Aibu to build an annexe for my (potential ex) husband?

[arethereanyleftatall]

1 week ago I found out my dh has had an affair for about a year with a work colleague, now finished (allegedly).
After a few days of expletives and tears, now trying to work out what to do and a plan has been mooted which may seem strange and unconventional, but could work perfectly for our particular situation...

Build an annexe within our house (with its own door outside) for him to live in.

By doing this:

1. The dcs lives don't change particularly. They can live with me and pop upstairs to see their dad whenever they like.
2. I will still get to do my hobbies, work evenings, go on dates (!! Should I wish to), go on holidays etc as current as he will be here to cover childcare. (Continue as usual, we're pretty fair).
3. Financially no one suffers, as we won't be running two houses.
4. I'll no longer have to do his washing or clean up his mess.

Divorce is my call, but dh suggests not triggering it until I need to (ie I find someone else, because financially it's better for me not to. His(our) investments (mainly his pension) are still growing and if we divorce I get 50% as it stands now, but they're accruing more all the time).

I should point out that I actually really like him. We're friends, co parent really well, co habit really well, both contribute (he wft good job, me part time term time only plus childcare/housework).
The only thing that didn't work was our mismatched sex drives (mine is low, I can totoally take or leave sex, which is why he looked elsewhere for a shag).

I'm not sure if I'm being naive, but this could work. Has anyone else done this?

So what happens when he moves on with someone else? Are you happy for his new woman to be in his part of the house?

Wont it be a bit odd if either of you meet someone else?

It could work. I wouldn’t make any big decisions like this right now, only a week after finding out. Keep it as an option, one of a few different options that could work. Use some space right now to look after yourself and your children and then decide what to do longer term.

I would get some proper financial and legal advice regarding the divorce and what would happen with the investments you're talking about, before you make any firm decisions about money, as it may not be as simple as 'you get 50% now and that's it'. Financial settlements in divorce cases depend on a multitude of factors, and so you should never just assume 50%.

Also if he's been having an affair behind your back for the past year, he clearly doesn't have a great deal of respect for you or your relationship. How do you reconcile that with continuing to live together?

Wouldn’t it be difficult if he starts a new relationship? First thought they came to my mind is that you might hear them having sex! Then, what if he decides down the line to move on (eg if he meets someone else who he settles down with who doesn’t like the arrangement), would you have to sell up?

And if you decide to divorce you will have to spend even more money putting the house to rights.
It's early days,you need to see how you really feel about it.

After the first few comments I should add that we were toying with building an annexe anyway. We can afford it and it will add value to the house.

So, if it doesn't work, for the reasons mentioned in the first responses, we can split then and live in two separate houses.

I wouldn't.

Why are you blaming yourself (low sex drive) for his bad behaviour? That was entirely his decision.

In the gentlest of ways, I don’t think you are seeing clearly right now. Although all the things you’ve said can be ‘justified’ the justifications are all emotional rather than practical.

Of course he doesn’t want you to start divorce proceedings, yes his ‘pot’ may be marginally bigger in a year or two, but all the while you aren’t divorcing him, he is getting 100% and you are getting 0%, hurrah for him!
you are also considering compromising your own quality of life (smaller and more complex living arrangements, the emotional weight of having all that baggage Living above you instead of in a seperate space down the road) what’s in it for YOU?
You mention that it’ll be better for the kids, I don’t think it will. You can still co parent while living in seperate houses, do you really want to make your children grow up in a space with very confused boundaries?

Also if you do decide to date, how will you deal with the kids nipping downstairs to get something, or popping upstairs to find Dad with another woman?

Bluemosquito - why were you unhappy?

Curls - I'm not blaming myself at all. Just explaining.

I know someone who did a similar thing, although it didn't involve building an annexe. I don't want to go into detail as it will be rather identifying but it seems to work for them. If you can make it work then great. I am a lone parent and my life would be much easier if dad was around to pick up where I can't.

Seems a bit silly to do not do it because one day you or he might meet someone else. You may not even care by then. In fact the couple I know in similar circumstances have managed this. I met them when I dated one of them. it's all good.

Thank you so much for your responses everyone. I'm considering them all. It doesn't seem to be quite such a brillliant plan as I'd imagined.

It sounds very sensible but would depend on the financial/legal implications as well as your respective personalities and how your future (co-parenting) relationship is going to work. If you were going to proceed then I would recommend you both seeking independent legal advice first.

Also adultery is grounds for divorce as ‘unreasonable behaviour’, which means you can proceed things much more quickly.
If you continue to live together (which on paper you would) then you would only be able to begin an unreasonable behaviour divorce within 6 months.
If you live separately you can have more time to consider what you want, and begin the divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour when you are ready.
If you decide to live together and pass the 6 month mark you will have to wait 3-5 years before you are able to begin divorce proceedings.

Bear in mind that once seperated if he is still living at your address this could affect your eligibility for eg single person council tax discount, child tax credits, working tax credits, child benefit (if he is a high earner)
Whilst you may not need those things now, you are potentially leaving yourself open to a situation where he withdraws financial support except for the basic child maintenance and you are then unable to get the financial support you need.

I appreciate all of that is probably too much to think about right now (I’m 9 months ahead of you in this process!) but that’s why I’d suggest not agreeing to any of this just now, but prioritising getting some time and space to grieve for your relationship, adjust your mind to your new future and accept that you can and will do this your way, one way or another.

Thank you curls, I didn't know that.

I think you need to be really honest about how you'd feel if he either carried on the relationship with your colleague under your nose or started dating other women. You'd see all of it (and your kids no doubt would notice too).

If you did meet someone else there's very little chance they'd want that arrangement so I don't think it would be anything other than temporary.

Of you were gonna build an annexe anyway then maybe. But with planning permission, finding a builder etc then build its 6 months, by then you'll both be in a different place.

Agree with pp about legal advice, you need to work out if you want to divorce but if you do I doubt it makes sense to leave it. I believe if you meet a new partner your settlement will be less as they will be expected to contribute to your outgoings. Also main parent should get more than 50%.

There is no difference in the the speed of an adultery or unreasonable behaviour divorce.

The biggest problem is the children. You comment that nothing much would change for them in that scenario, but is that even desirable where, in truth, there has been a massive change. They need to have all the help they can get to build individual relationships with both of you. That is going to be a bit of a psychological struggle while you are still under the same roof.

But the simpler answer is, why postpone the inevitable? You have said yourself it will happen at some point. I'd need a lot of persuading that now is not that point.

(Shame your sex-drives didn't match mind. There seems to be a lot going for that relationship...)

YABU, a clean break is really the only way. Nothing else works it just prolongues the pain.

Well it worked for my DH. He split with his ex DW (they had one daughter) and built a house for her, on his land, next door to his house.
She’s moved away now but for a good few years was still there after I moved in with him, and had our DDs. Everything went well, helped me when DH was in hospital, enjoyed having the DDs round, bought them presents etc. However, there was one major difference, they split by mutual consent as the relationship had run its course, so there was never a real resentment. So I guess it depends on whether you can really live with him next door after his adultery.

I will definitely seek some legal advice following this thread.

Regarding meeting anyone else- I can't imagine doing that. are there many single 40 something's out there?!

Prior to dh shagging someone else, I've never met anyone I like anywhere near as much as him 😢

Huppo - it was perfect otherwise. I'm going to cry again.

My concern would be that he would move another woman into his bit of the house and then stop being so accommodating about sharing his salary and being available for childcare. I think you need to be honest with yourself, it sounds like you are scared to accept your marriage is over and you have to start again as a divorced woman. Your husband is bound to get a new partner and no woman is going to tolerate his ex wife sharing his house long term.