Aibu to build an annexe for my (potential ex) husband?

[arethereanyleftatall]

1 week ago I found out my dh has had an affair for about a year with a work colleague, now finished (allegedly).
After a few days of expletives and tears, now trying to work out what to do and a plan has been mooted which may seem strange and unconventional, but could work perfectly for our particular situation...

Build an annexe within our house (with its own door outside) for him to live in.

By doing this:

1. The dcs lives don't change particularly. They can live with me and pop upstairs to see their dad whenever they like.
2. I will still get to do my hobbies, work evenings, go on dates (!! Should I wish to), go on holidays etc as current as he will be here to cover childcare. (Continue as usual, we're pretty fair).
3. Financially no one suffers, as we won't be running two houses.
4. I'll no longer have to do his washing or clean up his mess.

Divorce is my call, but dh suggests not triggering it until I need to (ie I find someone else, because financially it's better for me not to. His(our) investments (mainly his pension) are still growing and if we divorce I get 50% as it stands now, but they're accruing more all the time).

I should point out that I actually really like him. We're friends, co parent really well, co habit really well, both contribute (he wft good job, me part time term time only plus childcare/housework).
The only thing that didn't work was our mismatched sex drives (mine is low, I can totoally take or leave sex, which is why he looked elsewhere for a shag).

I'm not sure if I'm being naive, but this could work. Has anyone else done this?

There isn't really any resentment.
I understand lack of sex is a deal breaker for some people.
Not excusing him, he was a twat, but I understand it.

How old are the kids? Will there be financial implications for you if you divorce later rather than sooner, when the kids aren't so dependant?

If you can afford to do it and can also afford to stop the arrangement if it doesn't work out, then why wouldn't you try it?
If it failed and that has negative financial implications then perhaps it's best not to go there in the first place.

One problem I can see ( I don’t know how old your children are ) is them struggling to explain this to friends. They might really struggle and feel ‘odd’ compared to their friends who have parents together or totally separated.

Other than the above, I don’t really see a problem if you both definitely don’t have any feelings for each other anymore (that would be far too complicated) - I’m not a fan of everything having to be so black and white, unconventional works for some people.

You need urgent independent advice to make informed decisions. See a SHL in order to weigh up all the implications, financial and emotional, of this proposed scenario.

Dc are 7 and 9.

When I say explain to friends I just mean if they have them over to stay etc.

If you get on so well, and work so well together and your only issue is your sex drives, maybe consider an open relationship and let him get just that one element from elsewhere.

You would also need to be confident that he wasn't going to spend the time living in the annnex siphoning off money from his investments into something more that you wouldn't be able to access or claim on when you did divorce. So you would need to insist on seeing shared finances regularly and be hands on in checking them.

Also you would need some legal advice on wills etc. You may not want your money going to him in the event of your death but be left in trust or something directly for your children.

It could work really well and allow for continued sharing of child care etc. But you'd need to be realistic about how you would feel if he was in another relationship or you entered a new relationship. A friend's parents had this set up and made it work, even after one remarried but I think they worked really, really hard to make it work and all adults including new partners were on board with it. They do all major family events, birthdays, graduation together. It is very impressive and credit to them.

He couldn’t be trusted with your marriage and you are going to continue to trust him with the financial side of you life? You think he is the same man you married who had your best interests at heart, his isn’t.

How will you know if he is making financial decisions that are beneficial to him only when you eventually divorce?

Discovering his affair has been a huge shock and it is a game changer, I would look closely to see if my marriage could recover or leave with a clean break. This half way house leaves you open to further financial betrayal.

Crazycat - unfortunately, the reality is I do still love him. And apparently he does me.
But if I take him back I'm basically telling him he can do whatever he likes, and all that'll happen is I'll kick him out for a few days.

It sounds as if you're running ahead with the practicalities without really stopping to deal with the emotional aspect of this. Assuming that you live your dh and werent looking for a way to end the marriage you've experienced a massive betrayal. I wouldn't make any long term decisions yet until you've got some way through the grieving process, you might feel very differently once the emotions hit.

How about, if we get divorced, so finances are sorted and separate, and then he lives in the annex as a lodger?

If you divorce you will get a fair share of his investments and pension and it will continue to accrue whilst in your name as well.

honestly this sounds as if he is playing you. How much knowledge do you actually have of your joint assets and investmenst?

It's unconventional but that's not to say it wouldn't work.
Think it through.
You might find it hard though, if/when he meets someone else with this arrangement. But, you can change it if that happens.

You are right monkees. I need to chill out.,

are there many single 40 something's out there?!

Plenty. And they're not all cheats, either...

I can understand it, I tend to do exactly the same. The emotional side of things is horrible and hurts, while the practical side is something I can control. No way around it though, it's going to hurt. So sorry he's done this to you

Possibly Mrcgarry. I think I know them. ill admit whenever he talks about pension/investments it goes in one ear and out the other.

My XH lived in the house with me for 2 years after his affair - it was a disaster and I ended upreally disliking him, despite initial thoughts that one day we might be able to be friends. We have no contact now at all.
And the main reason was that I needed space to figure out what I wanted for my life and he didn;t give me that space.

But - you will be living seperately, so it could work - I do know a couple who divorced and lived next door to each other very amicably for the rest of thier lives so they could share parenting. But that marriage didn;t end because of an affair.

I think a week is a very short time to be making major decisions about building onto your house etc for him. I have to say after my husbands affair the first year I went through an enormous range of emotions, from thinking maybe we could work it out to realising I really didn't want him in my life at all.

I would also add a word of warning as a PP has said get legal advice, don't take his word for anything, my X was very against me seeing a lawyer and finding out what I was actually entitled to - he thought he could decide !
And my lawyer said it is very common for the X to try to keep you from legal advice and to control the direction of a divorce.
Like you say - it is your call, so he shouldn't really be suggetsing what he thinks, he should leave you to find out all the ins and outs yourself and come to your own decision.

Don't be rushed, don't make major decisions while you are still in shock, he has had a year to consider his various options, you have only had a week.

I think it’s a crazy idea and won’t work, it will only confuse the children, what happens when either of you meet someone else and you want to move in together? ‘Oh, please excuse my ex husband, he lives upstairs’.

I’m guessing your heads a bit all over the place at the moment? Finding out your husband has cheated is a horrible shock to the system. Give yourself time to consider all options and seek leagal advice.

You sound remarkably chilled about the situation - which may mean you have effectively be living as best friends for a while so this could be a natural progression for you both and be brilliant.

Or it could mean you vou have not fully processed this and could come crashing down in a few days.

Take time and think it through.

We live in an unconventional family arrangement and it totally works for us although others do not understand it so I fully accept it could work. You have to do what feels right and works for you all but take your time.

New partners for either of you really does need thinking about but it could work.

I'm not going to comment on the divorce / relationship aspects as I hate giving relationship advice but with regards to an annexe - if it has separate kitchen & bathroom facilities even if they are only small, the council can classify it as another dwelling and slap you with another council tax bill, you can't usually get away with it telling them as you need building regs (which you generally get off the council) to do the work. They don't always do it, but it's common enough that you need to be aware.

How about, if we get divorced, so finances are sorted and separate, and then he lives in the annex as a lodger?

That could work, but if you don't emotionally disconnect then it will be hard for you to move on and hard for you to watch if he does.

I think it's a great idea but you have to be financially and emotionally resilient enough for it to work out.

Presumably if it didn't work out then you could replace him with another lodger?

ill admit whenever he talks about pension/investments it goes in one ear and out the other.

And he knows this. Please please get some financial advice (and get him to pay because you wouldn;t need it if it weren't for his behaviour)
Find out aboutthe pensions and investments - it is dull but it needs to be done and an advisor will explain it to you oa nd all your options.
A lawyer will advise you what you are entitled to and it may be considerably more than you or your husband think.

I know you like him and are on good terms - but he has proved himself untrustworthy in terms of fidelity, don't assume he has your best interests at heart and can be trusted regarding finances etc.

Sometimes those we think we know best will shock us by doing things we would never believe they were capable of.

Definitely not the right time to make decisions now.

If it was me though.. yes, build the annexe if you were planning to anyway, and it would add value to the house.

Not everyone follows the norm OP. For some divorcees this would work perfectly well. For others, it would be their worst nightmare. You both sound sensible and in control of the situation. Do it your way, until you feel the need to change that.