Aibu to build an annexe for my (potential ex) husband?

[arethereanyleftatall]

1 week ago I found out my dh has had an affair for about a year with a work colleague, now finished (allegedly).
After a few days of expletives and tears, now trying to work out what to do and a plan has been mooted which may seem strange and unconventional, but could work perfectly for our particular situation...

Build an annexe within our house (with its own door outside) for him to live in.

By doing this:

1. The dcs lives don't change particularly. They can live with me and pop upstairs to see their dad whenever they like.
2. I will still get to do my hobbies, work evenings, go on dates (!! Should I wish to), go on holidays etc as current as he will be here to cover childcare. (Continue as usual, we're pretty fair).
3. Financially no one suffers, as we won't be running two houses.
4. I'll no longer have to do his washing or clean up his mess.

Divorce is my call, but dh suggests not triggering it until I need to (ie I find someone else, because financially it's better for me not to. His(our) investments (mainly his pension) are still growing and if we divorce I get 50% as it stands now, but they're accruing more all the time).

I should point out that I actually really like him. We're friends, co parent really well, co habit really well, both contribute (he wft good job, me part time term time only plus childcare/housework).
The only thing that didn't work was our mismatched sex drives (mine is low, I can totoally take or leave sex, which is why he looked elsewhere for a shag).

I'm not sure if I'm being naive, but this could work. Has anyone else done this?

"I will ask him to move out for a week after they've gone, to give myself some space to think."

Make that three months, arethereanyleftatall. Your thoughts will change a lot in that time.

Actually I think you sound in shock, and I don't think you should even temporarily committing yourself to anything more serious (or longer term) than what type of milk to buy!

Whose idea was it to build an annex/share the house?

It really is not a good one. Fine (perhaps) had your marriage drifted apart, over time, with you both in full knowledge of all aspects of that 'drift' ... but this? No. Your husband has cheated on you for a full year.

During that time he has had no regard for what that would do to his/your marriage, to you, your future, your children, their futures.

He has had no regard for anyone except himself. He has spent a year pleasing himself. Putting himself first, regardless of the consequences that would be borne by you and your children. (OW aside) putting oneself first is a hard habit to break. He will continue to do so.

So he moves out for three months to give you some space to think ... then you start to move on with your life. Without him!

I went through all this this time last year (dh didn't have an affair, but did behave in a relationship breaking way that showed no regard whatsoever for me). I am far angrier now than I was then - back then I was making excuses for him and feeling sorry for him because he "couldn't help it". And we(he) had plans for an incredibly amicable breakup and remaining friends (he even asked if I'd take some photo's for him to put on tinder)
He finally moved out in March, and we are now divorced and I got half our assets and I have a fantastic new man. And I hate exdh. It took space and time away from jhim for me to realise just how much he'd brainwashed me (me - a smart intelligent feminist) into believing that he was the most important perosn in our world and that I should be grateful for any attention he gave me and that it was entirely natural to put him first.
He has betrayed you and lied to you because he wanted a shag. His need to fuck was more important to him than your feelings or your families future together. Please get him out asap after Xmas and give yourself the space to be angry

You need to give yourself far longer than a week to make any long term plans.

Have him move out after Christmas and then let things settle in your head. You've no idea how you are going to feel when it all sinks in yet. Give yourself time.

Get all the financial paperwork in order, especially while he thinks you are probably going to go for the annexe/staying in the house idea and is being eager to help. Do remember though, this isn't the man you married, this is the man who cheated on you for a year.

If I thought you were calm and resigned and thinking clearly, I'd say this sounds like a good idea. My mum built an annexe on the side of her house which she rented out. When she died I had to sort out having separate utilities installed and the deeds split due to the complex mess that was her will - it was an absolute nightmare for nearly a year, but it was possible. Depending on the layout this may be an option for you. It did reduce the value of the house though, because we couldn't sell them together or make the annexe available for sale in the foreseeable future, but when the annexe does sell the value would have increased overall.

However, I don't think you are being calm and measured - I think you're in shock, still in love with him and don't want him to go. He didn't cheat because he doesn't get enough sex. If there wasn't enough sex for him he should have left you, not have his cake and eat it. This went on for a year, so he could have the sex he wanted and the wife at home. That's not a good person.

I'd really encourage you to read the Chump Lady blog - I think he's manipulating you quite cleverly here. If you weren't in love with him any more this could work but you are.

The annexe idea would be better for your young children . In fact better for all of you. I would build it and go ahead with the arrangement.
Try it!
Like you say if it doesn't work you can always go to Plan B.

Just to add that as well as looking after your financial health, and your mental health, you need to think about your physical/sexual health. I. Think it would be a good idea to get to a Sexual Health clinic and have some tests . Let's hope he's been careful, but even if he swears blind he has been please go?

As for a low libido. Well it's difficult to feel that exited if you're carrying the mental load as it sounds like you have been. School uniform, bills, laundry, food, cleaning blah, blah.

YOU having a low libido )at the moment) doesn't give HIM the right to look for sex elsewhere. Unless you had that agreement, which you hadn't.

You couldn't build an annex with a separate entrance on our area without it being counted as a dele rate dwelling. It would need to have its own council tax, boiler etx. You'd need planning permission as well as just money. That doesn't sort itself out. Will you facilitate that? If so why?

I've loved all my exs to bits when they left me ( sigh). Do you love him more than you love you? Is that how you'd treat a friend? It all sounds very "nice" leaning the decisions to you: a lot less work for him.

If you tell the children you don't want to live with Daddy that could make you into the bad character. Isn't there a neutral way you could phrase things so as not to put blame on either parent

And I think Christmas is stressful enough without having to pretend evertthings ok to your family. Would t it be better for YOU if you could be with your family and talk to them? Maybe have him there for the day/ meal part only?

Oh, and he knows you've written this thread so he will at some point read this to find out what you're up to. I'd keep your cards closer to your chest in future.

You found out he's had an affair? Did he tell you? If you hadn't found out what would the situation be right now?

Did you go ahead with the annexe plan? If so, please can you tell me how it worked out?