wouldn't stay with anyone who stood by while their GF was bullied by their father. Or while anyone was bullied, come to that.

Fairyliz · 23/12/2017 17:13

Blimey I have been married 30 years and me and DH have had our ups and downs but nothing like this; DH would defend me to the hilt.
Sorry I'm like other posters who think at 6 months your relationship should be all sunshine and roses.
Just dump the boyfriend and find a decent man, honestly there are some out there.
Can I ask how old you are?

Runningwithscissors12 · 23/12/2017 17:18

FIL is a twat

But BF is a spineless useless cunt.

AstridWhite · 24/12/2017 03:41

He eventually got up and said "I'm going to the other room before I say something I regret, and you need to get out my house and you won't be coming back".

He doesn't like you does he? Don't know why, or what you did to deserve that sort of treatment, but if he feels he can speak to you like that, after only a few months, then it's not going to get any easier.

In your shoes I wouldn't be going anywhere near him again. But if your BF isn't prepared to stand up to him over this then you should really be questioning this relationship anyway.

RadioGaGoo · 24/12/2017 03:49

He has given you a get out clause. He told you not to come back. So you don't have to. You are only following his instructions, so I can't see how either he or BF can complain if you don't see him again.

AstridWhite · 24/12/2017 03:51

Boyfriend got me a necklace for my birthday, one that I had previously told him I loved, and while we were eating, FIL said "That necklace a birthday present was it? [Boyfriend] isn't very good at those"

I asked what he meant, saying it's a lovely present trying to stick up for boyfriend, and FIL said "But it's not a lovely present though, is it?".

I turned to boyfriend to ask what he meant and it transpired that boyfriend had asked FIL to swing by the shop and pick it up for him.

Is he having a dig at his son and letting you know that actually he paid for the necklace and not your boyfriend? Did he lend him the money? I really can't imagine why he'd say this otherwise, it's most strange.

Are you and your boyfriend both very young? This man seems to want to speak to you both like children who can't question his authority. He sounds really angry and nasty - is he drunk?

If your BF lives in a separate house then just stop agreeing to spend any time with his family. There is no need. If your BF can't understand why you don't want to subject yourself to such hostility and confrontational behaviour then he really isn't worth keeping hold of.

Youllneverlivelikecommonpeople · 24/12/2017 04:29

OP, how did the visit end? What did everyone else who was there at the time say and do? What has your boyfriend said to you about it since?

LoveProsecco · 24/12/2017 06:56

I would end it. If he cared about you he would have protected you

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